Teaching Children How To Appolgize

JoEllen from CuppaCocoa explains how to teach children A Better Way To Say Sorry.  This method is phenomenal as are the results of teaching it.  As Dara Stoltzfus said on the Facebook page for this site.

I’ve used this approach with my kids and it’s really the best way to go. Just forcing the “I’m sorry” thing doesn’t help anyone or teach kids “why” they should be sorry. I find too that when you talk to them about what they did wrong, once they’re used to this way of apologizing, they do it on their own. They will spontaneously offer an apology and ask forgiveness without being prompted to do so once they understand “why” what they did was wrong.

And, the funny thing is…once my oldest…did something and then she came to me and asked me to forgive her and I realized at that moment that here…I’d been wanting to wallow in my anger. I wanted to stay mad at her. I wanted to somehow “make her suffer” for what she’d done (the effects of having been spanked showing thru in me) and when she asked me that I had to deal with that IN ME.

Thoughtful parenting really changes US in such amazing ways.

This post is part of a larger series on How To Shape Children’s Behavior.

She also has some good marriage advice.

Consequences of not spanking

Dara Stoltzfus tells us What Happens to Kids When You Don’t Spank.

“Life with Cerebral Palsy” with Stephanie Cox

Dara Stoltzfus has started a new series about our very own Steph called, “Life with Cerebral Palsy” with Stephanie Cox.

Here is what she has so far:

Introduction

The Chair!

Back to School!

The Holidays

New Things!

Love

$hopping

Ronan the horse

Questions for Pro-Spankers

Here are 10 questions to ask those who believe that the Bible commands us to spank our children.

Why Heather Schopp Stopped Spanking

Heather Schopp explains how she came to give up spanking in this testimony shared on Samuel Martin’s blog. This blog post is part of a Facebook discussion found here.

Dara Stoltzfus has this and other testimonies here.

Samuel Martin Explains About Biblical Times

Samuel Martin is trying to help people understand the difference in how people thought in Biblical times and now because this is crucial to understanding the Bible.

He discusses Michael’s book, To Train Up A Child in Should we preach? publish?, or proclaim the Gospel – Yes? No? Maybe?

He also has a post on Dara Stoltzfus’ blog about Gender Space in Biblical Times which I believe you will find interesting.

 

Jesus, the Greatest Superhero

Samuel Martin looks why Paul The Apostle did not use Proverbs and Parables in his teachings.

Dara Stoltzfus considers becoming more like Jesus, the Greatest Superhero.

Debate with Pearl in The Christian Post

Back in March of 2012, Jan Heimlich debated Michael Pearl in a video which was featured in The Christian Post.  Although, I did mention the debate at the time as well as Samuel Martin’s Rebuttal to one of his statements, I never gave my own rebuttal.

I would like to respond to some of Mr. Pearl’s statements.  Rather than transcribe his comments myself, I will use the quotes given in the Christian Post article.

… In our book, To Train up a Child, we clearly point out that parents should not spank when it doesn’t work; they should not spank when they’re angry. We point out that they should spank five or ten licks, no more. And we point out that the spanking should be in accordance to the size of the child. We point out they should never leave marks.

I really don’t know where he says not to spank when it doesn’t work. I would appreciate some help with that.  All I can find is him saying that if you are consistent, it will work.  Here is an example from To Train Up A Child (TTUAC)

 Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent come to almost never need the switch.

[Read more…]

Getting Rid Of Weeds

Dara Stoltzfus compares bad behavior in our children to Weeds in a Garden and comes up with some interesting allegories.

This is a little off topic, but I just came across a news story about a family who noticed their very gentle dog acting aggressively towards the baby sitter. They left a device under the couch to record and found out the awful truth.  I post this as a reminder to never dismiss strange behavior in animals or children.  When a small child or trusted pet suddenly shows explainable fear or aggression towards someone, take it as a red flag and investigate.

It is Not Abuse If It Doesn’t Leave a Mark?

Dara Stoltzfus considers the common assertion that Spanking Isn’t Abuse If It Doesn’t Leave A Mark.

What doesn’t kill you…

Dara Stoltzfus questions the common saying, “What doesn’t kill me makes me….”

And When They Become Teenagers? Then What?

Cindy Foster of The Baptist Taliban blog explains why she no longer believes in spanking in, I’m Coming Out!

Along similar lines, Dara Stoltzfus has some interesting things to say about parenting teenagers in Spanking puts the parent in a bad autopilot mode…

And speaking of Dara, she also takes a very good look at the question, Does more spanking = less crime and delinquency?

Consequences and Examples

Dara Stoltzfus discusses the influence we have on our children in What Do Your Kids See You Doing?

While you’re at Dara’s blog, you will also want to read, her very thought provoking post, Kids need consequences to learn right from wrong, don’t they?! in which she considers two possible responses to a child stealing and considers which would teach the child more.

Benefits of Gentle Parenting

Jesse Hoover writes about how being gentle allowed him to correct without losing his son’s heart in When An Iron Fist Turns Soft.

Dara Stoltzfus shares about how gentle parenting saved her life as she discusses blind obedience.

She Was Spanked And Is Not OK

Dara Stoltzfus shares another story which explains how she was Spanked and Did Not Turn Out Okay.

On a side-note, here is a pamphlet which discusses more ways in which spanked children may not turn out ok.

 

Anger and Repression

Dara Stoltzfus considers anger and how children are forced to repress it.  Many parents feel that it is best to teach their children to repress their anger.  Those parents will typically not understand why repressing anger is unhealthy because they misunderstand the Bible.  You can try to explain it to them, but they will rarely listen.  Once they are sure that they understand the Bible, they refuse to even consider that they might be wrong.  Dara discusses that mindset in another recent post.

Discipline = Punishment? Really?

Dara Stoltzfus looks at the question, if discipline equals punishment, why does (Self) Discipline not equal (Self) Punishment ?

New Site: “20” Reasons Not To Spank

When Dara Stoltzfus made a blog post entitled, “20 Reasons Not To Spank,” she found that it kept growing. It got so large that she ended up creating a new site entirely for that post. She is now up to 119 reasons… so far. Without further ado, I bring you, “20” Reasons Not To Spank, the website.

Dara Explains Natural Consequences

Note from Hermana Linda: Pam continues to ask thought provoking questions about how one can raise children without spanking. In This comment, she asks,

What do you mean by natural consequences? I think some of those are what I hoped for my children to avoid and why I view some punishment as a necessary part of discipline. Am I misunderstanding?

Dara Stoltzfus answered her question so well, I have asked her to reproduce her comment here. (Dara, I think I speak for everyone when I say, please don’t apologize for your many insightful words. ) [Read more…]

If You were Spanked, Are You Really OK?

Dara Stoltzfus asks those who were spanked if they are really okay.  Her questions are sure food for thought.

She also looks at how children develop trust that God hears us.  The answer might surprise you.

How Will They Learn Without Spankings?

Dara Stoltzfus considers the question, “How will kids learn if you don’t give them consequences?” as she again looks at training dogs.

Effects of Punitive Parenting

Dara Stoltzfus reflects on how punitive parenting has affected her inner being in I was spanked and I’m NOT OK: Why and what I do.

And just for fun, the Honest Toddler explains why it is futile to force your toddler to apologize. I know that this is meant to be funny, but there is an underlying element of truth to this and something to consider.   Here is more of the Toddler’s Eye View on life.

Bringing Out The Best In Our Children

Sara Mae shares how spanking was affecting her 2 1/2 year old’s self esteem and why she and her husband decided to stop in How Gentleness Makes Our Children Great.

Dara Stoltzfus also has noticed the importance of  a child’s self-worth and explains how we can encourage their inner beauty in Princes and Princesses on the Inside.

 

 

Reasons Not To Spank

Dara Stoltzfus has been thinking about Euphemisms as she gives us 20 Reasons not to Spank.

And for more food for thought from Dara, check out her thoughts on Abortion: A private matter?

When Gentle Discipline Fails

Dulce de Leche looks at how Gentle Discipline Failed Her. Or did it?

Along similar lines, MamaPsalmist considers the Gift of a Willful Child.

And Dara Stoltzfus continues her look at how she was spanked and did NOT turn out OK.

Fear

Dara Stoltzfus shares her testimony of growing up being spanked for every infraction in “I was spanked and I’m OK!” FEAR..

Goal of Parenting

We continue our look at the goal of parenting.

Dara Stoltzfus examines  Cooperation vs Compliance: Love vs Fear.

The Hippie Housewife considers Asking the right questions.

Even More Fruits of Gentle Discipline

Dara Stoltzfus has another story which demonstrates the fruits of not spanking.  With this story she makes the point that we really need to decide if our goal in parenting is obedience or to raise a thoughtful, loving, healthy adult.  For more stories like this, see my Fruits of Gentle Parenting Tag.

Also, see my next post for more about the Goals of Parenting.

More Fruits of Gentle Discipline

Dara Stoltzfus shares more fruits of  gentle parenting.  This fruit says that You’re Not a Failure.

Also, consider her post about Being punished for venting.

Fruits Of Not Spanking

Dara Stoltzfus writes about the compassion of a child who was never spanked in Tori Story: More fruit of not spanking/hitting my kids .

Along the same line she writes about the difference between those who have become inured to violence and the child who has never been hit and is therefore shocked by violence in Reacting to violence: “Been there done that”.