Abuse | Why Not Train A Child?

Responses to the CNN Story

August 19, 2011 By Hermana Linda 4 Comments

Elizabeth Esther follows up on the CNN coverage of the Pearls’ teachings by explaining how these teachings lead to the sickness of Cognitive Dissonance which is what “happens when a teacher, pastor or person in authority advocates abusive methods while simultaneously recusing themselves from the actual, direct results of that abuse.”

She also reminds us that Even God Does Not Break Our Wills.

Wanna Walk Along says that There are No Pearls of Wisdom in the Pearls’ Book on Child Rearing.

Libby Anne explains exactly why she blames the Pearls’ teachings and illustrates it with her own testimony of how these teachings almost killed her brother in Michael Pearl on CNN. Check out the quotes from TTUAC from in the comments.

Created To Be His shared similar thoughts in CNN Investigates Pearls.

Abigail, from Reflections from Beit-Shalom, posts her warning For all the Living Lydias and Seans & Their Parents…

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More Investigation from CNN

August 18, 2011 By Hermana Linda 5 Comments

CNN continues its investigative report of abuse among fundamental Christians and how it relates to the Pearls’ teachings. Jocelyn Zichterman, who was raised in this culture and started Freedomfromabuse.net, explains the concept of Breaking The Will and how spankings must continue until the child submits even if it takes several hours. This video seems to cut suddenly, I’m wondering if this series will continue.

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The Effects Of Spanking – Part 2 Sensitive

August 15, 2011 By Steph 7 Comments

(Part 1)

By now, people have read my very personal story. I can’t begin to put into words how difficult that was for my family and me. As I said in Part 1, the purpose of this series is to explore all of the effects of using physical punishment with children. In this piece, I will be discussing denial as one of the many effects of spanking (hitting) children. I will also share a couple of definitions of physical abuse, and will discuss the continuum of violence against children.

Denial—“I was spanked and I turned out OK”

One of the many, and most visible if one looks closely enough, effects of spanking and physical abuse is denial. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism to any traumatizing or painful event. This is why denial is one of the first steps in the grieving process. It is easier to deny that something very painful has occurred than to deal with the pain head on. How many times have we heard, “I was spanked and I’m okay,” from pro-spankers? Go on the Internet and Google “spanking children,” and we get an array of pro-spankers arguing intensely with anti-spankers about how spanking isn’t harmful. They base their arguments on their personal experiences. They are often quick to become defensive, and even get downright angry, when anti-spankers try to gently point out how and why they are wrong. This is due to the fact that it is very difficult to admit that their parents did hurt them as children, or that they are now hurting their own children. Instead, they come back with the same arguments as to why spanking cannot possibly be harmful. “One reason the harmful effects [of spanking] are ignored is because many of us (including those of us who are social scientists) are reluctant to admit that their own parents did something wrong and even more reluctant to admit that we have been doing something wrong with our own children. But the most important reason may be that it is difficult to see the harm. Most of the harmful effects do not become visible right away, often not for years. In addition, only a relatively small percentage of spanked children experience obviously harmful effects” (Straus, 2006, p. 152-153). Therefore, since the effects of physical punishment are rarely visible to parents and other adults, it makes it even easier to deny that they exist.

Denial begins at a young age when the physical punishment begins, whether it’s “lovingly” done or done in anger because they are taught that physical punishment is something parents do to children, and that it is for the children’s own good. When children grow up being physically punished, they assume that all children are treated this way. Spanking becomes a normal part of childhood until the children become old enough to find out that not all children are spanked. Instead of admitting their parents were wrong, some children have internalized the painful message that they deserved to be hit, and that it was for their own good, that they use denial to deal with their pain. Of course, guilt and shame also factor into denial. I will be discussing guilt and shame in a future piece. Of course, this is often compounded when the child sees that society accepts the hitting of children, and when he/she is taught that God also “accepts” or even “commands” that children be hit in His Name and in the name of “discipline.”

I like how Alice Miller, author of For Your Own Good, explains how denial can begin to develop in children when force and coercion are used with them from a young age. Miller (1994) states,

“We justifiably resist new exhortations if moral demands were frequently imposed upon us at too young an age. Love of one’s neighbor, altruism, willingness to sacrifice—how splendid these words sound and yet what cruelty can be hidden in them simply because they are forced upon a child at a time when the prerequisites for altruism cannot possibly be present. Coercion often nips the development of these prerequisites in the bud and what then remains is a lifelong condition of strain. This is like soil too hard for anything to grow in, and the only hope at all of forcibly producing the love demanded of one as a child lies in the upbringing given one’s own children, from whom one then demands love in the same merciless fashion” (p. 8-9).

We can see that the cycle of denial can continue throughout many generations as children grow up denying that their parents mistreated them by hitting them, and therefore, treat their children the same way that their parents did. Also, “Children do not want to be a burden to their parents, nor do they want to be the cause of pain and suffering” (Quinn, 1988, p. 44). The passage from Miller reminds me of the parable Jesus taught about planting the seed (God’s Word) in different soils in Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23. If the seed doesn’t fall on good, healthy soil, then it cannot take root. When children are taught from a young age that physical punishment is a normal part of life in the parent-child relationship, it can be very difficult for them to accept the Truth later on that this indeed is not normal or even correct.

Going back to the idea that God “approves” of parents hitting their children, the children begin to believe that they are somehow evil, dirty, and that they deserve to be punished for their sins despite the fact that Jesus Christ has already paid the penalty for humanity’s sins. For example, Lisa, a contributor of the Broken Daughters website shared her story. She grew up in a Fundamental Christian home. When, as a toddler, she began displaying developmentally appropriate (typical) behaviors for her age, her parents sought the advice of their pastor. Their pastor convinced Lisa’s parents that Lisa’s developmentally appropriate behaviors were actually from the evil one and were sinful, and that her parents needed to harshly physically punish Lisa for them in order to free her from satan’s influence. By then, Lisa’s parents had been reading other books such as To Train a Child in which the same advice was echoed. In her story on the Broken Daughters website, Lisa describes the first time her parents beat her as a toddler. Yes, she clearly remembers it despite being so young. But what caught my attention even more and made me even sadder is what Lisa says after describing this horribly traumatizing experience. She writes, “This wasn’t my only beating and by far not my severest, but it is one of the most prominent ones in my mind. It is hard for me to see the injustice in this until today. I was a bratty child. An evil child. That’s what I learned all my life. I find it hard to say that my parents beating me back then was wrong. I have been told by outsiders that it was, but it’s still a concept hard to grasp for me” (Lisa, 2011, http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/18/training-up-this-child-–-part-2-who-let-the-dogs-out/). It is clear that Lisa, like many other children who are physically punished from young ages and throughout their childhoods, internalized the message that she deserved to be beaten for her sinful behavior, and finds it difficult to completely renounce her parents’ treatment of her even though she is fighting against the denial.

As I previously mentioned, children are quick to pick up on the societal and cultural norms in which they live. Children, when made to feel safe and un-judged, will admit that physical punishment is indeed quite painful emotionally in addition to physically. “In 2006, the final report was published of the UN Secretary-General’s Study on Violence against Children, the first comprehensive global study into the nature and extent of the problem. The Independent Expert leading the Study, Professor Paulo Sérgio Pinheiro, wrote in the report: ‘Throughout the study process, children have consistently expressed the urgent need to stop all this violence. Children testify to the hurt – not only physical, but ‘the hurt inside’ – which this violence causes them, compounded by adult acceptance, even approval of it’” (Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children-FAQ, 2011, http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html). However, due to the fact that societal and cultural norms accept the use of physical punishment with children, compounded by the fact that even God “accepts” this, children’s cries for help go unheard, thereby, convincing children that this must be a good thing. We’ve seen in my historical series that children haven’t been valued as they should, though, there have been some improvements along the way. But sadly, society still tends to take the side of the adult rather than the child, thus, making the child feel as if he/she has no choice but to also take the side of the adult or otherwise face possible, or even more rejection, from the family, society, and God. “Society takes the side of the adult and blames the child for what has been done to him or her. The victimization of the child has historically been denied and is still being denied, even today. This denial has made it possible for society to ignore the devastating effects of the victimization of the child for such a long time” (Miller, 2010, http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).

Repression often coincides with denial as part of denial is repressing painful events in order to not to have to deal with them. Children are taught, even forced, at very young ages to repress their negative feelings. For example, many great, loving parents will often shush their baby when the baby cries. Or, parents will tell the infant, “You’re okay.” These parents mean well and are doing their best to comfort the infant, but they are actually teaching their child that crying and having negative feelings are bad. For some Christian pro-spankers, they will go so far as to spank infants for crying too much. As children get older, many Christian pro-spankers such as James Dobson, Tedd Tripp, the Pearls, and Roy Lessin tell parents to spank the child again if they cry too long after the first spanking, act angry, or try to defend themselves during the spanking. In his book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tripp (1995) states, “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him, how much it grieves you to spank him, and how you hope that it will not be necessary again. Then if he is still not restored, you are to check your own spirit to see if you have handled him roughly… [or] brought unholy anger on this holy mission, and if you have, seek forgiveness from God. If your child is still angry, it’s time for another round, ‘Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking’” (p. 149). Lisa, who I previously mentioned, was spanked for being in a bad mood one day. She writes on the Broken Daughters website:

“So, on that one day, I was in a very frustrated, grumpy mood. I barked at my siblings. I didn’t do my chores as thoroughly as I should and normally did. Come dinner time, I sat on my chair with a sour face, poking around in the mashed potatoes and not really eating. My mother told me to straighten up, which I did only half-heartedly. My dad asked me what happened, and I told him I didn’t know, I was just feeling a bad mood. Silence. Chewing. Let’s get over it.

After dinner, I was quick to clean up the dishes with my mom. I wanted some alone time. I was trying to carry the dishes as fast as I could. In my hurry, I dropped a glass. That wouldn’t have been a big deal on its own. But my mom was so stressed – so stressed. She started yelling at me, yelling away her day’s worth of frustration. After a few minutes of this, my dad came storming out of the living room, yelling at us both for disturbing his peace. My mom started crying and yelled back at him that I was impossible to raise and she needed him, that he was never around to be the strong leader he would like to be. That pushed my dad over the edge. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room. I heard my mom yell behind me that when I got back, she wanted a happy child and not this grumpy lump of clothes I was. My dad pulled me into the kid’s bedroom, got his cane off the closet and started beating me in fury. I was screaming my life out. My siblings started crying outside. My dad ran to the door, grabbed the first child he could get a hold of, which was Jacob, pulled him in too and gave him a spanking as well” (Lisa, 2011, http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/training-up-this-child-part-5-the-pearl-song/).

Sometimes, as children grow up learning to repress and deny the pain in which their parents have inflicted upon them, they actually begin to idealize their parents. I know two women who were physically punished by their fathers, and to this day, neither women will admit that their fathers did anything wrong. However, their brothers disagree with them as their fathers also physically punished their brothers. “Fantasies always serve to conceal or minimize unbearable childhood reality for the sake of the child’s survival; therefore, the so-called invented trauma is a less harmful version of the real, repressed one” (Miller, 2010, http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller). The fact that, as I mentioned previously, so many pro-spankers, Christian and non-Christian alike, get so defensive whenever someone tries to lovingly point out the Truth about spanking and that it is harmful only further proves the harm. We usually only get defensive and upset when we don’t want to admit we are wrong, or when something is painful. It can be quite difficult to face facts rather than holding onto what we have been taught to believe from a young child. The Bible tells us that God speaks to us in a still, small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13). Look at what God says in Isaiah 30:21: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” How can we hear God speak to us if we don’t allow Him to help us undo the denial and repression that our parents inflicted upon us because their parents did the same to them and so on? If we choose not to listen to God and allow Him to break free from this denial and repression, then the cycle of abuse, physical punishment, and the use of other degrading methods of punishment will continue. As Alice Miller (2010) states, “As beaten children are not allowed to defend themselves, they must suppress their anger and rage against their parents who have humiliated them, killed their inborn empathy, and insulted their dignity. They will take out this rage later, as adults, on scapegoats, mostly on their own children. Deprived of empathy, some of them will direct their anger against themselves (in eating disorders, drug addiction, depression etc.), or against other adults (in wars, terrorism, delinquency etc.)” (http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller). If we don’t allow God to truly work in our lives, satan will attack us. Condemnation, denial, and repression are from satan. Please pray to God for help if one of your first reactions to this is defensiveness as satan may be attacking you. God forgives and does not condemn.

Is All Hitting Violence Toward Children?

There seems to be a continuum of violence when it comes to spanking children. Imagine a line (one will be in my book to help make this clearer) and on the left hand on the line/continuum is a light slap or swat on a child’s covered bottom or on the child’s hand. As we move toward the right side of this continuum, we have severe beating that leave the children seriously injured or dead. In the middle of the continuum are things such as hitting the child’s bottom a few times with an open hand, hitting child’s bare bottom with an open hand, using an object to hit child’s bare bottom, and so on. Many people see absolutely no problem with the light hitting that is on the left side of the continuum as that is often considered “loving discipline” and a parent’s duty in raising children. But as we move towards the right side of the continuum, most people would agree that beating children to death is wrong. In the middle of the continuum is where arguments within the pro-spanking community often begin as they don’t agree where the line between “discipline” and abuse should be placed. As Phil E. Quinn (1988) points out in his book, Spare the Rod, “Contemporary society tends to believe that some hitting of children is good and acceptable as a parenting technique—but certainly not all hitting. The good hitting, we euphemistically call spanking. The bad hitting, we call child abuse. The dilemma, as always, is, Where does spanking end and beating begin? For too many parents, a spanking ends when bleeding begins” (p. 19).

There are some definitions at which I would like us to take a look. First, let’s look at the definition of the word spank:

1. Verb: “to strike (a person, usually a child) with the open hand, a slipper, etc., especially on the buttocks, as in punishment.”
2. Noun: “a blow given in spanking; a smart or resounding slap” (www.dictionary.com).

Here is the definition of the word hit:

1. Verb: “to deal a blow or stroke to.”
2. Verb: “to come into violent contact with” (www.dictionary.com).

Here is the definition of the word abuse:

“Abuse is defined as any thing that is harmful, injurious, or offensive. Abuse also includes excessive and wrongful misuse of anything” (Gulli & Nasser, 2002, http://www.ask.com/health/galecontent/abuse).

As we can see these definitions are quite similar to each other. Many pro-spankers try to claim that spanking and hitting children are two completely different things. Yet, we see that the only difference between the definitions of hitting and spanking is that spanking says it is done on the child’s buttocks. Other than that, there is no difference. When we look at the definition of abuse, we see that it is any thing harmful or offensive. Because spanking and hitting is always intended to inflict pain on a child, it is covered under the definition of abuse. Pain means harm is being done to the body. As I pointed out in Part 1 of my series, “The Christian History of Spanking,” the body uses pain to alert us that injury is either taking place or is about to take place. Plus, there is emotional pain that always occurs when a person—child or adult—is hit against his or her will. That’s why we run away from both physical and emotional pain. It isn’t fun unless one needs it for sexual pleasure, which we will discuss in a future piece of this series. There are two more definitions of abuse that we need to consider. The first is by Phil E. Quinn.

Quinn (1988) defines abuse as “any assault, whether verbal, sexual, or physical, or any deprivation of basic health and welfare necessities—regardless of severity, parental intention, or observable effects on the child” (p. 18).

The second definition of abuse we need to look at is by Alice Miller. Miller (2010) defines abuse as “Humiliations, spankings and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away” (http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).

I understand that these definitions will upset many people because no parent wants to think that he/she is or has abused his/her children. And most grown children do not want to think that their parents abused them. This is very painful and difficult to face and accept. But, all of these definitions are meant to be preventive. They are not meant to condemn anyone. However, if we allow light hitting of children, then light hitting could easily, and usually does, lead to more severe hitting—even if it is totally unintentional. The reason for this is that children tend to build up a tolerance to spanking depending on their personalities. So, a light slap on the hand or bottom might work well for a toddler, but is usually not effective enough for a 3 or 4-year-old. But children deserve the same rights as adults when it comes to being hit. If we lightly slap another adult against his/her will, we can be arrested and charged with assault! It shouldn’t matter how old or big someone is, he/she should be protected from having harm inflicted on him/her by another person. It should not be left up to parents how much pain can be inflicted on their children because “children can be subjected to an incredible amount of pain and suffering before our perception of parental prerogative changes to one of parental abuse” (Quinn, 1988, p. 19).

Conclusion

The effects of spanking/abuse are very real otherwise people wouldn’t need to get defensive when their beliefs that spanking is not harmful. Look at any article on the Internet such as, Judge has harsh words for Mom before sentencing her for spanking her kid, and we see many angry comments from pro-spankers about how good spanking is. This is denial as it is too painful for some people to admit that hitting children is wrong and causes harm. Yet, their comments only testify to the harm that spanking causes. Repressing, denying, and projecting the pain from spanking/abuse only causes the cycle of physical punishment to continue. God never intended this for His children—big and small, young and old! We must face the Truth, even when it hurts, and walk into the Light instead of stumbling around in the darkness. “Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God” John 3:19b-21.

(Read Part 3)

Reference:

Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children. (2011). FAQ. http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html

Broken Daughters-Lisa. (2011). http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/18/training-up-this-child-–-part-2-who-let-the-dogs-out/

Broken Daughters-Lisa. (2011). http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/training-up-this-child-part-5-the-pearl-song/

Gulli & Nasser. (2002). Abuse. http://www.ask.com/health/galecontent/abuse

Miller, A. (1994). For your own good. New York, NY: The Noonday Press.

Miller, A. (2010). How is emotional blindness created? http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller

Quinn, P. E. (1988). Spare the rod. Nashville, TN: Aboington Press.

Straus, M. A. (2006). Beating the devil out of them. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.

Tripp, T. (1995). Shepherding a child’s heart. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press.

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Arguments Tagged With abuse, Alice Miller, Anti Spanking Links, Broken Daughters, definition of abuse, denial, Dr. James Dobson, effects of spanking, I was spanked and I turned out OK, pain, Paulo Sérgio Pinheiro, Pearls, Phil E. Quinn, repression, Roy Lessin, scapegoats, Shepherding A Child's Heart., Tedd Tripp, violence

The Effects of Spanking Part 1 Sensitive

August 15, 2011 By Steph 4 Comments

What are the effects of spanking? Is it true that as long as one does it the “right, loving, godly” way that there are no harmful effects to the child? Are the research studies claiming that spanking is harmful biased and inaccurate? What about the studies claiming that not all spankings are harmful? These are just a few of the questions I will explore throughout this series. We have already explored why Scripture or God does not support using physical punishment with our children despite what many Christian pro-spankers say. We have read many stories of parents trying to do the right thing for their children, but harmed or killed them in the process all because satan had tricked them into believing that using physical punishment was what God wanted. In this series, we will hear from many who were spanked as children and how it affected them and their relationships with God. If God hasn’t spoken to hearts in my previous series, I pray He will with this series. Please, allow God to speak to you as you read this series. He will not condemn you.

My Story

I have touched on my story here and there throughout my series, but I haven’t actually told my story until now. What I am about to write is quite difficult for me. Parts of it my own husband didn’t even know. But I am trusting God to use my pain for His Glory. I grew up in a non-active Christian home. We had Jesus figurines and the Ten Commandments on the wall, but we didn’t go to church. I had Bibles and Bible storybooks, but God was not emphasized. I was born with severe Cerebral Palsy. When I was born, I did not breathe for roughly 40 minutes. The doctors were about to give up on me but my dad about punched one of them and told them not to give up on me. I’m grateful God did not let my dad allow the doctors to give up on me. God had/has a plan for me.

I have three half-siblings. We grew up with my parents with my siblings visiting their mom every other weekend. My childhood was, overall, okay. I had a lot of love for my parents and they loved me. They raised me as “normally” as possible despite my severe physical disability. I have a lot of happy memories with my mom and my dad (my dad died in 2003 of a massive heart attack) and would not trade them for anything. They believed in me and encouraged me to be all that I could be. And they fought hard to make sure I got the services and education that I needed and deserved. I will always be grateful to them for that!

But, my childhood also had a very dark side. My dad had quite a temper at times. My first memory of his temper was when I was quite young. I was no more than 3 or 4 years old and we were eating supper. I do not remember if it was my mom or me that made him angry, but I remember him throwing my plate of food on the floor and my mom and him fighting. My mom held me as they fought and he kept throwing stuff. I just remember screaming and crying as I buried my head into my mom.

I do not remember the first time my dad hit or got rough with me. I seem to remember a man hitting me at my mom’s workplace. I do know who did it. All I remember is fussing in a playpen and being hit rather hard. Being hit was a common occurrence throughout my childhood by my dad. Due to my Cerebral Palsy, I have a great deal of spastic, involuntary movements. If Dad felt I wasn’t doing my best to relax and cooperate during my care, he’d get angry and hit me or get rough with me, forceful. I remember being afraid to be left alone with him sometimes if I knew he’d have to do something with me in which I had trouble relaxing. My mom always came to the rescue when she heard me crying with him. Once he hit me in the face while giving me a shower for a reason I cannot remember, and Mom came in and when she saw the red mark on my face, she was so angry with Dad. She finished giving me a shower and showed Dad my face, and yelled at him. The mark didn’t last more than an hour or so. Due to my dad’s violent temper, my mom could not exercise any control over him. He would not listen to anyone.

I remember Dad hitting me a few times for actual misbehavior, but I tried not to push him that far. My siblings are all older than me and I saw how Dad treated them when they did something wrong, so all he had to do was yell and I’d cry. Sometimes he’d tell me not to cry or else. One time, he made a wooden paddle with holes in it to use on my siblings. Although he never used it on me, I was absolutely terrified of it.

Despite all of this, I was a happy child for the most part as well as extremely determined. I did not act up all that much. However, outside of the fear that I had, I also dealt with some aggressiveness. I’m not sure if anyone knew this, but, though I’ve always loved children, as a child, I remember sometimes hitting them on purpose as they walked by at my babysitter’s house. I was between 5 and 7 or 8 years old at that time. This makes me sad, but I would always hit the younger ones. Thankfully, I didn’t hit them for very long before I stopped on my own. Believe it or not, I never got caught hitting the children. And I didn’t enjoy it all that much. I believe it was my way of dealing with being hit and seeing my siblings get hit even worse than I did. Another way I remember dealing with the aggression was when I was playing with my Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I had one named Elroy that I’d pretend got into trouble a lot. I would yell at him (quietly since I’d sometimes cuss) then spank him hard. After I’d spank him, I’d hold him and pretend to comfort him. I don’t know why but I believe I only did this routine with that doll. I had many Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I think my mom may have picked up on this some, but I was obviously good at hiding my aggressiveness.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not spend every waking minute terrified of my dad. I loved sitting by him in his chair. I loved playing with him and going places with him. When I was little, I also wanted him to put me to bed because he also made me feel safe at times. That’s how parents are; no matter how badly he hurt me, I still loved him and knew he’d protect me. I also missed him so much when he went away on business trips. Even though I was relieved that I didn’t have to worry about making him angry during the time he was away, I still counted the days until he’d come home and was so excited to see him when he arrived home. I truly loved my dad.

Dad ended up driving my siblings out of the house when they were teenagers. My siblings all rebelled and lived hard lives. Two of them have managed to get past the abuse and have created good lives for themselves now. The other is still struggling. After my siblings left, my parents divorced as a result of my dad’s continuing violent temper. I was in 7^th grade at the time. I was very upset about the divorce, but I also remember being relieved that I no longer had to worry about making him mad until the visits, as I’d visit him every other weekend. I remember soon after visiting him I realized that Mom could no longer rescue me when he got angry with me. I truly believe that my mom thought Dad would be better with me since he didn’t get to see me as much. Also, Dad would have probably fought hard if he had not been given visitation rights, making things worse for me. I soon began always dreading the weekends spent with him. On the Fridays before I visited him I’d get a sense of sickening dread as people told me to have a good weekend as I left school. The week visits were also anxiety producing. But I never told anyone exactly how I felt due to a sense of shame. I also loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. I actually would have been more upset if I were kept away from him. And, of course, fear. He could also make one feel very guilty. When he did hit me or get rough with me, he would apologize, especially after the divorce. I believe he truly was sorry most of the time. The older I got, the more I dealt with anxiety and depression. While I don’t attribute all my anxiety and depression to my dad as I had a lot of other issues going on, I am sure some of it was indeed due to him.

My mom wasn’t perfect but I was never afraid of my mom. As I said in Part 3 of “The Christian History of Spanking,” she only hit me once when I was 13 for a misbehavior that I could control. Of course, it really upset me, but it helped that she felt bad aftersward. Most of the time she just put me in my room for misbehavior. In general, I was well-behaved. I respected her most of the time. She truly was a wonderful mom to me as she sacrificed so much for me. She’d take me shopping, we’d go to Chicago with her boyfriend, and she made sure I had everything I needed. We are still close today.

I did go through a rebellious stage between the ages of 13-15 where I wanted to get drunk, high, and have sex like a lot of my friends were doing. Thankfully, God kept me from being able to do that due to not being able to be left alone or sneak out. If I could have, I definitely would have just as my siblings did. Anything to forget the pain and fear and to be “normal” like everyone else. At that point, I probably would have stopped visiting Dad regularly, but my disability left me no choice. I do remember getting angry with him and hitting him back during one visit during this age range. He didn’t do anything, thankfully.

I came to Christ at the age of 15 thanks to another one of my babysitters. Going to church with friends was a huge comfort to me. I felt God’s love for me and I know He is how I survived the rest of my childhood because Dad did not stop hitting me until I was 17 and I was the one who finally got up the courage to make it stop. My husband and I actually began dating when I was 17. We hid our relationship from everyone for several months as he is older than me. Besides Jesus, he is the best thing that ever happened to me! We emailed for a couple months before going on our first date. Believe it or not, he was one of my dad’s best friends and was a part of my life since I was a young child. He was younger than my dad and was nothing like him except for being a Ham radio operator and enjoying camping. My husband had no idea that my dad was abusive to my siblings and me. See, my dad knew how to make himself look good and would tell people how “hard” his life was. I believe very few people knew the truth about who my dad really was. When I told my mom about my husband and me, she was concerned but not upset. She took it a lot better than I thought she would. We didn’t tell my dad until I was 18 because we were afraid of his reaction; especially me, though no one completely knew why, my husband included. It wasn’t until 6 months into our relationship that my husband finally found out exactly who my dad was.

I suffered from low-self esteem back then with the abuse, not being able to do the “normal” things that teenagers do, being hurt by guys my age who couldn’t see past my disability, people telling me I would never accomplish my goals and dreams that I had set for myself, etc. I’m certain that I would not have survived without God and then my husband. As my husband became my boyfriend my during my senior year of high school, he showed me that I was beautiful and worthy of love. Being hit throughout one’s childhood usually ruins one’s self-esteem. Well, pile that with disability and others putting one down, and one’s got even less of a sense of worth. Yet, I was a good actor, so no one but God knew exactly how much I struggled. As my husband loved me, I got stronger. Then one weekend in May, I’d had it. I was especially spastic that weekend and he hit me and got rough with me for the last time. When I arrived home from Dad’s house after the weekend, I immediately broke down and told my mom. She was very sorry and understanding. She said that I did not have to go back to my dad’s. She held me as I cried. Then I had to tell my husband. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do except for writing this. See, being hit always brings a sense of shame no matter from whom it comes or how it’s done. I felt like I was always partly to blame. I should have been better to prevent it. I really didn’t know how my husband was going to take it. I didn’t want him to beat Dad up nor did I want him to think I was somehow defective either. He was quite upset that my Dad had been hitting me. He had no idea. And yes, he wanted to beat up my dad but didn’t.

After my 18^th birthday, we told everyone about our relationship. My dad refused to accept it. In my opinion, he disowned me. I also believe that he couldn’t handle the truth about the abuse finally being out. I reached out to him several times but he absolutely refused to admit he was wrong about anything. We invited him to our wedding in 2003, but he refused to come. He did send us a card. It hurt that he refused to accept me or apologize. Then, three months after our wedding, he suddenly died. At first, I thought he had gone to Hell, but later found out he was a Christian even though he never acted like one. The year after his death was Hell for me. At first I was very angry mixed with sadness. I remember looking at his picture at the memorial service and being so angry with him for leaving and hurting his children yet again. Then the severe anxiety set in. I was having many, many panic attacks. I thought I was going to die. My doctor put me on Zoloft, which made it even worse. I just couldn’t deal with the pain while getting used to married life and living on my own for the first time. And I couldn’t talk about it because it was too painful. Finally, God led us to the program called, Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Lucinda Bassett. By doing that self-help program, I began to heal.

I still deal with anger and anxiety issues. My husband doesn’t get angry often, but it always makes me anxious when he does and raises his voice, though, he has never and would never hurt me. Sadly, I hit him in anger when we were first married, which made me very angry with my dad for creating that aggressive tendency within me. It’s never happened since then. I also still have nightmares once in a while of Dad hurting me. I never tell my husband about those. I also get very anxious and upset when a child is threatened and spanked, even “lovingly.” It hurts me too, so when I see a child beginning to act up in a store or at a gathering, I get tense and pray the child stops before he/she gets spanked.

I have forgiven my dad for everything. I do miss him at times. I’ve forgiven my mom as well, and do not blame her for any of it. It is important for me to note that my dad was physically abused as a child, and that my mom was spanked as a child. Both of my parents had at least Christian mothers. While I do feel my mom did her best to break the cycle of using physical punishment, my dad could not break that cycle of abuse. I also do not blame God for allowing me to go through all that I have because He is using me to help children, which brings Him glory and saves lives. Some of you may read this and think, “Well, that was abuse. If he would have lovingly spanked you, it wouldn’t have harmed you.” I know myself very well, and if my parents would have spanked me in Christ’s Name and told me that this was God’s Will, I would not be a Christian. It would have scared me away from God! People will blow me off and/or criticize me for writing this and this book, but everything that I’ve written is true. Hitting children is harmful no matter how it is done.

This series will show how harmful any form of physical punishment is for all children. May we “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” Ephesians 5:11.

(Continued)

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Arguments Tagged With "right way" to spank, abuse, agression, anger, Anti Spanking Links, Anxiety, Cerebral Palsy, effects of spanking, research studies, spanking dolls, testimony

Another Anonymous Spanking Story

July 30, 2011 By Hermana Linda 1 Comment

Dulce de Leche has posted Another Anonymous Post on Spanking in which the anonymous poster shares about how the spankings her younger brother received affected her.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Anti Spanking Links Tagged With abuse, Anti Spanking Links, Dulce de Leche, effects of spanking, fear, nightmares, secrecy, spanking siblings, strong willed child, testimony

Understanding Biblical Gender Equality

July 26, 2011 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

Hope Abigail Freeman wrote to me saying

…I have written a new book called “Understanding Biblical Gender Equality”, which is free to read online at the website http://www.WalkinTruth.net

It’s brand new, the site just launched recently, and it should be available in paperback soon also. If you take a look you can see, I’m trying to “take back” 3 John 1:4.

I was in a very spiritually abusive relationship, domestic violence situation for 6 years. As soon as I became a Christian I fell into a hole of abusive patriarchy, and it took years of the Holy Spirit working with me to get out of that hole. This book is a compilation of what I have learned from the Bible in that process.

The book takes a very conservative methodology of scriptural analysis, and has a heavy emphasis on helping women to recognize abuse, and that God loves them and wants better for them.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Books, Patriocentric Teachings Tagged With abuse, Domestic Violence, Hope Abigail Freeman, patriarchy, spiritual abuse, Understanding Biblical Gender Equality

Bruises

July 5, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

When is it abuse? Do bruises or the lack thereof have anything to do with it? If so, does it matter where the bruises are? Carissa Robinson considers this in a post called, Hodge Podge.

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Links Tagged With abuse, Anti Spanking Links, bruises, Carissa Robinson, hearts, hidden sins, permissive parenting, sin

Letter to a family considering ATI

June 30, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Robin shares her experiences with ATI (Bill Gothard’s teachings) in this Letter She Wrote to a Family Considering ATI.

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Filed Under Patriocentric Teachings Tagged With abuse, ATI, authority, Bill Gothard, Cult, Darcy's Heart-Stirrings, dress code, exclusion, exposé, false teachers, fruit of the Spirit, heresy, hypocrisy, legalism, never good enough, rebellion, spiritual abuse, testimony

Another Letter To A Pastor About Spanking

June 22, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Dulce de Leche shares a letter someone wrote to her pastor about her experiences with spanking and why she does not believe it should be preached from the pulpit. She shares her testimony of what it was like to be spanked and how it effected her. She also looks at the blurred distinction between spanking and abuse. This letter may be triggering so it is not for the faint of heart.

On a similar note is this post on The Journey about The Sexual Effects of Spanking.

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Links, Letters Tagged With abuse, Anti Spanking Links, corporal punishment, Dulce de Leche, effects of spanking, letter, sexual abuse, sexual disorders, testimony

TTUAC and Child Abuse

June 21, 2011 By Hermana Linda 9 Comments

Robin of Heart of Wisdom has a nice synopsis of the Dangers of the Pearls’ teachings in Pearl’s To Train Up A Child And Child Abuse. This is a good post for sharing as it contains the Action News Report as well as quotes from TTUAC and a lot of links for further study.

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Filed Under Links about the Pearls, Schatz Tagged With abuse, Deaths, Mainstream News, Pro-Spankers, quotes ttuac, Schatz, The Pearls' Teachings, ttuac

Religious Child Maltreatment

May 9, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Janet Heimlich has written a book, Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light On Religious Child Maltreatment (Prometheus Books, 2011), which is due out June 1. More information on her website. If anyone reads this book and sends me a review of it, I will be glad to post it here.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, Breaking the will, Janet Heimlich, religious child maltreatment

When The Child Abuser Has a Bible

May 5, 2011 By Hermana Linda 1 Comment

In Dec of 2010 The Official Newsletter of the National Child Protection Training Center featured an article entitled, When the Child Abuser Has a Bible: Investigating Child Maltreatment Sanctioned or Condoned by a Religious Leader. They mention To Train Up A Child by Michael and Debi Pearl in the footnotes and include a quote from Beth Fenimore’s open letter to Roy Lessin, How Spanking Changed My Life (Note: this story is very graphic and might be triggering for some. Use your own descretion.)

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Filed Under Mainstream News Tagged With abuse, beth Fenmore, National Child Protection Training Center, Pearls, Roy Lessin, sexual abuse

Does God Want Us To Break Their Wills?

May 3, 2011 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

Elizabeth Esther has done a post for Rachel Hold Evens which discusses the idea that Even God Does Not Break Our Will.

Along the same lines, The Wartburg Watch has reposted a letter from Bob Dixon explaining Why He Finally Left Sovereign Grace Ministries After 30 years.

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, bob Dixon, Breaking the will, Christian liberty, control, Elizabeth Esther, freedom, grace, IFB Churches, infants, Pro-Spankers, SGM, Sovereign Grace Ministries, spiritual abuse, testimony, The Wartburg Watch

Old Case of Spanking Caused Renal Failure Discovered

April 26, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Under Much Grace has discovered information of a case from 2002 of a boy being “disciplined” into Renal Failure. Disclaimer: this is not the case of parents disciplining their child, this is a case of 22 yr old men disciplining a young boy for way too long and ending up in jail. One later wrote a book about his jail experience and how he continued to serve the Lord in jail. The whole story is very disturbing on many levels.

She also has an article exposing the dangerous teachings of Ron Williams of Hepzibah House. He is very clear in his teachings, actually using the term, “beat,” and advocating starting in infancy. Here is a quote:

As soon as the child begins to express his own self-will (and this occurs early in life) that child needs to receive correction. My wife and I have a general goal of making sure that each of our children has his will broken by the time he reaches the age of one year. To do this, a child must receive correction when he is a small infant.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, Bob Jones III, Hephzibah House, IFB Churches, infants, Joshua and Caleb Thompson, renal failure, Ron Williams, Schatz, Under Much Grace

Wartburg Watch and IFB

April 21, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

The Wartburg Watch Focuses on Independent Fundamental Baptist Churches this week. So far they have:

Is The Independent Fundamental Baptist Church Any Different Than the Southern Baptist Convention and Sovereign Grace Ministries?

The Independent Fundamental Baptist Church Sounds Like Mark Driscoll and The Rest of Them

Who Do The Independent Fundamental Baptists Say They Are?

They will probably add 1 or 2 more posts this week so stay tuned.

Also, don’t miss miss this new post from Under Much Grace:

Redeeming Dinah: The Errors of Ron Williams, the IFB, and Gothard’s Esteem of Rabbinical Writing as Holy Writ

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With 20/20, abuse, Bill Gothard, Hephzibah House, IFB Churches, New Beginnings Girls Academy, Pearls, Ron Williams, SBC, Schatz, The Wartburg Watch, Under Much Grace

Heartbreaking Abuse

April 20, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Warning, the first post should not be read by sensitive people:

The Breaking the “Diabolical Will” of Infants in the IFB – Even at Hephzibah House: Pondering Pearl and Lydia Schatz Part VII

There But For Grace: Why Good People Make Dangerous Choices (Pondering Pearl and Lydia Schatz) Part VIII

Humiliation at Hephzibah House: Restriction and Control over Restroom Breaks

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, bathroom breaks, Breaking the will, Cynthia Tobias, Deaths, Hephzibah House, IFB Churches, infants, Pearls, Schatz, strong willed child, Under Much Grace

A Former Trinity Baptist Insider and the 20/20 IFB Story

April 15, 2011 By Hermana Linda 1 Comment

Bob Bixby has posted a statement from Laura Moody, Formally from Trinity Baptist Church, about her relationship with those involved with the scandal featured in the 20/20 story about abuse in some IFB churches. Read the comments for more hashing out of details.

Bob Bixby also has a post addressing Brian Fuller’s comments in that episode of 20/20 and his subsequent blog post. Again, more details are hashed out in the comments.

In an effort to be fair, he links to the Other Side of the Story and discusses the hows and whys of Blaming the Victim.

Under Much Grace reminds us that the 20/20 story “failed to make any mention of the abuses that took place at the IFB’s most infamous boarding house for ‘troubled girls,’ the Hephzibah House of Winona Lake, IN.”

And The Wartburg Watch has a list of suggestions for how churches can better protect the children in their congregations from sexual abuse.

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With 20/20, abuse, Bob Bixby, Charles Phelps, confession, Elizabeth Vargas, exposé, Hephzibah House, IFB Churches, Laura Moody, sexual abuse, The Wartburg Watch, Tina Anderson, Trinity Baptist Church, Under Much Grace

Spanking Infants???

April 12, 2011 By Hermana Linda 1 Comment

Elizabeth Esther posted about the 20/20 exposé of abuse in some IBF churches and interprets Pastor Brian Fuller’s remarks. She explains the teaching of first time obedience and how common the spanking of infants really in these churches. By the way, some of the comments of this blog post seem to have inside information in them.

Also, I want to make it clear that not all Independent Fundamental Baptist Churches have abusive teachings. I am a member of an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church which does not. The pastor often reminds us that salvation is by faith in Jesus and what He did alone and you cannot add anything to that. He reminds us that saying a prayer or baptism or anything else will not save you, you are saved by believing that what Jesus said and did is true. They do believe in corporal punishment but I have never heard of anyone there spanking an infant or using an implement. While they might say that they believe in wifely submission, what I see looks more like mutual submission. I see no signs of the patriarchal movement, most of the women in that church wear pants. They also cut and dye their hair and nobody says a word about it. Women work outside the home and girls are expected to go to college. On top of that, many in the congregation uses public schools. So, I don’t know how extensive the abuse in IFB churches is but I believe that churches need to be considered on a church by church basis. After all, they are independent.

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With 20/20, abuse, Anti Spanking Links, Brian Fuller, Elizabeth Esther, exposé, first time obedience, IFB Churches, infants, mutual submission, Pro-Spankers, Schatz, Trinity Baptist Church, Wifely Submission

The Christian History of Spanking Part 3

April 12, 2011 By Steph Leave a Comment

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 )

Jonathan Wesley (1703-1791) is known as the founder of Methodism, and for the effects he had (and still has) on the education of children and adults. In Part 2, I looked at the child-rearing practices of his mother, Susanna Wesley, whom many Christian advocates of spanking hold up as a model for Christian mothers. Susanna gave John special attention as he almost died in one of the house fires. John deeply loved his mother, and it has been said that he didn’t think he could ever find a woman like his mother to marry. Now, before we say that his mother’s child-rearing practices couldn’t have been that bad if he loved her that much, it is well documented that abused children that have been taken away from their abusive parents will cry and ask, “If I’m really good tomorrow, can I go home to my mommy and daddy?” As I point out in Part 5 of my series called, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” children have a very forgiving nature and love their parents no matter what. That’s how I was with my dad despite his physical abuse. He said he was sorry many times throughout my childhood, and I always forgave him. Now some pro-spankers may argue that there’s a line between abuse and spanking. My dad never left marks on my body, but it was indeed abuse as he’d hit and be rough with me for things out of my control. My mom only spanked me once, and though she never apologized, I forgave her within the week. Though both my parents were wrong for hitting me, I’ve long forgiven both of them and have a great relationship with my mom. So, for all those who claim spankings didn’t hurt them, I must ask that they truly think about how they felt right before, during, and afterwards because when children are hurt by the closest people in their lives, it does harm and hurt, otherwise there wouldn’t be so much denial and controversy over using physical punishment with our children! And if spanking (hitting) children was ordained by God, then there would be NO questions or controversy among Christians and the secular world regarding the amount of harm spanking a child does as Scripture clearly states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 Or that all things work together for good to those who love God, who; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good” (NIV, www.biblica.com). Therefore, it is no surprise that John Wesley loved his mother and chose to care for her during her final years of life.

I want to remind us that my purpose in digging into the history of spanking is not to point fingers or make anyone look bad. My purpose is to show where some of the topics I brought up in Part 1 of this series come from—particularly that they are not from God! Spanking is from man.
John Wesley did much good in his lifetime. It has been said that he would go out into the country and proclaim Christ to the people who lived in those rural places, winning many souls to Christ. He also started Methodism. And many credit him for the creation of Sunday school. He created schools for children in which they studied many of the traditional subjects as well as the Bible. He made sure poor children were able to be educated in his schools as well as girls. Sadly, John followed in his mother’s footsteps when it came to his beliefs regarding child rearing and the education of children. Though John didn’t have any children of his own, we will see these practices in how he ran the schools and in his sermons about children.

First, I want to briefly take a look at common Puritan belief and Calvinism because Susanna and John Wesley’s beliefs seem to fit into this belief system. The use of catechisms was the primary way that the Puritans as well as some other Christian sects taught doctrine during the 18^th and 19^th centuries. They put a high importance on Scripture as authority, which is absolutely correct, as the Bible is an absolute authority given by God. This made literacy training a must for all children. However, “The Puritans accepted the Calvinistic interpretation of total depravity. This belief carried over to their view of children. Out of concern for the souls of little ones, Puritan ministers sometimes preached sermons particularly for and to children. The aim of these children’s sermons was to replace childhood vanity with ‘early piety’” (Reed & Prevost, 1993, p. 275). Now, I’ve pointed out throughout my series that, yes, children are born with a sinful nature as “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23. However, children do not completely understand sin, nor do they purposely sin until they reach a certain age—that age is different for every child. Plus, in the 18^th century children were expected to act like adults as soon as possible. People didn’t have the knowledge and research of typical child development that we do today. Therefore, developmentally appropriate behaviors of young children were seen as sinful. This usually led to the harsh treatment of children despite Jesus never calling for such treatment. People thought young children went to Hell. (See Part 3 and Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” and Part 1 of this series for more information). While children should indeed be introduced to piety at an early age, to expect that developmentally appropriate behaviors be replaced by piety is completely unrealistic and will lead to unnecessary frustration in the child and parent.

Also, during this time period using physical punishment with wives and slaves as well as children was completely acceptable and legal by society. White males were dominant, and anyone weaker or different from them were under their rule and authority. In essence, wives, slaves, children, and servants were considered property of the white male. “We no longer permit the hitting of servants, apprentices, wives, prisoners, and members of the armed forces. All of these were legal until the late nineteenth or early twentieth century… Research on corporal punishment of children can result in information that may speed up the process of bringing children to the same protection members of the military, employees, servants, wives, and prisoners now have” (Straus, 2006, p. 10). Even up until the 1960s, it was totally legal for husbands to hit their wives as long as they didn’t leave a mark or injure her. “Before the late 1960′s, a husband’s slap of his wife was not regarded as an act of abuse. Today, that same act is unquestionably viewed as abusive (society still has a long way to go before wives are equally regarded as batterers for assaulting their husbands). The “spanking” of children is viewed in the same light today as wife hitting was viewed before the 1960′s: NOT abusive by legal standards. Additionally, if an employer “spanked” the buttocks of an employee, it would be grounds for sexual assault” (Couture, 2007, http://stophitting.blogspot.com/2006/01/back-in-good-ol-days-and-other.html). Thus, it appears that children are still considered as property of their parents since parents still have the right to spank them as long as they don’t leave marks on the children. I find it sad that so many Christians seem to have completely missed the message Jesus Christ brought to us. “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” Matthew 7:12. It is interesting that throughout history we Christians have failed miserably in applying the Golden Rule; especially when it comes to how children are treated!

I do not believe that the Wesleys took the Golden Rule into account with their child rearing beliefs and practices. This seemed to have delayed John’s salvation as he did not consider himself a born again Christian until the date of May 24^th, 1738. “Upon arriving back in England, John became involved in a Pietist society organized by Peter Boehler, a Moravian. In 1738, during a meeting on Aldersgate Street in London, John became convinced that salvation came only through faith in Jesus Christ. He called this his conversion, and it profoundly changed his life” (Reed & Prevost, 1993, p. 275). Since so many Christian advocates of spanking hold Susanna Wesley’s child rearing philosophy as a model for Christian mothers, I must wonder why John didn’t actually receive Christ until he was 35 years old. If such a harsh way of parenting our children is supposed to lead them to Christ, or at least make it more likely for them to come to Christ, why did John not feel Christ’s Love until the age of 35? Yes, every child is different, and no matter what we do the child may not come to Christ. But so many Christian pro-spankers seem totally convinced that by spanking children that it will teach them to respect authority and to be fearfully reverent to God and their parents. That if they learn to submit to authority then they will find it easier to submit to Christ. However, submitting to Christ and authority out of fear is much different than submitting out of love, respect, and reverence! While some children who grow up and were “lovingly spanked” by their Christian parents do receive Christ completely, I know of others who seemed to accept Christ at an early age but the minute they left home, they rebelled and fell away from their faith. For example, I once knew a great Christian family who did their best to raise their three children in the Lord. They were quite strict with them. As teenagers they were not allowed to go to movies, dances, or wear two-piece swimsuits. As children they were “lovingly” spanked. They went to church every Sunday, and the children were involved in youth church activities. They prayed and studied God’s Word as a family regularly. These parents did everything in their power to raise their children in the way of the Lord. And while all three of the children accepted Christ as children and were baptized as believers, all three absolutely rebelled against God the minute they left home. Two of them became pregnant the first year after leaving home. One became an alcoholic after leaving home. And what’s worse is that they totally abandoned their faith. Today they’re all married with children, and have semi-returned to their faith as they go to church and occasionally ask for prayer, but Christ is not the center of their lives. I mean we all are sinners and rebel, but to completely abandon our faith as they did the second we leave home sounds like we weren’t spiritually healthy. We are supposed to be free in Christ. Why then do so many children raised in strict Christian homes feel the need to exercise their new founded freedom through rebellion? Could it be that their parents didn’t accurately teach their children what Jesus meant when He proclaimed, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” John 8:31b-32?

This seemed to be the case with John Wesley as well even though he did not rebel against his faith or his parents. Nevertheless, it is clear from his letters that he wrote to his family while at college and graduate school before his conversion that he did not have an accurate understanding of the freedom Christ offers. In a letter to his mother concerning a conversation he had had regarding Christian Liberty, John Wesley (1734 [1915]) states,

“2. For Liberty as to Rites and Points of Discipline. So Mr. Whiston says: ‘Though the Stations were constituted by the Apostles, yet the Liberty of the Christian Law dispenses with them on extraordinary Occasions.’

3. For Liberty from denying ourselves in little things; for trifles ‘tis commonly thought we may indulge in safely, because Christ hath made us free. This notion I a little doubt, is not sound…

5. Christian Liberty is taken by some for a Freedom from Restraint as to Sleep or Food. So they would say, Your drinking not one glass of Wine, or my rising at fixed hours was contrary to Christian Liberty.

Lastly, it is taken for Freedom from Rules. If by this he meant making our Rules yield to extraordinary occasions, well: If, the having no Prudential Rules, this Liberty is as yet too high for me, I cannot attain to it” (p. 54).

It seems John believed that in order to be a good Christian, one had to have strict “Prudential Rules.” This undoubtedly came from how his mother raised and taught him. This is, as I pointed out in Part 2 of this series, legalism and Jesus warned the Pharisees and Teachers of Law about legalism time and time again during his ministry. As I point out throughout my “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, we are free from the Law of Moses. We are now under the Law of Grace thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice for all of our sins. “For Christ did not enter a sanctuary made with human hands that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God’s presence. ²⁵ Nor did he enter heaven to offer himself again and again, the way the high priest enters the Most Holy Place every year with blood that is not his own. ²⁶ Otherwise Christ would have had to suffer many times since the creation of the world. But he has appeared once for all at the culmination of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. ²⁷ Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, ²⁸ so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him” Hebrews 9:24-28. We are free in Christ!

Just four years after John wrote the above to his mother, he came to know Christ. Just a few months before his conversion, John wrote about struggling with darkness and bitterness. “He contrasts it with an earlier day, January 8. Then he was ‘in the midst of the great deep’ and ‘bitterness of soul.’” (Eayers, 1915, p. 60). In a letter to his brother and sister where he describes his conversion experience to them, John Wesley (1738 [1915]) states, “But that is all past, and serves only as a dark background for the brightness and beauty of the evening of May 24, when a light shone from heaven upon him” (p. 61). I speculated in Part 2 of this series that all of the Wesley children may have suffered from emotional problems as adults due to how they were treated. I think what John Wesley described in his letter is proof that he was struggling with emotional problems. Yes, we all battle our own demons, but being raised in such an abusive, controlling, and harsh environment has been proven to put people at a higher risk for emotional problems. “For a child who can barely walk or talk (the age at which most children are most likely to be hit), it can truly be traumatic if the most loved and trusted figure in the child’s life suddenly carries out a painful attack. The consequence can be a post-traumatic stress syndrome that creates deep, lifelong psychological problems such as depression and suicidal thinking” (Straus, 2006, p. 10). Now, many parents say that their child is perfectly happy after they’ve been spanked. Children are usually resilient. They don’t dwell on things too long. Therefore, it can be quite difficult to tell exactly how a young child is truly feeling. And children usually act out in order to try to show us how they are feeling which is misinterpreted as bad (sinful) behavior by parents leading to more punishment for the child. I once had a good Christian friend who had two young children. One day while I was visiting, her 18 month old happened to touch something that was dangerous. She told him no, but being a typical toddler, he smiled and did it again. She calmly took his hand and swatted it and said, “Dangerous!” He looked at her then at his hand and then smiled and did it again. So she calmly took his hand again, swatted it a little harder than before, and said, “Dangerous!” I could tell that this swat hurt more than the first, but he didn’t cry. He looked confused at his mom, got up, walked a little ways, sat down on the floor and looked as if he was trying to process what had just happened. It broke my heart, and it was all I could do not to say anything. I wonder what his mom was actually thinking watching this. Did she see his confusion, or did she see that hitting got the job done as he didn’t touch the dangerous item again? Since she was very pro-spanking, I wonder if she was in denial about the harm she was doing to her children. Also, the toddler only sat looking confused for about a minute or less before he was up happily playing again. While I knew them, the children seemed happy. The older child was a bit aggressive at times which concerned me as he was spanked and research shows that children who are spanked have higher rates of aggressive behavior (Straus, 2006; Brazelton, 2006). I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up having some emotional problems now that they are older just as John Wesley seemed to have before his conversion. The children’s parents may never know as teenage and adult children don’t always feel comfortable talking to their parents about the emotional problems that they are having. “Many people who have experienced suffering as children are able to live productive lives. However, these people may harbor self-destructive tendencies, and interpersonal difficulties in that aren‘t apparent to onlookers. Adults who were mistreated in childhood are often insecure, mistrusting, defensive, authoritarian, passive, withdrawn, apathetic, in denial or quick to sarcasm. Those who transcend childhood suffering are often highly resilient people who have sought to process and understand how their childhood history currently impacts their lives” (Couture, 2007, http://stophitting.blogspot.com/2006/01/back-in-good-ol-days-and-other.html).

After his conversion, John Wesley seemed to really grasp the concept of grace. The night of his conversion, he went quite unwillingly to Aldersgate Street to hear William Holland read a preface written by Luther to the book of Romans. In a letter describing his whole experience that night to his brother and sister John Wesley (1738 [1915]) writes,

“With regard to my own character, and my doctrine like-wise, I shall answer you plainly. By a Christian I mean one who so believes in Christ as that sin hath no more dominion over him: and in this obvious sense of the word I was not a Christian until May the 24^th last past. For till then sin had dominion over me, although I fought with it continually; but surely, then, from that time to this it hath not—such is the free grace of God in Christ. What sins they were which till then reigned over me, and from which, by the grace of God, I am now free, I am ready to declare on the house-top, if it may be for the glory of God…

My desire of this faith I knew long before, though not so clearly till Sunday, January the 8^th last, when, being in the midst of the great deep, I wrote a few lines, in the bitterness of my soul, some of which I have transcribed; and may the good of God sanctify them both to you and me” (p. 62).

The rest of John’s letter regarding his conversion is absolutely beautiful and heartwarming. For the first time in his life, he truly felt and fully grasped God’s love and grace for him!

Sadly, I must question why this knowledge of God’s grace, love, and mercy that John Wesley gained the night of May 24,1738 was not applied to his beliefs about child rearing or to the schools he created? He did not have children of his own, but he touched the lives of many children through his Methodist schools and his sermons regarding children. In his sermons, which date all the way to 1783, long after his conversion, he discussed the need for children’s wills to be broken beginning in infancy just as his mother did. Because he was a preacher, I expected to see more references to Scripture in order to at least try to back some of his beliefs up with the Word of God, but he used the same verse as his mom, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” Proverbs 22:6 (2011 NIV). Most of us know this verse as “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Obviously, Bible scholars believe that “start” is more accurate to what God is saying than “train” is. John Wesley does not use any other verses to back up what he says in his sermon titled “On the Education of Children” (1783) in which Wesley states, “To humour children is, as far as in us lies, to make their disease incurable. A wise parent, on the other hand, should begin to break their will the first moment it appears. In the whole art of Christian education there is nothing more important than this. The will of the parent is to a little child in the place of the will of God. Therefore studiously teach them to submit to this while they are children, that they may be ready to submit to his will when they are men. But in order to carry this point, you will need incredible firmness and resolution; for after you have once begun, you must never more give way. You must hold on still in an even course; you must never intermit your attention for one hour; otherwise you lose your labour” (http://new.gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/sermons/95/). Yes, we must teach our children to submit to our authority, but to break a child’s will is not biblical. (See Part 1 of this series for more information about breaking children’s wills). John Wesley goes on in this same sermon to explain how his mother broke their wills as infants. Wesley (1783) states, “My own mother had ten children, each of whom had spirit enough; yet not one of them was ever heard to cry aloud after it was a year old. A gentlewoman of Sheffield (several of whose children I suppose are alive still) assured me she had the same success with regard to her eight children. When some were objecting to the possibility of this, Mr. Parson Greenwood (well-known in the north of England) replied, “This cannot be impossible: I have had the proof of it in my own family. Nay, of more than this. I had six children by my former wife; and she suffered none of them to cry aloud after they were ten months old. And yet none of their spirits were so broken, as to unfit them for any of the offices of life.” This, therefore, may be done by any woman of sense, who may thereby save herself abundance of trouble, and prevent that disagreeable noise, the squalling of young children, from being heard under her roof” (http://new.gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/sermons/95/). Again, nowhere in Scripture does it say to break a child’s will. Children are already humble when it comes to believing in Christ or Jesus would not have held them up as models for adults in Matthew 18:1-4. As I continue to point out in all of my series, Ephesians 5:21 says that we are to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Wives are to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22, 24), and yet, this does not give husbands the right to treat their wives harshly. Just as Ephesians 6:1-2 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³ “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” does not give parents the right to treat children harshly. God must have known that humans would have a tendency to treat the weaker (or perceived weaker) one harshly as in both cases He warns that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25), and for parents not to exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:3). Why didn’t John Wesley understand this? Maybe because he couldn’t stand to go against what his beloved mother’s teachings. He wasn’t strong enough to break the cycle of abuse despite having the power of Christ within him.

John Wesley ran the schools that he created much like his mother ran her home when he was a child. The children at his schools were on an extremely strict schedule, and were never allowed to play. “What others noticed, however, and what is most often remembered, is the strong element of religion, and the rigor of the schedule and discipline. The rules for the children at Kingswood meant rising at four A.M. and retiring at eight P.M.; starting the day with two hours of private and public devotion and an hour of public evening prayers; having no time during the day for play; and spending from seven to eleven A.M. and one to five P.M. ‘in school.’ Students at all times be in the presence of a teacher and never be allowed to roam free or have contact with the colliers’ children in the neighborhood” (Heitzenrater, 2001, p. 288). This sounds more like a military base than a school for children. And if a child broke a rule or misbehaved, he or she was physically punished. As I pointed out in Part 2 of this series, research shows that young children learn best through play and concrete (real) experiences. How did Jesus teach? He used stories and parables that people who were open to Him could understand and relate to for the most part. He also taught through concrete experiences and miracles. One example that comes to mind of Jesus using a miracle to teach His disciples faith is when Jesus fed five thousand people with a five loaves of bread and a couple of fish (John 6:1-15). His disciples said that no one had enough money to buy enough food for all the people, and yet when a boy brought up a basket of food, Jesus blessed the food and all five thousand people had more than enough to eat. This taught exactly what faith in the Lord can do. Jesus also taught by asking open-ended questions to make people think. He was a gentle Teacher. He also enjoyed boat rides and hanging out with people. Jesus even went to weddings and turned water into wine (John 2:1-12). Heaven will be one big wedding and party! I can imagine Jesus smiled at children running around playing, otherwise why would He have gotten so angry at His disciples for trying to prevent parents from bringing their children to Him? Also, why did God create children with such a playful nature if He did not intend for children to play? And the Bible continually talks about the joy we are to have in the Lord. Therefore, I do not believe that it was biblically accurate for the Wesleys to require children to follow a very strict schedule. Yes, routines are very important for children as they need to know what will happen next in their days. Children thrive on routines because routines are flexible in order to meet the children’s needs. Schedules are not designed to meet children’s needs. They are more for adult’s convenience, and to keep children under control. While there are stories of revivals and salvation that occurred in John Wesley’s schools, I can’t help but question whether the good out weighed the potential harm that was done to the children.

John Wesley didn’t see children as human beings, but instead, saw them as “a unit for salvation. Gross views Wesley’s concept of salvation: “He never considered a child as a child, but rather as a unit for salvation, bred in sin, apt to evil, and altogether as a ‘brand to be plucked out of the burning’” (Towns, 1970, p. 323). However, John seemed to contradict himself at times as to whether children were inheritably evil or innocent. Heitzenrater (2001) states the answer John Wesley gave regarding infants suffering, “Why do infants suffer? What sin have they to be cured thereby? If you say, ‘It is to heal the sin of their parents, who sympathize and suffer with them’; in a thousand instances this has no place; the parents are not the better, nor any-way likely to be the better, for all the sufferings of their children. Their sufferings, therefore, yea, and those of all mankind, which are entailed upon them by the sin of Adam, are not the result of mere mercy, but of justice also. In other words, they have in them the nature of punishments, even on us and on our children. Therefore, children themselves are not innocent before God. They suffer; therefore, they deserve to suffer” (p. 294). While it is true that infants are born with a sinful nature, they are in no way capable of purposely sinning. To say that infants, or anyone for that matter, deserve to suffer is very un-Christ-like in my opinion. God made infants and provided crying as their way of communicating with us. This is not sinful! John Wesley was also heard saying that children are also innocent. “Take, for example, his observation at the home of an English gentleman and his family in Holland: ‘Here were four such children (I suppose seven, six, five, and three years old) as I never saw before in one family: Such inexpressible beauty and innocence shone together’” (Heitzenrater, 2001, p. 294). I wonder if John based this observation either on their outward appearances and/or their behaviors. If the children would have been behaving as typical children, would he have commented on their beauty and innocence?

Overall, from what I have read from and about John Wesley, the impression I get is that he mostly believed that children were evil from birth. As I’ve pointed out throughout this paper, he believed that children were capable of having a religious life, but that it required that they be strictly educated and harshly punished. “As it has introduced a new state of things, and so fully informed us of the nature of man, and the end of his creation; as it has fixed all our goods and evils, taught us the means of purifying our souls, of pleasing God, and being happy eternally; one might naturally suppose that every Christian country abounded with schools, not only for teaching a few questions and answers of a catechism, but for the forming, training, and practicing children in such a course of life as the sublimest doctrines of Christianity require” (Wesley, 1783, http://new.gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/sermons/95/). I wonder what he meant by “sublimest doctrines of Christianity require” because while we are required to teach our children God’s Word from a very young age (Deuteronomy 6:6-8), we are not required to be harsh with them. In fact, we are required to teach in a loving, kind manner (Colossians 3:16.)

Since John Wesley believed that infants were sinful from birth, he felt that infant baptism was an absolute must in order to wash their sins away and save their souls from Hell if they should die. “Infants are in a state of original sin and they cannot be saved ordinarily unless this is washed away by baptism. They are included in the covenant with God and capable of solemn consecration to him. This consecration can only be made by baptism. They have the right to come to Christ, to be ingrafted into him and ought to be brought to him for that purpose. Baptism regenerates, justifies and gives the infant all the privileges of the Christian religion” (Towns, 1970, p. 322). While many Christians do believe in infant baptism, the Bible seems very clear that baptism is for people who have accepted Christ into their hearts; receiving the gift of salvation offed by Christ. Baptism symbolizes the person’s death to sin and his/her rising with Christ as a new person in Christ. “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life” Romans 6:4. (See also Colossians 2:12 and 1 Peter 3:21). Infant baptism does absolutely nothing as far as salvation is concerned. And I have repeatedly said in this series and my “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, infants and young children go to Heaven if they die since they are not capable of purposely rejecting Christ. They know Him and easily believe in Him! Just as infant baptism does nothing to save children, neither does spanking and controlling them do anything to save them. From all of the research I’ve pointed out in this paper, and from what we know about John Wesley’s life, I think it is safe to say that spanking children puts them at higher risk for rejecting Christ as they are not receiving an accurate portrayal of Christ’s love and grace for them.

Jonathan Wesley did much good for the Kingdom of God. Many poor children were able to be educated because of him. He also helped a great deal of people come to know Christ as their Savior. However, among all of the truly good things that he did throughout his life, I think it is wise to ask how much harm did he also do? After all, he did not seem to rely on God’s Word for his beliefs on how children should be treated and educated. For this reason, John Wesley should not be used as a role model for Christians and Christian education. While none of us is perfect, we must remember that the pedestal in which he is often placed among Christians is cracked. Children should be taught through love, gentle firmness, concrete experiences, and much grace! “What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a rod of discipline, or shall I come in love and with a gentle spirit?” 1 Corinthians 4:21.

“Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” 1 Peter 3:4.

Not a complete list of references:

Eayrs, G. (ed.) (1915). Letters of John Wesley. London, England: Hodder and Stoughton.

Towns, E. (1970). John Wesley and religious education. Articles. http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/towns_articles/16.

Wesley, J. (1783). Sermon 95. On the education of children. http://new.gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/sermons/95/.

*** A full reference section on all my work will follow.

(Continued)

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Arguments Tagged With abuse, agression, Anti Spanking Links, baptism, Breaking the will, control, crying, fear, forgiveness, golden rule, grace, history, humans as property, infants, innocence, Jonathan Wesley, playing, psychology, punishment, Puritans, rebellion, salvation, sin nature, Submission, Susanna Wesley, total depravity, views of children, Would Jesus Spank?

Document of Abuse

April 5, 2011 By Hermana Linda 4 Comments

Rebecca Diamond has posted a copy of the Criminal Complaint against Timothy and Andrea Wick (son and daughter-in-law of novelist Lori Wick) in Read It And Weep.

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, Aleitheia Bible Church, infants, Lori Wick, Rebecca Diamond, Timothy and Andrea Wick, wooden dowel

Lori Wick involved in Child Abuse Scandal

March 28, 2011 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

Rebecca Diamond exposes the teachings or Lori Wick and her church in Preach Jesus and Carry A Big Stick. In case you hadn’t heard, this best selling Christian Novelist has been funding a church which teaches that babies should be switched as young as 6 weeks old. Her son is among 8 people who are facing child abuse charges in Dane County, Wisconsin. Also see the article in the Daily Mail.

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Filed Under Other Abusive Teachings Tagged With abuse, Aleitheia Bible Church, crying, harden your heart, infants, Lori Wick, Rebecca Diamond, taking a stand, Timothy and Andrea Wick, training, wooden dowel

The Christian History of Spanking Part 2

March 26, 2011 By Steph 2 Comments

(Part 1)

Susanna Wesley (1669-1742) is held up as the “Mother of Methodism.” She married Samuel Wesley who was a pastor. The Wesley’s had a total of 19 children, but only 10 of the children survived past infancy. Susanna, as most Puritans, valued education. However, she even taught her daughters as well as her sons how to read and write which was not common during the 18^th century (Heitzenrater, 2001). She also allowed each child to do what he/she could for their selves starting from birth. Susanna was a very devoted mother.

Before we get too deeply into Susanna’s child rearing beliefs and practices, we must take a brief look at how children were viewed by most during the 18^th century. During this time period, children were seen as miniature adults. They were dressed like adults and were expected to behave like adults at very young ages. The quicker they behaved like adults, the better. Otherwise, children were not to be seen or heard. They were kept out of the room where adults were. Throughout the 18^th century, this view of children slowly evolved as a sort of discovery of childhood occurred. This change was not necessarily a positive one for children. Instead of the high expectation for children to be adult-like as soon as possible (which, of course, was negative in and of itself since we now know how important childhood truly is), children were seen as inferior to adults. As Heitzenrater (2001) states, “If the previous view put unnecessarily great expectations on young children, the new view gave them very little credit for any good possibilities. Children, now seen as inferior to adults and needing to be governed strictly by them, fell prey to a repressive and tyrannical concept of the family, typified by the harsh Puritan view. Lloyd De Mause characterizes this eighteenth century stage in the evolving treatment of children in Western civilization as ‘the intrusive mode’” (p. 280). As I point out in Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” and in Part 1 of this series, the viewpoint of children born with original sin seemed to either lead to the harsh treatment of children or compassionate treatment. While the Puritans advocated some of Jesus’ views and commands for adults to become like children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 18:1-4), they were quite harsh with their children at times and believed in strict religious education for children (Heitzenrater, 2001; Greven, 1992, Miller, 1990).

Susanna Wesley’s child rearing beliefs and practices were in-tune with the time period. Much of John Locke’s philosophy can be seen in how Susanna raised her children. John Locke held the belief that children are born “blank slates” and that the environment could completely shape them into the people they would become. He warned that motherly affection toward children was dangerous, and that children should be treated as young adults. He also advocated for the use of physical punishment with young children. Susanna taught her infants to cry softly by spanking them. In her letter to her son John, Wesley (1732) states, “When they turned a year old (and some before) they were taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly. By this means they escaped abundance of correction they might otherwise have had. That most odious noise of the crying of children, was rarely heard in the house. The family usually lived in as much quietness, as if there had not been a child among them” (p. 1). I find this quite disturbing as even for older infants and young toddlers crying is the main way of communicating their needs to us. We have much research showing the devastating effects of not responding sensitively to their cries. (See “Attachment Theory- Why NOT to Baby Train ” for more info). I must wonder why she felt it was necessary to stifle her infants’ cries through hitting them? I also wonder how long this process took since hurting young children almost always makes them cry louder and harder?! What’s more is that not crying is not biblical. “God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there” Genesis 21:17. See also Exodus 3:7; 1 Samuel 7:8; Psalm 55:17; Psalm 145:17-19; and Revelation 21:4. Even Jesus wept in John 11:35 when He saw that Lazarus had died even though He knew that He was about to bring him back to life. Sadly, I believe hitting her infants to teach them to cry softly had nothing to do with Susanna wanting to be biblical in her parenting, and everything to do with her own preferences in parenting. “That most odious noise of the crying of children, was rarely heard in the house. The family usually lived in as much quietness, as if there had not been a child among them” (Wesley, 1732, p. 1). Susanna obviously had an aversion to crying even among her own children. It is important to remind ourselves again that during the 18^th century children were to be seen and not heard, and that a great deal of Susanna’s child-rearing practices were in line with what was common during this particular time period. I am trying to show that these practices were not always biblical since many Christians still hold her up as a model for Christian mothers.

We now know from years of research that not providing young children with sensitive, responsive care can lead to failure to thrive, attachment disorders, and even death (Fogel, 2011; Mooney, 2011; Karen, 1994; & Spitz, 1965). Research also shows that pain, especially in the case of a parent hitting a young child, negatively affects brain development in children (Strauss; 2006). Stress hormones are released whenever a child or adult is upset. In adults, these hormones over time can cause heart disease, insomnia, and diabetes. In infants and young children, stress hormones change the way that neurons and synapses are created and formed (Strauss, 2006; Sears & Sears, 2001; Greven, 1992). Infants and toddlers learn through sensorimotor experiences. Hitting them makes them less likely to explore their environments and more likely to withdraw. This withdrawal may seem to make them into good, quiet babies, but this could have dire effects on their health. If a child is afraid to cry because no one will answer him/her or he/she gets hit for crying, the child will stop communicating his/her needs, which could lead to death if no one realizes the child is sick. Plus, stress hormones make infants even more prone to illness. Not to mention the emotional distress children go through when physically punished.

As the children grew older, Suzanna Wesley kept them on a very strict schedule. The children were not allowed to play or speak loudly; especially during the 6 hours of schooling. Susanna homeschooled her children. Even their eating and drinking schedules were extremely strict. In her letter to John Wesley, Susanna (1732) states, “Drinking or eating between meals was never allowed, unless in case of sickness, which seldom happened. Nor were they allowed to go into the kitchen to ask anything of the servants when they were eating. If it was known they did, they were certainly punished with the rod and the servants severely reprimanded” (p. 1). Why would anyone not allow children to drink between meals? I wonder what happened when it was really hot outside. Didn’t they get dehydrated? Even for myself, I need drinks between meals. And sometimes I need a snack between meals otherwise I feel sick to my stomach. We all know that children’s stomachs are smaller, so they need small snacks between meals. We also know that children become dehydrated quicker than adults so they need drinks throughout the day. I just don’t understand why Susanna felt it was necessary to keep her children on such a strict schedule and to spank them if she found out they had asked the servants for something to eat or drink between meals. Is this biblical? In Matthew 10:42, Jesus says, “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.” In this verse, Jesus is talking about anyone with a low status in society. As Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” shows children have a very low status in society. Therefore, it seems quite clear that Jesus is including children in this statement. So, denying a child food and drink in a very controlling way is not biblical. Just think, everyone who has ever fed a child, a poor person, or even a friend has fed our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! Now, I’m not saying that we should allow children, for example, to have a cookie right before supper. What I am saying is to not allow drink or a small, healthy snack at appropriately spaced intervals between meals is unbiblical and potentially DANGEROUS to children! And to spank a child for asking for a drink or a snack is outright ABUSE!!! Children’s bodies are constantly growing and developing, therefore, nutritious meals, snacks, and drinks should be offered to them throughout the day.

Going back to the fact that children were not allowed to play or talk loudly makes me question how much learning was lost for them. Yes, she taught them well and it appears that Samuel Jr. was quite advanced for his age, but research shows that young children learn best through play and concrete (real) experiences. “Armed with an inborn motivation to learn and explore, they are on a constant quest for knowledge, learning from what they see, hear, feel, taste, and touch. And they do this without the need for prompting” (Lally, 2009, p. 47). Through play and casual interactions, children learn so much including Math, Science, English, and History. Of course, children should be taught God’s Word in similar ways. But it seems Susanna (and others of her day) thought children should be taught in an extremely strict, rigorous manner. As we will see in Part 3, her child-rearing practices had a strong effect on her son, Jonathan Wesley.

The Wesley family suffered 2 fires that burnt their house down. During the rebuilding of the house, the family was split up, and the children lived with other families. It seems that during this time, the children had a bit more freedom than what Susanna would ever allow. Interestingly, here is what Susanna Wesley writes about this time period in the family’s life:

“For some years we went on very well. Never were children in better disposed to piety, or in more subjection to their parents until that scattering of them after the fire into several families. In those families, they were left at full liberty to converse with the servants, which before they had always been restrained from, and to run abroad and play with any children, good or bad. They soon learned to neglect a strict observation of the sabbath, and got knowledge of several songs and bad things which before they had no notion of. That civil behaviour which made them admired when at home, by all which saw them, was in great measure lost, and a clownish accent and many rude ways were learned, which were not reformed without some difficulty.

When the house was rebuilt and the children all brought home, we entered upon a strict reform” (Wesley, 1732, p. 3). I’m sure that Susanna was grateful that those who survived the fire were safe. I’m also sure (even though she doesn’t say so in this particular letter) that she was grateful to the families who took in their children during this very difficult time in the family’s life, I’m a bit surprised and saddened that Susanna seemed more concerned about getting her children under her reign once again. Why did she see their freedom as such a negative thing. And if such strict child-rearing is supposed to produce good, obedient Christian children, then why did they disobey their mother when out from under her authority? It seems that Susanna was focused on the Law and legalism more than on true obedience from the heart. Jesus, on many occasions, warned the Pharisees about their legalism tendencies. “For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 5:20. (See also Matthew 23:5-7; Matthew 23:13-15; Matthew 23:27-39; and Mark 7:1-23). It is obvious from these verses that God values true worship from the heart! I wonder how long it took Susanna’s children to truly worship God from their hearts after being raised in such a controlling environment? Especially since she taught her children that if they repented to her then she would not spank them for their offense. I would guess that when the children repented that they did so out of fear rather than out of true remorse! “On the other hand, some of Susanna’s ideas seem very modern, such as not punishing a child more than once for the same infraction…” (Heitzenrater, 2001, p. 284). Jesus does not punish us for our sins, but rather, offers forgiveness, grace, and mercy when we sin. He allows consequences in our lives. But He never punishes us—unless we reject Him forever!

As I mentioned previously, the family appeared to live a nice quiet life from the outside. But a few sources mentioned that while all her children grew up and continued to love and respect their mother, it seems that they may have all suffered from emotional problems (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/archive/index.php/t-206124.html). While we cannot know this for sure, I would not be surprised if her children did indeed suffer some emotional problems as this type of parenting puts children at higher risk for all sorts of problems. Also, it seems she struggled with the assurance of her own salvation for many years. From reading some of Susanna’s letters, it appears to me that, while she clearly acknowledged human salvation as a result of Christ’s sacrifice, she remained in Old Testament philosophical beliefs—that obedience to the Law of Moses was required to maintain salvation. In a letter to her daughter, Susanna Wesley (1709-10 [1997]) states, “The soul is immortal and must survive all time, even to eternity, and consequently it must have been miserable to the utmost extent of its duration, had we not had that sacred treasure of knowledge which is contained in the books of the Old and New Testament. A treasure infinitely more valuable than the whole world, because therein we [find] all things(added emphasis by Steph) necessary for our salvation” (p. 381). I am wondering if Susanna ever truly understood that Jesus Christ paid it all for us when He bore our sins on that cross. That the one ”Thing” that we need for salvation is Jesus Christ! “For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ” 1 Thessalonians 5:9. I cannot say what was going through Susanna’s Wesley’s head when she wrote her letters. I am trying my best to try to understand her with extremely limited information in order to show where she may have misunderstood Scripture—something that all (including myself) are capable of doing.

Finally, Susanna Wesley seems to contradict herself as she believed a child’s will must be conquered in order to submit to his/her parents and ultimately God. However, in her letter to her daughter, Susanna Wesley (1709-10 [1997]) states, “For any one which makes a profession of religion only because ‘tis the custom of the country in which they live or because their parents do so or their worldly interest is thereby secured or advanced will never be able to stand in the day of temptation, nor shall they ever enter into the kingdom of heaven” (p. 380). So, why did she treat them so harshly to seemingly raise them in the Lord if she believed that one should never profess faith because their parents do? Of course, reading and teaching God’s Word to them was extremely important and good. I feel that by controlling them so strongly could have set them up to proclaim faith in Christ so as not to disappoint their mother. I truly admire Susanna Wesley for being so devoted to her children. She obviously loved her children very much and wanted the best for them. And as I’ve pointed out, some of her child-rearing practices were common for the 18^th century. However, I must question holding her up as a model for Christian mothers. Not all of her practices are biblical. It sounded like she ran a boot camp; not a home. Children require gentle firmness, something Susanna Wesley wasn’t able to give her children. As we shall see, this affected her son, Jonathan Wesley profoundly—both positively and quite negatively.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other” Galatians 5:22-26.

All of Susanna Wesley’s letters can be found in Wallace Jr, C. (Ed.). (1997). The complete writings of Susanna Wesley. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

(Continued)

The Christian History of Spanking by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.

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Filed Under Anti Spanking Arguments Tagged With abuse, Anti Spanking Links, Attachment Disorder (RAD), Breaking the will, crying, eating and drinking between meals, failure to thrive, forgiveness, Jonathan Wesley, legalism, Puritans, repentance, stress hormones, Susanna Wesley, training, Would Jesus Spank?

Deb’s Review of TTUAC – Part 3

March 25, 2011 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

Deb has posted the 3rd and final part of her review of Michael Pearl’s book, To Train Up A Child. In this post she looks at how Pearl prevented “sissies” and trained his children to always be happy. She also looks at what he teaches about the rod. She says that what Pearl teaches about persistence bothered her the most. I totally understand that. It is exactly this emphasis on persistence which I suspect killed Lydia Schatz.

For your convenience, here are Part 1 and Part 2 and here is the Intro.

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Filed Under Book Reviews Tagged With abuse, Dr. James Dobson, exposé, grace, happy heart, Home Depot, judgement, King James Only, NGJ, pain, Pearls, persistence, plastic plumber supply line, proof-texting, Proverbs, quotes ttuac, rod, Schatz, shepherd's staff, shepherds, sissies, Submission, surrender, The Wartburg Watch, training, ttuac

Deb’s Review of TTUAC – Part 2

March 24, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

The the Wartburg Watch is finding their discussion of To Train Up A Child so interesting that they have already published part 2 of their book review. In this post she takes a quick look at Pearl’s credentials and then explains his training advice with many quotes from the book. She promises to look at his teaching about the rod tomorrow. Stay tuned.

For your convenience, part 1 is here.

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Filed Under Book Reviews Tagged With abuse, exposé, Pearls, qualifications, quotes ttuac, safety, The Wartburg Watch, training, ttuac

Taking a Stand Against Child Abuse

March 21, 2011 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

The Wartburg Watch analyzes John Piper’s teachings about spanking a child to teach him to understand the wrath of God. They then take a stand against dangerous and abusive teachings and tell you how you can help. Bravo!

They look at John Piper again in An Ultrasound of Abuse.

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Filed Under Get Involved Tagged With abuse, John Piper, taking a stand, The Wartburg Watch, Wrath of God

Close Encounters of the Pearl Kind

March 15, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Someone finally noticed that I have a discussion board on my Facebook Page. So far, there is only one discussion there, so far and I found it so interesting, I thought I’d share for those who have not joined Facebook.

This is Stephanie’s story of her close encounter with Pearl’s followers:

With my second pregnancy (1st baby) I got dropped by my midwife. I searched the internet for another and there are not many where I live, I was 35 weeks I think. I met with one and I hired her because ” none of the other midwives like because she is so hands off”. Well, that what she said and that what I wanted. She hosted Centering Pregnancy and Parenting and was a La Leche League leader and also a Bradley childbirth instructor. Anyways after my Daughter was born I went the Centering Parenting group every 2 weeks or so and LLL. She also hosted a bunch of different classes and such and I became friends with some of the people who attended. I noticed that she was ultra conservative, but I don’t like to judge one’s character on political or religious bases. I like to think of myself as open minded and make friends with people from all walks of life and different interests. She said some peculiar things that I just brushed off. Example: when talking to a mother with a newborn that was having trouble nursing “just tell him no and not to do that. I think babies understand right and wrong, whats expected of them.” She asked which church we went to and she said ” I have my own church at my house”

I was becoming friends with a lady that lived down the street from me, we met at the LLL meeting. We had a lot in common, I think, and hit it off. The second time I visited her she showed me this book called Help Meet. She raved about how wonderful this book was and showed me her favorite chapter called “Mommy why am I so dumb?” Really, that’s what it’s called. She said she was starting up a club for this book and would have all her friends over and I was invited. I went. There were a lot of kids at the Help Meet club.

At this club they discussed the book and had extras to pass out. It was defiantly disturbing the things some of the women said. About how the wife is supposed to never, ever turn down sex from her husband. That if a woman is beaten by her husband then it’s her fault and quote “Too bad for her” with a very smug attitude. That it is a sin to wear pants and to ask your husband’s permission to buy anything, including toothpaste or any necessities. I left early and asked to borrow the book out of curiosity and because I didn’t want them to think I was being rude for leaving early. Just because I didn’t agree with it or like some of the women there didn’t mean I didn’t want to be friends with her.

Anyways the woman I was becoming friends with, lets call her Sarah, invited me to her baby shower. I didn’t think I would make it because it was being held at someones house about 30 miles away. But I did. I met lots of other moms and kids. You know I thought that since the women I was hanging out with were Attachment Parenters or similar, because they exclusively breastfed, used slings and the like and bedshared. Anyways halfway through the party a women handed her baby off and grabbed her son by the arm and dragged him off to the stairwell. Three rooms away I could hear WHACK, WHACK WHACK! and then the crying. He was crying so hard. and after he stopped again WHACK, WHACK WHACK! and then the crying. Three times this happened while I was there. I wanted to stop it, I wanted to do something. But everybody around me was acting like nothing was happening. Like this happened all the time. I left. And I felt horrible for leaving that little boy there to be beaten. Something inside me just snapped. I don’t know I just had to get my daughter out of there. I cried on the way home and told my daughter that I would never, ever hurt her. For about three days I dwelled on this, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t stopped it. Finally I emailed one of the ladies that was at the party about it and asked if anybody stopped it and such. The lady I emailed was one of the midwives at my birth. That day I got and call from my midwife, the head midwife the one that owned the business. She told me she was to explain what happened at the baby shower, because the other midwife didn’t know what to say. She talked down to me like How dare I even think about stopping the beating. She said it was the mothers right to her her child and that she knows how hard and how long to hit for that child. And quote she said “I have to practically beat my kid with a bat to get him to listen”. Then she tried to get me to buy her book “To train up a child” I just sat there and listened in stunned silence and finally I said I’m going now and she kept saying I love you and I hung up. I was thinking you don’t know what love is. That night I researched the book, I was horrified. I just don’t get why anyone would ever want to hurt their baby. I kept thinking this goes against very thing the Bible teaches. The phone call was on Wednesday I called CPS on friday just to talk to someone about what happened, but they didn’t want to talk they just wanted info. Apparently CPS and Metro showed up on Saturday at the midwife’s house. I don’t know what happened, nor do I want to know. I do feel horrible about CPS showing up.

As for the kids that I met. The two that struck me the hardest were two of the teenagers I met. One was the 1st born she always had this nervous anxious smile on her face and if she wasn’t doing something she was very antsy. Depressed eyes and a nervous smile. I only saw the boy once, he was sitting at the table doing school work I asked him if there were any trashbags around. Without saying a word he sighed got up and got me one. No eye contact. He definitely seemed depressed to me. Run down, broken spirit. That was my impression of those two way before I even knew what their moms did to them. The kids that I met never really seemed like they were playing like it was a fake play because their moms told them too.

I think the people the buy into these kind of teachings have a serious lack of faith. They lack the faith to believe Jesus can and has touched many lives since his time here. They don’t have enough faith to believe that God is all powerful, more powerful than the devil, so powerful that many, many people believe in him, so powerful that the devil does not rule the earth, so powerful that even I and my brother whom were both raised in the most unGodly home now and have always believed and are both saved. They lack the faith that God is forgiving and compassionate and loves ever single person unconditionally. The most powerfull phrase in the Bible in my opinion, is when Jesus was on the cross, he said “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. He forgave the Jews, the people that beat him and then murdered him. He forgave them with compassion, love and understanding. He didn’t punish them but forgave. These people teach punishment over forgiveness and understanding. God gave us free will, the pearls take it away.

If you have a story to share, please join in the discussion. If you prefer to share anonymously, you may email your story to me or register here under a pseudonym and submit it.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Links about the Pearls Tagged With abuse, broken spirit, CPS, CTBHH, discussion board, encounters with Pearl followers, midwife, Pearls, teens and tweens, toddlers, ttuac

Uncovering More Horrors

March 11, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

As we probe the underbelly of the damage done by the Patriarchy Movement and even Corporeal Punishment in general, eventually we will uncover even more horrors. I have avoided “going there” for quite some time, preferring to skirt the issue, as it seemed unnecessary to bring up in polite society. However, this blog post from Under Much Grace, explains the necessity of broaching the topic and is written with a technical tone rather than a sensational one.

For your sharing convenience:

Filed Under Anti Spanking Links, Patriocentric Teachings Tagged With abuse, Anti Spanking Links, degradation, domestic discipline, patriarchy, Pearls, sexual disorders, shame, Under Much Grace

Why Do People Blame the Pearls?

March 8, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

This post by Elizabeth Esther was written in Feb of 2010 as a response to the Schatz Tragedy. It is a great post for sharing as it contains a careful explanation of the Pearls’ teachings and how they relate to Lydia’s death as well as her own personal testimony. A link to this post can also be found on In Depth Analysis of Pearl’s Teachings.

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Filed Under Links about the Pearls Tagged With abuse, Breaking the will, consistency, Deaths, Elizabeth Esther, infants, Pearls, plastic plumber supply line, Pro-Spankers, punishment, Schatz, testimony, ttuac

Looking at Bill Gothard

March 7, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Dulce de Leche has shared some memories of Bill Gothard’s seminars and how his teachings affected her during her formative years in, Peering Underneath the Umbrella: Musings on Gothardism. This is an exposé as well as a testimony as she gives us an inside look at Gothard’s teachings.

Speaking of Bill Gothard, E. Stephen Burnett has an interesting post at Quivering Daughters called, Bill Gothard and Patriarchy: Re-routed Feminism? which analyzes a quote from Bill Gothard about submission and looks at why so many of Patriarchy’s promoters are women.

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Filed Under Patriocentric Teachings Tagged With abuse, Bill Gothard, control, Dulce de Leche, E. Stephen Burnett, exposé, feminist, foot washing, passive agressive, patriarchy, quivering daughters, servanthood, Submission, testimony, umbrella, wife only submission

Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull

March 2, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Kristen Rosser has started a series over at NLQ called, Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull. I think this checklist of sorts actually pertains to all Patriarchy teachings. This is good reading for someone who is dabbling with Quiverfull/Patriarchy and thinking that they can separate the “meat from the bones.” These posts are written specifically for those “who have chosen to accept the Bible as authoritative for faith and practice. ”

Here are the posts so far:
Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull: Isolation
Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull: Hierarchy & Control
Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull: Perfectionism & Elitism

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Filed Under Patriocentric Teachings Tagged With abuse, authoritarian parenting, control, elitism, hierarchy, isolation, mutual submission, patriarchy, perfection, quiverfull, Submission, testing the spirit, wife only submission

Responses to the CNN Story

More Investigation from CNN

The Effects Of Spanking – Part 2 Sensitive

The Effects of Spanking Part 1 Sensitive

Another Anonymous Spanking Story

Understanding Biblical Gender Equality

Bruises

Letter to a family considering ATI

Another Letter To A Pastor About Spanking

TTUAC and Child Abuse

Religious Child Maltreatment

When The Child Abuser Has a Bible

Does God Want Us To Break Their Wills?

Old Case of Spanking Caused Renal Failure Discovered

Wartburg Watch and IFB

Heartbreaking Abuse

A Former Trinity Baptist Insider and the 20/20 IFB Story

Spanking Infants???

The Christian History of Spanking Part 3

Document of Abuse

Lori Wick involved in Child Abuse Scandal

The Christian History of Spanking Part 2

Deb’s Review of TTUAC – Part 3

Deb’s Review of TTUAC – Part 2

Taking a Stand Against Child Abuse

Close Encounters of the Pearl Kind

Uncovering More Horrors

Why Do People Blame the Pearls?

Looking at Bill Gothard

Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull

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