Colleen’s Testimony

Coleen G. was nice enough  to share her testimony here on my blog.  I’m reposting it below so it won’t be missed.

I have seen the fruits of the Pearl’s methods in my own children and at another family that we know.

My friend tried to switch her toddler son until he was crying submissively and brokenly. She was horrified at how many times this needed to be done and each event required welting, bruises because he would not be broken until he no longer could stand the agony. She never switched like that again and never used their methods again. She had been following the techniques as described including the correct “tool”.

I too tried to follow their methods but I could not bring myself to hit that hard. I did not know of my friend’s sessions with her son at the time. That story came out to me years later. I have a temper problem and very strong willed children as well(I know now that is a blessing not a sin issue). While I tried very hard to not let my temper rule me it came out when I had to go through multiple sessions over many days about the same issues with the same child. Their “rebellion” was taken personally and fed my sinful anger problem. I was not seeing results with my young children they mostly just grew out of whatever development stage and corresponding behaviors that I had been taught vis the Pearl’s was disobedience.

God got a hold of me healing the sin-anger and showing me that my parenting methods were causing me to sin against my children even when I was not angry. The switch was chaotic and it took almost two years for relational healing. Yes I was/am a sinner who had a problem but the Pearl’s methods aggravated and intensified that sin issue compounding the damage I was doing. Yes I had the book, all the connected books. I had videos and the magazine subscription so I was well steeped in their methodology.

Having now stepped away from it all and truly studied both the bible and child development I can see that much of what they teach is toxic even for mild even tempered parent of equally tempered children. While bible-y in terminology it is not Christ-like and denies what is normal development as sin that must be punished out of a child for the convenience of the parents and the child’s future salvation.

I have lived with the fruit and it is a sour hellish thing fit only for those who like the Pharisees care more for control and rules than Love and sacrificial living towards the weaker.

 

A person’s a person no matter how small.

Sarah has graciously allowed me to host this most excellent post.

*********************************************************************

Aha. Welcome to my long winded “Why I don’t believe in spanking” post.

You will soon find that spanking isn’t the whole issue with me. I don’t believe in punishment at all (GASP!).

‘Course permissiveness can be unhealthy as well, so I am setting out on this parenting journey to tread not somewhere in between those two evils, but outside the whole paradigm altogether. Onward, fellow travelers! To the land of gentle discipline! (I’m cheesy and I know it… beeeooouuup beeouup beoup beoup beoup beoup beoup. Girl, look at that baby. He drinks milk! Okay, yes. Too much coffee. I’m out of control.)

Now that you know what you’re getting yourself into (should you choose to read on), allow me to indulge in a disclaimer. [Read more…]

More Reasons Not To Spank

Here are 2 new articles which explain why a Christian should reconsider spanking.

12 Biblical Reasons To Reconsider Spanking Your Kids By Shannon Wasie

6 Reasons Why We Changed Our Mind and Stopped Spanking by Sallie Borrink

Anger and Repression

Dara Stoltzfus considers anger and how children are forced to repress it.  Many parents feel that it is best to teach their children to repress their anger.  Those parents will typically not understand why repressing anger is unhealthy because they misunderstand the Bible.  You can try to explain it to them, but they will rarely listen.  Once they are sure that they understand the Bible, they refuse to even consider that they might be wrong.  Dara discusses that mindset in another recent post.

Bringing Out The Best In Our Children

Sara Mae shares how spanking was affecting her 2 1/2 year old’s self esteem and why she and her husband decided to stop in How Gentleness Makes Our Children Great.

Dara Stoltzfus also has noticed the importance of  a child’s self-worth and explains how we can encourage their inner beauty in Princes and Princesses on the Inside.

 

 

The Fruit of Gentle Discipline

Molly shares a beautiful story about the fruit her gently parented 3 yr old is already displaying in A Soft Answer…

Is Your Parenting Based on Fear or Faith?

Carissa Robinson compares Fear-Based and Faith-Based Parenting.  Which one one do you think glorifies God?  Which one do you use?

For more help, check out this post by Pearl in Oyster (PIO) about how we can use our God-given hormones to help us parent better in Oxytocin and “Time In.”

Parenting Teenagers is Hard

Jen of The Path Less Taken explains why a man who shoots his daughter’s laptop is Not Her Idea Of a Hero.

Big Emotions

Dulce de Leche explains the importance of feelings in Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Big Emotions.

Pearl in Oyster (PIO) offers a 52 Tool Card Double Feature: Wheel of Choice and Anger Wheel of Choice.  She also has some insight from Jeff VanVonderen about three Greek words for anger in the Bible.

Where Did Pearl Say This?

In this interview in the National Post, Pearl is quoted as saying:

But, I have said many times, when a spanking is not working, stop doing it. There are times when children become so emotionally torn that they have ceased all cognitive activity. Spanking is then counterproductive.

Frankly, I don’t recall him every saying that.  If he has published this sentiment, I would like to know where because this quote needs much exposure.  His followers need to be aware that he says this because this could really make a difference in the life of some children and maybe even save a life.  Although, it is still rather vague, it is a step in the right direction.

Edited to add:  Apparently Pearl was referring to this article where he said

You should not spank beyond your fellowship with the child. If you feel that your spanking is excessive, it is because it is not working. If it is not working to produce happy, creative kids, then you are missing one of the other elements we discussed. You have probably forgotten how to relax and enjoy your children. Or perhaps you have failed to train. The bottom line is that if other things are equal, and you give a child a spanking every time he needs it, the time will soon come when he will not need to be spanked so often, and eventually not at all.

More doublespeak.  In the next breath he accuses them of failing to train properly and promises that if you are consistent things will get better.  He have seen him accuse people of deliberately misunderstanding his meaning, but I really feel that he is vague and expecting people to make mental leaps which not all people are able to make.

Also, if anyone knows where he got these statistics which he quotes, I’d be interested.  Was it from the research study or somewhere else?

Research has shown that the properly trained, nurtured and spanked child scores higher on all positive measures both as a child and as an adult. Spanking as part — a small part — of a comprehensive nurturing process instills self control and disciplined in a child, rendering him more emotionally stable and balanced as an adult. Every child was spanked up until Dr. Spock. Now only about 75% are spanked with no malice aforethought, and another 20% are occasionally spanked or hit by angry out of control parents that profess not to believe in it…

In his interview on AC360 Mr. Pearl mentioned the same research on spanking and Anderson Cooper delves deeper into that in another segment.  Before linking I want to warn you that it opens with the very upsetting video of Judge William Adams beating his daughter.  After that it recaps prior interviews with Michael Pearl and then moves on to Dr. Drew Pinsky and Po Bronson talking to Anderson Cooper about the science behind physically disciplining children. In The Science of Spanking, Anderson Cooper asks Dr. Drew Pinsky and Po Bronson what they think of the Pearl method and it should come as no surprise that they did not find it healthy in any way, shape or form.

The only problem with this interview is that they make a big point of discussing how spanking in anger is even more damaging.  This will probably cause Pearl and most of his followers to argue that spanking without anger will cause no damage at all.  They are so very wrong.  But then of course, Pearl and his followers tend to discount science except for when it supports their beliefs so it’s probably a moot point.

More Unexpected Effects of Spanking

The Scientific Universalist reacts to CNN’s Ungodly Discipline series and shares her testimony of how “Biblical chastisement” affected her view of God.

Meanwhile, Lisa, of Broken Daughters, shares how “Biblical chastisement” led to her self-destructive behavior in a heart breaking and difficult to read post.

What Do Children Think About Being Spanked?

What message do children really take away from corporeal punishment?  Carissa Robinson has asked some mothers what they remembered about being spanked and posts their thoughts and stories in What Do They Really Think?

The Effect of Spanking on Children

Carissa Robinson shares a true story of how spanking affected one child growing up in Lock ‘Em Up, Throw Away the Key.

The Right Way to Spank?

Dulce de Leche questions the common idea that spanking is not harmful when done without anger in Spanking In Anger — What Does It Matter?

Damaging Effects of Punishment on Children

GreeneGem explains the damage  which was done to her by her mothers trampling on her Boundaries.

Speaking of damage, did you know that when babies are left to cry it out, their little bodies are being flooded with Cortisol?   Discipleship Parenting looks at what  effect that has on them.

Meanwhile Pearl, from An Apprenticeship in the Art of Gentle Discipline, looks at the Spiritual Discipline of Parenting to Sleep.

Dealing With Anger

Claire at Dare to Disciple has a post about Dealing With Anger, or in other words, controlling our temper.

Another Pro-Spanker speaks out against Michael Pearl

Emily shares a quote from Michael Pearl and her response to it.  Ah, but she did not share where the quote can be found.  Lest anyone insist that they do not remember Mr. Pearl ever saying such a thing, I will share the citation.  It is from an article on the No Greater Joy Website called, Angry Child and was written by Michael Pearl in August of 1998.

Edited to add:  Emily has removed her blog post so I removed the link.  Here is the quote which upset her so, “I could break his anger in two days. He would be too scared to get angry. On the third day he would draw into a quiet shell and obey.”

Spanking and Proverbs – Part 3: Believer’s Behavior

Barefoot Betsy looks at “what the rest of the Bibles says about spanking in the light of what the Bible – in particular, the New Testament – says about how we, as Christians, are to behave” in Spanking and Proverbs- Part 3: Believer’s Behavior.

Carolyn’s Testimony in Response to the Shatz Story

Carolyn wrote  the following comment in response to That Mom’s post about Lydia Schatz and posted on my Facebook page.

I can totally understand how this is completely attributible to the Pearls teachings. We were introduced to these teachings when my children were little, and I believed pretty much all of what they had to say. We created child-training opportunities. We would calmly switch our daughters until they submitted. We had lovely obedient children (most of the time!).

Then, our 3rd daughter showed us that this didn’t always work!! She has Aspergers Syndrome (which wasn’t diagnosed until she was 10 years old), and this method simply did not work with her.

By the time she was about 4 years old, I was starting to feel like in order to live up to the Pearls teaching of smacking until repentance, I would be stepping from Biblical discipline into abuse. She could honestly keep up the stubborness for hour after hour after hour. [Read more…]

An Open Letter to Debi Pearl

Another wife has tried and tested Debi Pearl’s Book, Created To Be His Help Meet and found that it nearly destroyed both her and her marriage. She tells her story in An Open Letter To Debi Pearl.


Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F25%2Fnew-gentle-parenting-blog%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F23%2Fcarri-williams-kept-safe%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F17%2Fsouth-africa%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F16%2Fspoil-the-rod%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F07%2Fgender-space-in-biblical-times%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F10%2F05%2Fproblematic-post-by-pearl%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F04%2F27%2Fanger-and-repression%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179

Warning: file_get_contents(http://urls.api.twitter.com/1/urls/count.json?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwhynottrainachild.com%2F2013%2F04%2F26%2Fdiscipline-punishment%2F): failed to open stream: php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/hermana/public_html/wp-content/plugins/most-shared-posts/msp-fetch.php on line 179