Abuse Without Hitting

Dulce de Leche features an anonymous testimony about the damage of emotional and mental abuse in But He Never Hit Her.

Another Abusive School on CNN

Under Much Grace shares the transcripts and video of CNN’s report on Pinehaven Home for Troubled Teens in a 3 part series which starts here.

 

Pastor Found Guilty of Child Abuse

The Wisconsin State Journal reports that Philip Caminiti, the pastor of the Aleitheia Bible Church, was found guilty yesterday, Wednesday March 21, 2012.  This is very important as it will set a precedence that pastors can be held accountable for their abusive advice.

 

Christian child abuse: more works-based carnality

Churchmouse has posted an extensively researched look at Spiritual and Physical Abuse in Christian child abuse: more works-based carnality.  This is a long piece and well worth the time it will take to read it.

Trail Set to Begin for Pastor of Aleitheia Bible Church

The Wisconsin State Journal reports “Trial set to begin for pastor who allegedly instructed followers to beat their children with dowels.

A Psychology Professor Critiques the Pearls’ Teachings

Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas has uploaded a video from FOX News in which “SMU Psychology Professor George Holden, who specializes in child-parent relationships and positive child rearing, talks critically about Michael and Debi Pearl’s book “To Train Up A Child,” which advocates spanking.”  More information about Professor Holden here.

The Effects of Spanking Part 6 *Sensitive*

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

In the last part of this series we saw how teaching children to equate love with pain can cause them to become sadomasochistic.  We also saw how spanking children, even when done “lovingly” and the “right way,” causes many children to struggle with depression, guilt, and shame as having pain intentionally inflicted on them by their parents never makes them feel positive about themselves.  In this concluding piece of this series, we will see how spanking keeps the vicious cycle of abuse and authoritarian parenting going for generations unless one fights against it.  New research shows that children that are physically punished/abused can develop a form of Stockholm Syndrome as they deny and repress their pain.  Also, I will be showing that intentionally inflicting pain on children causes brain damage as the brain gets rewired due to experiencing pain and trauma throughout childhood.  Many parents do not realize how vulnerable the young, developing brain is.  Finally, I will be explaining the Scientific Method of conducting research in order to disprove the claim of a great deal of pro-spankers that all the research proving spanking is harmful is somehow biased.  I hope this series further proves that spanking did not come from God otherwise none of these harmful effects would ever occur.

The Cycle of Abuse and Authoritarian Parenting—“My parents spanked me and I survived and so will my children!”

Many pro-spankers often make this statement.  They’ve learned that physically punishing children is an acceptable manner of child rearing as it is what their parents did to them.  Also, Christian advocates of spanking have incorrectly taught them that God mandates the use of physical punishment in order to have godly children.  As these people have grown up learning never to question authority figures, it makes it easy for them to blindly obey the Christian advocates of spanking who claim that they are “experts” on child rearing such as Dobson, the Pearls, Lessin, Tripp, the Ezzos, and Christenson.  Plus, many well-meaning, everyday church pastors teach that the rod verses in Proverbs mean that we are to hit children in order to “discipline” them.  (See “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for why the rod verses actually do not mean to physically punish children).  The way parents were treated as children is most often the way parents will go on to treat their children.   “If you are harsh and demanding, it is very likely your children will rebel and turn away from your value system sometime down the road.  In addition, you are setting up your children to reap a lifetime of emotional pain and rejection, and the cycle of abuse continues” (Kuzma, 2006, p. 9).

Many people confuse the three parenting styles.  The three parenting styles are authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  If parents physically punish their children, they are authoritarian, even if they do some of the things that authoritative parents do such as listening to their children at times or offer some choices to the children.  This is because authoritarian parenting stresses obedience without question, first-time obedience, strictness, and the use of punishment, especially corporal punishment, with their children.  Authoritarian parents also have very high (usually beyond what the children are developmentally capable of) expectations for their children.  While authoritarian parents, in general, love their children very much and simply want the best for them, these parents tend to focus more on keeping control of their children than on using effective discipline strategies that respect the actual needs of the individual child.  Janet Heimlich (2011) explains authoritarianism this way, “What is authoritarianism?  Usually this term refers to an oppressive form of government where leaders have great control over their subjects.  Dictionary.com describes authoritarianism as ‘favoring complete obedience or subjection to authorities as opposed to individual freedom’” (p. 46).  Fear is the primary way authoritarian parents gain and maintain control over their children.  Most of these parents are Fundamental Christians in which their church leaders also use authoritarianism tactics to maintain control over their congregations.  “Fear and authoritarianism often go hand in hand, as religious leaders can use terror tactics to maintain order and control” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 48).

Is authoritarianism biblical?  One could say it was during Old Testament times as God was not easily accessible, and people had to obey all God’s commandments in order to be accepted by God.  But, as I continue to point out throughout all of my series, God saw that His people were not able to live up to His extremely high expectations and choose to send His Son, Who was God, to die for all of humanity’s sins.  God humbled Himself to the lowliest of lows and choose to come to Earth as an infant, be born naturally as every other baby was born, drink milk from His mother’s breasts, and then suffer and die like a common criminal for us.  Our great and mighty God did all of this for us.  As soon as Christ died, the veil that was across the temple tore in two symbolizing that we now have full and complete access to God (Matthew 27:51).  The God of all creation did that for us.  We now live in grace.  “But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation” Colossians 1:22.  What’s more is that God is singing over us (Zephaniah 3:14-17)!  Therefore, authoritarianism is not biblical.

Sadly, if all one has ever experienced is authoritarianism and being physically punished throughout childhood, it can make it very difficult for the person to break out of that cycle because he or she does not know any other way to be a parent towards his or her child.  Thus, the same patterns take place within the parent-child bond.  Here is an example of the patterns that generally occur in authoritarian and abusive homes.

“The Cycle of Abuse follows a certain predictable pattern that begins when the child is young and gets progressively worse as the child becomes a teenager. Here are the steps you will see:

1. The child misbehaves. 2. The parent notices the child’s misbehavior and gives him instructions to correct it. 3. The child does not comply. He may ignore the instructions, argue, or even refuse to do what the parent says. 4. The parent feels angry. The parent feels that his authority is being threatened. The parent yells at the child, shakes him, insults him, or hits him. 5. The child feels angry, resentful, and worthless. 6. The child’s misbehavior becomes more ingrained and is now based on feelings of revenge and/or worthlessness. 7. The parent becomes more and more frustrated with the continued misbehavior and the entire cycle escalates until someone intervenes or someone gets hurt badly.

You can see the potential for this cycle to occur in any family” (Keith, 2011, http://childparenting.about.com/cs/familyissues/a/childabusecycle.htm).

This is particularly true in homes where obedience to authority is of the utmost importance.  As obedience becomes ingrained in the child’s mind, as with Dave who we met in Part 5, he or she may become afraid to question anyone, and may begin to crave the healthy amount of control that he or she lacked throughout childhood that when he or she finally has a child, he or she may begin to enforce the control onto the child.  These people feel so angry, resentful, and guilty that they misuse their authority over their child because they are finally in a position of power over someone reliant on them.  Miller (1994) states, “When someone suddenly gives vent to his or her rage, it is usually an expression of deep despair, but the ideology of child beating and the belief that beating is not harmful serve the function of covering up the consequences of the act and making them unrecognizable.  The result of a child becoming dulled to pain is that access to the truth about himself will be denied him all his life.  Only consciously experienced feelings would be powerful enough to subdue the guard at the gates, but these are exactly what he is not allowed to have” (p. 78).

Another reason why using authoritarian parenting and physical punishment with children tends to keep the cycle of abuse going is that, as I discussed in Part 3 of this series, a great deal of children who are physically punished struggle with a lack of empathy as they deny their own pain and become a proud survivor of physical punishment.  This sense of pride makes them deaf toward other’s pain and suffering, especially that of their children.  Also, they have become accustomed to obeying authority, especially when they believe that it is “godly,” and will obey even when it causes severe pain to a child.  Alice Miller (1994) states:

“The other explanation—that these were people who worshipped authority and were accustomed to obey—is not wrong, but neither is it adequate to explain a phenomenon like the Holocaust, if by obeying we mean the carrying out of commands that we consciously regard as being forced upon us.  People with any sensitivity cannot be turned into mass murderers overnight.  But the men and women who carried out ‘the final solution’ did not let feelings stand in their way for the simple reason that they had been raised from infancy not to have any feelings of their own but to experience their parents’ wishes as their own.  These were people who, as children, had been proud of being tough and not crying, of carrying out all their duties ‘gladly,’ of not being afraid—that is, at bottom, of not having an inner life at all” (p. 81).

This very well might explain why Michael Pearl and other Christian as well as non-Christian pro-spankers seem so proud of what they are advocating and doing to their children.  Their hearts have been harden by the pain they experienced as children, thus, continuing this vicious cycle by not only doing it to their children, but teaching other parents to do it to their children in order to “obey God” and raise “godly children.”  Studies have been done showing this pride and willingness to obey authority even when it causes another to be in severe pain.

One such study was conducted by Stanley Milgram, which was published in 1974 as Obedience to Authority.  In this study, Milgram wanted to see the lengths that people would go in obeying someone they perceived as having authority over them.  To conduct his experiment, he set up a situation in which there was a “teacher” and a “learner.”  The teacher would ask the learner a question, and if the learner answered the teacher’s question incorrectly, or failed to respond at all, a shock ranging from 0-450 volts would be administered to the learner at increasingly voltage each time the shock was administered by the teacher.    In reality, no shocks were actually given to the learner, but this fact was kept from the teacher. “The experiment’s true purpose was to discover the point at which an individual would refuse to obey and then actively disobey the insistent commands of the experimenter.  Milgram found that in experimental situations in which the ‘learner’ voiced his response to the increasing shocks, from mild discomfort to agonizing screams and pleas to be released from the straps binding him to his chair, many of the ‘teachers’ nevertheless continued to inflict the shocks” (Greven, 1992, p. 201).  What’s more is many of these “teachers’ continued administering the shocks until the “learner” finally grew silent as the higher voltage shocks could cause serious harm and even death.  This concerned Milgram and his colleagues.  Greven (1992) goes on to state, “What astonished Milgram and his colleagues was the proportion of individuals willing to obey the command to inflict pain right to the limit even when, in at least one instant, the person inflicting the shock believed that the person being shocked had died.  After the termination of the experiment, this man commented: ‘Well, I faithfully believed the man was dead until we opened the door.  When I saw him, I said, ‘Great, this is great.’  But it didn’t bother me even to find that he was dead.  I did a job’” (p. 202).

It is important to note that the study used people from all different backgrounds and different walks of life, and yet, half still continued to give shocks up to the maximum limit.  I found this very interesting and disturbing as did Milgram.  Why would so many seemingly good people obey authority to the point of inflicting such severe pain and even death on another person?  Knowing the research in child development, I suspect it had something to do with how these people were treated as children.  Also, these people believed that the shocks that they were administering to the “learner” were for his own good.  “In most of the experiments, Milgram found that approximately half the people who volunteered to give the shocks were willing to obey the authority to the limit despite the anguished pleas, and subsequent silence, of the person they were helping to ‘teach’” (Greven, 1992, p. 202).

While Stanley Milgram never considered the childhoods of the people who obeyed unwaveringly, I believe that this study shows what happens when pain, fear, and coercion are used with children; they lose a major part of themselves.  Christians think broken wills are a good thing for children, but in reality, a broken will means an inability to think or feel for oneself.  A broken will eventually turns into a hardened, calloused, prideful heart that is willing to listen to only the Christian teachers that align with their beliefs rather than taking the time to really study God’s Word and hear His still, small voice.  This also allows children to relate and defend their parents’ hurtful and abusive actions, and therefore, keeping the cycle of abuse and authoritarianism going despite hearing their children’s cries of pain.

Stockholm Syndrome

Most people are familiar with Stockholm Syndrome from the two well-covered cases of it.  The first case of Stockholm Syndrome happened in Stockholm, Sweden on August 23, 1973.  Bank robbers held three women and a man hostage for 131 hours.  The robbers strapped dynamite to all of the hostages.  At the end of the hostage situation, the hostages wound up defending their captors.

The second well-known case of Stockholm Syndrome is what happened with Patty Hearst.  Patty Hearst was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army on February 4, 1974. When two months later the group robbed a bank in San Francisco, it was observed on the bank’s surveillance camera that Patty was with the group and holding a gun during the robbery.  She had become attached to her captors and voluntarily aided them in their criminal activity.  Here are a few more details of the situation that Patty Hearst was in so that we can understand the psychological aspects of how people can develop Stockholm Syndrome:

“The apparent leader, Donald DeFreeze, called himself Field Marshall Cinque Mtume. Like Charles Manson only five years before, he wanted to start a revolution of the underprivileged, and he intended to do that by declaring war on those with status and money. From his followers he commanded total obedience and worship.

By her account, Patty was kept blindfolded for two months in a closet at the group’s headquarters, unable even to use the bathroom in privacy. DeFreeze realized that her visibility as a social figure that had gained the nation’s sympathy would showcase his cause, so he worked to turn her into an angry revolutionary.

From her report, DeFreeze relied on harsh psychological techniques:

She was isolated and made to feel that no one was going to rescue her.

She was physically and sexually abused by various members of the gang.

She was told that she might die.

She was fed lies about how the gang was oppressed by the establishment.

She was forced to record messages that blasted those she loved.

By early April, she had a new identity and was deemed ready to accompany the gang on their next daring foray” (Ramsland, 2011, http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/terrorists_spies/terrorists/hearst/1.html).

Many people don’t realize that Stockholm Syndrome occurs in domestic situations as well, such as spousal abuse and child abuse.  With the main dynamic occurring in cases of Stockholm Syndrome being that the person is reliant on the captor/abuser for survival, many times the victim will end up becoming attached to the captor/abuser, and begins to truly believe the captor/abuser has his or her best interests at heart as he or she believes the lies that the captor/abuser feeds him or her.  Also, the abuser holds absolute power over the victim.  “Because survival depends upon the good will of the oppressor, the abused become infatuated with and bonded to them” (Levy, 2009, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tribal-intelligence/200909/mackenzie-phillips-and-the-stockholm-syndrome).  This is how it is with children and their parents.  Children have no choice but to be totally reliant on their parents for survival.  Most parents that physically and emotionally harm their children truly love their children, and will do just enough things correctly, such as comfort their children, be responsive to some of their children’s needs, and play with their children, that the children form an attachment to their parents—even if it isn’t a secure attachment.  (See “Why NOT to Train a Baby” for more info on attachment).  As children grow up being fed lies by their parents about physical punishment being “for their own good,” being done “out of love,” children begin to deny and repress their pain allowing them to truly believe these lies.  They begin to identify with their parents, thus, believing their parents have done nothing wrong to them.

Michael Pearl seems to be a perfect example of Stockholm Syndrome occurring because of child abuse.  As I mentioned in the previous section of this piece, he talks proudly of the whippings that he received as a child.  And now he proudly teaches parents to do the same to their children beginning in early infancy.  He truly sees nothing wrong with his teachings despite three children dying because their parents followed his teachings.  Interestingly, it appears that the more severely the parents abuse a child, the more likely it is for the child to develop this form of Stockholm Syndrome.  “In the book, Traumatic Experience and the Brain, author David Ziegler, the director of a treatment program for abused children, writes that ‘I have often noticed that the degree of loyalty from a child to an abusive parent seems to be in direct proportion to the seriousness of the abuse the child received. In this counterintuitive way, the stronger or more life-threatening the treatment, the stronger the loyalty from the child’” (Levy, 2009, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tribal-intelligence/200909/mackenzie-phillips-and-the-stockholm-syndrome).

Since children can never escape from their parents on their own, they cannot completely withdraw from their parents.  Therefore, children will develop unique ways of coping with harsh treatment.  “If the betrayed person is a child and the betrayer is a parent, it is especially essential the child does not stop behaving in such a way that will inspire attachment. For the child to withdraw from a caregiver he is dependent on would further threaten his life, both physically and mentally. Thus the trauma of child abuse by the very nature of it requires that information about the abuse be blocked from mental mechanisms that control attachment and attachment behavior” (Freyd, 2009, http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/defineBT.html).   Blocking the pain from physical punishment and abuse is known as dissociation.  Dissociation is where the child mentally removes him/herself from the situation so that he or she can no longer feel the pain.  It is like an out of body experience.  During a spanking, a child might pretend to be hovering over the scene where his or her parent is hitting him or her.  This allows children to cope with the pain without risking their ability to survive by maintaining a bond with their parents.  I believe Stockholm Syndrome is a very real negative effect of corporal punishment.  It may explain why so many pro-spankers are proud that they survived being physically punishment and see nothing wrong with continuing the cycle with their children.  Sadly, as we’ve seen throughout this series, messing with little minds and bodies leads to big consequences that are permanent.  In the next section we will see that physical punishment leads to young brains being harmed.

How Spanking Hurts Brain Development

The first seven years of a child’s life is when the majority of brain development and growth occurs.  The first three are even more vulnerable because the foundations of brain and personality growth happen during these first few years.  Yes, infants are born with a certain personality, but what happens to infants after birth often has long-term consequences on whom they will become.  The brain is developing very fast during this time, and all experiences will either enhance or harm this critical time of brain development.  “In early childhood, the brain develops faster than any other organ in the body. By age 5, the brain reaches about 90 percent of its adult weight, and by 7, it is fully grown. This makes early childhood a very sensitive and critical period in brain development” (Riak, 2011, http://www.nospank.net/pt2009.htm).  What’s more is that many Christian advocates of spanking infants claim that the infants are purposely trying to manipulate their parents, but this is not true as the way that the infant’s brain works makes them incapable of manipulating their parents.

“Because children lack abstract reasoning and analytical abilities until they approach the age of twelve, they lack the ability and the mental wiring to be able to plot “diabolically.”  This website offers an easily understood description and more detail about how the brain of a child develops over time, noting how brain function starts out as rudimentary and becomes more sophisticated as the child matures.  Children learn as they grow and grow as they learn, but that learning process differs greatly from the way an adult learns.  The Pearls created the idea of the child as the natural adversary of the parent, an idea that does not arise from Biblical or scientific fact.  Their concept of the ‘diabolical will’ of the child attempts to spiritualize and rationalize the Pearls’ own intolerance of the natural immaturity and the limited function of a young and developing child” (Kunsman, 2012, http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-its-like-to-experience-only-right.html).

Sadly, people just don’t know how vulnerable the young brain is, and that spanking, no matter how it is done, has been shown to affect brain development in a highly negative manner.  Most children begin getting physically punished before they are 1-year-old.  And most Christian pro-spankers claim that it is best to spank children between the ages of two and six years old.  This is precisely when the brain is the most vulnerable to stress and trauma.  The pain of being physically punished is unlike other types of pain that young children experience because their parents, to punish them, intentionally inflict this pain on them.  It is usually accompanied by verbal admonishments from the parent.  Therefore, whether the spanking is administered “lovingly” or in anger, the child, even as an infant, knows that the parent’s intention is to inflict pain on him or her even if the child does not understand why the parent is hitting him or her.  This is why we will often see pain and confusion in a young child’s eyes the first time a parent hits because the child does not know exactly why the parent is doing this.  All the young child knows is mommy or daddy hurt me when I do certain things.  The trauma of being intentionally hurt by the very people children love and are reliant on is what causes negative effects on young children’s brains.

Recent research has studied the brains of people who were abused as children using fMRIs.  One such study was conducted by Psychologist Eamon McCroy.  It was published in Current Biology on December 5, 2011, and it showed that the brains of abused children looked similar to those of soldiers who had been in combat.  “His team compared fMRIs from abused children to those of 23 non-abused but demographically similar children from a control group. In the abused children, angry faces provoked distinct activation patterns in their anterior insula and right amygdala, parts of the brain involved in processing threat and pain. Similar patterns have been measured in soldiers who’ve seen combat” (Keim, 2011, http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2011/12/neurology-of-abuse/).

As I pointed out in Part 4 of this series, children begin to become stressed and fearful before a spanking takes place.  They release stress hormones into their bodies as their heart rates and blood pressures rise.  The pain of being hit only causes their bodies to further secrete stress hormones.  This huge release of stress negatively affects the child’s entire body.  Given that young children are incapable of controlling their emotions and impulses, spankings are likely to occur quite frequently and, sadly, more than once a day.   Having chronic stress is not good for brain development. “Stress caused by pain and fear of spanking can negatively affect the development and function of a child’s brain. It is precisely during this period of great plasticity and vulnerability that many children are subjected to physical punishment. The effect can be a derailing of natural, healthy brain growth, resulting in life-long and irreversible abnormalities” (Riak, 2011, http://www.nospank.net/pt2009.htm).

Now, before I get blamed for not citing Christian research with regard to how physical punishment negatively affects brain development of young children, Dr. Kay Kuzma, Christian author of The First Seven Years, has a background and doctorate degree in Early Childhood Education, states the following:

“If, however, early spankings are given frequently, emotional pain is laid down in the limbic system of the brain that can affect the child’s later behavior.  There is startling new evidence against inflicting pain on children reported in a special issue of Newsweek, titled ‘Your Child,’ (Spring/Summer 1997).  It has to do with the vulnerability of the brain to trauma during the first few years.  If the brain’s organization reflects its experience, and the experience of the traumatized child is fear and stress, then the neurochemical responses to fear and stress become the most powerful architects of the brain.  ‘If you have experiences that are overwhelming, and have them again and again, it changes the structure of the brain,’ says Dr. Linda Mayers of the Yale Child Study Center.  Here’s how:

Trauma elevates stress hormones, such as cortisol, that wash over tender brains like acid.  As a result, regions in the cortex and in the limbic system (responsible for emotions, including attachment) are 20 to 30 percent smaller in abused children than in normal kids, finds Dr. Bruce Perry of Baylor College of Medicine.  These regions also have fewer synapses.

In adults who were abused as children, the memory-making hippocampus is smaller than in nonabused adults.  This effect, too, is believed to be the result of the toxic effects of cortisol.

High cortisol levels during the vulnerable years of zero to three increase activity in the brain structure involved in vigilance and arousal.  (It’s called the locus cerulean.)  As a result the brain is wired to be on hair-trigger alert, explains Perry.  Regions that were activated by the original trauma are immediately reactivated whenever the child dreams of, thinks about, or is reminded of the trauma (as by the mere presence of the abusive person).  The slightest stress, the most inchoate (early stage) fear, unleashes a new surge of stress hormones.  This causes hyperactivity, anxiety, and impulsive behavior.  ‘Kids with higher cortisol levels score lowest on inhibitory control,’ says neurologist Megan Gunnar of the University of Minnesota.  ‘Kids from high-stress environments (have) problems in attention regulation and self-control’ (p. 32)” (Kuzma, 2006, p. 412-413).

We can see a cycle here.  The more trauma that happens to the young, developing brain from being physically punished, the more likely the child will misbehave due to this harm.  The more young children misbehave, the more frequently they will get hit.  At least until the child is old enough to start using psychological coping skills and their minds, spirits, wills, and brains are totally broken.

It is clear that using corporal punishment with children has detrimental effects on their brains and minds, and therefore, should never be used with them.  As I continue to point out throughout all of my series, it is God Who created us.  He knows exactly how our bodies work from conception.  Since He knows how harmful spanking is to His youngest children, surely He never intended the rod verses to be taken literally.  If He had then none of these detrimental effects would occur no matter how the physical punishment is administered.  After all, the way in which rod verses are worded are harsh.  To take them literally would require beating children with a walking stick.  I would like to share Dr. Kay Kuzma suggestion of how we are to interpret these rod verses.  Kuzma (2006) states, “Some suggest that the biblical ‘rod of correction’ was a common measuring instrument to determine certain standards.  The analogy could be made that if children didn’t meet standards, the ‘rod’ would be used to make the necessary corrections—not by beating, but by pointing out error” (p. 416).  Given the biblical explanations to the rod verses that I have provided throughout my series, and the fact that the Bible does in fact speak of using a rod to measure things (Ezekiel 40:5-6; 42:16-19; Revelation 11:1; 21:15-16), I believe this is another accurate way to interpret these rod verses.  After all, God continues to lovingly discipline His people as He freely offers and grants us forgiveness.  “But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you” Psalm 130:4.

How Do We Know the Research Against Corporal Punishment is Reliable and Valid?

Many pro-spankers, especially Christians, often claim that the research proving that all corporal punishment is harmful is biased and inaccurate.  They also claim that corporal punishment and physical abuse get lumped together in many of these anti-spanking studies.  As I described in Part 2 of this series, due to pro-spankers being very divided over where the line is separating a “spanking” from abuse, it is impossible to separate different intensities of hitting.  Hitting a child, no matter how mildly is intended to punish the child and inflict pain upon the child, and therefore, is harmful to the child.  Since the definition of abuse is clear that anything that is harmful to children is abuse, it is virtually impossible to separate corporal punishment from abuse.  But even in studies where “loving” spankings are researched, the results are the same in most cases; it is harmful.

So, how can we be sure that these studies showing corporal punishment to be harmful are accurate?  All valid and reliable studies are done using the scientific method.  The experimenter, who is an experienced professional in the field, comes up with a hypothesis to be tested.  A hypothesis is a hunch or idea that the experimenter wants to see if it’s true.  Using the scientific method, the experimenter conducts the study in order to maintain objectivity.   This means keeping all biases out of the research being conducted.  There are three main things that the scientific method requires of all research.  The first is reliability.  Reliability means conducting the study in a manner that guarantees accurate results each time it is conducted with the same subjects but using different methods.  The second is validity.  Validity means that the test or instrument used in the study measures precisely for which it is intended.  For example, many studies done on corporal punishment use surveys or other high tech instruments to measure the amount of harm done to children and/or adults participating in the studies, and special care was taken to ensure these instruments measured the results accurately.  Finally, replicability guarantees that other researchers can perform the exact experiment, and have similar results.  “Assessing objectivity, reliability, validity, and replicability of studies prevents the dissemination of inaccurate or untrue information that can result from such research pitfalls as poor research design, researcher bias, inappropriate or inaccurate use of statistical methods, insufficient size of population studied, or inadequate or unclear instructions and procedures for research subjects” (Puckett, Black, Wittmer, & Petersen, 2009, p. 25).

I believe all of the research studies that I have presented throughout this series meet the criteria of the scientific method.  And all of the research presented in this study is from credible, well-known scholars in this field.  Yes, there have been a few studies released that claim corporal punishment isn’t harmful to children, but the overwhelmingly majority of studies done say that it is.  Plus, all of the true stories that we have read throughout this series further prove that the research is correct.  Many of these anti-spanking studies are done by Christians as well as by non-Christians.  As Joan Durant, a professor at the University of Minnesota states after completing a recent 20-year study in Canada, “Here, we have more than 80 studies, I would say more than 100, that show the same thing (about corporal punishment), and yet we keep calling it controversial” (French & Wilson, 2012, http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/nm/spanking-kids-can-cause-long-term-harm-canada-study).  It’s due time we begin to take all this research seriously!

Conclusion

In this series we have seen the many negative effects of using physical punishment such as denial and repression, lack of empathy, anger, aggression, fear and anxiety, fear of God, sadomasochism, guilt and shame, low self-esteem, depression, higher risk for domestic violence, Stockholm Syndrome, inhibited brain development, and the continuing cycle of abuse.  I pray that series has further proven that God does not want children to be physically punished.  To end this series, I would like to share two more stories.  One is straight from the Bible.

Rehoboam was the son of King Solomon.  King Solomon may have been blessed by God with wisdom, but he also sinned against God by having many wives and building alters for his wives’ gods.  Children were even sacrificed on these alters.  King Solomon treated Rehoboam very harshly as a child and physically punished him.  How did Rehoboam turn out when he became king after his father died?  Not too well according to 1 Kings 12:1-24.  I am only going to cite 1 Kings 12:10-14 for our purposes.  I highly recommend reading this entire passage because it seems clear that Solomon treated children rather poorly from the way the young men who grew up with Rehoboam advised him.  1 Kings 12:10-14 states, “The young men who had grown up with him replied, “These people have said to you, ‘Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter.’ Now tell them, ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. 11 My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.’”

12 Three days later Jeroboam and all the people returned to Rehoboam, as the king had said, “Come back to me in three days.” 13 The king answered the people harshly. Rejecting the advice given him by the elders, 14 he followed the advice of the young men and said, “My father made your yoke heavy; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.”  Obviously, Rehoboam turned out even worse than his father.  Yes, this was all part of God’s ultimate plan for us (v. 15), but this does not mean that God was pleased about this.  And we must ask why God put Rehoboam’s story in the Bible if He was pro-spanking?  I believe God was trying to show His people what happens when parents treat their children harshly.

The second story I want to share with you also sums up everything that I have presented to you in this series.  Though Chloe was only spanked once as a child, it affected her quite negatively. Her brothers were spanked much more than she was, but sadly, she also fell victim to the very negative effects the spankings had on them.  Here is what Chloe relayed to me in an electronic message dated February 10, 2012:

“I come from a white, upper middle class family.  Though neither of my parents graduated from college, both of them were lucky enough to find incredible jobs and raised their family in comfort, if not leisure.  They had four children, two boys followed by myself, a girl, and another girl.  At least two of their children(the oldest and youngest) were mistakes due to lack of family planning. My parents spoke of divorce quietly, mulling the idea over, unbeknownst to their children, for over ten years while the middle two children(myself and my brother) primarily grew up.

They were not happy with each other.  My father worked long hours, six or seven days out of the week and drank excessive amounts of alcohol when he arrived home.  My mother was suffering from mild depression coupled with a thyroid disease that was later improved by surgery.  This hormonal complication led to impatience and exhaustion and she had no energy to deal with the four of us. She left it up to our father to “deal” with us when he got home.

My father loved us when we were young.  As a young child, I adored him, and went to such lengths as to wait for him outside of the bathroom when he showered in the morning just so I could be the first one there when he opened the door.

Maybe my father loved my older brothers as much when they were young, but all I remember of the interactions between the three of them was rage.  My brothers constantly fought and needlessly were mean to me and my father only dealt with this one way–he would drag the boys into his office and spank them with his belt.  Our father was never one to talk to us before or after we had disobeyed him or made him angry.  We always knew what we had done to upset him and apparently that was enough communication.

Although my brothers were seemingly always in some form of trouble, I never was.  I was an obedient child by nature, aiming to please, and my parents disapproval of my actions through one glance was more than enough for me to repent any misdeed or stop any tantrum.  Later into my adolescence, it was confirmed to me that both of my parents knew how sensitive I was–and my older brother, similarly–and this knowledge enrages me further.

When I was seven, in the 2nd grade, either at the very beginning or the very end of the school year, I made a new friend in class.  She was a new student and she made me promise that I would visit her that night at her house, a block away from my own home, or else she wouldn’t consider me her friend any longer.  Swayed by peer pressure, I asked to go ride my bike that evening after school and though I knew it was against the rules to go off our street, I turned off of our road and peddled down four houses to her new residence to play with her.  We jumped on her trampoline with her older sister, distracted by our game until I noticed it was growing dark.  At the same moment I spotted my father’s truck rushing past the front of the house.  He did not notice my bike lying in their driveway, but I knew with an ache and a jolt that it was time for me to go home.  I raced down the street and hopped off my bike in the front yard of my house, tracing through the unkempt grass of our front yard diagonally as we always did when coming up to the front door.

My father barreled out onto the front porch and demanded where I had been, not waiting for an answer.  He told me he had been out to the major, traffic heavy road looking for me.  I was not to go anywhere the next day.  I leaned my bike against the brick siding, and, unable as always to meet his eyes, I snuck past him into the house.  I caught my mother’s eye in the hallway just as my father struck me for the first and only time in my life.

I was in the second grade, barely 50lbs, and my father was 6″2 and 220lbs.  I was wearing jeans and he only hit me once, on my bottom, open handed and yet my bladder lost control as I ran up the stairs into my bedroom.  I remember crying, and initially I’m sure it was from pain but I was still crying after I changed and went to bed.

This is a normal, all American 1990′s scene.  I was a willfully disobedient child and my father, in a non-abusive manner, disciplined me as he saw fit to teach me never to scare him and Mom like that ever again.  I am positive that he hit me because he had been so afraid of never seeing me again, and he had my best interests at heart, just as with every other time he hit my brothers and younger sister.  I understand in so many ways that I have nothing to complain about when compared to other children in abusive homes.

But I will say a number of things: My parents knew that all of us were sensitive children and we could have learned better if they had had a little more patience with us, even if that patience just staved off hitting us.  All three of my siblings and I are still angry about the way our father physically disciplined us, and we’ve talked this over as adults.  Further, my father admits to being sorry about spanking us.  Not just ‘the way’ he punished us, but the fact that he hit us at all.

Also, my brother, three years my elder, was the most angry about it, far angrier than I could ever be.  He expressed his anger over our father’s spankings by taking it out on me.  My brother beat the ever loving (expletive deleted) out of me when we were children and well into our teenage years, and it escalated to my brother raping me when I was 15.  I am not saying that this is a math equation; that our father hitting my brother directly caused this event that tore my family apart in 2003, but it certainly was a root of the problem.  And while my brother lashed out with his anger, I kept mine hidden.

Ever since I was a very small child, I found spankings sexual.  As an adult woman with sexual relationships in my past and present(although they are continually a work in process, given my history) spanking in the bedroom has always been a desire of mine that has thankfully been fulfilled by generous young men.  In no way am I saying that my father meant anything sexual by spanking me, nor do I perceive that event in any way sexual.  However, being spanked as a child and wanting that specific sensation as a sexually active adult does tend to complicate and convolute my sex life in a very unpleasant way.  I would also like to address the stereotype that childhood spanking leads to adulthood fetishes: I am not saying that.  I’m not saying there is much of a connection between the two.  I am, however, saying that if your child is predestined by nature and temperament (as I was and am) to enjoy that type of sexual conduct, I assure anyone that spanking that child when they are young will not help them in any way, shape or form.  It will only confuse them.

Overall, my parents raised us right.  I love them both.  But I know I could love my dad so much more than I do.  But my trust was broken as a seven year old.  He was supposed to love me unconditionally.  He had all the tools necessary at hand; all he needed to do was not give in to the temptation to hit a child in front of him that scared him and pissed him off.  In his heart, he did have my best interests.  But he caved into his own interests–he caved into the relief that he would feel after dishing out his anger on me.  And, believe me, I have looked at this from all angles.  Some might say that if my father had sat me down, explained why I was being punished, and then calmly spanked me after having me wait in my room, I would feel different.  Less violated.  Less angry.  I assure you, no; I would feel more violated, more angry.  I am glad my father lost control with us.  If he had the nerve to come to the conclusion that I would somehow benefit from being hit in a logical manner, he would be entirely mistaken.

The way I would have learned my lesson would have been this: I had raced home after seeing my father driving in his truck, and saw him approach me on the front porch. From there, if he had bent down to my level at four feet from the ground and told me that he had been so worried that I had been hurt, or taken from him, or lost or scared.  If he had told me that he had been so frightened, that he was about to call the police and have them search for me. . . I would have cried and clung to him and told him I was sorry and that I hadn’t meant to disappoint him or worry him or scare him because I thought the world of him.  I loved him and it was scaring me to see him so scared.  I would have understood that.

And I wouldn’t have spent the next ten years of my life wondering why I was so afraid of my father.  He is a good man, like most men who spank their children. But I beg of anyone to remember how strong and important and loved you are in the eyes of your children, and understand what power you hold in your hands, and at what expense.

I am a 24 year old woman, and when I look at my father, I see a man who would scratch my back while lying together in front of the TV watching Star Trek and I see a man who sacrificed his dream to study history in college to work his entire life and who spent that money on my college education and I love this man.  I wish I could shake this distrust of him, and this sadness that follows my siblings and I from our childhoods.  My brothers both have children, and neither of them have laid a hand on the very well behaved 9, 4, 3, and 2 year olds.  And every time my father talks to any one of us about our childhoods, the regret always shines through.  This is how spanking has effected my entire family.”

Maybe you have read all of this series and have already spanked your children.  Is it too late to change?  No, it is not!  If your children are still young, I urge you to take them in your arms and apologize for spanking them.  Trust me, they will forgive you!  Then tell them that you will no longer spank them, but that they will have consequences for their actions.  Doing this will undo some of the damage that has been done to them.  Be prepared for them to act out more at first as they finally feel safe with you to show you their big emotions.  Be patient with them and yourself as you make this transition with them.  Pray often.  If your children are grown, I still strongly urge you to apologize to them and tell them you were wrong.  This will help them to hopefully stop the cycle with their children.  Whatever happens, never give up on your children!  Grace is for parents too!

God does not want children to be hit.  I pray that people will open their hearts to His Truth!  In my next series entitled, “Discipline without Harm,” we will discuss how to discipline children in gentle but firm ways in order that they may be led towards our loving God instead of away from Him.  For now, I leave us with this touching imagery by Dr. Kay Kuzma as we turn our focus away from punishment and towards discipline as God intended:

“If I focus on Jesus as a disciplinarian, I see Him calling to a disobedient child, ‘Come unto Me.’ Then I see Him gently lifting that child into His arms, establishing eye contact, and talking to him seriously.  I hear Jesus pointing out the folly of disobedience and the consequences that will result.  I see Jesus taking time to listen to the child’s feelings.  Then I see Jesus pointing out the love that God has for His erring children and how God established limits so they wouldn’t hurt themselves, others, or things.  Then with tears in His eyes, I see Jesus praying with the child that he will turn from his disobedience and be willing to obey his parents’ reasonable rules and God’s rules.  I can even see Jesus imposing a meaningful consequence if the lesson needs reinforcing.  And then as the little one runs off to play, I see Jesus noticing the good things he does and giving the child a smile of approval.  For your children’s sake, I invite you to discipline as you think Jesus would” (Kuzma, 2006, p. 416-417).

I say amen to that!

References:

French, C. & Wilson, R. (2012). Spanking Kids Can Cause Long-Term Harm: Canada Study. http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/nm/spanking-kids-can-cause-long-term-harm-canada-study

Freyd, J. J.  (2009). What is a Betrayal Trauma?  What is Betrayal Trauma Theory? http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/defineBT.html

Greven, P. (1992). Spare the child.  New York, NY: Vintage Books.

Heimlich, J.  (2011). Breaking their will.  Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.

Keim, B.  (2011). How Abuse Changes a Child’s Brain. http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2011/12/neurology-of-abuse/

Keith, K. L. (2011). The Cycle of Abuse.  http://childparenting.about.com/cs/familyissues/a/childabusecycle.htm

Kunsman, C.  (2012). What It’s Like to Experience Only the Right Side of the Brain in the Way that Children Do (A Neuroscientist Experiences a Stroke on the Left, Analytical Side of the Brain).  http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-its-like-to-experience-only-right.html

Kuzma, K.  (2006). The first 7 years.  West Frankfort, IL: Three Angels Broadcasting Network.

Levy, A. R.  (2009). Tribal Intelligence.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tribal-intelligence/200909/mackenzie-phillips-and-the-stockholm-syndrome

Miller, A.  (1994). For your own good.  New York, NY: The Noonday Press.

Puckett, M. B., Black, J. K., Wittmer, D. S., Peterson, S. H.  (2009). The Young Child (5th ed.).  Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

Ramsland, K.  (2011). Hearst, Soliah and the S.L.A.  http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/terrorists_spies/terrorists/hearst/1.html

Riak, J.  (2011). Plain Talk About Spanking.  http://www.nospank.net/pt2009.htm

 

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Remnant Fellowship’s Abusive Teachings Exposed

Under Much Grace exposes the history of child abuse of Remnant Fellowship.

Christianity Today and the Spanking Issue

William  Webb commends Christianity Today and the stance they have taken on the Spanking Issue.

Understanding Brainwashing and How Children Are Primed for Victimization

Cindy of Under Much Grace takes informative and very technical looks at abusive behavior, analyzing both the victims and the abusers.

She has a new series about brainwashing.  I want to make special note of part 7  in which she ties the information to the Pearls’ teachings. Here is a short summary which she wrote for me:

I think of it in terms of developmental milestones and such, and most all learning is experiential for a child for the first 36 months and is primarily all on the right side of the brain, entirely self-centered and oriented toward felt sense.

Children under the age of two only make Delta waves on EEG, the same brainwave that an adult makes while they sleep. From two to six, they make only theta waves which is what an adult generates just before falling asleep, basically. The plotting that Pearl talks about is a fast brainwave that doesn’t manifest in a child until they approach age twelve.

I would also like to draw your attention to the posts after part X which are about how the mindset of many families prime children for victimization.

Now, on the the entire series:

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast: Understanding Doctrine Over Person Part I

A Sychophant for a Sociopath Does Damage Control: Understanding Doctrine Over Person Part II

Another Example of Transformed Memory in Response to Psychological Stress and Interpersonal Pressure in a POW Camp: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part III

Lifton on Reaffirming the Myth and How Adults and Children Respond: Understanding Doctrine Over Person Part IV

Steven Martin on the Heresy of Mind Control in Christian Churches: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part V

Steven Martin on the Role of Denial in the Altering of Memory: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part VI

Altered States of Consciousness Resulting from Trauma and Environmental Factors and Brainwave States Associated with Childhood Growth and Development: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part VII

Post Traumatic Stress as a Physical Process and the Inadequacies of Some Types of Biblical Counseling: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part VIII

Additional Factors Contributing to Doctrine Over Person Pressures at Hephzibah House: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part IX of X (Summary and Review)

The Effects of Trauma and Abuse at Hephzibah House: Understanding Doctrine Over Person, Part X of X

She follows up this series with a related series about Understanding the Role of Childhood Emotional Development in Spiritual Abuse.

 

Showing Compassion To The Deceived

This blog has always tried to argue against false teachings without making those using those teachings feel condemned. That is a delicate balance and not always possible to achieve. It is not at all pleasant to find out that the choices one has prayerfully made are considered to be abuse by many people. And upon discovering that one has in fact made a terrible mistake and has fallen into an abusive lifestyle is gut wrenching. Not only does one have to come to grips with the fact that one has been deceived and spiritually abused, but one must face the fact that one has been abusing his or her own children. Often, by the time this discovery is made serious or even irreparable damage has been done to the parent/child relationship. Someone posted to my Facebook wall the following:

I just wanted to share my status update with you. Since learning the dangers of TTUAC a year ago, I have had the hardest year of my life. Right now things are getting a lot worse. I have had a response from another mother who is in the midst of the same pain right now.

TTUAC is not just abusing children. It is also abusing the parents who so desperately seek out the answers. It is my hope that I can reach out to others who have been hurt and abused. Not just the children, but the parents who have loved them and lost them.

Here is what I wrote:

On the day that you were born, I gave my life to you. I vowed I would do all in my power to love you, to protect you, to bring you up right.

In my search for answers, my desperate plea for knowledge of how to give you my very best, I was led astray.

I have said I am sorry. I have tried to make amends. I have made massive changes in my life.

But you will not forgive. You have taken my apologies for the things I have done wrong, and used them as a catalyst to twist and poison everything and everyone.

I did things wrong. Every parent does. I look through the scrapbook albums of what I thought were happy memories, and all you can talk about is your crap childhood.

In all I have done, I have done it for you. You are my child. I love you more than life. I gave you my all and you chewed me up and spat me out.

There is nothing left. I cannot go on. You have taken it all. You have taken your sisters and been spoon feeding them lies. My fragile heart is broken. It cannot take any more. I am empty. There is nothing left.

I am sorry for the things I got wrong as a mother. But I am not sorry for my intentions, nor for the things I got right.

And as for sharing this on Facebook? Well, I hope others will see that things can go so horribly wrong. That those we love more than the world can suck the life from us. That there are parenting books out there – particularly Christian ones – that offer the answers. But they are full of poison that is not truly based on God’s word.

And that those words lead to death. Sometimes to those who had so desperately sought the answers that would avoid this very issue.

One day you will hopefully understand. The love, the journey, the conclusion.

With much prayer healing can take place, although it can take years. With healing comes forgiveness and a renewed relationship. Let us pray for those in this situation.

This same person posted again a few days later, saying,

The dangers in calling a spade a spade….

I used to follow the Pearls methods. These methods are abusive. By strict definition, that makes (made) me an abuser. But I inherently object to this term. Why? Is it just guilt? I don’t think so.

In my search for answers and my need for as much information as possible to make changes, and to reach other parents, I have often felt like I’ve been kicked in the guts by well-meaning people who just want to help kids.

I am glad there are so many groups out there warning of the dangers of these and other ‘christian’ child training books. The Internet wasn’t around when we first started. Maybe if it was our whole family would have been spared a whole lot of pain.

But back to my problem with being called an abuser. In the accepted use of the word abuser, the following ideas come to mind:

Abusers are too lazy to come up with other forms of discipline.
We searched and prayed, asked and attended courses on how to be good Christian parents. In fact, following TTUAC takes a LOT of diligence. Truth to tell, it was my laziness that probably spared my girls a lot more pain than they had. (and I spent years with the guilt of thinking the problems we had were because I wasn’t 100% diligent in applying the rod)

Abusers don’t really care about their kids in a sacrificial way.
I would have given anything for my kids. I did not believe in going off to do ‘my own thing’ just to get away from them, or spending time at the pub drowning my sorrows or living it up.

Abusers have no remorse.
I felt remorse many times over the years. But I learned to bury those ‘sinful’ feelings that came with hating the rod!

Abusers care more about their own wants and needs than their children’s.
I threw all I had into trying to create happy memories for my girls. Big birthday parties, making the backyard into a village, taking them to clubs 180km away for the pleasure and learning experience, making clothes and costumes, homeschooling etc. Things they believe were just to create a facade of a happy family. Things that I thought were part of a happy family.

Abusers take no responsibility for their actions.
Right now this is a biggie for me. My apologies are falling on deaf ears. I have lost one member of my extended family, and things are pretty tense with others. I hate that now, when I have been learning the mistakes I have made, when I have stood up in public and declared I was wrong, that this is when things are all crashing around me.

Parents who have followed (are following) these methods are not abusers by this definition. Sure, we were the ones that made bad decisions to follow these people in the first place. But we made these decisions out of genuine love. Not to the same extent – our children had NO say in the matter – but we are victims too.

And unless we start to speak about this side, we may find that parents are simply not emotionally able to face themselves as abusers, but may be ready to see how falling victim to a cult mentality (that is so accepted in our churches that it doesn’t raise an eyebrow) has twisted the truth of Gods word and destroyed their families.

Hoping and praying that more parents will be able to break free of this bondage. Thank you for standing up and taking on the fight.

Abuse is such a loaded word. She is right, when we hear that word, we do tend to think as is written above. It is good for us to take this into consideration and try to not kick people while they are down. This is why I am careful not to attack people, only the teachings. We must show compassion and grace to those who are in error in the spirit of Galatians 6:1

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

Elizabeth Esther on Anderson

Elizabeth Esther will be appearing on Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show (on FOX) with Michael Pearl this Friday (Dec 2, 2011) and she writes about it here, My appearance on Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show airs this Friday, Dec. 2nd #NoMoreDeadKids.  She includes a link to find out where and when you can watch it in your area. And here is a promo for the show.

Here is another recent post where she explains why many people follow Pearls’ teachings: Seductive promise of perfectly happy, obedient children feeds abuse.

Hana and The Pearls in The Seattle Times

Jeff Hodson of the Seattle Times provides extensive coverage of the death of Hana Alemu “Williams” as well as the Pearls’ teachings in Did Hana’s parents ‘train’ her to death?  I am grateful for the link to this site.  Letters to the editor regarding that article are here.

Also, there is new story about Koko aka Lydia Schatz in All Voices.

Michael Pearl and Anderson Cooper

Michael will appear with Anderson Cooper on Friday Dec 2, 2011.  I assume that this will be the long awaited episode of which Elizabeth Esther spoke.

Meanwhile, Alexandra Ossola has made a petition asking the American Family Association to denounce the book To Train Up a Child as it advocates legitimized abuse.

The Pearls Remain In The News

Lisa Belkin of The Huffington Post asks, Can Adoption Lead to Child Abuse?

Elizabeth Esther explains why we should hold the Pearls accountable for their teachings in Are the Pearls to blame for child spanking deaths?

Clay Duda of the Juvenile Justice Information Exchange takes a look at the history of corporeal punishment in Spanking at Home and in the Classroom, What’s Right and Wrong?

The story has gone international as this post in the Belfast Telegraph demonstrates.

In fact, the story is so big that even Psychology Today is writing about it.

Oh, and by the way, the NY Times Article and its spawns showed us the happy congregation and their happy children.  Read Dulce De Leche’s explanation of why they look so happy.

 

When Does Spanking Become Abuse?

Spanking is very much in the news today, as is the question of when spanking becomes abuse.

Bene Diction Blogs On considers that question as he discusses the Viral Video of Hillary Adams and Its Unexpected Fallout.
After you read that post, check out the next one where he reminds us of the book, Parenting in the Name of God: No Greater Joy Ministries and the Bible

Blogger Morgan Guyton considers the same question in Spankings and Judge William Adams

Dulce de Leche responds with the question, Discipline vs Abuse–Why the Limbo Contest?
She explains herself further in Confessions of a Spanking Abolitionist.

And along the same lines, Jen of The Path Less Taken explains The Black and White of Spanking.

Testimony: Why Pearl’s Methods Are Dangerous

An anonymous writer explains how she used to follow Pearls teachings to the letter and exactly how and why they are dangerous in  Corpses Don’t Rebel: A former follower of Michael Pearl’s “To Train Up A Child” reacts to the death of Hana Williams.

Deb of The Wartburg Watch posts about exposing Pearl’s teachings as well as the Judge who was recently exposed for his child abuse 7 years ago in “Judge” Not Lest Ye Be Judged.

Note: I do not have much to say about the Hillary Adams case, as abuse is beyond the scope of this blog unless it is being justified as Biblical, (in other words, unless God is dragged into it.)  So far I have yet to see that in this case.

CTBHH – Dangerous Advice with Heresy

ChucklesTravels reviews Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl which he deems Dangerous Advice mixed with a lot of Heresy.

The Effects Of Spanking Part 4 *Sensitive*

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

In the previous piece we looked at how spanking/abuse negatively effects the development of empathy in children.  We also saw that any type of physical punishment can cause aggressive tendencies in children and adults.  Physical punishment also leads to anger in children and adults due to being hurt intentionally by the very people that are supposed to love and protect them.  In this piece, we will see that fear is the main effect of hitting children.  We will see that by teaching children that God wants them to be spanked, they often develop a fear of God which either strains their relationships with God or causes them to reject Him altogether.  Finally, we will see that spanking “in love” is indeed harmful despite what many pro-spankers claim.

Fear-“That child needs the fear of the Lord put in him!”

We have all heard that line from pro-spankers a number of times.   As I pointed out Part 5 in my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” putting the fear of God into a child is one of the primary reasons people spank children.  They use fear and respect as interchangeable concepts when they have no similarities in their meanings.  (See Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking for more info).  Fear is indeed the primary effect experienced by all children who are physically punished whether mildly or severely.  Pain is why physical punishment is effective, though only temporally, as most humans are afraid of pain and will usually do everything in their power to avoid it.  It usually takes only 1 or 2 times of a young child being hit for him/her to become afraid of getting spanked.  Most pro-spankers, especially Christians, view this fear as a good thing, and even a must, in order to teach children to obey them and ultimately God.  Yet, 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”  And 1 John 4:18 says that there is no fear in love.  Fear comes from satan.  “Courage comes from God, while fear is what Satan tries to give us” (Meyer, 2011, p. 272).  Throughout the Bible God tells His people not to be afraid of Him.  (Again, see Part 5 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for more info on fear and God).

As I said, it only takes a couple of times of being hit by their parents or caregivers in order for them to become fearful.  Greven (1992) states, “Once a child is struck, the memory remains encoded in the brain and body for life.  Even those who were struck only once or twice can often remember the pain and shock years afterward.  For those children who are punished more frequently, however, the anticipation of pain itself becomes part of the punishment, and the anxiety and even dread generated by experiential knowledge of the burning sting of a hand, or a belt, or a rod, or any other implement, cannot easily be quelled” (p. 122).  Children will begin to cry, have an elevated heart rate, and shallow breathing, all symptoms of fear, before their parents even begin to spank them.  MC, who we met in Part 3 of this series, relayed to me on September 29, 2011 via electronic message how he felt before he’d be spanked by his father.  MC states, “The stomach sinking dread of impending punishment was used as a motivator.”  Olivia, from Part 3 of this series, also felt a similar fear before she was spanked.  On August 27, 2011, Olivia conveyed to me in an electronic message the following:

“Sometimes I would be either sent to my room .. or taken there [I can remember one time when it was in their room] more like dragged there.  There was NO way this quiet child was going to allow herself to be hit … even knowing it would make it worse.  I had to ‘fight back’ and defend myself.  Even terrified .. of the outcome I would NOT just ‘give in.’”

Sadly, tears of fear turn into tears of pain as most Christian advocates of spanking advise parents not to let a child’s crying and/or pleading dissuade them from implementing the physical punishment.  As Greven (1992) states, “Children cry when they are hurt and when they are frightened, and corporal punishments entail both pain and fear.  Tears of anticipation, which are ineffectual efforts to ward off or delay the pains to come, are usually followed by tears of suffering, as Christenson, Dobson, Fugate, Lessin, and others have noted… The big and powerful always find ways of intimidating and dominating the small and powerless, and pain is the most compelling method of all for forcing children to submit their wills and selves to the wills and commands of adults.  The pain generates fear, as so many corporal-punishment advocates readily acknowledge, and the fear never disappears entirely” (p. 123).  It is clear that being hit by someone the child loves and is reliant on is quite scary for the child.  This is especially true because most children begin being hit at the age of 1-year-old, or in some cases, even before he/she is a year old.  Infants and toddlers are just learning cause and effect, so they have no understanding as to why they’re being hit or what may cause them to be hit again.  Can we imagine exploring a new world, and being purposely hurt every time we touched the “wrong” thing or went the “wrong” direction not knowing why it is wrong or what else is “wrong?”  What an absolutely terrifying experience that would be for us.  I wouldn’t want to do much exploring after a while for fear of making a mistake.  And yet, all too often, this is the new world that a great deal of infants and toddlers come into.  Here is one such example.  Phil E. Quinn’s 1-year-old daughter kept touching a breakable object on his parent’s coffee table.  He told her “No” several times, but every time he’d go back to talking to his parents, she’d reach for it again.  Until finally:

“My mother counseled sweetly, ‘You’d better teach her who’s boss right now, or you’ll be in big trouble later!’  It was the same voice so often used to rationalize the beatings she had inflicted upon me.  As if on cue, I reached out and smashed the child’s tiny hand flat on the surface of the table.  In that instant I saw the confusion in her eyes turn to hurt and then to pain as they filled with tears.  I also saw my parents relax.  It was obvious that I had won their approval.  But at the expense of my infant daughter.  My parents smiled.  I felt sick.  I had become like them.  Many times since that day I have asked myself why I did not just move the objects out of her reach” (Quinn, 1988, p. 76).

Thankfully, Quinn knew what he did to his daughter was wrong, and therefore, worked to stop it.  But for many pro-spankers, they focus more on the fact that the hitting worked which enables them to squelch any empathy they may have for their child’s pain, thus, enabling them to continue hitting their child whenever he/she doesn’t or, more likely, is unable to comply with the parent’s command.  This creates an environment of fear for the child even if he/she doesn’t show it in obvious ways.  Research shows that infants and toddlers who are physically punished do not explore their environments as much as their peers who are not physically punished.  “Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment. In follow-up studies of these children seven months later, the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment. Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt” (Sears, 2011, http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child).   Quinn (1988) puts it quite well when he states that “The fear of punishment or retaliation becomes the inhibiting force in these situations” (p. 76).  As we can see, fear inhibits learning in children and adults because fear narrows brain receptors.  If we don’t feel safe, we have trouble concentrating and/or taking healthy risks for fear we will be punished if we make a mistake that we will be punished.  “Abundant research has shown that negative emotions, such as anxiety, fear, irritation, shame, and guilt hinder learning, because they temporarily narrow the scope of attention, cognition, and action ( Pekrun & Perry, 2002)” (Boekaerts, 2002, http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0959475202000105).  However, many pro-spankers seem to ignore and/or be in denial about how all forms of hitting children are harmful due to the fear it instills in children.

Research has shown that physical punishment can lower children’s IQ scores because instead of learning critical thinking skills, they learn not to question authority—even when doing so would help them come up with a correct solution to the problem.  “Over decades it has come to be agreed upon by psychologists and learning theorists that punishment is generally an ineffectual and problematic learning tool” (Grille, 2005, p. 182).  In fact, this can lead children and adults to a form of learned helplessness.  Children grow up learning that they are punished every time they don’t succeed in meeting their parents’ high expectations for them, so they quit trying.  This can lead to struggling in their occupational pursuits.  “It is not too far fetched to believe that when a child is hit by someone he or she loves and depends on, it can be traumatizing.  A severely traumatic experience can have wide-ranging effects that might spawn characteristics that could impair occupational success.  Besides that, children cannot escape the parents who punish them.  So, even if no single instance is traumatizing, they may be similar to the laboratory animals in Seligman’s experiments on ‘learned helplessness’ who became passive and withdrawn as a way of adapting to punishment they could not escape (Seligman and Garbor, 1982)” (Strauss, 2006, p. 138).  On the other side of this spectrum are children who are quite successful throughout their schooling and careers because they are perfectionists.  They are also afraid to fail due to fear of punishment, so they become overachievers stressing themselves out beyond what is necessary in order to always succeed and always please others.  This can cause them to hide their sins and quirks deep within their hearts in order to prevent anyone from knowing what is truly going on inside them.  Here is a perfect example of a child who was spanked consistently in the “right, loving” way, and how she quickly learned to hide her sins and became a perfectionist:

 “The little girl’s parents were careful not to spank in anger. They followed a procedure of talking to the little girl before and after each spanking. The little girl always seemed so repentant before the spanking. After the spanking, she appeared to be relieved of a heavy burden of guilt that she had been carrying.

The little girl grew up to be an excellent teenager. She was easy to get along with and quick to please. She was upheld in her church as a model of good behavior for younger girls.

Though on the outside this little girl was a model daughter, on the inside things were different. You see, spankings taught this girl a very important lesson: as long as you conceal all sin and human weakness, including negative emotions, you will be acceptable and valued, and you will escape punishment….

As a teen, this girl hated to be called “sweet” or a “role-model.” She knew that in her heart she was imperfect, weak, sinful. She was terrified that those who put her on a pedestal would one day be disappointed in her when they found out she wasn’t her they thought she was. She hated herself. She often wanted to rebel to escape from the pressure….

You see, spankings taught this little girl to hide her true self, to exhibit perfection. They taught her that to be acceptable, she must never be negative, never be disobedient, never question authority. She knew that she must never tell her parents how spankings made her feel. She knew that after a spanking, she should act repentant and remorseful, but she also knew that she shouldn’t cry for too long or sound angry when she cried after a spanking, or that would be reason for another round” (Robinson, 2011, http://richlyforgiven.blogspot.com/2011/07/lock-em-up-throw-away-key.html).

Like this girl, fear due to physical punishment teaches children to try to do whatever it takes to avoid being hit by their parents.  Not only are these children desperate to avoid the physical pain of physical punishment, but also the emotional pain and fear that goes along with being hit by loved ones.  Sometimes this means only behaving around parents and other adults instead of doing what is right whether or not an adult is around.  “For some children, the lessons learned through spanking include the idea that they only need to be good if Mommy or Daddy is watching or will know about it” (Strauss, 2006, p. 151).  I did this myself as a child, and have witnessed a great deal of children do this throughout my work with young children.  They always look so guilty and a little afraid when they find out that I saw what they did.  Because I use positive guidance techniques with them, we have always worked it out in a positive manner.  (I will be discussing positive, gentle discipline in a future series).  Phil E. Quinn, from whom we have been hearing throughout this series, learned early on in his childhood to try to do whatever it took to avoid being beaten by his parents.  Quinn (1988) explains that “I had long ago learned to do or say whatever my parents demanded of me.  It was the only chance I had.  In my dangerous world there were no such things as right or wrong, good or bad, truth or deceit.  Reality was what my parents told me was real.  Truth and good and right were what they wanted at the moment.  Believing anything else was a threat to my survival” (p. 83).  While I understand, and even Quinn admits, that what he suffered as a child was a severe case of abuse, many people who were spanked a bit more mildly than what Quinn experienced admit to still having similar feelings as Quinn.  The fear, anger, and pain are the same for every child who is intentionally hurt by their parents and other adults—that is unless the children have repressed and denied their true feelings (see Part 2).  Sometimes parents set up children so that they will be physically punished no matter how they try to respond correctly to their parents.  Quinn experienced this when his mother asked him what his name was.  Quinn (1988) states:

 “Confused and frightened, I did not know what to answer.  If I agreed with her that my name was Joe, then I would be lying.  And how many times had I been told that lying would not be tolerated?  Lying was a punishable offense.  And yet, if I did not agree with her, I took the risk of appearing defiant and contradicting her.  That also was an offense sure to bring punishment.   What was I to do?  I was desperate as the seconds ticked off… With a deep sigh of despair, I surrendered my will to the inevitable.  Unable to change what was happening, I withdrew deeply into that private inner world I had created for myself… My adoptive parents’ choice of teaching methods may be attributed to ignorance of the possible short- and long-term effects.  In their well-intentioned attempt to fortify my character, their method actually weakened whatever moral strength I might have had and resulted in serious emotional damage that in the long run had an effect opposite to the one they had intended.  It did not build character—it destroyed it” (pps. 84-85, 88-89).

In Part 3 of this series I introduced the concept of Godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow.  I would like to take a deeper look at these two concepts here as fear and guilt often lead people of all ages to have worldly sorrow instead Godly sorrow.  Let’s first take a look at what the Bible has to say about Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow.  2 Corinthians 7:8-11 states,

“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”

What the apostle Paul is saying here is that Godly sorrow makes us think beyond ourselves to how our actions have hurt or affected other people and our relationship with God.  We look past whatever consequences our actions caused us and want to do everything in our power to repent and seek forgiveness from God and the person we have hurt.  This is why Paul says that Godly sorrow brings life as we seek to be forgiven.  On the other hand, worldly sorrow brings death according to what Paul says in this verse.  Due to fear of punishment as well as guilt, people of all ages will focus on the consequences that are happening to them because of their actions rather than how they’ve hurt God and the other person.  This is worldly sorrow.  Being afraid of punishment and rejection causes worldly sorrow.  Also, feeling so guilty and bad about oneself that one feels that he/she deserves whatever punishment he/she has coming to him/her leads to worldly sorrow.  There is a difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit that usually makes us want to seek forgiveness and repent and guilt which makes us feel worthless and fearful, hence, making us not want to seek forgiveness or repent.  The Holy Spirit never threatens us or puts us down when He convicts us.  He gently but firmly makes us aware of our sins in a way that we focus outwardly instead of inwardly.  Physical punishment does not lead children to Godly sorrow despite what all of the Christian advocates of spanking may say.  As the stories and research above show, physical punishment causes children to become fearful and to hide their sins from their parents and ultimately from God.  Of course, God sees everything and knows our hearts (Psalm 44:21; Psalm 139:23), but we can still act as though God does not see what is really going on.  This causes children not to come to God or their parents for help when they make mistakes.

In a groundbreaking book entitled This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You: In Words and Pictures, Children Share How Spanking Hurts and What to Do Instead by Nadine A. Block and Madeleine Y. Gomez, children wrote and drew about how being hit really makes the feel.  To illustrate how children become fearful when they are hit, here are two stories written by a 13-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy regarding the fear and other emotions spanking has caused.  The 12-year-old even recognizes that spanking is indeed abuse.  Here’s what they have to say about spanking:

 “Girl, Age 13, Illinois

‘Say No to Spanking.  Parents shouldn’t spank their children because it affects your child’s feeling.  When a child gets a spanking, they only experience the anger their parent has towards them.  It makes kids afraid to talk to their parents about their problem because they’re afraid of the consequence.  Also, spanking can leave marks and bruises on the bodies of innocent children.  Spanking is one of the harshest punishments a parent can do to their child.  I think parents should think of different ways to deal with family problems other than spanking their kids.  Children that are hit will become adults that will hit.  We need to try to end this violence so every child can feel safe in his or her home.  Let’s break the silence!’” (Block & Gomez, 2011, p. 9).

Boy, Age 14, New Hampshire

‘I am 12 and I am homeschooled.  I am going to tell you a child’s perspective of corporal punishment.  When I talk about corporal punishment, I’m talking about child abuse because that’s exactly what it is.  If a husband his a wife or a wife hits a husband, it’s illegal, but if a mother or a father hits a child, it’s legal.  Why is there a difference when two spouses it each other than when a parent is violent towards a child?  What is the difference?

Some adults like to use the word ‘spanking’ so the child gets the impression that what the adult is doing is right.  But if the adult uses the word ‘hit,’ the child knows something is wrong.  I believe that we need to start calling ‘spanking’ what it really is.  Spanking is HITTING!

Now I am going to tell you a child’s perspective…I was in several foster families.  When I was in my biological family I got hit all the time.  I also saw my brothers get hit all the time and I hated it.  Sometimes at night my stepfather would come in to ‘spank’ us and we’d all dart under the bed.  The only emotion I felt was fear…sheer and utter fear!  And sometimes when one of my brothers would do something ‘wrong’ my birth mother and stepfather would tell me to hit him.  I even got hit in one of my foster homes, a place that was supposed to be protecting me from abuse!

When a child is getting hit, he feels like he is hated and no one loves him.  He really feels like no one loves him.  Over time, children start putting up bricks around their heart.  They start shutting everyone out and they learn to dissociate.  When they get older they may become a cold and callous person who can’t love.  Hitting really does not help their behavior.  When people do tell them wrong from right, they ignore it all.  Prisoners may have emotional problems from being hit.  Not everyone turns out like that because they may have one person that really loves them.

When children get hit, the first feeling is fear.  ‘I’m going to get pain.’  It is fear because it means violence.  A kid’s definition of it is pain.  They get fear that clutches their heart like an iron grip.  And that iron grip stays and it hardens over their heart and just shuts them down.  They feel angry, rage.  They feel like they just want to get revenge and inflict pain on the one that inflicted pain on them.  They feel sadness.  The one who gave them the pain is the one who is supposed to protect them from pain.  They feel distrust, they can’t trust anyone.  Their natural feeling when they are with someone who cares is trust, but when that very person that is supposed to protect them from pain, hurt, and sadness hits them, the trust just disappears.  They destroy all that trust.  Unless someone shows they care who doesn’t hurt them, who uses strong but caring words, unless children have that type of person, they are gong to stay that way.

So if you stop hurting children, then they won’t close their heart.  They will be more accepting and trusting and they will give that love to another person.  They will be more loving so the next generation and then the next and the next will do the same thing.  Then there will be peace.  If you start with the children a whole chain link starts of love, care, give and take.  They won’t have all that anger stocked up in them and no one will be angry enough to start wars.

So, you see, to save the world, you need to save the children!’” (Block & Gomez, 2011, pps. 13-15).

As we can see, fear is a common thread in these children’s stories.  They both mentioned hiding and not talking to their parents due to fear.  Is this what we really want for our children?  Does God want us to teach them worldly sorrow by hitting them in His Name?  As I mentioned previously in this piece, most children who are physically punished will do everything in their power to avoid being hit.  This is worldly sorrow in action.  But, as previously shown in this piece, there are times when children will try to admit to their sins and wind up getting punished for practicing Godly sorrow.  Quinn calls this a double bind because even though the child did do wrong, the child admits to it and tries to tell the truth only to be hit anyway.  This is quite confusing for a child who gets spanked for telling the truth.  “Few life experiences are as potentially damaging to the mental and emotional health of a developing child as the ‘double bind,’ a dilemma in which a child is forced to make a choice but will be punished regardless of the choice made.  It is a situation in which a child is powerless to avoid punishment” (Quinn, 1988, p. 92).  Many pro-spankers and non-spankers teach children not to lie.  However, many pro-spankers will tell a child that if they do a certain behavior again then they’ll get a spanking.  Of course, young children have poor impulse control or may even forget, and wind up making the same mistake again.  Then the parent sees signs of this mistake and asks the child about it.  The child can either lie, which is wrong and punishable, or tell the truth.  But instead of being thanked for telling the truth and being gently corrected, the child gets hit anyway.  Here is an example of this.  “Having told Katie that if she ever got into the makeup again she would be spanked, the mother then told her that if she did not tell the truth she would be spanked.  The child was going to be spanked whether she told the truth or not!  Katie was trapped.  There was no way to avoid punishment.  It was a no-win situation, a double bind” (Quinn, 1988, p. 96).  What did Katie learn from this experience?  That one gets hit for telling the truth.  This double bind causes confusion, feelings of helplessness, fear, and distorted thinking in the young, developing minds of children.  I can guarantee that this will not lead children to Godly sorrow!  (I will be discussing a much more appropriate and positive way of handling this type of situation in my next series about discipline).  As Quinn (1988) states, “Spanking children when they tell the truth is not the way to teach them to be honest” (p. 96).

Some pro-spankers such as the Pearls take this double bind to extremes by advising parents to spank the child for not obeying immediately.  Given that young children take longer to process information, it is totally unreasonable to expect them to obey us immediately.  Plus, it is healthy and developmentally appropriate for young children to explore and test their limits.  Therefore, hitting a child for getting out of bed and hearing the parent coming and getting back in bed before or as the parent reaches the room is downright confusing to the child.  It teaches children to always have some fear because they never know what may cause their parents to hit them—especially when the children are actually trying to do the right thing.  It’s not fun living with a certain amount of fear and anxiety throughout one’s childhood.

As I pointed out in Part 2 of this series and in Part 4 of my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” pro-spankers will either spank children for crying and/or crying too long after a spanking.  Many of us have heard, or even been told as children—I was—“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”  What pro-spankers either forget or are in denial about is that when we, as children, and even as adults sometimes, are so hurt and upset, we really can’t stop crying.  It is truly awful to be crying and have that awful fear that if we don’t stop crying, we will be hurt even more.  I speak from personal experience.   I am not the only one who has dealt with this threat and fear.   Darlene has also experienced this threat as well as the typical fear that goes along with being hit as a child.  Here is what she writes in her blog, “Emerging From Broken”:

“I became afraid to cry. I remember trying to stop… trying to control my breathing and slow it down and trying to stifle that hiccup sound that comes from heavy sobbing.  I was so afraid of the consequences of NOT being able to stop the tears. I don’t even remember if I ever got a second beating for not stopping; all I remember is being told to stop and trying to comply and that the fear of the consequences made it very hard to get any kind of a grip on the situation.

I became so afraid to cry that even today it is very rare that I do cry. But it isn’t just being told to stop crying that caused all the problems around that statement.  There is more to the communication “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.” That statement means that the speaker, the adult looming over me, told me that I had “nothing” to cry about.

What happens to a child who is not allowed to express emotional hurt or pain? What happens when the communication (covert OR overt) is that you should NOT express your emotions?

I began to invalidate my own physical and emotional pain.

There is fear that comes with this dynamic too.  I am crying. I’m told that I have no reason to cry and then told that if I don’t STOP crying, I will GET something to cry about.  Since I am already in pain, usually in both emotional and physical pain, and I am really afraid of what they might do that would give me a ‘real and valid’ reason to cry” (Darlene, 2011, http://emergingfrombroken.com/stop-that-crying-or-i-will-give-you-something-to-cry-about/).

Punishing a child for their negative feeling or their personalities is quite harmful.  Basically, parents who do this are teaching their children not to be or feel who they really are and how they truly feel.  Instead, parents send the message to their children that they are only loveable and accepted by their parents when they are who their parents want them to be.  For example, parents, for being “wimps” or for being shy, will sometimes punish children.  “This is a dramatic example of another kind of double bind—threatening to punish a child for losing.  Or for not being good enough.  Or for not being what we want.  Instead of physical punishment, others of us threaten to withhold love or approval or acceptance” (Quinn, 1988, p. 94).  I know of a parent who made her preschooler exercise every time the child acted shy around other adults.  It is extremely sad that this parent just could not accept her child for who the child was, and used a mild yet damaging form of punishment to force the child to change who he really was.  As we are about to see, this fear and anxiety gets even worse as Christians bring God into the equation.  Some Christian parents who punish their children for being shy or anything other than who their parents want them to be will make their children afraid that God will also disapprove of them.  Here is an example of a child growing up with this exact fear.  “Rose spent much of elementary school hiding in the bathroom and suffering from stomachaches.  A shy child, she was terrified at the prospect of carrying out her Pentecostal Christian parents’ stern wishes that she ‘save the souls’ of her classmates and teachers.  Her failure to convince others to ‘give their lives over to Jesus’ led Rose to develop fears that God would be angry at her and that demons would possess her” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 26).  Teaching children that God will reject them for not living up to His standards is not supported by God’s Word.  Psalm 66:20 says, “Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”  And Romans 5:8 states, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  And throughout the Bible, we see many verses talking about God’s unfailing love for us!

We will return to discussing how teaching children that God wants them spanked can, and often does, lead children to grow up and either reject God or struggle with their relationships with Him due to being afraid of Him.  For now, I want us to see that having overly high expectations for children and hitting them can cause children to have anxiety issues.  Due to a great deal of Christian advocates of spanking teaching parents that many of the typical, developmentally appropriate behaviors that young children display—especially behaviors that come across as defiant—are sinful and require punishment, many Christian parents either are not aware of their child’s needs or choose to ignore these needs in order to purge their child from their sins.  Robin Grille (2005), author of Parenting for a Peaceful World, states, “The researchers found that members of literalist denominations were significantly more inclined to hit their children.  What’s more, literalist parents had more inappropriate expectations from their children, and showed less empathy toward their needs” (p. 199).  And yet, as we’ve seen previously in this piece, children will testify to the physical pain, fear, and emotional pain that spanking causes them when allowed to do so.  “In 1998 in the United Kingdom, the National Children’s Bureau asked a large group of five to seven year old children how they felt when they got smacked.  All of them spoke of wounded feelings, hurt, embarrassment, and shock.  The children’s responses, reproduced in their own words, are a moving testimony to the violation they experience at the receiving end of parental ‘discipline.’  It would take a very thick skin for anyone to read these children’s messages, and continue to deny that smacking or spanking constitute violence” (Grille, 2005, p. 183).  I am quite certain that fear also ran through all of the children’s responses.  As I said, this fear from being physically punished/abused by their parents often leads children to develop anxiety disorders as they grow up.  Joan shared with me on October 11, 2011 via an electronic message how being spanked, physically abused, and verbally abused caused her to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks that she continues to deal with even though she is well into adulthood.  Joan writes:

 “I am a recipient to spanking and verbal and physical abuse. My father was an alcoholic, he was a very miserable and unhappy person and ran a very tight ship so to speak. He verbally and physically abused my mother and for some reason out of all the children, he chose me to abuse. Yes, I left home and my school to escape being at the hands of my father. Oh yes, I went to another school and graduated. I tried not to comment on certain posts especially of yours, because of your topic, because even years later, I still have those memories, and I still break down and cry for what he had done to me. I am crying as I write this, because I am begging people to think about the consequences of their actions. I started to experience different things about 12 years after I left home, but at the time I didn’t know what I was dealing with. Whenever he wanted to release any anger, or things didn’t go his way, I seemed to be his punching bag and more. To this day, I remember my father spanking me for no reason, or kicking me down the stairs. He would sit in the basement every night drinking a case of warm beer or whatever he had available. My bedroom was directly above the basement where he would sit and drink, I could hear everything through a baseboard heating vent. I knew when he was getting drunk, and would lie in bed in fear, because I knew he was coming up soon and I would be his target. Oh yes, I would lock the door, but it was easily opened with a metal fingernail file. I was finally diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks due to the trauma I went through as a child. I use to see the commercials on television for anxiety and panic attacks, and wonder why people couldn’t control them. You can’t even imagine how frightening anxiety or panic is. Is there anybody here that knows the many symptoms of anxiety or panic are ? Here are just a few… Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions), shortness of breath, pounding heart, terror, a loss of control, Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles, Chest pain, chest tightness; which at times you think you may be having a heart attack, Choking, Difficulty speaking, talking, Dizziness, feeling lightheaded, Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax, Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren’t, Feel like you are going to pass out or faint, Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out, Heart palpitations, racing heart, Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy, Nausea, Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness, Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, No energy, feeling lethargic, tired, Numbness tingling, OMG it is horrible, you just can’t imagine what my world is like at times.”

Research backs up what Joan and many others—including myself—experience due being spanked and abused as children.  And it also happens to those who are “lovingly” spanked as we shall soon see.  Anxiety is quite common in people who have experienced physical punishment and abuse as children.  “Corporal punishment has been linked to a host of psychological problems.  A history of harsh punishment has been found to underlie ‘conduct disorder’, and anxiety disorders in children.  Adults who were physically punished as adolescents are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms, suicidal thoughts and alcohol abuse” (Grille, 2005, p. 184).  Boys and men are more likely to conceal the fact that they’re struggling with anxiety issues because they are afraid of looking weak, but both males and females are more likely to experience anxiety issues from being physically punished as children.  That fear that begins at a very young age when the child is first hit often manifests itself into Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  That fear children experience the moments leading up to a spanking is a panic attack for children.  Their brains release stress hormones, which cause children’s heart rates to rise, breathing to become shallow, their muscles tense, and they are in a fight or flight mode.  This is why children often cry before the parent spanks them; they’re already are in pain and distress!  The spanking just elevates all these symptoms to greater intensity.  But, because the body cannot sustain this anxious state for very long, once the pain of the spanking subsides, relief takes over the child.  That is why many parents can say that their child is perfectly happy after the spanking.  But what parents can’t see are the lingering symptoms after the body has gone through all of this.  Now imagine what life must be like for children who face multiple spankings throughout a day.  It does take a huge toll on a child’s body, mind, and spirit.  This can turn into always having some anxiety as the child is always afraid of doing something wrong.  For young children, it can either cause them to become somewhat withdrawn or cause them to act out more as they try to cope with their feelings with a limited vocabulary.  This is serious stuff as young minds and bodies are trying to develop.  Fear leads to anxiety.  There are no two ways about it.  Like Joan, MC also experienced anxiety as he became an adult, and now has Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  MC, in an electronic message dated September 29, 2011, stated,

 “I also discovered that my past belief, that I was spanked and turned out fine, was not true. I had been suppressing the harm that spanking had done to me because I did not want to face the truth that my father and the church, two strong influences in my youth (for better or worse), were responsible for hurting me. Spanking likely had a strong influence on my young adult, and adult struggles, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and perfectionism. I could never fail. I could never accept myself for failing. I felt my worth was dependent on being the good son who got A’s and B’s, who never got into any trouble. Failure was connected with punishment in my childhood experiences.”

As I said in my own personal story in Part 1 of this series, I have my own anxiety issues from the physical abuse that I suffered under my dad.  Is it any wonder when one is forced to live with a certain amount of fear throughout one’s entire childhood?  As I have shown in Parts 2 and 3 of this series, for some, the fear and pain of being hit by their parents causes them to repress and deny their true feelings, which often leads to a hardened heart regarding the harm spanking does to children.  But for others, it can cause them to become timid and hyper-sensitive towards other’s pain.  “A ‘tough skin’ grows over the wound, which obscures or masks the depth of the pain that throbs beneath.  The feelings of pain and betrayal are sealed off, minimised, trivialised, or denied.  Deafness to one’s own pain entails indifference to the pain of others.  Those whose anger boils over become bullies, those who are paralysed with fear, the victims.  While some children of violent parents become de-sensitised, others become hypersensitive.  They grow up to be timid, unsure of themselves, they are easily intimidated, downtrodden and manipulated” (Grille, 2005, p. 186).  This means that for some children and adults, the fear and anxiety from being intentionally hurt by their parents is too much for them to take.  It was for me as a young adult, especially after my dad died.  The panic attacks were intense and paralyzing.  The same is obviously true for Joan and MC as they finally were free from the control of their parents.  I know of a woman, who I’ll call Ginger, that was spanked the “loving, correct, godly” way and still dealt with much fear and anxiety as she became a young adult.  And yet, despite all the research showing that spanking—no matter how mildly, “lovingly,” or intensely it is done—causes anxiety and other harmful effects in children and adults, many pro-spankers still eagerly claim that fear in children is a good thing.  But it isn’t whatsoever!  This is especially true for young children as they’re hit the most due to their need to explore, lack of vocabulary, and lack of impulse control as their brains are just developing.  It also hurts the parent-child bond as I’ve pointed out throughout all of my series.  “Spanking creates fear in the child: The message a toddler gets from a slap or spanking is that a parent or other loved and trusted adult is prepared to induce pain and even do physical harm to force unquestioning obedience. That’s terrifying to a little kid…However well-intentioned, a slap registers as the shattering of the whole deal between parent and child. Young children are left awash in feelings of fear, shame, rage, hostility, self-destructiveness and betrayal that they can’t yet resolve or manage” (Robinson, 2002, http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin4.htm).

As we can clearly see, the only good, if one can even call it good, that this fear due to being physically punished does for children is forces them to comply quickly.  Psychologist Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff of the National Center for Children in Poverty at Columbia University did a meta-analysis of 88 studies of the effects of corporal punishment.  Gershoff (2002) states, “For one, corporal punishment on its own does not teach children right from wrong. Secondly, although it makes children afraid to disobey when parents are present, when parents are not present to administer the punishment those same children will misbehave” (http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2002/06/spanking.aspx).  Many parents want their children to love and respect them, but it is clear that forcing children to do this through pain and fear does not equal true love and respect.  I believe Olivia sums this up quite nicely in her comment to me on September 25, 2011 via an electronic message.  She says, “If a giant stands over me an adult, beating me and asks me whether I ‘love them’ and will ‘obey them’ I will probably say ‘oh yes’!…. and … what has that giant earned?  REAL love?  REAL obedience?  REAL RESPECT ??  No … in every single case.”  This goes for God as well.

As I mentioned previously in this piece, the fear becomes even worse for children of Christian parents who teach their children from very young ages that God or Jesus wants them to be spanked for their disobedience.  After spanking the child, many Christian parents will have their children pray with them in order to have children seek God’s forgiveness, and then parents may read or cite Scripture to their children.  These parents follow the rules for “loving, godly” spanking as I discussed in Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking.”  After all, this is how all of the major Christian advocates tell parents to spank as “mandated” by the Bible.  Heimlich (2011) states the following regarding this:

 “All the while, though, these advocates are sure that God wants parents to physically punish their kids.  Spanking ‘is God’s idea,’ writes Roy Lessin in Spanking: A Living Discipline.  ‘He is the one who has commanded parents use this type of discipline as an expression of love…Do we love God enough to obey him?  Do we love our children enough to bring correction into their lives when it is needed?’  Even more frightening, Larry Christenson states in The Christian Family that parents’ failure to physically punish children will incur God’s wrath” (p. 113).

What is so sad about this is that these advocates are using fear to convince Christian parents to physically punish their children when in fact there is no biblical support for the idea that parents must spank their children or they will incur God’s wrath.  What the Bible does say, as I’ve pointed out many times throughout all of my series, is that we are to discipline our children.  If we don’t discipline children then they will cause us shame, but if we do discipline them, they will bring us peace (Proverbs 29:17).  Discipline brings peace whereas punishment brings fear and anxiety to the entire family.  Since 2 Timothy 1:7 says that fear is not from God, then it would seem logical that God does not want us to use fear to control and manipulate parents and children.

Sadly, due to the instructions of all the Christian spanking advocates, parents teach their children that this is God’s Will.  Imagine how frightening it is for children to not only be afraid of their parents but also this large entity (in their minds) looming over them, telling their parents to inflict pain upon them every time they make a mistake.  Would this cause children to love God or to be afraid of Him?   MC was taught throughout his childhood that it was God’s Will for him to be spanked.  In an electronic message dated September 29, 2011, MC conveyed to me how being brought up believing that God wanted him to be spanked negatively affected his relationship with God.  He writes:

 “During one of our AWANA messages, a leader summed up this philosophy of love, fear, and punishment by telling us, ‘my father showed me his love with his belt, and if your parents love you then they will show it the same way.’ Sunday school teachers would talk about spanking their own children, and how it was good for them to be spanked. Once, a smart boy raised his hand and asked the teacher why we get spanked when we sin, but our parents never get spanked when they make mistakes, or do something wrong. Our teacher told us that even though our parents did not get physical spankings, God gave them spiritual spankings when they needed it. Pain, fear, and love became an unholy trinity held together with God’s infallible hands.

Another aspect that makes my relationship with God difficult, is the fact that the Bible refers to God as a father. My Dad was the spanker in our household. The combination of fear and pain, at my father’s hands, caused me to have a very distanced relationship with my Dad. This is not unusual, as I am told that most who were negatively affected by corporal punishment have a strained relationship with the parent who administered the spankings. The comparison of God to a father, has some unintentional baggage for me. If my earthly father is a representation of God as a father, then I see a relationship that is built on pain and fear of punishment. Sometimes, when I would pray as a child, I would actually envision God as being a mother instead of a father. To me it was more believable to see God in this role, because my mother was very affectionate, protective, and she did not use the pain of a spanking to discipline me. Thinking of God as a father, and thinking about the fear and pain that my father imposed on me with his belt, hand, or paddle, did not inspire a close relationship with God. If I got to close to God, I was afraid he might hurt me, or punish me. However, the fear of being ultimately punished by God, through torture in Hell, motivated me to try to maintain some sort of fear based relationship with God. Fear is tiring. It wears you out. I feel burned out from fear.

Between the manipulation of pain and punishment, my disillusionment, and my inability to trust the church; I obviously do not have a stellar relationship with God. What relationship I may still have is marred by the pain of the Church’s role in my subjection to corporal punishment, the lies that I was told in God’s name, a sense of betrayal, and disappointment with the church’s resistance to accept the truth about a practice that harmed me. I have tried to separate my negative feelings towards the church from my perceptions of God, but that is extremely difficult.”

MC is not the only one who struggles with their relationship with God due to being taught that spanking is God’s will, Ginger also did for quite a while.  In a face to face conversation with me on September 20, 2011, Ginger told me that her Christian mother, who spanked her regularly until Ginger was 14, taught her that not only did God want her mother to spank her, but that God also spanks using natural consequences.  Basically, Ginger was taught that whenever something bad happened to her that it was God spanking her for a sin she committed.   For a while, Ginger believed that God was punishing her whenever things went wrong in her life.  Thankfully, a biblically sound pastor helped Ginger understand that this was not how God worked at all, and helped Ginger to see God as a loving and merciful God.  How sad it is that children are getting a scary image of God instead of a true representation of Him.  Lisa, who we met in Part 2 of this series, also was taught an incorrect image of God by her fundamentalist Christian parents, and now she isn’t sure whether or not she still believes in God.   In her blog, Broken Daughters, she discusses her images of God she now has due to her upbringing.  Lisa writes:

 “Why does God make us so we need teaching? I thought creation was good, creation was perfect. After all God is perfect. Why did he make us defect beings who need teaching like a pack of naughty kids? There’s only one answer I can give: God is a mean boy.

He likes watching us suffer, he likes us as defect beings, because that’s the only way we can humour him with our sad attempts to get through life. God used to show that a lot more back in the day, when he ran around punishing people for wearing the wrong pair of shoes, screaming and yelling at them because they weren’t worth a second of his precious time. He would come down and ‘spank’ the humans, because remember? Spanking = love.

That’s really all I’m getting from the God I have been taught to believe in.

It reminds me a bit of ants. Remember playing in the garden, watching an ant colony, deciding to kill one and let the other escape? You would catch some and put them some place else to see where they would do, if they’d make their way back. You kill some random ones to see the reaction of the others. I sometimes feel like God is just a mean boy, enjoying the power he has over a bunch of ants. Would the boy be sad if all ants died? Certainly not.

But then there’s Jesus. He’s so different, no wonder that bunch of spanked kids loved him, viewed him as the Messiah. He is loving, caring, not judging, not punishing. Sometimes I feel like God and Jesus are from two separate religions.

Jesus is really the only reason why I haven’t abandoned religion all together yet” (Lisa, 2011, http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/when-good-things-happen-to-bad-people-wait-what/).

This makes me so sad, but yet I can’t blame Lisa for having these images of God considering what her parents and church ingrained in her throughout her childhood.  As I pointed out in my personal story in Part 1 of this series, had my dad hit me in the Name of Jesus, I wouldn’t be a Christian today due to being afraid of God, and having a totally warped image of Him based on my dad’s behavior towards me.  There is firm research showing that hurting children in God’s Name causes them to struggle or reject God due to fear and anger.  “Victims of religious child maltreatment often suffer a spiritual loss.  For example, experts say children may feel angry at, or terrified of, a deity if their abuser is active in the victim’s place of worship.  Many victims are unable to pray and can reject their faith altogether.  In a 1995 study by Bottoms, she notes that a significant number of alleged victims of childhood religion-related abuse changed their faith or became atheists” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 31).  To make matters worse, on top of parents and children being taught that God requires spankings, many of these Christian fundamental organizations and churches are so authoritarian that members face being kicked out if they choose to challenge the beliefs of the organization or church.  “Fear abounds in religious authoritarian cultures, as members understand that they will pay a price if they do not behave or believe correctly.  For example, they might believe that harboring religious doubts jeopardizes their chances to be ‘saved’ in the next life.  If members do not abide by certain social norms, they can be formally or informally ostracized” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 50).  But many children grow up and do leave their faith.   Sammy grew up in a fundamental Christian home where harsh physical punishment was the norm.  Sammy writes:

 “While my parents were Southern Baptist, not Independent Fundamentalist Baptist, they still believed the Bible command them to spank their children in the name of God. Their “discipline” could be quite harsh. My step-dad would hit me on the back and legs with a belt or a flyswatter, leaving stripes of marks and, sometimes, bruises. Afterwards, it would be painful to sit for days at a time. I have permanent scars from those years…

For me personally, the worst result of growing up in such a home was the twisted view of God it created, one I’ve talked about on this blog before. Believing that God hates you and is going to abandon you to hell forever creates a hell here on Earth, one that I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemies. While time and a new perception of God has healed some scars, some blemishes will never fully disappear” (Sammy, 2011, http://scientificuniversalist.blogspot.com/2011/09/ungodly-discipline.html).

Sammy is not the only one to reject the “god” that their parents represented to them.  Wendy and Nadia found themselves questioning if God was real or outright leaving their churches.  Wendy conveyed to me via an electronic message dated September 23, 2011 the following:

 “I remember growing up Catholic with a mother who was more religious than my father and also used physical punishment more. My aunt and uncle weren’t into religion at all, and spanking seemed to be reserved for extreme stuff. Their family seemed a lot happier than ours, and I was kind of envious. Once when I was 10, my mom apparently didn’t like my facial expression and she reached out and smacked me in the face. My cousin, who’d seen what happened, seemed to be appalled and asked me later if my mom was nuts. Not too surprisingly, I stopped going to church as soon as I left home and have never cared to return.”

It is very sad that while Wendy may consider herself a Christian, she has completely stopped going to any church due to her upbringing.  It is also sad that she often envied her aunt and uncle’s family because they didn’t believe in God and rarely spanked their children.  God wants everyone to be saved and have a loving, personal relationship with Him.  But how can that happen when children raised in a Christian home see a non-Christian home as happier and more peaceful?  Didn’t God intend for this to be the exact opposite?  Nadia had a similar experience as a child as she went to a Christian school and was spanked there because her PE teacher thought that she was being defiant by wearing her new watch to gym class.  While she understood that students couldn’t wear jewelry to gym class, she was truly unaware that watches were also considered jewelry.  Even though she tried to tell her PE teacher this, she still got spanked.

 “My personal experiences with spanking were absolutely terrifying. Every teacher had the power to spank, and the offenses that called for spanking were at the discretion of the teacher. Since none of my peers knew what could provoke a spanking, we went to school in constant fear…

Having had a first-hand experience with spanking, I can say with a measure of authority that spanking does not produce results, neither short nor long-term. After leaving that school, I personally left the church, and refused to attend throughout my school years. Why? I felt that if a school like that could condone and embrace abuse, then I did not want to have any part of the religion or God associated with it. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that God is not about punishment, abuse, and humiliation. God is, in short, love.

But there are many children from Christian households who get spanked, and I don’t doubt for a second that a majority of these children will grow up to either forsake religion, or they will become adults who are angry, scared, or both. After all, as the joke goes, the quickest way for a Catholic to leave the religion is to send him to a Catholic school. I can’t tell you how many of my friends, having equated Christianity with hate and intolerance, stopped believing merely because their instructors in religious practice were angry people concerned only with physically and psychologically subduing those younger and weaker than them” (Nadia, 2011, http://whynottrainachild.com/2011/08/02/no-fear-in-love/).

I am very grateful that Nadia eventually was able to find out exactly Who God truly is over time just as Ginger did.  But as we have seen throughout this piece, fear of God often drives children away from Him.  This is not what God intended for us.  Look what Ephesians 3:12 says, “In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.”  And Hebrews 4:16 states, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”  And finally, 1 John 5:14 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”  It is obvious that God wants us to have confidence and boldness when we approach Him.  Yes, we are to be humble and reverent towards God, but never afraid of Him.  We are not to be paranoid that God will strike us down every time we make a mistake.  Out of love and Godly sorrow, God wants us to come to Him seeking forgiveness knowing that our sins will be forgiven.

Sadly, many children do develop paranoia, and as we have already seen, other anxiety disorders due to being physically punished/abused.  “Like other forms of post-traumatic stress, paranoia is a delayed and transformed re-experience of earlier threats and dangers to the self, to the will, and to the body” (Greven, 1992, p. 172).  Daniel Paul Schreber suffered extreme abuse from his devout Christian parents.  “Dr. Schreber’s methods of discipline and control mirror those rationales for corporal punishment explored earlier” (Greven, 1992, p. 170).  Dr. Schreber was a pastor and justified his abusive behaviors toward his son with Scripture.  He advocated for extreme measures of control for children beginning in infancy.  “He recommended, for instance, that, when a small child cried for no apparent reason, the remedy was to ‘step forward in a positive manner: by quick distraction of the attention, stern words, threatening gestures, rapping against the bed…or when all this is no avail—by moderate, intermittent, bodily admonishments consistently repeated until the child calms down or falls asleep.’  The goal was clear: ‘Such a procedure is necessary only once or at most twice and—one is master of the child forever.’” (Greven, 1992, p. 171).  Sadly, Daniel Schreber turned the fear that his father instilled in him into paranoia as an adult.  He believed that God and his doctor were out to harm him, but that his father had nothing to do with his severe paranoia.  “Schreber believed even as an adult that he adored his father.  But he also believed that God and his doctor were intent upon harming or destroying his very soul.  He was absolutely right in his assumption that his self and soul were in grave danger, but he could not acknowledge from whom.  Like other victims of violence, assault, and abuse, he identified with his abuser and forgot himself in the process” (Greven, 1992, p. 172).  Granted, Schreber’s abuse from his minister father took place in the late 1800s to early 1900s, but like so many Christian parents, past and present, his father truly believed that what he did to his son was biblical and not abusive.

Anxiety and paranoia are not uncommon in children who have been physically punished/abused as children, especially when it is done in the Name of Jesus!  MC, Ginger, the others I’ve mentioned in this piece, including myself, have experienced a less severe form of paranoia or panic attacks.  For Ginger and MC, it had to do with believing God was ready to punish them every time they made a mistake since they were physically punished in the Name of God.  For myself, I suffer from a more generalized anxiety.  I usually do not have panic attacks, but I often worry about my health beyond what is necessary or normal.  I also get very anxious with storms thinking that a tornado will come blow our house apart.  Granted, we have experienced some pretty severe weather this past year, but even as a child, I was terrified of storms.  I truly believe that a great deal of my anxiety issues comes from being physically abused by my dad.  The fear instilled in children from being hit by adults in their lives whether it is done “lovingly” or not does indeed negatively affect children as they grow up—even if they try to deny or repress it.  Greven (1992) states,

“The roots of paranoia…are to be found in struggles over the will, of being forced to give in to superior force and power and, we must add, pain and fear.  The pervasive sense of being threatened with harm, of being forced to surrender, of being manipulated or coerced into compliance with the will of another person or persons, persistent in paranoia, is rooted in the experience of aggression by adults against the wills, bodies, and selves of children.  The pervasive suspiciousness and fear of subversion and of conspiracies, so characteristic of paranoia, reflect earlier battles over the child’s willfulness and autonomy, long submerged in the unconscious but still present in the minds of many people for the rest of their lives” (Greven, 1992, p. 173).

For some children who are physically punished, they may not come to be afraid of God, but they question why God isn’t answering their cries for help.  “In a booklet that aims to educate the public about child maltreatment in Amish communities, one woman writes about the beatings she received as a girl: ‘Where was God when those awful beatings occurred?  Did He care?  How would I know?  God is Our Father, the Bible says, but is He also like my earthly father—ready to strike me down and call me ‘worthless’ when I fail.  How could I trust God? … Many times I’ve tried to persuade God to just let me die’” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 32).  Olivia also would sometimes wonder why God wasn’t answering her cries for help.  Perhaps God knew that through our physical and emotional pain we would rise up and take a firm stance against the hitting of children.  Or, maybe God did try to speak to our parents’ hearts but they were too hardened to truly hear Him.  If God really wanted us to obey Him out of fear, He would have created little robots that He could easily subdue.  But our God is a relational God.  He wants us to obey and worship Him because we love Him!

I want to take a look at the third commandment which states, “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name” Exodus 20:7.  Most people, as I did, think this means not using God’s Name in a flippant manner or to curse.  But, as I recently learned, this commandment also means not using God’s Name to justify doing evil.

“Rabbi Joseph Telushkin wrote the following in his book Jewish Literacy.

 ‘Many people think that this means that you have to write God as G-d, or that it is blasphemous to say words such as goddamn. Even if these assumptions are correct, it’s still hard to figure out what makes this offense so heinous that it’s included in the document that forbids murdering, stealing, idolatry, and adultery. However, the Hebrew, Lo Tisa, literally means ‘you shall not carry God’s name in vain.’’

In other words, don’t use God as your justification in selfish causes.

According to Telushkin, the prohibition is not in merely using God’s name. The prohibition is the actions you take in the name of God.

Let me see if I can drive this point home more clearly.

We are not permitted to justify illegal or evil acts by saying that they mandated by God. We can never use God as an excuse or justification to do evil, to otherwise violate the laws of civilization and the laws of the Torah” (Simon, 2010, http://simonsense.blogspot.com/2010/02/some-thoughts-on-third-commandment.html).

This is very important as we are never to use God’s Name when we do evil.  Since hitting child is evil and causes so many negative affects in children and adults, we should never spank(hit) children in God’s Name; telling them that this is God’s Will for them, because when we do this, we are breaking the third commandment.  Not only do we break the third commandment by telling children that Jesus wants them to be hurt when they sin, but we are also emotionally abusing our children.  It is obvious from all the research, personal stories, and Scripture that using God to justify intentionally inflicting pain on children causes them to be afraid of Him.  This is more damaging than just hitting them as they are being taught they are worthless and must suffer physical pain before God and their parents will be able to forgive them.  Parents who do this to their children, and Christians leaders who advocate for this, are playing head games with vulnerable and impressionable young minds with damages being quite high to deadly if the child grows up to reject God forever!  “As harmful as other forms of abuse and neglect can be, emotional maltreatment is often the most damaging.  As one psychologist put it, when various forms of abuse are present, children are most affected by the perpetrator’s ‘psychological stance.’  Write the authors of the APSAC handbook, ‘Empirical research suggests that the most common and lasting effects of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect tend to be related to associated and embedded psychological experiences’” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 126).  Do we really want children to grow up equating fear and pain with love and God?  Do we want children to grow up and feel as MC conveyed to me via an electronic message dated September 29, 2011 where he states, “I learned once, from a speaker at an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship conference, that in a relationship with Jesus one can either be a son/ daughter or an orphan. The individual who is a son or daughter of Jesus is motivated to follow out of love; the orphan is ruled and motivated by fear. For most of my life, I feel like I have been the orphan?”  It is obvious that Jesus wants us to obey Him out of love and not fear when He states, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me” John 14:23-24.  Fear and love never go together, and as we shall see in the next section, spanking “in love” is quite harmful.

“Lovingly” spanking- “If children are spanked ‘lovingly,’ it isn’t harmful!”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this argument throughout the writing of this book.  Pro-spankers truly believe that if they follow the “rules” for “godly, loving” spanking, as I discussed in Part 6 of my series, “The Christian History of Spanking,” that no harm will ever be done to a child.  But many people have been spanked “lovingly” and were harmed by it.  MC is quick to point out in an electronic message written on September 29, 2011 that:

 “I will sum up these experiences with the observation that none of these spankings struck me as being abusive,or out-of-the-ordinary, by the standards adopted by authority figures in the time- period of my childhood ( the 80′s), or the church culture I was raised in. By all standards, I was punished by the “Spank in love” misnomer that permeated evangelical and fundamentalist thought, and was accepted by a majority of 80′s society. My father did not wail on me in a fit of rage, he did not leave me black and blue, break my bones, break my skin, or leave me covered in red welts. My torment was delivered in a cool manner, with calculated precision, and was sanctioned with appeals of Biblical obedience to god, and an empty mantra explaining that I was being treated this way for my own good, that I was being treated this way because I was loved, and that what was being done to me actually hurt my father more than it hurt me. By all standards of the culture, and the time period, I was not abused. However, such treatment impacted deeply in a host of negative ways, which leads me to conclude that all forms of hitting, from the more mild to the more severe, are all stepping stones that lead down the slippery slope into various degrees of mistreatment and abuse. There is no such thing as a right way to hit somebody.”

Ginger, as we saw in the previous section of this piece, was also spanked the “godly, loving” way.  Some of my critics often claim that my research is based on abuse, and not spanking.  I would like to remind everyone that many of the children and parents call this “abuse” spanking.  All the Christian advocates call this “abuse” spanking as they say leaving red marks that are temporary is ok, and that the spanking must cause the child a considerable amount of pain in order to be effective.  Pain is pain no matter what one chooses to call it.  Since many pro-spankers argue over where to draw the line between spanking and abuse, as I pointed out in Part 2 of this series, I must take a firm stand and as a preventive measure, call all hitting of children abuse!  After all, intentionally inflicting pain on adults is considered abuse.  Hitting the elderly is elder abuse.  Hitting a child is child abuse.  Children are human beings just as adults are!

As I pointed out in Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking,” the contemporary “love spanking” is not biblical.    Yes, the rod verses do say, if we take them literally, that parents who punish their children with the rod love their children, but there’s no support for spanking without anger.  “Unfortunately, it simply is not a biblical concept (if Christians view their discipline practices as biblical because they are based on the concrete-specific teaching of the Bible’s rod texts).  Of course, the notion of physical beatings as an expression of parental love is very biblical.  But the contemporary banning of parental anger is highly problematic.  In fact, the restriction of ‘no anger’ in spanking goes directly against a biblical and theological development of corporal punishment” (Webb, 2011, p. 49).  Anger in the Old Testament went along with most punishments.  In fact, when God chose to punish His people in the Old Testament, He was quite angry with them and would usually unleash His Wrath upon them until they cried out to Him and He would have compassion on them.  As William Webb (2011), author of Corporal Punishment in the Bible: A Redemptive-Movement Hermeneutic for Troubling Texts, states:

 “Now the difficulty with a no-anger policy for spanking, if it is indeed based on the Bible, is that when God practices corporal punishment, his use of the rod and whip clearly does involve anger.  Numerous texts speak of (1) God disciplining his people in anger, and more specifically of (2) God disciplining his children with the rod or whip as an expression of his anger and wrath.  In fact, the emotive connection between anger and the rod of discipline is so direct that the Bible sometimes describes divine corporal punishment with the short-form idiom (3) God’s ‘rod of anger’ or ‘rod of wrath.’” (p. 50).

Webb nor I am saying that God wants us to spank, and that we are to spank in anger.  Webb and I are just further pointing out that the contemporary method advocated by Christian pro-spankers is not supported in the Bible.  Now, while having some love in the home is preferable than a home that uses harsh punishments without ever showing love and affection to the children, it is a very misleading statement made by pro-spankers to say that if children are spanked “lovingly” then it is not harmful.  As we have already seen, many of the people in this series were spanked the “loving, godly” way and still had damage done to them because of it.  Love and pain are contradictory to each other.  And there is no such thing as a “gentle spanking.”  A mild swat is intended to cause mild pain to the child as well as create fear in the child, otherwise, why would one bother to swat the child?  I truly believe that “love spanking” can actually be more harmful to children than spanking in anger (which, as I said, I would never recommend) because we are teaching them to equate being hit and intentionally hurt with love.  Dulce De Leche explains it very well in her article, “Spanking in Anger—What Does it Matter?”

 “From a child’s perspective, spanking done calmly is no better than a spanking done in anger.  Either way, they are hurt.  In fact, many people who have experienced both found spanking in anger less damaging.  They can recognize a distinction between their responsibility and their parent’s reaction.  Spanking calmly may be more emotionally damaging, because it is much more effective at teaching the children that they deserve to be hit by those who love them.  Think about this: if someone you love were to say something that hurt you in a moment of anger, or to say the same thing with the intent to hurt you when they were completely calm, which would be more damaging?  For most of us, the latter would be far worse” (Dulce De Leche, 2011, http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-in-anger-what-does-it-matter.html).

Children are able to sense and recognize other’s emotions from infancy.  They know the difference between an angry look and/or voice and a happy look and/or voice.  But it is extremely confusing to children is when our faces or tone of voice don’t match our feelings.  Say, for example, a two-year-old is throwing a tantrum in public and the parent, trying to be perceived as a “good parent,” forces a smile as she angrily tells her child to stop it.  Outside of the toddler being too out of control to hear her (we’ll discuss this in my next series on discipline), if the parent looks happy, it is very difficult for the child to tell whether the parent is happy or angry.  This is quite true of children who are spanked by a calm, unemotional parent.  This method of physically punishing children is sending them a very confusing, mixed message to them.  Due to the spanking being delivered by a calm, loving parent, young children process it as pre-meditated and calculated, and then as an extension of love.  While it may be redemptive for Christian advocates of spanking to teach parents not to spank in anger but to do so “in love,” teaching young children to equate love with pain is very dangerous and damaging.  As I said, while affection is certainly preferred in a home where children are physically punished or abused, claiming that physically punishing a child in a “loving manner” does no damage is a false notion.

“In addition, while all can agree that parents should be affectionate with their children, as many conservative Protestants seem to be, one wonders if children in these families would do even better if they received that affection and were not spanked.  Some worry about the potentially damaging psychological effects of children being made to endure pain inflicted by parents with whom they share a loving relationship.  ‘If you are both very affectionate with your children and you’re physically punitive with them, that’s a very mixed message, and I think it has long-term consequences,’ Phillip Greven told me in our interview” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 112).

Indeed it is considering that many of the stories that I have featured throughout my work are of children who were hit “in love,” and/or were told that the beatings they endured were because their parents “loved” them and were trying to obey God.  My dad was very affectionate with me throughout my childhood.  But he was always angry with me when he’d hit me.  I think that was a Godsend because had he’d been calm when he hit me, I may have had even more fear of him growing up, and it would have been much harder for me to acknowledge that what he did to me was wrong, and to forgive him.  If someone close to us hurts us when he/she is angry, it is easier to forgive him/her because we know it was more than likely due to the anger.  But if the person is calm and unemotional when he/she hurts us, we don’t know what his/her motive is.  This is scarier and more damaging to the relationship.  This is quite true when it comes to young children who are often shocked and confused when their loving parents physically punish them.  They often do not understand what is going on.  To associate love with hitting and pain is not a healthy thing.   “The first of these unintended consequences is the association of love with violence.  Corporal punishment typically begins in infancy with slaps to correct and teach.  Mommy and Daddy are the first and usually the only ones to hit an infant.  And for the most part this continues throughout childhood.  The child therefore learns that those who love him or her the most are those who hit” (Strauss, 2006, p. 123).  This is extremely sad and unfortunate.

Beth Fenimore’s family was close friends with Roy Lessin, author of the 1979 book entitled Spanking: Why, When, How, when she was growing up.  Her parents followed his advice to “lovingly” spank children.  Despite being spanked the “godly, loving” way, Beth was traumatized by the spankings and suffered psychological damage.  Here is a  letter she wrote to Roy Lessin regarding the negative effects his advice to parents had on her:  *warning potentially triggering*

 “Beth Fenimore 
September 7, 2005

Open Letter to Roy Lessin
 Author of Spanking: Why, When, How

Dear Roy,

After 19 years I have found the courage to write you this letter declaring how your choice to teach and write about spanking has affected me. My purpose in writing you this open letter is to share with you and others that the spanking approach you recommend is harmful. My parents both know my view on this issue. I have talked to them, as well, about how their decision to implement your spanking recommendations affected me. I have a mission. My mission is to warn new parents who are innocently trying to raise happy, healthy children. Should just one parent spare their child the kind of pain that I endured at the hands of my parents implementing your spanking recommendations, my pain will have more meaning than it does now. I want to begin by talking about your spanking approach so that we’ll both be using the same language. In your book, you describe a process by which a parent performs a spanking on their child.

The first step is to use the right instrument; if a parent uses their hand, the child might become fearful of the parent’s hand.

The second step is to spank promptly. The third step is to find a private place in which the parent can conduct the spanking.

The fourth step is for the parent to explain to the child why they are going to be spanked.

The fifth step is to get the child into a good spanking position (when my parents and other adults—such as your wife, Char—spanked me, the ritual involved removing the child’s clothing); you recommend bending the child over a bed, or bending a smaller child over the parent’s lap.

The sixth step is to hit the child on the buttocks with a stick or other spanking implement.

The seventh step is to continue spanking until the child yields a broken cry, which indicates a broken will.

The eighth step is reconciliation. You recommend that parents comfort the child until sufficient time has passed, and then ask the child to stop crying. You recommend that parents spank a child who displays a “wrong attitude” by continuing to cry too long after a spanking.

The language in your book is much more “sugary” than what I’ve just written. But my description does not come close to what it feels like to receive a Roy Lessin spanking. So I’ll describe what a Roy Lessin spanking is like.

My first spanking was when I was six months old. My mother spanked me for crying after she put me to bed. She had to spank me repeatedly to teach me to not cry when she put me down. I know about this incident because my mother used to tell all new mothers about how young I was when she started spanking me. My last spanking occurred when I was thirteen years old. The Roy Lessin spankings that I remember most vividly took place between the ages of three and seven, because I hardly went a few days without a spanking at that time. I’d like to share with you, and others, what it was like receiving a Roy Lessin spanking.

The moment I found out I was going to get a Roy Lessin spanking, I felt physically ill. Because the Roy Lessin spanking is a ritual, the ordeal could take a long time. (When I refer to a spanking ritual, I’m referring to the steps you outline in your book.) This was hard for me because I had a child’s sense of time. The dread bubbled up and consumed me, and stayed with me until the spanking ritual was over. My parents usually sent me to a private room, such as my own room, and there I would wait until one of my parents came. (My dad spanked me the most, so in my illustration let’s assume my father is conducting the Roy Lessin spanking.) My father would explain the reason for the spanking. This was an excruciating process because I had to listen while knowing what was coming. Since I might face back-to-back Roy Lessin spankings, I had to be careful not to be disrespectful in my listening to my father. I had already developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), and would feel my guts cramp up with anxiety during his speech. Then he would ask me to take off my pants and underwear. I would feel deeply embarrassed because my father was not supposed to see me naked. (My family had a high standard for modesty.) My humiliation and fear would grow immeasurably as I leaned over the bed, my father’s knee, or whatever was around. My private parts were helplessly exposed as my dad laid his hand on my back. Trying to pull away and defend myself would only mean that the spanking would be longer, or I’d get a back-to-back spanking. The stick, paddle inscribed with scripture verses, or belt would swish violently through the air before slapping painfully on my buttocks or thighs. I would scream in pain and anguish. I cannot remember a moment of thinking of resisting, rebelling, or trying to “win” anything, as you recommend parents should watch for as they hit their children. I just tried to survive the best way I knew how. The screaming, the hitting, and the pain would continue for unknown amounts of time. When the gruesome pain ended, I would begin to battle with my emotions and my body. I knew that crying too much could mean that my father would start a Roy Lessin spanking ritual all over again to correct my “wrong attitude.”

My parents were never concerned about the marks they left on my body. We never talked about the painful marks on my body, or how clothing, baths, chairs, etc. hurt. The message was clear: there was no pain. Pulling up my pants was incredibly painful, and so was sitting on my father’s lap. Because “there was no pain,” I had to pretend my buttocks and thighs didn’t hurt even though they did, while my father would wrap his arms around me and “comfort” me. I was not like the idealized children you describe in your book, not knowing the difference between the spanking implement and the parent. My father caused me that pain—not a stick! My father’s arms scared me, and I feared my father like I’ve feared no other man. His touch repulsed me. I was the same with my mother. (To this day, I cannot physically tolerate either parent touching me. I feel physically ill at their touch.) My father would pray, and I could hardly go along but for fear of yet another Roy Lessin spanking. After we prayed, it was time for me to be happy. But my insides would be a mess. Tears would threaten to come back and cause me more pain and anguish. I had to pretend that I wasn’t sad, and that I wasn’t in pain. This would be my greatest lesson: to be happy no matter how I felt inside. It would take me a few back-to-back spankings, but I would learn. It would be a lesson I’d learn for life—being falsely happy regardless of how my body felt.

One aspect of receiving a Roy Lessin spanking is the sexual aspect. It’s taken me years to even begin to allow myself to speak of this aspect. You see, as a child I had no idea what sex was. I just had this funny sensation that came and went during the Roy Lessin spanking ritual. To my great dismay, I learned that sexual stimulation can be cross-wired with the painful ritual of spankings. This cross-wiring was a real problem for me. Because I couldn’t cope with the double message of love and pain, I avoided developing an intimate relationship with a man for a very long time. It took years for me to find a healthy sexuality outside the memories I have of the Roy Lessin spankings. I struggled with this double message as a child. I feel a deep sense of shame as I remember hitting and torturing my dolls and Barbies when no one was around. I needed some way to express the fear, pain, and sexual confusion I felt inside; yet my childish mind couldn’t comprehend the significance of what I was doing.

My parents were your “A” students. They followed your eight steps occasionally reducing the entire Roy Lessin spanking ritual to a few swats—not very often, though. My butt and thighs would sting for a long time after a Roy Lessin spanking ritual, so I’d go into the bathroom and use my mother’s mirror to look at my behind. I remember seeing red stripes crisscrossing my buttocks and my thighs. At times, I had old marks underneath the new marks. My parents conducted several Roy Lessin spanking rituals a day when I was a young child. I remember a teacher at school asking me one day why I didn’t just sit still. I couldn’t tell her that it was because the marks on my butt hurt so bad sitting in the little wooden chair.

Now that we’ve established what a Roy Lessin spanking is and what it felt like to receive one, let’s move on to wrong attitudes. I’d like to begin by telling you a story of what it was like having an adult, in this case your wife, address my “wrong attitude.”

One day my parents were moving. I was four, and woke up to a house that I no longer recognized. I asked my mother what was happening. Whatever answer she gave, I didn’t understand. She sent my brothers and me to your house, where your wife Char was to baby-sit us. On the way out the door, I saw our small parakeet Chirpy sitting in his cage outside our house near some bushes. Now, Chirpy wasn’t supposed to be outside. A dark feeling of dread came over me. I was frightened as I walked to the car, looking at Chirpy frantically chirping in his cage next to a stack of boxes. At some point, at your house, Char put all of us down for a nap. The confusion and fear filled me, and I wondered if I’d ever see my home again. When the room was quiet, my emotions burst out of me. I cried. Char came in and told me to stop, and I couldn’t. So she performed one of your spanking rituals. I went back to my napping spot. I lay there for the remainder of my nap—unable to sleep, afraid to move, filled with emotions of dread and fear so large I thought I’d explode. But I had to make Char believe that I was cheerfully obeying her. I put on whatever face I could to convince her, and pretended to be asleep. I had to pretend I felt different than I did inside.

There are two points I’d like to make about bad attitudes. The first is that, as you can see above, adults do not have “powers” that allow them to read the minds of children. My parents made this mistake over and over again. They weren’t much better at reading my mind or how I felt than your wife was that day I stayed at your house. You see, parents make mistakes. There’s no getting around this. But when a parent uses a force as violent as a Roy Lessin spanking, mistakes are truly damaging, especially when the spanking ritual involves breaking the child’s will—or breaking any part of a child’s psyche!

The second point about “wrong attitudes” is that you tell parents that their children will be happy with your mode of discipline, or even prefer being spanked. I want to say that I didn’t experience that joy. I built myself a cheerful, obedient shell. I lived in that shell, only peeking my head out when I felt safe, for 30 years. It took me another seven years to actually try taking the cheerful, obedient shell off—only to run back into it when something felt like the “old fears of my childhood.” I have not been happy living in this shell, constantly pretending to be happy when I felt miserable inside. When I think of a happy child, I think of a child who feels free to express their ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I think that a parent’s job is to teach a child how to express their emotions, not hit them with a stick until the child displays the emotion of the parent’s choosing.

You write about parents disciplining children for disobedience. It seems pretty simple. The parents set up some rules and the children follow them. When disobedience is based on a child doing or behaving just as the parent asks, following those rules becomes much harder. As your teachings played out in my growing-up years, I found that I violated more rules than I could keep track of. Not only that, one of the rules was to follow through without my mom or dad asking a second time. So perfection became the rule, and perfection was something I failed at miserably. Even in the cheerful, obedient shell, I was not completely safe. The life lesson I took away was that there is no such thing as second chances. I took this lesson to school, and found that I was afraid to try. Not that my parents didn’t encourage me—it was just that if the encouragement didn’t work, which it often didn’t, they’d spank me for getting letters backwards, words wrong on spelling tests, and so forth. Basically, they spanked me for not trying hard enough. I haven’t even mentioned the hundreds of other issues they spanked me for. I learned how to live helplessly. Not only did I face my own internal disappointment at not getting something correct, I faced a Roy Lessin spanking at home when I wore out my encouragement. I grew up thinking that I was mentally handicapped. Later, as a grown adult, I found out that I’m dyslexic—something a Roy Lessin spanking would never cure.

For most of my life, I worried that I’d remembered all this wrong. About eleven years ago I called Char and asked her to listen to while I recalled a Roy Lessin spanking for her. I described to her in as much detail as I could remember the beatings I endured again and again. Char told me that my memories were exactly what you and she had taught my parents. I had not remembered wrong!

I read your book a few weeks ago. I was again surprised to realize I knew and remembered your teachings very well. After the years of growing up around your family and hearing you preach at Outreach, your book brought back your painful teachings and the painful memories I’ve been trying so hard to live with. I kept wanting to grab my cheerful, obedient shell because to this day I feel scared when I think of all the Roy Lessin spankings and teachings.

Both Char, during my call with her, and you, in your first book, talk about spankings having a higher purpose in saving the soul. You reference Proverbs 20:30: “Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.” Those “blows” left horrible marks on my body that made sitting difficult and bathing with soap sting horribly, and they terrified my spirit.

Feeling terrified isn’t the only outcome I live with. Ten years ago a gastroenterologist diagnosed me with IBS, a condition I’ve had since I was around three years old. Because of the fierce anxiety I felt because of the Roy Lessin spankings, I had terrible chronic stomachaches and diarrhea while I was growing up and as an adult. Five years ago my psychiatrist diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I began to work through my deeply rooted fears of my parents and the Roy Lessin spankings. Later a physician associate (PA) diagnosed me with asthma and severe allergies from a poor immune system, a result of my chronic anxiety. The same PA told me that I’m at high risk for colon cancer because of the years of IBS as a result of my anxiety. Roy, these problems are all due to my parents implementing your teachings using Roy Lessin spankings to correct a multitude of childhood blunders and attitudes. I can’t imagine why a parent would want these outcomes for their child. I may have looked happy and acted lovingly towards my parents, but I was emotionally and physically sick inside! Your teachings gave me no option but to live a horrible lie of looking happy when I was miserable.

For almost every day of my life, I fear people. If people like my parents, and friends of my family such as you and Char, would hurt me this badly, what horrible things would others do to me? I was supposed to be safe with my family and friends growing up! I especially fear men in authority roles. I occasionally look even at people I know, and who I know to be safe, with terror just because they’ve spoken in a tone that reminds me of those early times. I fear making mistakes. I choose not to have children of my own because a child’s screams scramble my insides.

Remember all those sermons at Outreach that you, Don Leetch, Dean Kerns, and a few others delivered? I still hear children screaming as their parents spanked them outside the church sanctuary during Sunday morning service during those sermons. I remember the screams of my siblings. I remember on a Friday night, someone was preaching and a dad took a baby outside for a spanking, and a neighbor called the police. We stopped the church service, and you went out with your bible to explain to the officer why it was fine for the parent to spank their baby. All of us inside prayed that the officer would understand and not take the baby away.

As a grown woman I still fear Roy Lessin spankings. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night begging my husband to “not let them get me.”

My father and I have talked several times about Roy Lessin spankings. He has asked for forgiveness, and is horrified by what he has done. These conversations have been incredibly painful for both of us, and I’m now 37 years old! I believe that he thought he was doing the right thing. You were a leader in the church he believed in, and you were his friend. Our families socialized together. This was not some teaching he picked up somewhere, and then went off to make the best of it.

I hope that by this point you begin to see how your simple, sweet words about raising children are actually harmful. Perhaps you’re wondering if I want to have a dialogue with you, and talk about what you really meant by your early book. Perhaps you’ve adopted a policy of grace, and now recommend that parents spank less and not on bare skin? The truth is, I don’t want to know. If I needed justification or reasoning for your teachings, I could use your book as a reference. What I’d like you to do is reconsider your position after carefully looking at how your teachings affected me. Would a loving parent really want to raise a child to fear people, to wear a cheerful and obedient shell, or to live with PTSD and other ailments? I hope the answer you come to is No. I hope that you realize that hitting a child for any reason is not loving. Then, I hope, you join the cause to end corporal punishment in the homes of children. I came into this world a happy, healthy baby. For no other reason than the Roy Lessin spankings, I now fight for my physical and mental health. Please help others and me so this doesn’t happen to any more children. Help end corporal punishment. Help end child abuse. If Jesus said, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea” (Mark 9:42), I can’t image that God would condone such behavior in people who claim to be loving parents.

Sincerely,  
Bethany A. Fenimore”  (Fenimore, 2005, http://nospank.net/fenimore.htm).

It is obvious from this heartbreaking letter written by Beth that even if parents spank their children in the “loving, godly” manner that it still does much harm to the children.  In fact, teaching children to equate love with hitting not only teaches children that hitting a loved one is acceptable as I showed in Part 3 of this series, but as Gershoff, who I mentioned previously in this piece, also found that “spanking can lead children to think that aggression is common in relationships with loved ones. Gershoff in fact did find that CP (corporal punishment) is associated with increased risk of victimization from abusive relationships in adulthood” (Niolon, 2010, http://www.psychpage.com/family/disc.html).  In fact, many of the women that I know who were spanked “lovingly” became victims of spousal abuse because they equated love with being hit.  This is a very dangerous cycle for any person to become entangled.  God never intended for this to happen.

As I have continued to discuss throughout my work, teaching children that God wants them to be hit not only makes children become afraid of Him and is blasphemous, but it does not accurately teach children God’s true love for them.  “What value is there, for example, in teaching our children that God loves them if they learn that love is something that hurts or makes them feel guilty” (Quinn, 1988, p. 92).  As I pointed out in my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” many pro-spankers misinterpret Proverbs 13:24 which states, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them,” to mean that they must spank in order to show their love for their children.  (See “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for the correct interpretation of the rod verses).  This is not a mandate from God to spank children in order to show love to them.  Love and this type of pain never go together.  What this is saying is that parents who love their children will discipline (teach and guide) children in a manner that will enable the children to thrive and will ultimately lead them to Christ.  Spanking and permissive parenting do the exact opposite of what this verse is saying.  Being hit or not being disciplined at all does not make children feel loved by their parents.  Hurting children intentionally never accurately shows love for them.  God does not intentionally hurt us to show His love for us as God is love.  God showed His love for us by coming to Earth as Jesus Christ to take all the pain for us.  Now that is true love!  The Bible is also quite clear on what love is and is not.  As Quinn (1988) beautifully states,

 “Nowhere in I Corinthians 13—the great chapter on love—is hitting listed as an act of love.  It tells us clearly that love is patient and kind, is never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.  Love is a state of mind, a quality of the spirit that manifests itself in human relationships.  Love holds the other person in highest esteem; it does everything possible to uplift the other.  Love never hurts; it helps.  It never tears down; it builds.  Love never punishes; it disciplines!  To equate love with violence is a serious mistake that can have devastating consequences.  Love and violence are two entirely different things.  If we hit children because we love them, we must be careful we do not love them to death” (p. 98).

Research shows that physically punishing children hurts the parent-child bond as most people can vividly remember the first time their parents slapped them.  They remember the shock of being intentionally hurt by the parent in whom the child trusted and loved.  A study was done with students regarding how corporal punishment chips away at the parent-child bond.  Strauss (2006) states:

 “Part of the process by which corporal punishment eats away at the parent-child bond is shown in the study of 270 students… We asked the students for their reactions to ‘the first time you can remember being hit by one of your parents’ and the most recent instance.  We used a check list of 33 items, one of which was ‘hated him or her.’  That item was checked by 42 percent for both the first and most recent instance of corporal punishment they could remember.  The large percentage who hated their parents for hitting them is important because it is evidence that corporal punishment does chip away at the bond between child and parent” (p. 154-155).

Yes, children may look and seem happy after being physically punished, but this is usually a facade in order to please their parents.  Their parents obviously won’t allow their children to show their true emotions.  This is not healthy nor is it true love.  I want to end this piece with one last story of a woman who was spanked the “loving, right” way but still was negatively affected by it.

 “When I was a little girl and my mother thought I required discipline, she would pull me face down across her lap and give me a series of stinging slaps of her hand on my bare buttocks while I cried. In fifteen seconds it was over. I would be in tears and clutching my bottom for a minute or so, but it didn’t really hurt much after that, just a hot itch. My rear end would be a solid pink right afterwards. But in a few hours it would be back to normal. And that was that.

I was not ‘abused’ as a child, just ‘spanked with love.’ She never left a bruise when she ‘lovingly spanked’ me. The permanent marks were inside, not outside.

Mother firmly believed in spankings as discipline for her children because they ‘worked’ so well. All she needed to do if my behavior displeased her was say, ‘Carol, do you want a spanking?’ and that would frighten me into obeying her. And if she told me to do the dishes and I didn’t do them very well and got spanked for it you can bet those dishes were unusually spotless for the next couple of days. But spankings also left me with lifelong emotional and sexual problems that I still don’t know how to fix despite years of therapy. My mother got an obedient daughter and cleaner dishes and I got a lifelong mess inside” (Neddermeyer, 2006, http://ezinearticles.com/?Loving-Spankings–Part-I&id=373269).

Conclusion

It is clear that fear is the main effect of spanking no matter how it is done.  Believing that God wants children to be hit often leads many children to struggle with their relationships with God or to be so afraid of Him that they totally reject Him.  Even when children are spanked the “loving, godly” way, there is much harm done to them.  Sadly, spanking is so ingrained in our society, especially among Christians, that the majority of people have a very difficult time admitting that all physical punishment is harmful to children.  As Strauss (2006) states:

“Conversely, almost everyone thinks that spanking children is not harmful, despite the studies showing that it is.  Eighty four percent of American adults, including most practicing psychologists, believe that corporal punishment is sometimes necessary.  The remarkable thing is that the members of the Family Research Laboratory seminar are social scientists who, presumably, are against hitting children.  Yet the idea that ‘moderate corporal punishment’ is harmless is so deeply ingrained in American culture that even this group was more skeptical of the idea that it could adversely affect a person’s occupation and income” (p. 146).

This is very sad as research and personal testimonies that I am presenting further prove that physical punishment is indeed very harmful to children.  And any amount of Bible study further shows that spanking is not from God otherwise there would be no harmful effects!  Fear is not from God.  I love this quote from Gandhi because it is more biblical than he probably realized!   “”Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi.  Yes, physical punishment “in love” has other harmful effects that many people don’t know about that we will discuss in my next piece—one of which is sexuality.  Again, I ask, is this really what God wants for our children?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

( Continued )

Reference:

Block, N. A. & Gomez, M. Y.  (2011). This hurts me more than it hurts you: In words and pictures.  Columbus, OH: The Center for Effective Discipline.

Boekaerts, M. (2002).

Bringing about change in the classroom: strengths and weaknesses of the self-regulated learning approach—EARLI Presidential Address, 2001. http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0959475202000105

Darlene.  (2011).  Stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about.   http://emergingfrombroken.com/stop-that-crying-or-i-will-give-you-something-to-cry-about/

Dulce De Leche.  (2011).  Spanking in anger: What does it matter?  http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-in-anger-what-does-it-matter.html

Fenimore, B.  (2005).  Open letter to Roy Lessin.  http://nospank.net/fenimore.htm

Gershoff, E. T.  (2002).  Is corporal punishment an effective means of discipline?   http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2002/06/spanking.aspx

Greven, P. (1992). Spare the child.  New York, NY: Vintage Books.

Grille, R.  (2005). Parenting for a peaceful world.  New South Wales, Australia: Longueville Media.

Heimlich, J.  (2011). Breaking their will.  Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.

Lisa.  (2011).  When good things happen to bad people…Wait, what?   http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/when-good-things-happen-to-bad-people-wait-what/

Meyer, J.  (2011). The confident woman devotional.  New York, NY: FaithWords.

Nadia.  (2011).  There is no fear in love: Why spanking doesn’t work.  http://whynottrainachild.com/?s=Nadia

Neddermeyer, D. M.  (2006).  Loving spankings—Part 1.  http://ezinearticles.com/?Loving-Spankings–Part-I&id=373269

Niolon, R.  (2010).  Corporal punishment in children—what does it accomplish?  http://www.psychpage.com/family/disc.html

Quinn, P. E.  (1988). Spare the rod.  Nashville, TN: Aboington Press.

Robinson, B. A.  (2002).  The anti-spanking position.   http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin4.htm

Robinson, C.  (2011).  Lock them up and throw away the key. http://richlyforgiven.blogspot.com/2011/07/lock-em-up-throw-away-key.html

Sammy.  (2011).  Ungodly discipline.   http://scientificuniversalist.blogspot.com/2011/09/ungodly-discipline.html

Sears, W.  (2011). 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child.   http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

Simon, M.  (2010).  Some thoughts on the third commandment.  http://simonsense.blogspot.com/2010/02/some-thoughts-on-third-commandment.html

Straus, M. A.  (2006). Beating the devil out of them.  New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.

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Analyzing Carri Williams

Many have wondered why Carri Williams adopted Hana only to abuse her to death.  Someone with a little inside knowledge has speculated on the reasons and has graciously given me permission to share with my readers.

Here’s my take on why the Williams family chose to adopt–first of all, I think Carri’s main role in life was being a mother. From everything I’ve heard, her biological children are extremely well-behaved and obedient. Perhaps they were this way because the parents were implementing the Pearl method, and they knew they had to be “good”. . . or else the plumbing line was going to come out for a visit. I think Carri convinced herself that her kids were wonderful because she was such a great mother. I think their religious beliefs combined with the belief that they were exemplary parents caused the two of them to “save” some children from a 3rd world country. Initially, I think their intentions for adopting were “good” (although  I am uncomfortable with the idea of adopting children solely because you are religiously motivated to “rescue” them). I don’t think they adopted Hana and her brother so that they could have some children to torture and abuse. However,I believe they made a huge assumption that these kids would respond to their methods just like their own biological children did. They expected Hana and her little brother to assimilate into their family, and most likely ignored their culture, how they had grown up (customs, beliefs, etc), and most importantly, the trauma that Hana and her brother had gone through in their childhoods. These kids just weren’t acting like their biological children. Instead of taking a step back and getting professional help, they decided that they would continue to follow the Pearl method, but continued to up the ante, because these kids were NOT succumbing to being “broken”. And this is where I think the Pearl method can be so dangerous–the Williams probably felt that they could NOT surrender and admit that they could no longer handle the situation on their own, so instead, they just became more and more extreme. Spankings led to abuse. . . but Hana still wouldn’t break. I think this is the point where Carri begins to resent/hate Hana because her entire ego is centered around having “perfect” children, and Hana is not only making her feel like a failure, she’s making Carri look “bad” to all the people in her community. And I believe that Carri (very much) CARES about people not perceiving her as “perfect” or “out of control”. So now, Carri is angry, and she has stepped out of the realm of even what the Pearls would advocate. Abuse turns to torture. Hana is treated like a prisoner of war. . . . her “parents” doing things to her in an attempt to humiliate her, hurt her, and strip her of her dignity. As far as Larry goes, I believe he either “bought in” to his wife’s approach whole heartedly, or he may have completely deferred the child rearing choices to his wife. But he is just as guilty, because there is no way that he couldn’t see what was happening to Hana. He HAD to have known. Yet, he did nothing. A little girl is dead because of these two. : (

This analysis fits exactly with what I have suspected even before much information was released.

Many have also wondered why nobody outside the family did anything to save Hana. Here are some thoughts on that from the same person.

From talking to people who live nearby and who knew the family, I did get the distinct impression that there may have been a reluctance to challenge Carri for her methods of parenting, as it seems she could become extremely combative when “her wisdom” was questioned. It was mentioned on the AC 360 program that neighbors were “scared” of Larry currently living at the family’s home in Sedro-Woolley, and I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that people who may have felt there were some problems with the treatment of the children were afraid to cross the couple. I think it is possible that they feared what sort of outcome would result from it. When I first perceived that people were possibly afraid of diminutive Carr, I thought that perhaps they were just being paranoid or over-reacting. However, now that we’ve all heard the horror of what Hana and her little brother went through at the hands of Larry and Carri, I can understand why some people might be intimidated by this couple (especially Carri) and not want to put themselves in situations that would provoke their anger. As much as I wish people who may have known things would have come forward before Hana died, I do understand at some level why they may have chosen to live in a bit of denial about it. I don’t think any one could have imagined just how horrific it was for Hana. The truth is so tragic and shockingly sadistic.

Hana “Williams” Story on CNN

Gary Tuchman of CNN covers the case of Hana Alemu (legally Hana Williams as she was adopted by Larry and Carri Williams) on A360 in Ungodly Discipline. They plan to look closer at the book, To Train Up A Child by Michael and Debi Pearl.

The next day they featured an interview with Michael Pearl.   Here is the transcript. The part in question is about half way down.

Also  on CNN, Dr. Drew interviews Michael Pearl about his book, To Train Up A Child, in an episode called, Preaching discipline that can kill?  This video seems to be just an excerpt.  If I find the entire show, I will replace the link.

A Closer Look At The Pearls’ Teachings and Adoption

Christine Minich takes a look at The Pearls’ Teachings in:

The Disturbing World of The Pearls in which she looks at Doublespeak and Definitions as well as some examples of his abusive teachings.

and The Disturbing World of The Pearls Part 2 in which she takes a look at their heretical Theology.

Also, TulipGirl tries to shed some light on the underlying philosophy of the Pearls’ Teachings with On The Pearls And Parenting, Once Again.

The Toronto Sun has an article about the Pearls’ Teachings in Was child abused to death due to advice from book?

Missizzy posted a Recipe For Disaster on  the Websleuths.com message board which explains that happened to Lydia and Hanna.  You might be interested in the rest of the conversation, it is really quite interesting.  I hope it is ok for me to link to this.  If anyone objects, please email me at hermanalinda@whynottrainachild.com and I will remove this entire paragraph.

I also thought I’d mention this post from Civil Thoughts about Adoption Education because that is so important.

Pearl’s Official Response to Hana’s Death

Michael Pearl  has released an official statement on the tragic death of Hannah Williams on his No Greater Joy Facebook Page.  This time he is not laughing.  He explains that he tells parents not to abuse and gives some quotes to back that up.  He didn’t even quote where he said not to use punishment on a child who has medical issues for not obeying, which I consider to be his best defense.  However, I do not agree with him that anyone can follow his advice without being abusive, as he and I do not agree on our definitions of abuse.  In fact, he never actually gives his definition of abuse, which is part of the problem.  He says not to abuse but never tells them how far to go (other than to be 100% consistent) nor what constitutes abuse.  Then, every time someone crosses the (invisible) line, he blames them for not doing it correctly.

Here is his statement for those who can’t or won’t visit Facebook:

Hanna Williams’ Death – Official Statement

by No Greater Joy Ministries on Thursday, October 6, 2011 at 12:07pm

We share in the sadness over the tragic death of Hanna Williams. What her parents did is diametrically opposed to the philosophy of No Greater Joy Ministries (NGJ) and what is taught in the book, To Train Up a Child (see quotes below). We are grieved by Hanna’s death as well as the nearly 1,700 other children that die in this country every year as the result of neglect or abuse. This is part of the motivation of NGJ to provide materials that are helping parents to raise healthy and happy children.

Here are quotes from the book that actually warn against abuse.

“Train up-not beat up. Train up-not discipline up.” “A child needs more than ‘obedience training’, but without first training him, discipline is insufficient” page 4

“Disciplinary actions can easily become excessive and oppressive if you set aside the tool of training and depend on discipline alone to do the training.” Page 9

“Parent, have you trained yourself not to discipline immediately but to wait until your irritation builds into anger? If so, then you have allowed anger to become your inducement to discipline.” Page 25

“Parent, if you are having problems with your children, you can be assured that you are not alone. Your children are also having problems with you. You are going to have to make adjustments in your own life if you are going to help them with their problems.” “… the responsibility for making a significant change is completely yours.” Page 32

“There are always some who act in the extreme. These individuals are capable of using what has been said about the legitimate use of the rod to justify ongoing brutality to their children.” page 50

“The rod should never be a vent for parents’ anger. Where the supreme motivation is anything other than the child’s good, it is inevitable that such behavior by the parent will assuredly create problems.” page 51

These quotes and the rest of the book are about turning the hearts of parents to the children and the hearts of children to the parents.

If, as alleged, Hanna’s parents owned a copy of the book, it is obvious from these quotes and their actions, that they either have not read it or totally ignored its contents. The book repeated warns parents against abuse and emphasizes the parents’ responsibility to love and properly care for their children, which includes training them for success. There are thousands upon thousands of parents (the book has sold over 660,000 copies) who have and are properly applying the philosophy in the book with the joyous results of happy, productive, well-adjusted children in loving successful families.

The alleged presence of the book makes it no more responsible for Hanna’s death than the presence of a weight loss book in the home of an overweight person is responsible for their obesity. Its presence is actually recognition that there was a problem and obtaining the book was an effort to solve it. Unfortunately, if Hanna’s parents own a copy they chose to ignore (or twist) the contents of the book that could have corrected their poor parenting and prevented the abuse and her death.

It is our desire to redouble our efforts to help families and to prevent future tragedies.

Michael Pearl, President

No Greater Joy Ministries

He is wrong about the Williams obtaining the book in an effort to solve the problem.  They were using the Pearls’ materials for years before they adopted Hana and Immanuel.  I don’t know how long ago they last read the book, but I have said many times that they twisted the advice therein.  The only reason I link the Pearls to this tragedy at all is because of their Parents Must Win Every Battle At All Costs mindset which I feel could have something to do with the Williams’ need for control.  I suspect that after all those years of Perfectly Obedient Children resulting from following the Pearls’ teachings, the fact that they were unable to get results from their adopted children pushed them off the deep end.  I could be wrong, but this is how it looks to me.  I thought that back  on Sept 6 and the more I learn, the more it looks that way.

The Williams Plead Not Guilty

This has hit the news big time, I will share a few of the stories here for you.

From KIRO TV Channel 7 Oct 6, 2011 and containing a video: Couple in abuse death of teen daughter make first appearance

King 5 News aka NWCN.com has posted the following news article which I will copy here for permanence

Skagit County couple pleads not guilty in death of adopted daughter

by KING 5 News

NWCN.com
Posted on October 6, 2011 at 10:38 AM
Updated today at 12:11 PM

 

MOUNT VERNON, Wash. — A Sedro Wooley couple accused of torturing and starving their adopted  13-year-old daughter to death pleaded not guilty in court Thursday.

A judge set bail at $150,000 each for both Carri and Larry Williams. Investigators believe the couple repeatedly starved and beat Hana Williams, a girl they adopted from Ethiopia, and charged both  with asasult of a child and homicide by abuse.

Hana was found dead in her backyard on May 12, naked and wrapped in a sheet. She had been living with her adoptive parents since coming to America from Ethiopia in 2008.

After months of investigation, her adopted parents were charged in connection with her death.

Skagit County Prosecutor Richard Weyrich said Hana Williams’s death ranks right up there for one of the worst cases he’s ever prosecuted.

In the charging documents, Carri Williams talked about how much she disliked her two adopted Ethiopian children, a 10-year-old boy and Hana.

“She died of hypothermia and you know part of that is having lost so much weight over the past year, months…she had lost 30 pounds,” Weyrich said.

According to charging documents, Carri and Larry Williams starved Hana for days, put her in a locked closet, shower room and forced her to sleep outside in the barn in the cold.  She wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom in the house, instead, she used a porta-potty behind the barn.  In addition, Hana was struck daily with a plumbing tool, a tube with a round ball on the end.

Members of Seattle’s Ethiopian community want justice.

“She’s a child whose life was trusted in their hands,” said Azeb Aberra, Ethiopian Community Mutual Association. “And they broke that trust and so it’s heartbreaking to hear this.”

Larry Williams is a 26-year employee with Boeing. He is currently on unpaid leave.

All of the William’s biological children and adopted son have been removed from the home.

Family members in the courtroom Thursday refused to comment.

The Komo News has the following article:

Couple pleads not guilty in homicide of adopted daughter

By KOMO Staff Published: Oct 6, 2011 at 11:03 AM PDT

MOUNT VERNON, Wash. – The parents of an adopted girl who died of exposure in her own backyard after she had been starved and abused for months pleaded not guilty to the charges Thursday.

Larry P. Williams and Carri D. Williams of Sedro Woolley were arrested last week and later charged with homicide by abuse and assault of a child in the first degree in Skagit County Superior Court.

Each was ordered held Thursday on $150,000 bail.

According to court documents, the couple’s adopted daughter, Hana Williams, 13, was systematically starved, beaten, forced to use an outdoor toilet and sometimes locked in a dark closet for days by the Williams.

Hana Williams was found dead in May – naked, face-down in the mud in her own backyard – after she had spent much of a cold, rainy day outside as a punishment, according to court documents.

Although she died of hypothermia, there were other contributing causes to her death, including severe malnutrition and chronic gastritis, doctors said.

The Williams had adopted Hana from Ethiopia in 2008 as a diseased little girl to begin a new life in America.

Instead, according to court records, she was beaten, starved, forced to sleep in a barn at times and deprived of love and basic necessities.

Child Protective Services said there are reports that Hana had lost a significant amount of weight before her death. And the night she died, she was out in the yard naked on a rainy evening, with temperatures in the low 40s.

Further investigation revealed that Hana had a number of injuries on the night she died, including a large lump on the head, bloody marks and injuries “consistent with disciplinary impacts with a switch,” according to court documents released Friday.

Those same documents describe the hellish life that Hana endured in the months before her death – which included systematic withholding of food, forced times outdoors in the cold or locked in a dark closet, interspersed with regular spankings or beatings with a plumbing tool.

In interviews with the parents and other children in the household, investigators determined that the Williams withheld food from Hana as a punishment for being “rebellious,” court documents say.

In addition, Hana was forced to use an outdoor portable toilet behind the barn instead of the home’s indoor bathroom, and she sometimes was made to take cold showers while naked outdoors under a garden hose, the case file says.

The Williams told investigators that they made Hana use the outdoor toilet because she had hepatitis and they didn’t want any of their other children to become infected with the disease.

Other punishments included locking Hana inside a dark closet for hours or days without food while the parents played the Bible on tape and Christian music for her while she was locked inside, according to court documents.

Hana also was forced to sleep in the barn on some nights or kept outside for hours in the cold without adequate clothing or shoes, court documents say – but she was allowed to wear shoes if there was snow on the ground.

The Williams also confirmed that they used a flexible plumbing tool as a switch to punish Hana and some of the other children in their household.

The children told investigators that Hana sometimes was beaten with a switch for standing more than 12 inches away from where she was told to stand or for speaking without permission.

The Williams’ older biological children were sometimes encouraged to join in administering the punishment by their parents.

A witness told investigators that the Williams got their ideas for the disciplinary measures from a book, “How to Train Up Your Child,” which recommends switchings with a plumbing tool, cold water baths, withholding food and putting children out in cold weather as forms of punishment.

The Williams’ other adopted child, a 10-year-old boy who also was adopted at the same time as Hana, is deaf – and also reportedly showed signs of abuse.

Prosecutors say the first-degree assault accusation against the Williams stems from allegations relating to the boy, who was also from Ethiopia but no relation to Hana.

According to court papers, the Williams also withheld food from the boy at times and switched him regularly – sometimes for not listening to them – even though he was deaf.

After Hana’s death, CPS convinced a judge to pull Hana’s eight brothers and sister – ages seven to 17 – from their Sedro-Woolley home. Those children are all now in temporary foster care. The parents have requested a hearing to fight to get their children back.

This article was found on Reuters.  Pasted here for permanence

Couple accused of starving daughter plead not guilty
By Nicole Neroulias
SEATTLE | Thu Oct 6, 2011 7:37pm EDT

(Reuters) – A couple accused of starving their adopted 13-year-old Ethiopian-born daughter and locking her outside in the cold, where she died from exposure, pleaded not guilty on Thursday to homicide and child abuse charges.

Although investigators found the Washington state couple adhered to a harsh child-rearing regimen prescribed by a controversial Christian parenting book, the prosecutor said Thursday that religion was not relevant to the criminal case.

Larry and Carri Williams, of Sedro-Woolley — a town about halfway between Seattle and Vancouver, British Columbia — were arrested September 29, more than four months after their daughter, Hana, died of hypothermia in their backyard.

A Skagit County Superior Court judge reduced their bail from $500,000 to $150,000 each on Thursday, and barred them from contact with their eight remaining children, who were placed into foster care in July, or with each other.

Each is charged with homicide by abuse in connection with their daughter’s death, and first-degree assault of a child stemming from mistreatment of her adopted 10-year-old brother from Ethiopia.

If convicted each faces a prison term of between 20 and 29 years, according to state sentencing guidelines.

Hana Williams, adopted from Ethiopia by the couple in 2008, died on May 12 after she was found unconscious outside shortly after midnight, in temperatures hovering around 40 degrees, authorities said.

Investigators say the abuse she endured included beatings, starvation, being forced to sleep outside and use an outdoor toilet, and that she had lost a significant amount of weight since her adoption. Prosecutors said the 10-year-old brother was similarly mistreated.

The parents kept the family isolated from non-relatives, home-schooled the children and followed strict religious principles described in the Christian parenting book titled “How to Train Up a Child,” investigators said.

According to court documents, their 16-year-old son told investigators that Hana “was kept in a locked closet and the only light switch was on the outside of the closet. He stated that his mother would take her out every other day to walk and exercise. They played the Bible on tape and Christian music for her while she was locked in the closet.”

But Prosecutor Rich Weyrich insisted that issues of faith were not a factor in the case against the couple. “Religion’s not an element we have to probe. We have to prove that the children were assaulted, tortured and died,” he told Reuters on Thurday.

Larry Williams, 47, who works for Boeing, and his wife, Carri, 40, a stay-at-home mother, were being held in Skagit County Jail.

(Editing by Steve Gorman and Greg McCune)

 

A Closer Look At TTUAC and How It Relates To The Deaths of 3 Children

More bloggers are analyzing the connections between the Pearls’ book, To Train Up A Child and the deaths of 3 children who were being raised by the methods therein.

Free By His Grace tells the story of Hana “Williams” in heart wrenching detail and warns against the teachings of  TTUAC in Hana Williams: “Rebellion” or Reaction to Abuse?

QuicksilverQueen  has started a detailed Book Review of To Train Up A Child and how it relates to the deaths.  In this review she freely shares how being raised by these teachings affected her and what she was really feeling when her parents thought that she was joyously submissive.

Sadie Stein, writing for Jezebel, reports briefly on the Pearls and the deaths linked to their teachings in Another Child “Chastised” To Death.

Kathy Cassel of Cassel Crew explains her concerns with To Train Up A Child in (How Not) To Train Up a Child.  Note that she does believe in spanking but more as a last resort than as a first and/or only tool.

The Disturbing World of The Pearls in which she looks at Doublespeak and Definitions as well as some examples of his abusive teachings.
and The Disturbing World of The Pearls Part 2 in which she takes a look at their heretical Theology.

 

TTUAC linked to Hana Williams’ Death

Fox News has connected the dots and has implicated the book, To Train Up A Child in it’s coverage of Hana Grace’s Death in its article, Book advocating extreme discipline may be connected to deaths of adopted children.

I would like to correct one mistake in the article, Michael Pearl is not Amish.

Now to take on this quote:

In the book, Pearl explains how to use a plumbing tool to switch children starting at age one. Pearl advocates giving cold water baths when potty training, putting children outside in cold weather and having them miss meals, all examples of abuse investigators said Hana endured.

They don’t mention that parents are instructed to use a smaller and lighter switch on children under the age of one.(see question 9)

Now, someone is bound to insist that the rest of this quote is a lie.  Here are quotes from the book, To Train Up A Child which you can read online at www.achristianhome.org/to_train_up_a_child.htm.

So, my suggestion was that the father explain to the boy that, now that he was a man, he would no longer be washed in the house. He was too big and too stinky to be cleaned by the babywipes. From now on, he would be washed outside with a garden hose. The child was not to be blamed. This was to be understood as just a progressive change in methods. The next dump, the father took him out and merrily, and might I say, carelessly, washed him off. What with the autumn chill and the cold well water, I don’t remember if it took a second washing or not, but, a week later, the father told me his son was now taking himself to the pot. The child weighed the alternatives and opted to change his lifestyle. Since then, several others have been the recipients of my meddling, and it usually takes no more than three cheerful washings.

Now, there are some flavors or textures that we just have an aversion for. Allow each child one or two dislikes, just don’t let their preferences be too limited. If a child doesn’t like what is on the table, let him do without until the next meal. A little fasting is good training. If you get a child who is particularly finicky and only eats a limited diet, then feed him mainly what he doesn’t like until he likes it.

I have said before that the Williams took these teachings way further than Pearl ever intended with their adopted children. Notice that Pearl said that washing the child outside 3 times should be enough. The Williams made it into a lifestyle. Also, I have never seen Pearl mention making the child stand outside without proper clothing as a punishment. However, they did follow the teachings correctly with their biological children. If the investigations mentioned in this article should show that the biological children were being abused, this will have serious implications for the Pearls’ teachings.

The Williams are due back in court on Oct 6.

The Williams Arrested For The Death of Hana Grace

We have been following the story of Hana Grace Williams who was found dead outside her home last May.  The only reason this story is of interest to this blog is that the Williams were known to be following The Pearls’ teachings with their children before they adopted Hana and her brother in 2008.  Any link between this death and the Pearls’ Teachings is purely speculation and is covered in this post.  To reiterate and clarify, the Pearls’ teachings do not appear to be directly responsible for this death. Pearls’ teachings do not recommend the kind of abuse which is described in the following articles which I  will warn you now are tragic and very disturbing.

The parents, Larry and Carri Williams, have been arrested, charged with abuse leading to her to death ( as well as the abuse of her brother) and are being held on $500,000 bail. Here are links to news stories which report on this:

Couple arrested, charged with abusing child to death from Goskagit.com

Skagit County couple charged with death of adopted child from NWCN.com (which mentions To Train Up A Child and the plumbing line)

Murder charges for parents who left girl outside from The Seattle Times

Adoptive parents Carri and Larry Williams charged with Hana Williams’ death from Quipshots blog

I will remark that if you read the very disturbing sheriff’s report you will note that the Williams speak of rebellious behavior and when the child was clearly in distress they saw her as “pretending that she couldn’t stand or walk.”  The adversarial mindset which they learned from the Pearls is a dangerous one and while a tenuous link indeed, it is still of interest to myself and other readers of this blog.

I would also suggest that the abuse of Hana’s 10 yr old brother does sound very much like what the Pearls teach, except that I doubt that the Pearls would suggest one punish a child for urinary leakage when there is a known medical cause or for not hearing when he is deaf.  If you read that entire report  you will see many of the Pearls’ teachings referenced, however, even I will admit that they took these teachings were taken to extremes which the Pearls did not intend.

Edited to add:
Washington state couple charged in adopted daughter’s death from Fox WXIN

This article contains an interesting quote:

The investigation into the Williams family, including whether the biological children were abused, was continuing, she added, adding that the process can take months.

As far as I could tell, they were following the Pearls’ teachings pretty closely with the biological children so if they should determine that they were abused, this could have serious implications.

The Pearls’ Book NOT Banned in New Zealand (Working on Amazon)

New Zealand’s Censorship Compliance Unit has decided not to ban nor restrict Michael and Debi Pearl’s book, To Train Up A Child, according to this article in the Marlborough Press.  While I don’t believe in book banning, it seems to me that if a country has that policy, this book should fall into that category and I am a bit confused as to how they reached their decision.

I do believe in encouraging book sellers to stop selling offensive books and so does  Milli Hill at Peaceful Parenting who explains why Amazon should stop selling books which promote Child Abuse, especially To Train Up A Child. This piece includes a long quote from Debi Pearl in which she explains how one should use the switch on a child under one year old.

Note: The petition to which she links is the same one to which I link in my side bar. If you have not signed it, please sign it and share the link. Thank you.

The Effects of Spanking – Part 3 *Sensitive*

(Part 1)  (Part 2)

In the last piece I discussed one of the major effects of spanking, which is denial.  We also looked at repression and the continuum of violence against children.  If a swat or light slap on a child’s hand or bottom is intended to cause pain to the child, then it is a form of violence against the child just as it is for adults.  Children are not sub-humans, and do not deserve to have pain inflicted upon them because they are unable to behave like adults.  As we’ve seen in my last two series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” and “The Christian History of Spanking,” God never intended us to spank our children.   This series further proves this as it is showing the very harmful effects of spanking children—even if it’s done “lovingly” and by Christian parents.  In this piece, I will be discussing how spanking effects empathy, anger, and aggression in children and adults.

Empathy—“That Child Needs a Good Spanking!”

We hear the above statement, “That child needs a good spanking,” by many advocates of spanking as if they have no empathy for what the child is actually experiencing or the pain a “good spanking” will cause the child both physically and emotionally.  As we saw in Part 2 of this series, many pro-spankers were spanked/abused as children themselves but have repressed their pain and are now in denial that hitting children does in fact cause harm.  This denial can often, and does indeed, lead to a lack of empathy when it comes to children as well as other adults.

So, what is empathy?  Empathy is the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes.  The ability to share in another’s joy or pain.  An example of this is when a close friend gets hurt in some way, and because we can share in his or her pain, we want to do anything we can to help ease his or her pain.  We may not completely understand how our friend feels, but we know what it is like to hurt.  As Christians, we share in Christ’s sufferings (Romans 8:17; 2 Corinthians 1:5; & Philippians 3:5).  Even though we do not know exactly what it was like for Christ to be beaten and then nailed to a cross in order to bear all of humanities’ sins, just thinking about it breaks my heart, humbles me, and fills me with gratitude for Him.  The Bible also says that we are to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” in Romans 12:15.  Empathy is obviously important to God!

Despite empathy being important to God as it allows us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44 & Luke 6:35), which is not easy to do, we are not born with empathy.  Empathy is learned.  Yes, due to our sinful nature we are born with a tendency towards selfishness.  An infant is not capable of empathizing, but this is not because of purposeful sin as some Christian pro-spankers believe.  This is because an infant’s brain is not developed enough to allow the infant to think beyond his/her world.  This does not mean that the infant is evil!  This just means that infants are not at that developmental stage, and won’t be for four or five more years (or longer if these children are not treated with respect and gently told about other’s feelings).  The young brain is designed by God to first learn what the child’s body can do.  The first three months infants are learning exactly how their bodies work.  In fact, infants and toddlers are in Jean Piaget’s first stage of his Cognitive Development Theory, which is Sensorimotor Development.  While children this age do learn a great deal through social interactions, all of their learning is happening through their five senses and movements.  Piaget and Inhelder (1969) state, “We call it the ‘sensorimotor’ period because the infant lacks symbolic function; that is, he does not have representations by which he can evoke persons or objects in their absence” (p. 3).  Infants do not have a strong concept of self.  That begins to develop as infants grow into toddlers.  Late in the first year of life, infants begin to discover that they are separate beings from their parents.  All throughout the first year infants discover that they can make things happen.  “The emergent self is the sense of familiar experience of the body and of the familiarity in the way others respond to those experiences” (Fogel, 2011, p. 202).  During the second year of life, toddlers’ sense of self develops much more.  They now know that they are independent from their parents.  Toddlers are really discovering exactly who they are outside of their parents.  They have a very strong desire for independence even though they are way too young to handle much independence as the very thing that they so strongly desire is also often very overwhelming for them.  This is why toddlers have so many “behavioral issues.”  Actually, these “behavioral issues” are developmentally appropriate as they discover who they are, how they fit within their families and their world, and try to strike a balance between dependence and independence.  For this reason, toddlers are still focused on themselves, although, they are a bit more aware of others and may comment when they see or hear someone cry.  They may even try to comfort the person who is crying.  However, toddlers will think the reason the other person is crying is for the same reason they cry.  “A happy and well-adjusted little girl, watching a lion roar in the zoo, reflected: ‘He’s roaring because he wants to eat me for breakfast.’  She could not imagine that the lion had his own private reasons to roar” (Lieberman, 1993, p. 179).  Let me make myself clear.  Infants and toddlers are very aware of their parents’ emotions from birth and are affected by them.  But this does not mean that infants and toddlers can empathize with the parents.

Young children from birth until somewhere around the age of four or five years are what Piaget calls egocentric.   Again, this may be due to our sinful nature but it does not mean that young children are evil.  God designed children exactly how they are.  There’s a reason He made young children egocentric probably for survival in this harsh, sinful world.  “Piaget referred to this feature of early thinking as ‘egocentrism,’ not because children are selfish but because they understand an event subjectively, through their own reactions to it.  Their understanding of the relation between cause and effect is centered on their own capacity to make things happen.  As a result, young children react to an event in terms of how it affects them.  In other words, children reason by applying to themselves the real or imagined consequences of an event” (Lieberman, 1993, p. 179).  This is why young children have a very hard time sharing with other children.  They can’t imagine the other child wanting the toy as much as they do.  I will be discussing how to appropriately teach young children empathy, and how to encourage turn taking in my next series.

Since empathy is a learned behavior, how does the use of physical punishment affect the development of empathy in children?  If we read books and comments written by pro-spankers, whether they are Christian or non-believers, there’s always a certain sense of coldness and harshness as they try to convince others that spanking is an absolute must for raising respectful and/or godly children.  They may try to sugar coat it by explaining how to spank “lovingly,” but it is still harsh as they also use seemingly harsh Bible verses that are taken completely out of context to back themselves up.  In fact, the very phrase that I discussed in Part 2 of this series, “I was spanked and I’m okay,” further shows not just denial, but a lack of empathy.  They assume that because they are “ok” after being spanked (hit) as children, that the same will be true for all children.  This seems very egotistical.  Also, when they read about someone who isn’t ok after being hit as a child, they often blow off that person and/or say that the person’s parents didn’t spank “the right and lovingly” way.  I continue to hear the exact same argument from pro-spankers that if spankings are done “the right way,” then no emotional harm is done to the child.  Only research and the very actions of pro-spankers show otherwise.  All spankings are harmful to children!  This is true when it comes to empathy.

Given the fact that children are naturally egocentric, when we hit children in order to teach them a lesson, children focus on the pain, fear, and anger they are feeling from being spanked, and therefore are unable to truly internalize the message.  Yes, parents may tell the child before and after the spanking why he/she is being spanked, but the child does not truly hear the parent’s words.  Pain does stop the behavior temporarily, but pain highly interferes with the learning process as children are more focused on the pain than anything else.  Yes, children may act like they truly understand why they were spanked, but this is simply to please their parents in order to avoid further spankings.  Many parents spank when children are “malicious” or disrespectful such as when a 3-year-old hits his brother or sister.  He gets spanked for hitting, which makes no sense because children can see clearly that hitting and spanking are the same — only adults “spank” — but being spanked for hitting does not teach him how to appropriately interact with his siblings.  He may be forced to apologize to his sibling, but he is so focused on how he was hurt that he is unable to even try to learn how his sibling felt when he hit him/her.  This hinders the development of empathy in the child.  “One of the most enduring consequences of corporal punishments—and yet one of the least appreciated and studied—is the stifling of empathy and compassion for oneself and others” (Greven, 1992, p. 127).  Yet, God requires us to be empathic and compassionate with other people.  “If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent” Matthew 12:7.  (see also Hosea 6:6; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12).  As Greven (1992) states, “The ability to put oneself in the place of others and to understand how they feel and experience life, and the ability to grasp sympathetically both their suffering and their joy is one of the greatest human achievements” (p. 127).

Sadly, as their parents, the very people who are supposed to be loving and teaching them empathy, purposely and intentionally hurt their children the children begin to develop immunity to empathy.  They are so focused on their own pain and how to avoid being physically punished that they are unable to fully grasp or appropriately relate to other’s suffering and pain.  We see this mostly in adults who were physically punished or harshly punished in other ways grow up to become pro-spankers and advocates of spanking.  But, we can also sometimes see a lack of empathy in children.   On August 20, 2011 Amy shared with me how being spanked caused her to struggle with a lack of empathy throughout her childhood.  Amy stated:

“I personally struggled in my childhood with empathy. I would often spank my younger siblings even when I was very young. I would get angry with them and erupt just as my parents did with aggression, and would act out a spanking ritual on my younger sibs. Then afterwards I would feel little to no guilt or remorse. I felt justified since that was how adults resolved their issues when they became angry at me. I had lost sight of an ability to empathize with my siblings who most unfortunately were getting doubly spanked. I was also unable to make friends because when I became angry I would become aggressive. It really does change the course of one’s attitude and in a strange twist of fate there ability to know or trust oneself.”

It is clear that Amy’s parents taught her a “lesson in indifference to suffering” (Greven, 1992, p. 127).  Going back to all of the books written by pro-spankers, as I said, they all lack empathy and compassion for children.  In fact, they advise parents, especially mothers, to stifle their empathy and natural desire to protect their children in order to “discipline them with the rod.”  Here is one such example of an advocate of spanking telling mothers to stifle their empathy in order for their children to be spanked:

“J. Richard Fugate, an advocate of the rod, recognizes the impulse toward empathy and compassion in some parents, especially mothers: ‘A mother naturally cringes at the thought of switching her own child.  The reality of intentionally inflicting pain, especially in using a rod that can make a mark (which will quickly go away), goes against the natural tendency to protect, comfort, and nurture her child.  Uninformed mothers may even try to interfere with the father’s proper use of a rod.’  His advice is for mothers to think of the long-term consequences of their use of the rod in obtaining the obedience of their children, however much they may feel the need ‘to protect, comfort, and nurture’ their children” (Greven, 1993, p. 127-128).

I find this quite interesting as throughout the Bible God says He will love, nurture, and protect His children.  Yes, there were times in the Old Testament when God got angry with people for turning their backs on Him, and yet, He would always have compassion on His people.  He created mothers with a natural instinct to nurture and protect her child.  Just as He made young children egocentric, He also made mothers nurturers and protectors of their children.  This is all for survival in a world that is broken by sin.  God is love.  I can’t imagine the Holy Spirit instructing parents to ignore their God-given instincts in order to intentionally inflict pain on their children.  In fact, God command us to take off our sinful nature and put on love and peace.  “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry…Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” Colossians 3:5, 12-14.  What pro-spankers don’t seem to understand is that it is our sinful nature that allows us to intentionally inflict harm on children and other people.  Pro-spankers rely on the same 5 or 6 rod verses in Scripture to justify allowing their sinful nature to inflict pain on their children, and then further justify it by saying they comforted the child after the spanking.  I would like to ask you, if you’re a pro-spanker, do you actually feel the Holy Spirit jumping for joy inside you while you’re hitting your child?  Do you feel that warm glow we feel when God is pleased with us while your child is crying out in pain from you?  These are tough questions, but if we are honest with ourselves, the answers to these questions is no.  We may think that after we spank our children and are busy loving and comforting them that God’s pleased.  However, is that really the Holy Spirit or is it a combination of endorphins being released as well as our minds trying to justify our actions?  Some Christians reading this may not have a strong sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.  After all, how do we know it is the Holy Spirit speaking to us?  First, one must be a born again Christian in order for the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you.   “Therefore I want you to know that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit” 1 Corinthians 12:3.  Second, the Holy Spirit never tells us to do anything evil.  Everything that the Holy Spirit tells us is good and glorifies God.  Thirdly, everything the Holy Spirit tells us to do will not only benefit us, but will benefit others.  I will be discussing Godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow in a future piece on guilt and shame, but for now, I want to point out that the Holy Spirit always promotes Godly sorrow in that we are more concerned about how our mistakes affected others and/or our relationship with God instead of how our mistakes have affected us.  Therefore, the Holy Spirit encourages empathy, peace, and love, which are the fruits of the Spirit of which Galatians 5:22 speaks.  The Holy Spirit does not promote pain and violence in Jesus’ Name!  In fact, the Holy Spirit reminds us of Christ’s teachings, which are peaceful and gentle.  “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” John 14:26.  Finally, Scripture warns us not to do anything that will “grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” Ephesians 4:30.  Since we must stifle empathy, compassion, and gentleness when we spank (hit) our children, this grieves the Holy Spirit.

Another reason physical punishment hinders the development of empathy in children is that it does not show respect for the body, mind, feelings, and spirit of the child.  Therefore, the child does not learn to respect his/herself or others.  Thus, the cycle of physical punishment/abuse, which are one in the same (see Part 2), continues unless the person recognizes that it is wrong and against God’s Will and works against it.  Also, physical punishment causes children to become passive, which, despite what many Christian pro-spankers say, is not good!  This can lead to children not getting the help they need both in and out of school.  It also leads to apathy.  Greven (1992) states,

“Equally enduring are the apathy and passivity so often experienced by children who are physically punished and abused.  Ruth and Henry Kemp point out: ‘Another outstanding characteristic of young abused children is their compliance and acceptance of whatever happens.  They are passive and obedient, even when in the hospital they are required to submit to painful procedures, or when in the process of an evaluation they are taken away from their parents by a stranger.  They will remain in uncomfortable positions for a long time if asked to do so, or sit quietly while their mothers talk for a long time.  That this truly is compliance is proved by their gradual growth of assertiveness and resistance, if they are removed to a more permissive environment’” (p. 128-129).

This may sound great to some parents.  Who wouldn’t want an easy, compliant child.  But what people such as the Pearls fail to understand is these children are not truly happy.   They’ve learned to stop feeling, to stop caring about themselves and others in order to survive lest they get beaten again.  This is no way for anyone to live, much less a child.  In severe cases such as these, children do not learn empathy at all as they are so focused on just surviving.  This is exactly what happened to Phil E. Quinn.  Quinn (1988) begins my stating the fact that “Empathy makes us so uncomfortable with someone else’s suffering that we are motivated to do something about it.  Parents unable to empathize with the hurts of their children are likely to do little to relieve the suffering” (p. 55).

Quinn goes on to describe how he never learned empathy as a child due to the severe abuse he endured throughout his childhood.  He explains:

“Empathy is learned most easily in childhood.  The tragedy for me, as for many others, is that I was never provided the opportunity to develop empathy.  My childhood was spent trying to survive—not only the abuse, but my own incredible feelings.  I was too preoccupied with my own feelings to be concerned about those of others.  It took all my concentration and effort to avoid being overwhelmed by a childhood that threatened almost daily to destroy me.  Even at the age of twenty-three it was difficult to vicariously experience what someone else might be thinking or feeling” (Quinn, 1988, p. 55).

Due to not being able to learn empathy as a child, it wasn’t until he started having children that Quinn was force to teach himself how to be empathetic towards his children.  Quinn (1988) states:

“Like other survivors of child abuse, I tended to measure the suffering of others—particularly my children—by my own experience.  If what they seemed to be experiencing fell within the range of my own negative experience, then no empathetic response would result.  Like all children learning to walk and run and play, my children would occasionally fall down and skin their elbows and knees.  Also like most children, they would turn to me for comfort.  At first.  But after a while they stopped coming to me for comfort.  Why?  I was totally oblivious to their suffering!  Seeing their little skinned elbows and knees provoked no emotional reaction in me at all…To be an effective parent, I literally had to resensitize myself to the experiences of my children; to realize that skinned elbows and knees do hurt and that it was important to respond with empathy and caring.  It took time and conscious effort to develop these empathetic skills, but I made it” (p. 55-56).

Sadly, not everyone is as successful at retraining themselves to become more empathetic towards others; especially towards their children, as Quinn was.  Denial and repression often set in making one oblivious to the need to have more empathy.  Then satan further hardens our hearts by having us read books and articles that say children must be spanked in order to become God-fearing adults.  Since children learn by example and experience, it can sometimes be difficult to break out of the cycle of using physical punishment/abuse with their own children.  After all, “If it was good enough for my parents and me, they reason, then it is good enough for me and my child.  It is one way to parent, or at least it is the way it has always been done in my family.  This is one reason abused children tend to become abusive parents” (Quinn, 1988, p. 56).  It is clear that children are learning more through their parents’ actions towards them than by their words.  Parents can tell their children until their blue in the face that violence is unacceptable, but if they are hitting their children in order to drive home the message, the children will get the exact opposite message.  Children are too focused on the pain to internalize a message of peace and love from their parents’ words.    Thus, the age old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” is quite true when it comes to children!  “From the research of Straus and others, we’ve learned quite a bit about the effects of spanking. We’ve learned that spanking teaches kids that hitting others is morally correct. In other words, hitting is okay if the other person is doing something wrong and won’t stop it” (Sprain, 2000, http://www.parentingthoughts.org/Spanking.htm).

Children will often imitate how their parents treat them and other people.  When they see and/or experience adults hitting children, they will often act it out during play either with a doll or a sibling.  “The mom of one of my patients once told me that she thought she had to spank her child to be a good disciplinarian  – until one day she observed her 3-year-old daughter hitting her younger brother. When the mom intervened, the daughter said, “I’m just playing mommy.” Obviously, there was no more spanking in that house” (Sears, 2010, http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-spanking—-yay-or-nay).  I have witnessed similar situations in which a physically punished child hits their sibling during play.  They really have no idea why what they did was wrong nor do they understand how they’ve hurt their sibling.  “Spanking sabotages empathy. A child is likely to haul off and hit another child without considering whether his actions are going to hurt the other person” (Sears, 2010, http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-spanking—-yay-or-nay).

Finally, there have been Facebook postings in which people joke about how they were spanked and it didn’t affect them.  Here’s an example of one such post.  “I have to laugh at people who are against spanking… My parents whipped my butt like there was no tomorrow… I didn’t hate them… I didn’t have trust issues with them because of it… I didn’t fear them… But I darn sure respected them! And I learned what my boundaries were and knew what would happen if I broke them… I wasn’t abused… I was disciplined… *Re-post if you got your butt smacked and survived it… God put extra padding back there for a reason*” (Dulce de Leche, 2011, http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/08/i-spanked-my-dog-and-he-turned-out-fine.html).  Like Dulce, I am sickened and saddened by the harsh, mocking tone of such a post as if being hit and/or hitting a child is not serious.  It also further proves that pro-spankers lack empathy and compassion.  To truly believe that children need a “good whipping or spanking” in order to learn limits and boundaries shows a lack of regard for the fruits of the Spirit, the child’s feelings and dignity, and for people who were spanked and did not turn out “just fine.”  Yes, children who are physically punished/abused can learn empathy, but it is much more difficult for them, and they often learn it from someone other than their parents.  The research and actions of pro-spankers clearly demonstrates that physical punishment/abuse limits the development of empathy in children.

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD” Leviticus 19:18.

In the next section of this piece, I will be discussing how spanking/abusing children often leads to anger and aggression at some point in their lives.  Also, the physical punishment/abuse in the Name of God often leads some to become angry with God and/or the church.

Anger and Aggression—“I refuse to follow a God that promotes and inflicts violence!”

The above statement, “I refuse to follow a God that promotes and inflicts violence,” saddens me greatly.  I have been hearing it a lot lately from non-believers after the airing of the interview with Michael and Debi Pearl from No Greater Joy Ministries on CNN a few weeks ago.  The parents of Lydia Schatz were convicted of murder after beating Lydia to death by following the Pearl’s child training “wisdom” found in their book, To Train a Child.  We will be discussing how people—including those that grow up in Christian homes—can become so angry that they reject God forever.

As we saw in the previous section on empathy, a lack of empathy makes becoming angry and aggressive with others—especially with children—much easier.  After all, as we saw above, some pro-spankers tell parents to suppress their God-given instinct to love, nurture, and protect their children in order to inflict pain on them in the name of “godly discipline.”  Empathy works to inhibit anger and aggression in people (Quinn, 1988).  People who lack and/or suppress empathy and compassion are much more likely to believe that spanking children is perfectly fine.  The reason for this is that being hit by one’s parents not only makes one feel weak and helpless, but it also teaches the child that the stronger adult is allowed to hit the weaker child.   Children are never allowed to defend themselves during spankings lest they endure further spankings with possibly even more force being applied by the parents.  These memories are stored either consciously or subconsciously in their minds.  When these children become adults, many of them crave the power that they lacked as children; therefore, misusing the power they now have over their children.  “Only now, when someone weaker than they is involved, do they finally fight back, often quite fiercely.  There are countless rationalizations, still used today, to justify their behavior” (Miller, 1994, p. 16).

Anger and aggression are two very common effects of physical punishment/abuse with children because children have a very black and white view of justice and fairness.  Even when children are spanked the “right, loving” way, anger and aggression pop up as they try to cope with the confusion and unfairness of being intentionally hurt by their parents who are supposed to love them.  Greven (1992) states, “Being assaulted violently in the name of discipline invariably produces anger and often rage in children, just as it does in most adults” (p. 123).  Because young children cannot express their anger verbally due to a limited vocabulary, they will often act out aggressively.  Also, some children may become more defiant as a way to seek revenge for being hit by their parents.  “In fact, research shows that children who are spanked tend to grow defiant and aggressive” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 78).  Despite what many Christian advocates of spanking claim, the anger, aggression, and the other harmful effects of physical punishment are actually worse when it is done in the Name of Jesus!

There was a study done in 2003 to see if it was indeed more harmful to use physical punishment within a religious or non-religious context.  Psychology professor, Bette L. Bottoms, at the University of Illinois in Chicago, conducted psychological tests on two groups of subjects.  One group experienced physical punishment/abuse in the name of religion.  The other group experienced their physical punishment/abuse in a non-religious context.  The results were clear.  The subjects who had experienced physical punishment/abuse in the Name of God “more severely suffered from such psychological problems as depression, anxiety, hostility, and psychotic personality disorders” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 31).  Heimlich (2011) goes on to state:

“In that study, Bottoms opines as to why abuse involving religion might be more traumatic than abuse in which religion is not a factor: ‘Religious contexts and justifications may add an additional layer of complexity and harm to the experience of child physical abuse… We speculate that there is an additional sense of betrayal involved and much internal cognitive dissonance and perhaps guilt as victims deal, not only with the physically abusive actions, but also with the confusing relation of the actions to religion, which they are taught to believe and follow’” (p. 31).

This is further illustrated by MC’s experiences as a child.  MC was brought up in a Fundamentalist Christian family where spanking is used quite commonly as parents are taught that God “commands” that children be spanked.  MC was spanked by his father on his bare bottom throughout his childhood with his father using his hand, belt, or paddle.  As a child, MC repressed his anger because he was taught that he deserved to be hurt by his father for disobeying; that his father spanked him because he loved him; that the spanking was for his own good; and that God commanded his father to spank him as this was a sign of love.  While there were occasions where MC did get angry as a child due to his own spanking or friends and siblings being spanked, much of his anger cropped up when MC became a young adult.  He found out that everything he had been taught as a child were all lies.  He felt betrayed.  In an electronic message sent on August 28, 2011, MC conveyed the following to me:

“The main out-let of my anger is unfortunately the church. The church may not have personally whacked my bare skin with a paddle or belt, but they certainly passed along the false teachings that caused my father to do it. I resent the teachings and practices of the church I grew up in, and I resent any Christian organization that passes along, or accepts, such teachings today. My blood boils when I think of how what the church taught impacted my sexual development, leading to an orientation that eroticizes spanking. If my orientation is a sin, then the church helped lead me into that sin by passing along their pro-spanking message. I also find it difficult to trust the church; and as much as I have tried to separate my anger at the church from God, I sometimes find myself unable to trust God, and often feel angry at God. I feel like the church failed me, and now my relationship with God is strained and filled with tension.”

How very sad that MC struggles with anger for the church and with God because of the pain he experienced as a child.  This is quite common of people who have been hurt in the Name of God.  How can a child grow up to truly trust in the Lord when He “wanted” the child to be hurt for his/her sin?   I find it interesting that so may Christians truly believe in spanking to discourage their children from sinning and lead them to God, but we’ve been seeing throughout my series that the opposite seems to happen in most cases of physical punishment.  “Some parents even believe that it is their Christian duty to administer physical punishment—to build character, discourage sin, and instill a sense of submission and obedience to the will of God, as represented through parental authority.  They take what God has created in his own image and refashion it so their children will grow up to be just like them” (Quinn, 1988, p. 156-157).  Many Christian and non-Christian pro-spankers constantly claim that spankings done “lovingly” are never harmful in any way to the child, this obviously is not the case.  Look what Quinn (1988) goes on to say, “My adoptive parents told me hundreds of times, during the endless beatings, that they loved me.  If that was their way to love, they very nearly loved me to death” (p. 157).

Olivia grew up in England in the 1950s when physical punishment was rarely questioned.  She was physically punished regularly as a child.  On August 27, 2011, Olivia shared with me via electronic mail how angry she felt whenever her parents would hit her.  It was even worse if her dad tried to be loving afterward.  Here’s what Olivia stated:

“I would be in my room say, and Dad would go and fetch his large slipper with the leather sole…..  yelling of course… he would wrestle me over his lap while he sat on my bed, pulling my panties down while pinning both my hands with one of his above my head … while I told him and begged him to stop to no avail.  He would then use that pinning technique with one leg to make sure I couldn’t get away .. and then start spanking.  Down would come that leather slipper over and over on my bottom .. while I screamed the place down ..  I was terrified, ANGRY, I hated him.. them… How DARE he/she hit me ??  How DARE they hit anyone???  On and on it would go .. not just say 10 strikes .. but on and on.  Honestly I don’t know how long.  All I know was that I was left a seething angry/distraught mess, almost ‘thrown’ onto my bed, to stay there until I was ‘ready to come down and behave’.  Most of the time I stayed there.  A lot of the time I was told to stay there as further punishment.  [He tried once.. with the 'oh we love you' and tried to cuddle me ... I was having none of it... I couldn't bear him near me.  I hated him!  How DARE he want to hold me and tell me he loved me !! HE was LYING ... how could you hit and hurt someone like that and then tell them you LOVED THEM ???  ... that is how I felt then!]  How did I usually feel??  I … distraught ..is not strong enough… I really do NOT have the words.  As I have said before, I learned fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment.   I really DID hate them at that time.  I prayed to God to send me away.  [A common threat to children in those days was to be 'sent to Boarding School' which was supposed to be a terrible place]  I prayed that they WOULD send me to Boarding School because I was never in trouble at school, my teachers all liked/loved me!  I can remember blubbering bubbles and snot and almost being sick with the .. anger  the .. fear…. the … unfairness… the …. audacity of it for hours… My bottom bright red and again with white streaks where the slipper had fallen.  Or my mums fingers… hard, hot ridges…  I was always asking to go and stay with my paternal grandparents for ‘the weekend’ or a week … my grandmother was only too pleased to have me … and I think she knew why from the way she spoke to me.   My mum never knew .. but there were a few times.. when although I was only perhaps… 8 – 11 … I went out into the night when she was asleep and sat on the front garden wall .. sobbing at the stars and moon and sky.  Begging God to help me.   This would have been HOURS after being spanked .. and after her bedtime… “

Again, while Olivia sought comfort from God in most cases throughout her childhood, the very thing that was supposed to help discourage sinfulness in her actually was what created her anger, hate, and resentfulness towards her parents who thought they were doing the right thing.  I wonder if some pro-spankers are not only in denial and lack a certain amount of empathy, but are also so filled with anger that they get revenge by twisting Scripture around in order to justify hurting their own children.  After all, “Beatings, which are only one form of mistreatment, are always degrading, because the child not only is unable to defend him- or herself but is also supposed to show gratitude and respect to the parents in return.  And along with corporal punishment there is a whole gamut of ingenious measures applied ‘for the child’s own good’ which are difficult for a child to comprehend and which for that very reason often have devastating effects later in life” (Miller, 1994, p. 17).  Sadly, the devastating effects that Miller is describing are the very ones that keep the cycle of physical punishment/abuse continuing.

While some research shows that an occasional spanking done “lovingly” is a bit less harmful (we will discuss spanking “in love” more in-depth in a future piece), it is still damaging as it teaches children to equate hitting with love.  This creates a higher risk for domestic violence as children who were hit grow into teenagers and adults.  Simons, Lin, and Gordon conducted a research study in 1998 to see if physical punishment did indeed increase the risk of dating violence later on.  They studied 113 boys in rural Iowa that were in 7th grade and/or were 13-years-old.  They asked these boys’ parents how often the boys were spanked, and how often a belt or a paddle was used to administer the spankings.  The questions were repeated in three intervals during this five-year study.  Over half of the boys in this study experienced physical punishment during these five years.  “Consequently, the findings about corporal punishment apply to the majority of boys in that community, not just to the children of a small group of violent parents” (Straus, 2006, p. 201).  During this study, the boys were also asked if they had hit, pushed, or shoved their girlfriends in the last year during a disagreement.  The boys were asked about any other delinquent acts they may have been involved with as well.  The study took into account whether the boys’ parents were loving, consistent, and supervised their children.  Here are the findings from this study:

“Simons and his colleagues found that the more corporal punishment experienced by these boys, the greater the probability of their physically assaulting a girlfriend.  Moreover, like the other prospective studies, the analysis took into account the misbehavior that led parents to use corporal punishment, and also for the quality of parenting.  This means that the relation of corporal punishment to violence against a girlfriend is very unlikely to be due to poor parenting.  Rather, it is another study showing that the long run effect of corporal punishment is to engender more rather than less misbehavior.  In short, spanking boomerangs” (Straus, 2006, p. 201).

Yet another study done with young children shows that corporal punishment “was associated with an increased probability of a child assaulting the parent a year and a half later.  Thus, while it is true that corporal punishment teaches the child a lesson, it is certainly not the lesson intended by the parents” (Straus, 2006, p. 200).  Some pro-spankers claim that consistently spanking does not make children any more aggressive than other children, and that the key is to be consistent.  I must challenge this because there are just too many other studies showing the opposite to be true.  Also, if physical punishment does not create an aggressive tendency in children, then why do a great deal of these children grow up to follow in their parents’ footsteps?  It just does not line up with the research or the societal norms.  While I will be discussing “lovingly” hitting children in a future piece, I want to share what Wendy conveyed to me about how it was when she was in grade school.  Corporal punishment was allowed during the time she was in grade school.  However, there still was a great deal of aggressiveness at the school.  Here is what Wendy observed as written via an electronic message dated August 27, 2011:

“Since physical punishment was used both at home and at the school I went to from K-4, violence just seemed like a normal way to solve problems. There was some concern about aggressive behavior, but not enough knowledge at the time to realize that spanking might not be the best response to it.”

Katie also went to a Christian grade school where corporal punishment was used.  However, the teachers and principal were not allowed to spank the children if they were angry.  Here are Katie’s thoughts about seeing calm teachers spanking children at school as conveyed to me via an electronic message on September 3, 2011:

“I can tell you that at our DND schools the teacher who was angry wasn’t supposed to spank – it was meant to be an “impartial” teacher to administer a “reasonable” beating. I was a good girl and never got hit at school though. I thought it was creepier to have someone who wasn’t angry do the hitting – it seemed worse to me than someone who had lost their marbles. Calculated.”

It seems that spanking children “in love” is worse than being hit in anger.  Either way, hitting children teaches them how to behave aggressively and violently towards loved ones.  It also can teach children to submit to domestic violence.  In a study written in the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2010 examined 2,000 families to see if the use of physical punishment with 3-year-old children was related with physical violence used between the parents.  Over half of the 3-year-olds in this study had been spanked at least once during the previous month.  The results of this study showed that “The odds of using physical punishment doubled in households where parents used aggression against each other.  This is not surprising since physical punishment is a form of interpersonal aggression” (Lopez-Duran, 2010, http://www.drmomma.org/2010/09/why-spanking-is-never-okay.html).  Sadly, most hitting of children begins at the extremely young age of 1-year-old, with some infants being hit before they are even a year old.  Infants never understand being hit!  This is far beyond their comprehension.  It is the same for toddlers!  Research shows that “children who were spanked at age 1 had more aggressive behaviors at age 2 and performed worse on measures of thinking abilities at age 3” (Thomas, 2009, http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/early-spanking-increases-toddler.html).  And finally, in yet another study that was done to see if spanking infants and toddlers made them more aggressive as they got older, “Slade and Wissow found that, compared with children who were never spanked, children who were frequently spanked (five times a week) before age two were four times more likely to have behavioral problems by the time they started school. (Slade E., Wissow L. Spanking in Early Childhood and Later Behavior Problems: A Prospective Study of Infants and Young Toddlers, Pediatrics, vol. 113, no. 5, May 2004)” (Klebanov, 2011, http://www.examiner.com/parenting-in-san-francisco/the-ministry-of-michael-and-debbie-pearl).  It is clear that physical punishment does increase aggression in children.

A great deal of pro-spankers claim that the world is much more violent than it was back in the “good old days” because children are being spanked less.  They believe that children who are not physically punished are not as respectful.  These two claims are actually incorrect.  “Straus (1994) and Gershoff (2002) report that over 90% of parents still report using corporal punishment on their children” (Couture, 2007, http://stophitting.blogspot.com/2006/01/back-in-good-ol-days-and-other.html).  Sadly, the majority of children today will be hit at some point during their childhoods.  And in Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking,” I show how respect differs from fear as many people equate fear as respect when actually fear is much different than respect.  In reality, the world is no more violent than it was 100 years ago.  A hundred years ago, there was the Civil War and other wars, slavery in which a great deal of slaves were often beaten, Colonists were taking over Native American land—killing entire tribes.  There has always been a great deal of violence in our world with Christians doing a great deal of it.  Ever since Adam and Eve sinned, there has been violence as violence is due to sin entering the world.  The only true difference between now and then is that we are almost constantly exposed to violence thanks to media.  Besides sex, violence is a common theme in our movies, television shows, music, and videogames.  Plus, the news is constantly reporting acts of violence.  We are so much more aware of violence whereas back then people were not as exposed or aware of the violence that was occurring.  And they could shelter themselves and their children from violence as there was no television or Internet.  Children didn’t watch cartoons or play videogames filled with violent images like they do today.  Children were taught to respect life as many families had to hunt for their food.  Because so many parents have to work full-time in order to survive today, children are being left alone with all this access to violent media with little guidance from busy, stressed out parents.  Research shows that all of this exposure to violence is desensitizing children and adults to violence.  Greven (1992) states:

“’Research has demonstrated that television must be considered one of the major socializers of children’s aggressive behavior.  Two major behavioral effects of heavy viewing of televised violence are: (1) an increase in children’s level of aggression; and (2) an increase in children’s passive acceptance of the use of aggression by others.’  Both aggression and apathy thus are intensified by an immersion in television violence although the roots of both undoubtedly are to be found in the life histories of punishment and abuse of those who view such violence with either indifference or enthusiasm” (p. 129).

It is clear that between being spanked (hit) from young ages and being exposed to so much violence via the media that children are learning that violence is how we solve problems.  And they learn that a certain amount of aggressive behavior is acceptable and even expected in today’s society.  However, Jesus is very much against any type of violence.  Look what He says in Matthew 11:13, “From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been subjected to violence, and violent people have been raiding it.”  Not only does this show that Jesus is against violence, but that violence has always been in the world.

Since aggression and anger are closely related as they feed off of each other, I would like to conclude this piece by taking one last look at anger.  While anger can be used in a productive manner, it is often allowed to fester, leading to rage, bitterness, and resentment.  Scripture warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).  Jesus also gives a very stern warning in Matthew 5:21-26 about allowing anger to get out of control.  He also tells us to be quick to reconcile with each other in this same passage.  As we’ve seen throughout this section that physical punishment often creates a strong feeling of anger in children even if it is done in the “correct, godly, loving way.”  As we saw with MC, anger may not appear until the child becomes an adult.  Anger is a common response to being hurt in any way.  As Greven (1992) states:

“Anger is a child’s best (and often only) defense, for it arises out of a powerful sense of self, a self being violated and abused by painful blows and hurtful words.  The child has been hurt on purpose (bolding for emphasis done by Steph) by an adult in order to teach a lesson in discipline, but the child experiences this pain and reproach as an assault upon the self as well as upon the body.  Often the result is not only anger but also hatred and a powerful desire for revenge, which often takes the form of imagined mutilation or murder of the person who inflicted the pain.  These powerful emotions are permanently stored in unconscious memories, but sometimes people also remember them quite consciously, years after the events that provoked the feelings” (p. 124).

As I’ve said many times in all of my series, if God truly wanted us to hit our children in order to “discipline” them, why didn’t He provide us with more instructions?  And since the rod verses quoted by pro-spankers are so general, then why does hitting create more sin in our children instead of less sin?  In fact, as we shall see in a future piece, hitting children in Jesus’ Name can and does lead some children to become so angry with God for “making” their parents inflict pain on them as children.  Anger is one of the most powerful emotions that we have.  If spanking is so right and godly, then why do adults still deal with the anger created in them from being spanked by their Christian parents?  Here is yet another story of a child being hit by his father who was a pastor, and after many years, still vividly remember the anger he felt towards his father:

 “When in his early fifties, Edmund Gosse recalled in his famous autobiography, Father and Son (1907), his one encounter with corporal punishment as vividly as if it just happened.  Gosse was the only child of two intensely apocalyptic parents, English members of the sect of Plymouth Brethren.  He recollected: ‘It was about the date of my sixth birthday that I did something very naughty, some act of direct disobedience, for which my Father, after a solemn sermon, chastised me, sacrificially, by giving me several cuts with a cane.  This action was justified, as everything he did was justified, by reference to Scripture.’  Gosse also had vivid memories of his own reactions and feelings to this encounter with corporal punishment.  He recollected ‘being made, not contrite or humble, but furiously angry by this caning.  I cannot account for the flame of rage which it awakened in my bosom,’ he wrote, but added that ‘I have to confess with shame that I went about the house for some days with a murderous hatred of my Father locked inside my bosom’” (Greven, 1992, p. 124).

Some may say that it is a child’s will that causes the child to become angry and aggressive after a “godly” spanking.  I must disagree with this because a “godly” spanking is supposed to help rid the child of sin, but instead, it sows a seed of sin into a child’s heart.  It is obvious that this is not what God intended!  This is why Jesus warns against causing children, and anyone weaker, to sin in Matthew 18:6-9 and Mark 9:42.  This is also why Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 commands parents not to embitter their children.  Yes, a lack of discipline causes children to sin and become embittered.  But so does physical punishment and other types of harsh punishment.

As I mentioned, we’ll be seeing that using physical punishment in Jesus’ Name causes some children to abandon their faith altogether, in a future piece due to their anger.  Going back to CNN’s recent interview with the Pearls, authors of To Train a Child, that I began this section with, many non-believers have been leaving many angry comments on Christian websites that advocate against the Pearl’s teachings and the use of any type of physical punishment saying, “I refuse to follow a God that advocates and promotes violence!”  After hearing about the abusive and deadly teachings of the Pearls, who truly believe that their teachings are ordained by God, atheists and other non-Christians have been absolutely tearing apart God’s Word by taking certain verses and passages completely out of context in order to show how violent and bad God is.   They are angry because instead of seeing our true God, they are seeing an evil, hateful god.  They are not seeing God’s amazing grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness because we Christians are not doing well with showing our broken world God’s love for them.  Matthew 5:13-16 states, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”  We are supposed to be the salt and light over the world in order to bring people into the Kingdom of God, but yet, we hit children in God’s Name; murder people in God’s Name; say, “God hates fags;” while appearing to act better than others.  It really is no wonder so many people are rejecting God, and are so against Christians.  They are getting a completely inaccurate view of who God is from the very people who are representing Him.

This anger is causing people to perish because they refuse to come to Him for salvation.  This is not what God wants at all!  He loves everyone so much and is not willing that any should perish (2 Peter 3:9).  It is clear from all of the research and personal stories that children remember being physically punished and abused more than parents realize.  Do we really want our children to grow up to be angry, un-empathetic people who become aggressive toward weaker people?  Or do we want our children to grow up displaying the fruits of the Spirit in order to help turn more people to God that they may know His wonderful peace, love, and joy that we can only get through a personal relationship with Him?  It’s up to us!  Please open your hearts to the Truth!  God does not promote, condone, or command the use of physical punishment with children.  Please open your eyes and look around the world in order to see what is happening because precious children are being hurt.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” Romans 12:17-19.

 (Continued)

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