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Attachment Only By Day? – Part 2

May 1, 2013 By Steph Leave a Comment

Note from Hermana Linda:   This is the continuation of a conversation in the comments of Steph’s article on Attachment Theory.  Read Part 1 here.   This exchange starts here.

Hi Steph, thank you for your kind reply. I totally see your point. I didn’t mention the details on how my child responds when separated. She ofcourse resists a bit but goes back to normal play within a minute or two. Getting back together is a happy time for both of us but she doesn’t need extra attention but she is loving as always. I can only speak from my own experience and I am trying to find the truth without any bias. When you say brain damage, I can’t understand that because my daughter met all her developmental milestones 6 months ahead of her peers and she is nearly 4 now and has even started reading. I often see how totally she trusts me to keep my word and to take care of her if she is in any kind of danger.
I understand God doesn’t want us to cry as it makes him sad as well. But I do see in so many peoples lives that God allows some painful experiences so that they will shine even more brightly for His glory. When we did sleep training, we did make sure that she is completely safe, fed, changed and comfortable and we watched her through the video monitor to make sure her safety. Sure it was hard for us and hard for her. And I wouldn’t do it for a minute if it was not beneficial for her. That training has just done her so much good that she became more fresh and attentive during her wake times and happier.

[Read more...]

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Don’t Make Children Lie

April 30, 2013 By Steph 2 Comments

Last night, my husband and I watched, “The Andy Griffith Show,” and it was the one where Opie was having fun pretending to have a black horse named Blackie.  Andy, Opie’s dad, and Barney and Aunt Bea all had fun with this.  Well, Opie goes off into the woods and meets a lineman named, Mr. McBeevee.  Because Andy had played the Blackie game earlier, and well, since Mr. McBeevee is a rather strange name, Andy doesn’t believe Opie when Opie tells him that this is a real man who really gave Opie a hatchet and then a quarter.  When Andy takes Opie out to the woods to meet this Mr. McBeevee guy, Mr. McBeevee just happens to get called away, making Opie look like a big liar.

When Opie and Andy get home, Opie knows he’s in trouble and Andy is prepared to spank Opie.  [Read more...]

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Attachment Only By Day? – Part 1

April 29, 2013 By Steph 2 Comments

Note from Hermana Linda: We appreciate getting comments and read every one.   This comment from Jo about Attachment Theory elicited such an insightful response from Steph that I have decided to highlight it here.

From my personal experience with my own child, if you provide consistent care and love in meeting the needs of the child throughout the day, a little sleep training at night develops an even healthier attachment. My child is the most securely attached child I have seen because she is able to stay away from me without much distress as long as I tell her beforehand and also comes back to me with even more love when i get back to her. Crying it out works perfectly but should only be done if the parents are able to provide love and care for the child and securely attach in every way. We did sleep training for her when she was 9 months old and within 3 nights, she started sleeping through the night and sleeps in her own room. She is a very happy child then and now.

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Discipline VS Neglect

March 19, 2013 By Steph 13 Comments

Note from Hermana Linda: We appreciate getting comments and read every one.  This comment from Pam is so long that Steph decided to respond in a post, so here it is.

Hi Steph,
Though I don’t consider myself to be “pro” spanking, I am pro-discipline, and I do believe that infrequent spanking can be part of an over-all discipline plan, when done properly and with love. I have raised two boys and I have two grandsons. I’ve also, taught children and volunteered to work with children in many circumstances. I care about kids and child abuse is a deep concern of mine. I was an abused child, in the forms of medical neglect, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, emotional incest, and sexual abuse by a predator. I also, found myself in several abusive situations as an adult and I agree that children are born with natural ways of standing up for themselves that shouldn’t be taken from them. We all need to be able to protect ourselves. I also, believe that children can be defiant and they need help in learning to use defiance as a way to protect themselves and not as a means of ending up in prison. Part of the neglect I experienced as a child had to do with discipline. I don’t remember any spankings but I was allowed to eat only candy to the point of having fillings in all of my teeth by the time I was six (I also, had abscesses) and all of my teeth falling out by the third grade. My parents excuse this by blaming it on me and my refusal to eat so, they let me eat what I wanted and all I wanted was candy. I was also, sick a lot and they gave me alcohol as medication, I think it put me to sleep and I was less of a bother. The first time they gave me too much and made me drunk was when I was cutting my first teeth. They’ve always told this as a such a funny story… [Read more...]

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Is Defiance Real?

February 11, 2013 By Steph 3 Comments

I have been thinking a lot about defiance lately.  Is it real when it comes to young children?  Most parents would emphatically answer, “Yes” to this question.  I am not so sure though.  According to dictionary.com, defiance is defined as “A daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force.”  To me, this means being able to stand up for what we believe is right.  This is usually a good thing.  Yet, when people discuss children as being “defiant,” it is always viewed as a very negative thing.  In fact, most Christian pro-spankers tell parents to spank/hit children mainly for “defiance.”

Are young children truly being “defiant” when they refuse to do something we want or say, “No!” to us?  I tend not to think so.  Why?  Because defiance is very subjective.  What one person views as “defiance,” another person views as developmentally appropriate behavior or an indicator that something much deeper is going on within the child.  See, to judge whether or not children are being “defiant,” we must look into their hearts.  Only God can do this.  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 5

November 7, 2012 By Steph 3 Comments

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

As I draw this series to a close, I want to take a look at using all of these positive discipline strategies that I have discussed throughout this series with “strong-willed children.”  All of the strategies from mindful modeling, setting up the environment, setting limits, and using natural and logical consequences, etc. all work with all children.  Some children may require a bit of creativity, but since all of these strategies are biblically based, they will work even with a “strong-willed” child.  In this brief conclusion to this series, I want to focus on using positive, grace filled, firm discipline with “strong-willed” children.

“Strong-Willed” Children—“Positive discipline doesn’t work for my children!”

As we know from Part 1 of “The Christian History of Spanking,” breaking children’s wills has been a theme throughout history of Christian pro-spankers even though there is no biblical support for parents to break their children’s wills.  Yet, even today, most Christian pro-spankers advocate the need to break children’s wills.  And having a “strong-willed” child is seen as a negative as that child’s parents must work even harder to break his or her will.  What these Christian pro-spankers fail to understand is that using physical punishment with “strong-willed” children actually makes these children even more angry and defiant.  Sadly, as we’ve seen throughout all my series, some of these children have died because the multiple spankings broke their bodies before their wills.

I believe that there is no difference between our wills and our spirits.  They are one and the same just as the Holy Spirit, Jesus, and God are one and the same.  God creates us with a will.  If God creates wills, then why would He want us to break the wills of children when they are discovering who they are and Who God is?  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 4

August 17, 2012 By Steph 2 Comments

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

In the last piece we saw how to set flexible yet solid boundaries and limits by which young children can abide.  We also learned why using affirmations and encouragement with children is better than praises and rewards.  And finally we saw that using natural and logical consequences with children helps them to be able to take responsibility for their actions.  Again, it is important for us to remember that all the discipline strategies in this series are biblically supported, and are effective when used consistently and in conjunction with each other.  In this piece we are going to discuss how to figure out the need behind unwanted behavior in order to help our children fulfill that need.  We will also discuss regression in children and how to deal with it in a positive manner.

Fulfilling Needs—“Why is my child behaving this way?”

Many Christians, as we have seen throughout all of my series, believe that most of children’s unwanted behaviors are due to their sinful natures. They place so much emphasis on keeping children’s sinful nature in check that they forget, ignore, or deny the fact that God created children to develop the ways that they do, and that young children do not set out to sin.  They are learning about their worlds.  The more we understand child development and how God designed children, the easier it will be for us to guide and discipline (teach) our children.

From infancy, children have needs that must be met in order for children to thrive.  Since young children have zero to limited vocabulary in the first few years of life, they cry and find other ways of trying to communicate their needs to us.  As I’ve discussed in many of my series, an infant’s crying is not manipulative.  Infants’ brains do not allow them to be able to manipulate us.  A toddler will test limits, but will also try to communicate their needs by acting out as they still lack vocabulary and are just beginning to learn how to appropriately express themselves.  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 3

July 17, 2012 By Steph Leave a Comment

(Part 1) (Part 2)

Throughout this series we are discussing ways of disciplining children that are more in line with what God had in mind.  All of the discipline strategies in this series are very effective when used consistently and in conjunction with each other.  They are all biblically supported and sound.  And none of these methods, when used properly and respectfully, will ever cause any harm to children.  In this piece, we will look at how to set appropriate limits and boundaries for our children by which they can abide.  We will see that allowing children simple choices and giving appropriate alternatives for inappropriate behaviors also help children comply with our limits and boundaries.  Next, we will see why using encouragement with our children is better than using rewards and praise.  Finally, we will discuss using natural and logical consequences with children.  Consequences are not the same as punishment.  And discipline should not be equated with punishment.

Setting Limits and Boundaries—“Three Basic Rules for Life.”

We all need limits and boundaries in our lives for without them life would be very chaotic.  This is especially true for children as this world is too overwhelming for them to handle on their own.  Children feel most secure when they know what the limits and boundaries are.  In fact, young children will test limits and boundaries to make sure that the adults in their lives will enforce them.  “Children need secure, loving boundaries in order to feel safe, just as adults need a house with strong walls and a roof to feel protected from the weather.  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 2

May 22, 2012 By Steph Leave a Comment

(Part 1)

In the last piece we looked at how Proverbs 22:6 means to discipline children in a way that works with them instead of against them.  God is not an adversarial Parent to us, therefore, we should not be adversarial parents with our children as we are also sinners and actually sin more than our children do.  The purpose of this series is to learn how to discipline our children in a manner that will lead them to God instead of away from Him.  We must provide gentle yet firm discipline to our children.  In this piece we will look at how to validate feelings, deal with temper tantrums, and why we shouldn’t use time-out as punishment but instead use something known as “time-IN” to help children calm down in a helpful way.

Validating Feelings—“It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to!”

Many people fail to realize just how much of an emotional life infants have right from birth.  The young infant feels happy, sad, angry, and scared.  But because crying is the only way of communicating their feelings, many infants do not get the validation that they require.  Tragically, some infants are ignored and/or punished for crying.  It is very important to understand that infants’ emotions are also their needs, and those needs must always be responded to in a sensitive and respectful manner.  “It seems wise for caregivers to make the assumption that infants of all ages have feelings, since it helps us to understand their needs.  The interventions we make that are consonant with our interpretations of infant emotions often seem to have the intended effect.  We pick up a crying baby to soothe what we believe to be the child’s pain or discomfort as much as to stop the crying, and the subsequent relaxation of the infant confirms our belief about his or her feelings” (Fogel, 2011, p. 280).  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 1

April 3, 2012 By Steph 4 Comments

In this series we will be looking at how to biblically discipline our children without inflicting pain on them or harming them in any way.  Some of the discipline strategies that we will be discussing throughout this series are modeling, child-proofing, validating feelings, fulfilling the child’s physical and emotional needs, setting realistic limits and boundaries, helping children comply, giving choices, and using natural and logical consequences with children.  The Bible says that we are to encourage each other (2 Corinthians 13:11).  All of the discipline strategies in this series do exactly that with our children.  In this first piece, we will be discussing authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting.  We will also discuss how to child-proof, modeling, and introducing God to our children.

Authoritative versus Permissive Parenting—Not Spanking does NOT Mean Wild, Rebellious Children

Pro-spankers often accuse or claim that parents who do not spank or use any type of punishment with their children of having wild and rebellious children.  This simply is not the case for parents that use the authoritative parenting style.  There seems to be much confusion over the three types of parenting styles.  We discussed the authoritarian parenting style in great detail in Part 6 of my series, “The Effects of Spanking.”  As we begin to focus on how to gently but firmly discipline children, we need to examine the other two parenting styles: authoritative parenting and permissive parenting. [Read more...]

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The Effects of Spanking Part 6 *Sensitive*

February 21, 2012 By Steph 4 Comments

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

In the last part of this series we saw how teaching children to equate love with pain can cause them to become sadomasochistic.  We also saw how spanking children, even when done “lovingly” and the “right way,” causes many children to struggle with depression, guilt, and shame as having pain intentionally inflicted on them by their parents never makes them feel positive about themselves.  In this concluding piece of this series, we will see how spanking keeps the vicious cycle of abuse and authoritarian parenting going for generations unless one fights against it.  New research shows that children that are physically punished/abused can develop a form of Stockholm Syndrome as they deny and repress their pain.  Also, I will be showing that intentionally inflicting pain on children causes brain damage as the brain gets rewired due to experiencing pain and trauma throughout childhood.  Many parents do not realize how vulnerable the young, developing brain is.  Finally, I will be explaining the Scientific Method of conducting research in order to disprove the claim of a great deal of pro-spankers that all the research proving spanking is harmful is somehow biased.  I hope this series further proves that spanking did not come from God otherwise none of these harmful effects would ever occur.

The Cycle of Abuse and Authoritarian Parenting—“My parents spanked me and I survived and so will my children!”
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The Effects Of Spanking Part 5 *Sensitive*

November 29, 2011 By Steph 9 Comments

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

In the previous piece we discovered that fear is the main effect of corporal punishment that all children experience despite the Bible clearly stating that fear is not from God. We also saw in the previous piece that “loving, godly” spankings are indeed harmful to children despite what many pro-spankers continue to claim. The research and numerous anecdotes (personal stories) show that hitting “in love,” and in the Name of God often has damaging effects on children even if they deny and repress these effects. In this piece we will be discussing an effect of “lovingly” spanking that has only recently come to my attention. Many people are unaware of the fact that “love” spankings causes sexual problems for children and adults as they seek to turn something painful and out of their control into something pleasant and somewhat controllable. This brief discussion may cause discomfort. We will also discuss how physical punishment often leads to depression, shame, and guilt as spanking never makes one feel good about oneself.

“Love” Spankings Continued—“Children are not sexual beings.”

Many people, in general, believe the above statement to be true. While children do not understand sexuality in the way that adults do, they have the ability at birth to become somewhat aroused and to feel pleasure. This is why young children very innocently explore their bodies during diaper changes and baths. This is a very normal and healthy part of the young child’s development. By the age of two, most young children are beginning to notice the differences between males and females and will ask questions out of pure curiosity. Simple, honest answers are all that young children want and need. While a child’s budding sexuality should be respected, their innocence and purity must be protected. [Read more...]

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The Effects Of Spanking Part 4 *Sensitive*

October 29, 2011 By Steph 20 Comments

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

In the previous piece we looked at how spanking/abuse negatively effects the development of empathy in children.  We also saw that any type of physical punishment can cause aggressive tendencies in children and adults.  Physical punishment also leads to anger in children and adults due to being hurt intentionally by the very people that are supposed to love and protect them.  In this piece, we will see that fear is the main effect of hitting children.  We will see that by teaching children that God wants them to be spanked, they often develop a fear of God which either strains their relationships with God or causes them to reject Him altogether.  Finally, we will see that spanking “in love” is indeed harmful despite what many pro-spankers claim.

Fear-“That child needs the fear of the Lord put in him!”

We have all heard that line from pro-spankers a number of times.   As I pointed out Part 5 in my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” putting the fear of God into a child is one of the primary reasons people spank children.  They use fear and respect as interchangeable concepts when they have no similarities in their meanings.  (See Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking for more info).  Fear is indeed the primary effect experienced by all children who are physically punished whether mildly or severely.  Pain is why physical punishment is effective, though only temporally, as most humans are afraid of pain and will usually do everything in their power to avoid it.  It usually takes only 1 or 2 times of a young child being hit for him/her to become afraid of getting spanked.  Most pro-spankers, especially Christians, view this fear as a good thing, and even a must, in order to teach children to obey them and ultimately God.  Yet, 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”  And 1 John 4:18 says that there is no fear in love.  Fear comes from satan.  “Courage comes from God, while fear is what Satan tries to give us” (Meyer, 2011, p. 272).  Throughout the Bible God tells His people not to be afraid of Him.  [Read more...]

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The Effects of Spanking – Part 3 *Sensitive*

September 17, 2011 By Steph 9 Comments

(Part 1)  (Part 2)

In the last piece I discussed one of the major effects of spanking, which is denial.  We also looked at repression and the continuum of violence against children.  If a swat or light slap on a child’s hand or bottom is intended to cause pain to the child, then it is a form of violence against the child just as it is for adults.  Children are not sub-humans, and do not deserve to have pain inflicted upon them because they are unable to behave like adults.  As we’ve seen in my last two series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” and “The Christian History of Spanking,” God never intended us to spank our children.   This series further proves this as it is showing the very harmful effects of spanking children—even if it’s done “lovingly” and by Christian parents.  In this piece, I will be discussing how spanking effects empathy, anger, and aggression in children and adults.

Empathy—“That Child Needs a Good Spanking!”

We hear the above statement, “That child needs a good spanking,” by many advocates of spanking as if they have no empathy for what the child is actually experiencing or the pain a “good spanking” will cause the child both physically and emotionally.  As we saw in Part 2 of this series, many pro-spankers were spanked/abused as children themselves but have repressed their pain and are now in denial that hitting children does in fact cause harm.  This denial can often, and does indeed, lead to a lack of empathy when it comes to children as well as other adults. [Read more...]

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The Effects Of Spanking – Part 2 *Sensitive*

August 15, 2011 By Steph 12 Comments

(Part 1)

By now, people have read my very personal story.  I can’t begin to put into words how difficult that was for my family and me.  As I said in Part 1, the purpose of this series is to explore all of the effects of using physical punishment with children.  In this piece, I will be discussing denial as one of the many effects of spanking (hitting) children.  I will also share a couple of definitions of physical abuse, and will discuss the continuum of violence against children.

Denial—“I was spanked and I turned out OK”

One of the many, and most visible if one looks closely enough, effects of spanking and physical abuse is denial.  Denial is a psychological defense mechanism to any traumatizing or painful event.  This is why denial is one of the first steps in the grieving process.  It is easier to deny that something very painful has occurred than to deal with the pain head on.  How many times have we heard, “I was spanked and I’m okay,” from pro-spankers?  Go on the Internet and Google “spanking children,” and we get an array of pro-spankers arguing intensely with anti-spankers about how spanking isn’t harmful.  They base their arguments on their personal experiences.  They are often quick to become defensive, and even get downright angry, when anti-spankers try to gently point out how and why they are wrong.  This is due to the fact that it is very difficult to admit that their parents did hurt them as children, or that they are now hurting their own children.  [Read more...]

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The Effects of Spanking Part 1 *Sensitive*

August 15, 2011 By Steph 4 Comments

What are the effects of spanking?  Is it true that as long as one does it the “right, loving, godly” way that there are no harmful effects to the child?  Are the research studies claiming that spanking is harmful biased and inaccurate?  What about the studies claiming that not all spankings are harmful?  These are just a few of the questions I will explore throughout this series.  We have already explored why Scripture or God does not support using physical punishment with our children despite what many Christian pro-spankers say.  We have read many stories of parents trying to do the right thing for their children, but harmed or killed them in the process all because satan had tricked them into believing that using physical punishment was what God wanted.  In this series, we will hear from many who were spanked as children and how it affected them and their relationships with God.  If God hasn’t spoken to hearts in my previous series, I pray He will with this series.  Please, allow God to speak to you as you read this series.  He will not condemn you.

My Story

I have touched on my story here and there throughout my series, but I haven’t actually told my story until now.  What I am about to write is quite difficult for me.  Parts of it my own husband didn’t even know.  But I am trusting God to use my pain for His Glory.  I grew up in a non-active Christian home.  We had Jesus figurines and the Ten Commandments on the wall, but we didn’t go to church.  I had Bibles and Bible storybooks, but God was not emphasized.  I was born with severe Cerebral Palsy.  When I was born, I did not breathe for roughly 40 minutes.  The doctors were about to give up on me but my dad about punched one of them and told them not to give up on me.  I’m grateful God did not let my dad allow the doctors to give up on me.  God had/has a plan for me. [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 6

July 18, 2011 By Steph 2 Comments

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

This will be the conclusion of this series in which we have explored and discovered some of the origins of spanking children within Christianity.  It was my goal to show that spanking is from man and not God, as so many well-meaning Christians have believed throughout the ages.  In this paper, I will show how the idea of controlling children dates back to the early church in the ancient world, look at how Catholicism has advocated and used physical punishment with children, show the likely origin of the “Christian rules of how to spank children,” and will conclude with explaining Behaviorism and how physical punishment falls under that very old and outdated branch of Psychology.

The Origins of the Christian Need to Control Children

Many Christian advocates of spanking as well as the parents who follow these advocates are often quite concerned with controlling their children’s behavior, and really, one could say controlling their children.  Advocates such as James Dobson, the Ezzos, the Pearls, and others teach parents that they must be in control of their children from birth.  They claim that newborn infants must be taught that their parents are the bosses, not them.  If this sounds familiar, it is because control and breaking children’s wills go hand and hand.  We’ve seen how breaking the child’s will has been advocated for and done by Christians throughout history despite there being no biblical grounds for doing such a thing (See Parts 1, 2, & 3 for more info on breaking children’s wills).  This need for adults to control their children dates back to New Testament times.  In fact, certain verses of the New Testament are used to try and justify controlling one’s children. [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 5

June 10, 2011 By Steph 2 Comments

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3) (Part 4)

This should, and will in my book, preface Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” where I discuss how children were treated during New Testament times, and how Christ radically changed how people are to view them.  Back in New Testament times, children were, in general, loved but viewed as animals that needed to be trained (Strange, 2004).   In this piece, I would like to explore more of the cultural context in which the Gospel was written as Jesus’ childhood was left out of the Gospels except for His birth in Matthew and Luke as well as a single brief story of Jesus at age 12 in Luke 2:41-52.  While it is obvious that God felt that we do not need to know much about Christ’s childhood in order to truly know Who He is, I am merely interested in portraying what people thought of childhood as another reason why the Gospel writers left out much of Jesus’ childhood.  Please note that I am in no way putting the Gospel writers down as they were wholly inspired by God to include what they did in the Gospels.

People in the first century definitely had an interest in children, but when it came to childhood, it was not looked upon by the people as an important, valuable time of growth and development within one’s lifespan.  Unlike today, childhood was not seen as an important part of who a person would eventually become.  “But while people in the ancient world were interested in children, they were not so interested in childhood… Modern people have been taught to see childhood as a time of formation and growth, a time when a person passes through certain crucial stages of development.  The ancient world was simply not so reflective about childhood and did not see human personality in the same developmental way” (Strange, 2004, p. 40).  People in the ancient world did understand that there were certain skills that children needed to be taught in order to be productive adults.   But they did not understand the different developmental stages children went through that would allow them to learn these skills.  Needless to say, education of children could often be brutal and very unimaginative during the first century due to this lack of knowledge and interest in childhood (Strange, 2004). [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 4

May 14, 2011 By Steph Leave a Comment

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3)

In this paper of this series in which I am exploring the Christian history of spanking, I would like to begin by discussing some of John Calvin’s beliefs in regards to children as many of the people that we have discussed in this series have been highly influenced by Calvin’s beliefs.  After I discuss John Calvin, we will look at Jonathan Edwards as he still influences some Christian advocates of spanking children.  It is my hope that people are discovering for themselves that spanking is from man, not from God as we go through this historic journey together.

John Calvin

John Calvin (1509-1564) was one of the primary figures in the Protestant Reformation.  He became a born again Christian in 1533.  He then became a Protestant pastor in Geneva, Switzerland, and created the Geneva Academy after returning from exile in 1542.  “Calvin’s major institutional contribution to education was his Geneva Academy, which he established upon his return from exile.  The academy was divided into two schools.  The private school taught children until about age sixteen, and the public school served as the university” (Reed & Provost, 1993, p. 197).  Calvin believed in the strict religious education of children, and the Geneva church controlled the academy.  The teachers employed by the church were well versed in Calvin’s strict disciplinarian approach that often included physical punishment.  The following poem shows exactly how John Calvin felt regarding the use of physical punishment with children:

Who spares the rod with spirit mild,
He surely hates and harms his child.
Stripes and fear are right;
But who disowns their might,
And trains his son in tender way,
Unfits him for life’s earnest fray” (Reed & Provost, 1993, p. 198).

It is clear from this poem that Calvin had no understanding of lovingly admonishing children as well as adults as Colossians 3:16 tells us to do.  Nor did he seem to understand Christ’s teaching of forgiveness (Luke 3:3; Luke 24:47).   And I must wonder if he knew that gentleness and patience are some of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

Before I get too deeply into Calvin’s beliefs about children, I would like to take a look into how society in general viewed children and childhood during the 16th century.  [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 3

April 12, 2011 By Steph Leave a Comment

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 )

Jonathan Wesley (1703-1791) is known as the founder of Methodism, and for the effects he had (and still has) on the education of children and adults.  In Part 2, I looked at the child-rearing practices of his mother, Susanna Wesley, whom many Christian advocates of spanking hold up as a model for Christian mothers.  Susanna gave John special attention as he almost died in one of the house fires.  John deeply loved his mother, and it has been said that he didn’t think he could ever find a woman like his mother to marry.  Now, before we say that his mother’s child-rearing practices couldn’t have been that bad if he loved her that much, it is well documented that abused children that have been taken away from their abusive parents will cry and ask, “If I’m really good tomorrow, can I go home to my mommy and daddy?”  As I point out in Part 5 of my series called, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” children have a very forgiving nature and love their parents no matter what.  That’s how I was with my dad despite his physical abuse.  He said he was sorry many times throughout my childhood, and I always forgave him.  Now some pro-spankers may argue that there’s a line between abuse and spanking.  My dad never left marks on my body, but it was indeed abuse as he’d hit and be rough with me for things out of my control.  My mom only spanked me once, and though she never apologized, I forgave her within the week.  Though both my parents were wrong for hitting me, I’ve long forgiven both of them and have a great relationship with my mom.  So, for all those who claim spankings didn’t hurt them, I must ask that they truly think about how they felt right before, during, and afterwards because when children are hurt by the closest people in their lives, it does harm and hurt, otherwise there wouldn’t be so much denial and controversy over using physical punishment with our children!  And if spanking (hitting) children was ordained by God, then there would be NO questions or controversy among Christians and the secular world regarding the amount of harm spanking a child does as Scripture clearly states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 2

March 26, 2011 By Steph 8 Comments

(Part 1)

Susanna Wesley (1669-1742) is held up as the “Mother of Methodism.”  She married Samuel Wesley who was a pastor.  The Wesley’s had a total of 19 children, but only 10 of the children survived past infancy.  Susanna, as most Puritans, valued education.  However, she even taught her daughters as well as her sons how to read and write which was not common during the 18th century (Heitzenrater, 2001).  She also allowed each child to do what he/she could for their selves starting from birth.  Susanna was a very devoted mother.

Before we get too deeply into Susanna’s child rearing beliefs and practices, we must take a brief look at how children were viewed by most during the 18th century.  During this time period, children were seen as miniature adults.  They were dressed like adults and were expected to behave like adults at very young ages.  The quicker they behaved like adults, the better.  Otherwise, children were not to be seen or heard.  They were kept out of the room where adults were.  Throughout the 18th century, this view of children slowly evolved as a sort of discovery of childhood occurred.  This change was not necessarily a positive one for children.  Instead of the high expectation for children to be adult-like as soon as possible (which, of course, was negative in and of itself since we now know how important childhood truly is), children were seen as inferior to adults.  [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 1

February 28, 2011 By Steph 18 Comments

In my quest for further understanding as to why so many Christians (and non-Christians, though I am mainly looking at Christians for this study) are adamant pro-spankers, I have begun a journey into some of the darker history of Christianity and the harsh treatment of children starting as young as infancy.  My purpose in doing this study is to uncover some of the main Christian advocates of harsh treatment of children in order to show that spanking came from man and not from God as so many truly believe.

Sadly, as I pointed out in Part 7 of my “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, brutality of children can be traced back to Biblical times which is why Jesus radicalized the way He wanted society to view and treat children.  Despite Jesus placing such a high value on children and never once advising the people to harshly punish young children when He had ample opportunity to do so, Christians have, for centuries, used the Holy Bible to advocate and justify spanking and abusing young children.  For some unknown reason, at least to me as of now, physical punishment runs deep within the roots of Christianity, especially within the sects of the Protestants, Fundamentalists, and Evangelicals.  It is important for me to note here that I proudly consider myself an Evangelical Christian and have always taken the Bible quite literally.  It appears to me as I continue my study of God’s Word and the history of this subject that pro-spankers seem to focus more of their attention on the God of the Old Testament.  Yes, God is the same today, tomorrow, and forever (See James 1:17 & Malachi 3:6a). However, the God of the Old Testament was quite harsh at times in His righteous anger allowing men, women, and children to be killed because of their sins against Him.  But, as I point out in Part 8 of my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” we also see God’s grace and love for His people.  The minute His people cried out to Him in the Old Testament, God forgave them and had mercy on them.  “So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty” Malachi 3:6b-7.  With the coming of Jesus Christ, God allowed His grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness to be much more accessible and evident to mankind.  Through Jesus, we can now have a very personal relationship with the God of the Old Testament. [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 8

February 7, 2011 By Steph 5 Comments

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 ) ( Part 6 ) ( Part 7 )

What is grace?  This is the question running through my head as I wrestle with a bit of discouragement as children continue to be harmed by well-meaning people who want so badly to obey God in their parenting.  As I continue to hear the same comments from pro-spankers who seem almost desperate to defend themselves for fear of being wrong.  As I hear on the morning news that two teenagers were shot and killed by their own mother because they were being “mouthy.”  As a book that advocates spanking infants may be being used by people that I know.  What is grace?  Who deserves grace?  Is the Bible Truth or something that can be used however we want in order to support our own beliefs?  What does it mean to be Spirit led and to take up our crosses and follow Jesus?  Why do some Christians proclaim, “God hates fags?”  Why is there so much division in the Body of Christ when God commands us to be “like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” Philippians 2:2?

Another thing that keeps popping up in my mind and during my Bible study is the following verse:

“So he said to me, ‘This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty” Zechariah 4:6.

This verse is in context with an angel showing Zechariah a vision seemingly related to the coming of a future Messiah to rescue the people.  Yesterday in church, the pastor discussed the uneventful way that Jesus quietly came on the scene amidst the crowds that were waiting by the Jordan River in order to be baptized by a relative, John The Baptist (Matthew 3:13-17).  Everyone thought that the Messiah would come and mightily restore Israel with a mighty sword.  But instead, Jesus came as an infant and lived in humble settings.  He didn’t even look like a powerful king that everyone expected Him to be.  Look how Isaiah the prophet described Jesus: [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 7

January 28, 2011 By Steph 3 Comments

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 ) ( Part 6 )

The Rod

What about the “rod” in the 5 verses in Proverbs that pro-spankers take literally to mean spanking young children?  In Crystal Lutton’s book, Biblical Parenting, she includes an in-depth study of the rod as it is used throughout the Old Testament.  Interestingly, as I will show in a bit, there are only two verses in the Old Testament in which the rod is used to hit someone!  For now, let’s look at the Hebrew word for rod.

The Hebrew word for rod is shebet.   Shebet is defined in Strong’s Hebrew Lexicon #7626 as “rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, scepter, tribe:

a) Rod, staff

b) Shaft (of spear, dart)

c) Club (of shepherd’s implement)

d) Truncheon, scepter (mark of authority)

e) Clan, tribe”

(Lutton, 2001).

Here is Strong’s definition of rod: “From an unused root probably meaning to branch off; a scion, for example literally a stick (for punishing, writing, fighting, walking, ruling, etc.) or figuratively a clan.”  In the KJV of the Bible, rod is used for tribe 140 times; rod 34 times; scepter 10 times; staff 2 times; and miscellaneous 4 times (Lutton, 2001).   It is quite interesting that shebet or rod is used to symbolize tribes.  Also, while it is considered a tool (see Leviticus 27:32, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 2:9, Isaiah 28:27, and Exodus 21:20) in all 34 places in which the word “rod” is used, it is in conjunction with the full council of God.  It is clear that if we look at all the places in which shebet is used for rod in the Old Testament, it is used as a symbol of authority the majority of the time.  It symbolizes the authority of God, nations, and parents as in Proverbs.

In Exodus 20:21 a rod is used to hit someone.  Let’s take a look at the verse.

[Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 6

January 18, 2011 By Steph Leave a Comment

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 )

The following is based on a comment from a pro-spanker to Part 5 of my series. Spanking does not automatically mean you will have a bad relationship with your children. If you have not read my entire series, I highly recommend you do so. Remember, children are very forgiving and want to be in their parents’ good graces.

It is clear from the Hebrew translations that God does NOT want children to be spanked (hit).  Proverbs is Wisdom Literature.  It is not meant to be taken out of context.   The verse cited Hebrews 12:5-6 is not talking about physical punishment nor young children.  Yes, God disciplines us as His children.  Discipline means to TEACH.  God does not punish us.  Jesus rebuked His disciples, but He NEVER punished them.  Even after Peter denied Jesus, Jesus FORGAVE him! [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 5

January 13, 2011 By Steph 4 Comments

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 )

Forgiveness.  It’s the main theme of Christianity.  As Christians, we are forgiven because God sent Jesus to Earth  to be the Atonement for all our sins, past, present, and future.  Through the precious blood of Christ, we are made clean.  “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16. We no longer have to pay for our sins as the people of the Old Testament did through sacrificial offerings of usually animals.  Blood is a big deal throughout the Holy Bible. [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 4

January 8, 2011 By Steph 7 Comments

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 )

In Samuel Martin’s book, he explains how many pro-spankers quote the following Proverb to support their argument that the spanking should cause crying in children.  And cause not just crying, but a broken will.

“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” Proverbs 19:18 (KJV).

One of the most prominent and most followed Christain advocates of spanking children; especially young children, is Dr. James Dobson.  In his book, Dare to Discipline, Dobson (1970) states, “Real crying usually lasts two minutes or less, but may continue for five.  After that point, the child is merely complaining, and the change can be recognized in the tone and intensity of his voice.  I would require him to stop the protest crying, usually by offering him a little more of what caused the original tears” (p. 13).  Does this sound like a loving way to “discipline” our children?  A parent purposely inflicts pain on a child to break his or her will, and then tells the child to quit crying or he or she will purposely inflict more pain on the child.  When I’m in pain, I complain lots.  I remember how awful it felt when my dad hit me and told me to quit crying.  It was all I could do to stifle both the emotional and physical pain that I felt.  God commands us to live in peace with one another to the best of our ability.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18.

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 3

January 7, 2011 By Steph 2 Comments

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 )

I finished Samuel Martin’s book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me today.  Here’s more of what I have learned about God’s Word.

Many Christian advocates of spanking children quote the following Proverb in order to support their philosophy that spanking children will save their souls from Hell.  It says: “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.   14Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” Proverbs 23:13-14 (KJV). Now, the Hebrew word for Hell is Sh’ol.  However, throughout the Hebrew Bible sh’ol doesn’t always mean the eternal, fiery Hell that we immediately conjure up in our minds.  Look at Jonah 2:1-2 where Jonah is talking about being stuck in the whale’s belly:

“From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
“In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry” (NIV).

Obviously, Jonah wasn’t in eternal Hell or permanently dead.  In Job 17:13-16, Job speaks of his only hope in following his family to the grave, sh’ol is translated as grave and corruption.  Sh’ol is also translated as pit as in falling into a pit.  It is clear that the Hebrew word sh’ol does not always mean the eternal Hell and it’s not used in this way any place in the book of Proverbs.  The new NIV translation shows a bit more accurate translation of Proverbs 23:13-14: [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 2

January 6, 2011 By Steph 7 Comments

(Part 1)

After reading and studying more today in this wonderful book by Samuel Martin and doing my own Bible study, here are some things that God has revealed to me.

First, the book of Proverbs is the oldest book in the Holy Bible.  While King Solomon and King Hezekiah wrote most of Proverbs, according to Martin’s book, some of it was also written by authors of ancient Egypt hundreds of years prior to King Solomon and King Hezekiah.  In the Hebrew Bible, The Wisdom Literature which are Job, Psalms, and Proverbs are arranged in a different order than they appear in our modern day Bibles.  Instead of Job,  Psalms, Proverbs; it’s Psalms, Proverbs, Job.  These Holy books were inspired by God to be written primarily for young men.

The Hebrew language breaks up each stage of childhood in the Bible into specific names from birth to adulthood.   I will not list them here at the moment, but what is key to point out here is the Book of Proverbs was written for young men (Hebrew: Na’ar).  Na’ar is the teenage years, 12 years to roughly 19.  During this stage of life during biblical times, young men were considered ready to learn the Law, looking to marry, and able to understand abstract concepts.  This makes sense as reknown psychologist Jean Piaget recognized that people 12 and up were in the Formal Operational stage of cognitive development.  Young children cannot think abstractly.  That is why a young child will run to the window if you say it’s raining cats and dogs.  The young child truly expects to see cats and dogs falling from the sky.  The young takes everything at its literal meaning.  [Read more...]

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will

January 4, 2011 By Steph 5 Comments

I am reading a wonderful book by theologian, Samuel Martin, Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me. It’s clear from historic, contextual, Hebrew info on the book of Proverbs that we are NOT to spank (hit) children. The book of Proverbs was not meant for verses to be taken out of context. Even Jewish scholars believe that spankings are for boys 12 years & up and only as an absolute LAST resort. Proverbs was written under the Law of Moses. Christians are under the Law of Christ.  What is the Law of Christ?  Grace, peace, mercy and love.  “ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”  Galatians 5:22-23.

Jesus freed us from the Law.  “But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law”  Galatians 5:18. When we spank, we are parenting under the Law.   We are not accepting the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus.  Jesus died for us.  He was beaten to a bloody pulp for us.  Why do we feel we must beat, spank, and hit our young children who do not understand sin nor physical punishment.  “In regard to evil be infants” 1 Corinthians 14:20b.

Even Jewish scholars forbid the use of physical punishment for children under 6.  The very age Christian advocates of spanking say it’s best for.  Every time you hit a child, even “lovingly,” you create confusion, anger, fear, and resentment which breed sin later on. [Read more...]

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