Christian child abuse: more works-based carnality

Churchmouse has posted an extensively researched look at Spiritual and Physical Abuse in Christian child abuse: more works-based carnality.  This is a long piece and well worth the time it will take to read it.

Christians Who Don’t Spank and Why

I came across 2 Christian bloggers who very eloquently explain why they don’t spank.

Spanking…..The Post I Finally Had to Write and Spare the Rod: What Spanking Teaches Children by Amanda at Not Just Cute

To spank or not to spank? by Raqual at Connected Christian Mom

Behaviorism at the Root of Child Training

Carissa Robinson explains that “If you observe most recommended Christian parenting practices today, you might be surprised to discover a secular influence: behavioral psychology” in Awaken Their Hearts.

Meanwhile, Greenegem explains the error in thinking that we have to DO anything more than believe in order to be saved in No Assembly Required.

The Effects Of Spanking – Part 2 *Sensitive*

(Part 1)

By now, people have read my very personal story.  I can’t begin to put into words how difficult that was for my family and me.  As I said in Part 1, the purpose of this series is to explore all of the effects of using physical punishment with children.  In this piece, I will be discussing denial as one of the many effects of spanking (hitting) children.  I will also share a couple of definitions of physical abuse, and will discuss the continuum of violence against children.

Denial—“I was spanked and I turned out OK”

One of the many, and most visible if one looks closely enough, effects of spanking and physical abuse is denial.  Denial is a psychological defense mechanism to any traumatizing or painful event.  This is why denial is one of the first steps in the grieving process.  It is easier to deny that something very painful has occurred than to deal with the pain head on.  How many times have we heard, “I was spanked and I’m okay,” from pro-spankers?  Go on the Internet and Google “spanking children,” and we get an array of pro-spankers arguing intensely with anti-spankers about how spanking isn’t harmful.  They base their arguments on their personal experiences.  They are often quick to become defensive, and even get downright angry, when anti-spankers try to gently point out how and why they are wrong.  This is due to the fact that it is very difficult to admit that their parents did hurt them as children, or that they are now hurting their own children.  Instead, they come back with the same arguments as to why spanking cannot possibly be harmful.  “One reason the harmful effects [of spanking] are ignored is because many of us (including those of us who are social scientists) are reluctant to admit that their own parents did something wrong and even more reluctant to admit that we have been doing something wrong with our own children.  But the most important reason may be that it is difficult to see the harm.  Most of the harmful effects do not become visible right away, often not for years.  In addition, only a relatively small percentage of spanked children experience obviously harmful effects” (Straus, 2006, p. 152-153).  Therefore, since the effects of physical punishment are rarely visible to parents and other adults, it makes it even easier to deny that they exist.

Denial begins at a young age when the physical punishment begins, whether it’s “lovingly” done or done in anger because they are taught that physical punishment is something parents do to children, and that it is for the children’s own good.  When children grow up being physically punished, they assume that all children are treated this way.  Spanking becomes a normal part of childhood until the children become old enough to find out that not all children are spanked.  Instead of admitting their parents were wrong, some children have internalized the painful message that they deserved to be hit, and that it was for their own good, that they use denial to deal with their pain.  Of course, guilt and shame also factor into denial.  I will be discussing guilt and shame in a future piece.  Of course, this is often compounded when the child sees that society accepts the hitting of children, and when he/she is taught that God also “accepts” or even “commands” that children be hit in His Name and in the name of “discipline.”

I like how Alice Miller, author of For Your Own Good, explains how denial can begin to develop in children when force and coercion are used with them from a young age.  Miller (1994) states,

 “We justifiably resist new exhortations if moral demands were frequently imposed upon us at too young an age.  Love of one’s neighbor, altruism, willingness to sacrifice—how splendid these words sound and yet what cruelty can be hidden in them simply because they are forced upon a child at a time when the prerequisites for altruism cannot possibly be present.  Coercion often nips the development of these prerequisites in the bud and what then remains is a lifelong condition of strain.  This is like soil too hard for anything to grow in, and the only hope at all of forcibly producing the love demanded of one as a child lies in the upbringing given one’s own children, from whom one then demands love in the same merciless fashion” (p. 8-9).

We can see that the cycle of denial can continue throughout many generations as children grow up denying that their parents mistreated them by hitting them, and therefore, treat their children the same way that their parents did.    Also, “Children do not want to be a burden to their parents, nor do they want to be the cause of pain and suffering” (Quinn, 1988, p. 44).  The passage from Miller reminds me of the parable Jesus taught about planting the seed (God’s Word) in different soils in Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23.  If the seed doesn’t fall on good, healthy soil, then it cannot take root.  When children are taught from a young age that physical punishment is a normal part of life in the parent-child relationship, it can be very difficult for them to accept the Truth later on that this indeed is not normal or even correct.

Going back to the idea that God “approves” of parents hitting their children, the children begin to believe that they are somehow evil, dirty, and that they deserve to be punished for their sins despite the fact that Jesus Christ has already paid the penalty for humanity’s sins.  For example, Lisa, a contributor of the Broken Daughters website shared her story.  She grew up in a Fundamental Christian home.  When, as a toddler, she began displaying developmentally appropriate (typical) behaviors for her age, her parents sought the advice of their pastor.  Their pastor convinced Lisa’s parents that Lisa’s developmentally appropriate behaviors were actually from the evil one and were sinful, and that her parents needed to harshly physically punish Lisa for them in order to free her from satan’s influence.  By then, Lisa’s parents had been reading other books such as To Train a Child in which the same advice was echoed.  In her story on the Broken Daughters website, Lisa describes the first time her parents beat her as a toddler.  Yes, she clearly remembers it despite being so young.  But what caught my attention even more and made me even sadder is what Lisa says after describing this horribly traumatizing experience.  She writes, “This wasn’t my only beating and by far not my severest, but it is one of the most prominent ones in my mind. It is hard for me to see the injustice in this until today. I was a bratty child. An evil child. That’s what I learned all my life. I find it hard to say that my parents beating me back then was wrong. I have been told by outsiders that it was, but it’s still a concept hard to grasp for me” (Lisa, 2011, http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/18/training-up-this-child-–-part-2-who-let-the-dogs-out/).  It is clear that Lisa, like many other children who are physically punished from young ages and throughout their childhoods, internalized the message that she deserved to be beaten for her sinful behavior, and finds it difficult to completely renounce her parents’ treatment of her even though she is fighting against the denial.

As I previously mentioned, children are quick to pick up on the societal and cultural norms in which they live.  Children, when made to feel safe and un-judged, will admit that physical punishment is indeed quite painful emotionally in addition to physically.  “In 2006, the final report was published of the UN Secretary-General’s Study on Violence against Children, the first comprehensive global study into the nature and extent of the problem. The Independent Expert leading the Study, Professor Paulo Sérgio Pinheiro, wrote in the report: ‘Throughout the study process, children have consistently expressed the urgent need to stop all this violence. Children testify to the hurt – not only physical, but ‘the hurt inside’ – which this violence causes them, compounded by adult acceptance, even approval of it’” (Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children-FAQ, 2011, http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html).  However, due to the fact that societal and cultural norms accept the use of physical punishment with children, compounded by the fact that even God “accepts” this, children’s cries for help go unheard, thereby, convincing children that this must be a good thing.  We’ve seen in my historical series that children haven’t been valued as they should, though, there have been some improvements along the way.  But sadly, society still tends to take the side of the adult rather than the child, thus, making the child feel as if he/she has no choice but to also take the side of the adult or otherwise face possible, or even more rejection, from the family, society, and God.  “Society takes the side of the adult and blames the child for what has been done to him or her.  The victimization of the child has historically been denied and is still being denied, even today.  This denial has made it possible for society to ignore the devastating effects of the victimization of the child for such a long time” (Miller, 2010, http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).

Repression often coincides with denial as part of denial is repressing painful events in order to not to have to deal with them.  Children are taught, even forced, at very young ages to repress their negative feelings.  For example, many great, loving parents will often shush their baby when the baby cries.  Or, parents will tell the infant, “You’re okay.”  These parents mean well and are doing their best to comfort the infant, but they are actually teaching their child that crying and having negative feelings are bad.  For some Christian pro-spankers, they will go so far as to spank infants for crying too much.  As children get older, many Christian pro-spankers such as James Dobson, Tedd Tripp, the Pearls, and Roy Lessin tell parents to spank the child again if they cry too long after the first spanking, act angry, or try to defend themselves during the spanking.  In his book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tripp (1995) states, “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him, how much it grieves you to spank him, and how you hope that it will not be necessary again. Then if he is still not restored, you are to check your own spirit to see if you have handled him roughly… [or] brought unholy anger on this holy mission, and if you have, seek forgiveness from God. If your child is still angry, it’s time for another round, ‘Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking’” (p. 149).  Lisa, who I previously mentioned, was spanked for being in a bad mood one day.  She writes on the Broken Daughters website:

“So, on that one day, I was in a very frustrated, grumpy mood. I barked at my siblings. I didn’t do my chores as thoroughly as I should and normally did. Come dinner time, I sat on my chair with a sour face, poking around in the mashed potatoes and not really eating. My mother told me to straighten up, which I did only half-heartedly. My dad asked me what happened, and I told him I didn’t know, I was just feeling a bad mood. Silence. Chewing. Let’s get over it.

After dinner, I was quick to clean up the dishes with my mom. I wanted some alone time. I was trying to carry the dishes as fast as I could. In my hurry, I dropped a glass. That wouldn’t have been a big deal on its own. But my mom was so stressed – so stressed. She started yelling at me, yelling away her day’s worth of frustration. After a few minutes of this, my dad came storming out of the living room, yelling at us both for disturbing his peace. My mom started crying and yelled back at him that I was impossible to raise and she needed him, that he was never around to be the strong leader he would like to be. That pushed my dad over the edge. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room. I heard my mom yell behind me that when I got back, she wanted a happy child and not this grumpy lump of clothes I was. My dad pulled me into the kid’s bedroom, got his cane off the closet and started beating me in fury. I was screaming my life out. My siblings started crying outside. My dad ran to the door, grabbed the first child he could get a hold of, which was Jacob, pulled him in too and gave him a spanking as well” (Lisa, 2011, http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/training-up-this-child-part-5-the-pearl-song/).

Sometimes, as children grow up learning to repress and deny the pain in which their parents have inflicted upon them, they actually begin to idealize their parents.  I know two women who were physically punished by their fathers, and to this day, neither women will admit that their fathers did anything wrong.  However, their brothers disagree with them as their fathers also physically punished their brothers.  “Fantasies always serve to conceal or minimize unbearable childhood reality for the sake of the child’s survival; therefore, the so-called invented trauma is a less harmful version of the real, repressed one” (Miller, 2010, http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).  The fact that, as I mentioned previously, so many pro-spankers, Christian and non-Christian alike, get so defensive whenever someone tries to lovingly point out the Truth about spanking and that it is harmful only further proves the harm.  We usually only get defensive and upset when we don’t want to admit we are wrong, or when something is painful.  It can be quite difficult to face facts rather than holding onto what we have been taught to believe from a young child.  The Bible tells us that God speaks to us in a still, small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13).  Look at what God says in Isaiah 30:21: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”  How can we hear God speak to us if we don’t allow Him to help us undo the denial and repression that our parents inflicted upon us because their parents did the same to them and so on?  If we choose not to listen to God and allow Him to break free from this denial and repression, then the cycle of abuse, physical punishment, and the use of other degrading methods of punishment will continue.  As Alice Miller (2010) states, “As beaten children are not allowed to defend themselves, they must suppress their anger and rage against their parents who have humiliated them, killed their inborn empathy, and insulted their dignity. They will take out this rage later, as adults, on scapegoats, mostly on their own children. Deprived of empathy, some of them will direct their anger against themselves (in eating disorders, drug addiction, depression etc.), or against other adults (in wars, terrorism, delinquency etc.)” (http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).  If we don’t allow God to truly work in our lives, satan will attack us.  Condemnation, denial, and repression are from satan.  Please pray to God for help if one of your first reactions to this is defensiveness as satan may be attacking you.  God forgives and does not condemn.

Is All Hitting Violence Toward Children?

There seems to be a continuum of violence when it comes to spanking children.  Imagine a line (one will be in my book to help make this clearer) and on the left hand on the line/continuum is a light slap or swat on a child’s covered bottom or on the child’s hand.  As we move toward the right side of this continuum, we have severe beating that leave the children seriously injured or dead.  In the middle of the continuum are things such as hitting the child’s bottom a few times with an open hand, hitting child’s bare bottom with an open hand, using an object to hit child’s bare bottom, and so on.  Many people see absolutely no problem with the light hitting that is on the left side of the continuum as that is often considered “loving discipline” and a parent’s duty in raising children.  But as we move towards the right side of the continuum, most people would agree that beating children to death is wrong.  In the middle of the continuum is where arguments within the pro-spanking community often begin as they don’t agree where the line between “discipline” and abuse should be placed.  As Phil E. Quinn (1988) points out in his book, Spare the Rod, “Contemporary society tends to believe that some hitting of children is good and acceptable as a parenting technique—but certainly not all hitting.  The good hitting, we euphemistically call spanking.  The bad hitting, we call child abuse.  The dilemma, as always, is, Where does spanking end and beating begin?  For too many parents, a spanking ends when bleeding begins” (p. 19).

There are some definitions at which I would like us to take a look.  First, let’s look at the definition of the word spank:

1.  Verb: “to strike (a person, usually a child) with the open hand, a slipper, etc., especially on the buttocks, as in punishment.”
2.  Noun: “a blow given in spanking; a smart or resounding slap” (www.dictionary.com).

Here is the definition of the word hit:

1.  Verb: “to deal a blow or stroke to.”
2.  Verb: “to come into violent contact with” (www.dictionary.com).

Here is the definition of the word abuse:

“Abuse is defined as any thing that is harmful, injurious, or offensive. Abuse also includes excessive and wrongful misuse of anything” (Gulli & Nasser, 2002, http://www.ask.com/health/galecontent/abuse).

As we can see these definitions are quite similar to each other.  Many pro-spankers try to claim that spanking and hitting children are two completely different things.  Yet, we see that the only difference between the definitions of hitting and spanking is that spanking says it is done on the child’s buttocks.  Other than that, there is no difference.  When we look at the definition of abuse, we see that it is any thing harmful or offensive.  Because spanking and hitting is always intended to inflict pain on a child, it is covered under the definition of abuse.  Pain means harm is being done to the body.  As I pointed out in Part 1 of my series, “The Christian History of Spanking,” the body uses pain to alert us that injury is either taking place or is about to take place.  Plus, there is emotional pain that always occurs when a person—child or adult—is hit against his or her will.  That’s why we run away from both physical and emotional pain.  It isn’t fun unless one needs it for sexual pleasure, which we will discuss in a future piece of this series.  There are two more definitions of abuse that we need to consider.  The first is by Phil E. Quinn.

Quinn (1988) defines abuse as “any assault, whether verbal, sexual, or physical, or any deprivation of basic health and welfare necessities—regardless of severity, parental intention, or observable effects on the child” (p. 18).

The second definition of abuse we need to look at is by Alice Miller.  Miller (2010) defines abuse as “Humiliations, spankings and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away” (http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller).

I understand that these definitions will upset many people because no parent wants to think that he/she is or has abused his/her children.  And most grown children do not want to think that their parents abused them.  This is very painful and difficult to face and accept.  But, all of these definitions are meant to be preventive.  They are not meant to condemn anyone.  However, if we allow light hitting of children, then light hitting could easily, and usually does, lead to more severe hitting—even if it is totally unintentional.  The reason for this is that children tend to build up a tolerance to spanking depending on their personalities.  So, a light slap on the hand or bottom might work well for a toddler, but is usually not effective enough for a 3 or 4-year-old.  But children deserve the same rights as adults when it comes to being hit.  If we lightly slap another adult against his/her will, we can be arrested and charged with assault!  It shouldn’t matter how old or big someone is, he/she should be protected from having harm inflicted on him/her by another person.  It should not be left up to parents how much pain can be inflicted on their children because “children can be subjected to an incredible amount of pain and suffering before our perception of parental prerogative changes to one of parental abuse” (Quinn, 1988, p. 19).

Conclusion

The effects of spanking/abuse are very real otherwise people wouldn’t need to get defensive when their beliefs that spanking is not harmful.  Look at any article on the Internet such as, Judge has harsh words for Mom before sentencing her for spanking her kid, and we see many angry comments from pro-spankers about how good spanking is.  This is denial as it is too painful for some people to admit that hitting children is wrong and causes harm.  Yet, their comments only testify to the harm that spanking causes.  Repressing, denying, and projecting the pain from spanking/abuse only causes the cycle of physical punishment to continue.  God never intended this for His children—big and small, young and old!  We must face the Truth, even when it hurts, and walk into the Light instead of stumbling around in the darkness.  “Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God” John 3:19b-21.

(Read Part 3)

Reference:

Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children. (2011).  FAQ. http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html

Broken Daughters-Lisa.  (2011).  http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/18/training-up-this-child-–-part-2-who-let-the-dogs-out/

Broken Daughters-Lisa.  (2011).  http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/training-up-this-child-part-5-the-pearl-song/

Gulli & Nasser. (2002). Abusehttp://www.ask.com/health/galecontent/abuse

Miller, A.  (1994). For your own good.  New York, NY: The Noonday Press.

Miller, A.  (2010).  How is emotional blindness created? http://www.squidoo.com/alice-miller

Quinn, P. E.  (1988). Spare the rod.  Nashville, TN: Aboington Press.

Straus, M. A.  (2006). Beating the devil out of them.  New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.

Tripp, T.  (1995). Shepherding a child’s heart.  Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press.

 

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 6

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

This will be the conclusion of this series in which we have explored and discovered some of the origins of spanking children within Christianity.  It was my goal to show that spanking is from man and not God, as so many well-meaning Christians have believed throughout the ages.  In this paper, I will show how the idea of controlling children dates back to the early church in the ancient world, look at how Catholicism has advocated and used physical punishment with children, show the likely origin of the “Christian rules of how to spank children,” and will conclude with explaining Behaviorism and how physical punishment falls under that very old and outdated branch of Psychology.

The Origins of the Christian Need to Control Children

Many Christian advocates of spanking as well as the parents who follow these advocates are often quite concerned with controlling their children’s behavior, and really, one could say controlling their children.  Advocates such as James Dobson, the Ezzos, the Pearls, and others teach parents that they must be in control of their children from birth.  They claim that newborn infants must be taught that their parents are the bosses, not them.  If this sounds familiar, it is because control and breaking children’s wills go hand and hand.  We’ve seen how breaking the child’s will has been advocated for and done by Christians throughout history despite there being no biblical grounds for doing such a thing (See Parts 1, 2, & 3 for more info on breaking children’s wills).  This need for adults to control their children dates back to New Testament times.  In fact, certain verses of the New Testament are used to try and justify controlling one’s children.

1 Timothy and Titus are known as the Pastoral Epistles.  However, like Ephesians and Colossians, these books have passages about family relations.  Unlike Ephesians and Colossians, 1 Timothy and Titus have qualifications that leaders of the church must meet in order to be considered for such leadership positions.  In particular, 1 Timothy 3:4-12 and Titus 1:6 say that leaders of the church must manage their family well and “see that his children obey him” 1 Timothy 3:4a.  At this point, we must look at a bit of historical context in which all four of these books, written by the Apostle Paul, were written.  In the New Testament period after Jesus ascended into Heaven, followers of Christ began gathering in homes in order to worship Jesus and be taught from The Word as the disciples and apostles wrote the letters and books that now comprise the New Testament.  Some books and letters were written for certain groups, churches, and people based on the circumstances of the time and geographical locations.  The books of Ephesians and Colossians are clearly written to be read aloud to congregations that would meet in homes of certain people to worship “as we are reminded by Colossians 4:16: ‘Once this letter has been read among you, see that it is read also to the church at Laodicea, and that you in turn read my letter to Laodicea.’  Each group in these ethical lists—husbands, wives, children and slaves—was addressed because these people were present in the meeting for worship and would hear the letter being read out” (Strange, 2004, p. 73-74).  Ephesians and Colossians clearly expected every group of people regardless of age and occupation to be present at worship meetings.  Therefore, the teachings of these two books for the Christian household address both sides of these relationships.  And as I’ve pointed out throughout my series entitled “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” the verse in Ephesians that prefaces the Christian household teachings is 5:21 which states, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  It is clear that Paul had Christ’s radical teachings about everyone being equal and the great being last and the servant being first in the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 19:30; Mark 9:35) when he wrote Ephesians and Colossians because although there is a hierarchical order in each of these relationships, there is also mutuality.  Husbands are not to dominate their wives just as parents are not to dominate their children.  There’s a sense of equal responsibility to each other in each relationship.    “In at least some congregations, therefore, children were not merely passive spectators on the edge of what was going on, but were taught and encouraged alongside adults during the course of the church’s meeting for worship… Significantly also, Colossians and Ephesians make the responsibilities of parents and children mutual (Emphasis added by Steph).  If children owe their parents the duty of respect, no less do parents their children of consideration.  This was quite a radical idea in the culture of the time, where a far more one-way relationship would be the norm” (Strange, 2004, p. 74).

I would like to point out another great example of Jesus teaching equality when it comes to the Kingdom of Heaven.  Let’s look at Matthew 20:1-16.  In this parable told by Jesus, a landowner goes out and finds servants that have not been hired.  The first servants are hired early in the day and agree to do a full day’s work in the fields for a denarii.  As the day goes on, the landowner continues to hire servants to work in his fields, each agreeing to work for a denarii.  At the end of the day, all of the hired servants come to be paid by the landowner.  Every servant received a denarii for his work.  When the servants that had worked all day in the field saw that the servants that had only worked for a few hours or less in the field received the same amount of pay as them, they were quite frustrated with the landowner and questioned him about this.  Look how the landowner answered the servants: “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? 14 Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’” Matthew 20:13-15.  It is clear that Jesus does not favor those who have been following Him longer.  Nor is anyone a worse sinner than another.  Yes, we will all be judged and receive different rewards based on our own relationship with God, but He views and loves everyone equally.   Jesus has called us into a new way of living in which family life are no longer absolute, “but moulded by the demands of the kingdom (Strange, 2004, p. 75).  As we have seen in Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” and some in Part 5 of this series, fathers had unlimited authority during the first century and more than likely in the previous centuries leading up to the first century.  Discipline was often heavy-handed with the use of physical punishment (Bunge, 2001; Strange, 2004).  But Christ changed all of that when He came.  His message was one of peace, mercy, and forgiveness instead of violence.  “Here in Colossians and Ephesians, we see a practical expression of Jesus’ vision for the family and the kingdom of God.  Here the family is no longer an autocratic institution, but a place for all members to grow together in their common life in Christ.  Something similar could be said about the way the relationship of masters and slaves is made mutual in Colossians and Ephesians (Col. 3:22-4.1, Eph. 6:5-9)” (Strange, 2004, p. 75).  Christ values mutuality over dominance.

Sadly, it seems that many Christians do not understand this, as throughout the centuries paternal control over the family is what is often emphasized in most fundamental and even some evangelical churches.  I believe that the Scriptures that these churches tend to focus on outside of the Old Testament to justify paternal control of the family are the verses I mentioned above, 1 Timothy 3:1-15 and Titus 1:6.  Since 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus were also written by the Apostle Paul, we might begin to wonder if Paul is contradicting himself because these books have a very different feel when it comes to instructions for the Christian family.  The answer to this question is no.  Why?  Because 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus were written for pastors and other leaders of the church.  That is why these books are referred to as the Pastoral Epistles.  They were not read aloud to the congregation during worship meetings as Ephesians and Colossians were.  These books were also more in line with the cultural norms of the first century as well as were meant to aid in the management of the church.  “It is often remarked by commentators that the Pastoral Epistles conform to the received ethical opinions and dominant social expectations of the surrounding culture of the day… Of the two ways of understanding the Christian family, it was that of the Pastoral Epistles which predominated in early Christianity” (Strange, 2004, p. 77).  Just as the view of how the Christian families were dominant in the ancient world, they still are dominant today.

People, in general, seem to have a superiority complex.  It wasn’t until the 1960s that we had the Civil Rights Movement making Black and White people equal when it came to the U.S. laws.  It wasn’t until 1990 that the Americans with Disabilities Act was passed in order to protect people with disabilities from discrimination.  And although this country has made great progress in providing people with equal rights, we have a long way to go as racism, discrimination, and ageism are still very much alive in this country and all over the world.  Due to our sinful nature, we have a tendency to want to be in control.  Therefore, it is understandable that some Christians tend to ignore what Ephesians and Colossians have to say about family life except for the verses that tell children to obey their parents and focus on what 1 Timothy and Titus say about how a Christian family should be run.  In 1 Timothy and Titus, dominance over the people lower on the hierarchical chain is now emphasized rather than a mutual relationship.  Children are left out of the pictures except for how leaders of the church are to manage them.  “In 1 Timothy 3:4f. we are told that the bishop or overseer must control his children without losing his dignity, and that the way he manages his household is a mark of his ability to manage a congregation.  A similar quality is also required in a deacon (1 Tim. 3:12), and, as Titus lays down, in an elder (Tit. 1:6)” (Strange, 2004, p. 75).  While this type of management works well within the church itself, it is quite harmful for individual Christian families as each member of that family should have a respectful, mutual relationship with each other.  I am in no way implying that the husband is not the head of the household, he certainly is (Ephesians 5:23).  While the church is God’s household as 1 Timothy 3:15 states, it is important to remember that “the letters themselves are in the form of an address to church leaders, rather than to the whole congregation” (Strange, 2004, p. 76).   These passages should not be used to place children under their parents’ discipleship nor justify parental control as some Christians try to do.  “Children’s discipleship, which was given its own place in Colossians and Ephesians, was absent from the Pastoral Epistles.  Children have become part of their parents’ discipleship; they make their appearance only on the margin as objects of control and as problems requiring proper management” (Strange, 2004, p. 76).  Taken alone, it is quite easy to misuse these passages to justify the need to control children.  This is why we must understand the context in which they were written and for whom they were written.

Shepherds must control their herds.  Control in this context means to oversee, guard, and steer the flock to abundant food and water.  This is exactly what our church leaders as well as parents should be doing.  Shepherds also protect their flocks from harm.  Jesus does this with us if we allow Him (John 10:1-5).  He even laid down His life for us.  We must follow His example.   Acts 20:28-30 states, “Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.”  And most importantly 1 Timothy 3:2-5 says that while a church leader must manage his family well and see to it that his children obey him, he must also be “above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?”  I have bolded two important phrases that some Christians seem to ignore.  The leader is to be gentle and see that his children obey him in a way that is worthy of respect!  Somehow I don’t think spanking a child or using other forms of harsh punishment meets these particular qualifications.

Over the centuries, people have always seemed to equate respect with fear as if these two words are interchangeable.  The Bible often says to fear the Lord (see Part 5 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for more information regarding what fear the Lord actually means).  I would like to look at the definitions of fear and respect.  Dictionary.com defines fear as “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.”  The definition of respect according to Dictionary.com is “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.”  And “to hold in esteem or honor.”  As we can clearly see, fear and respect have absolutely nothing to do with each other.  What I find even more interesting is that the definition for fear contains the words “evil” and “pain” whereas respect does not.  This makes sense because fear is not from God as 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”  It makes me wonder why so many Christians believe that fear and respect are one in the same.  People, especially children, that fear someone will often do something not because they want to or respect the person, but because they are afraid of the person and want to avoid painful punishment.  Sadly, some parents do not care why their children obey them just as long as they do.  Unfortunately, parents who use fear and punishment to make their children obey them are actually teaching their children to be selfish as the child is not thinking about doing something for another person but rather to protect him/herself from punishment.  We should not be teaching our children to only do things to avoid punishment, as the Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” Philippians 2:3.  Also, as we shall see in my next series entitled, “The Effects of Spanking,” not only does spanking hurt the parent-child relationship, it also causes children to become more rebellious especially as they get older.  Craig Hart is the author of the article called, “Three Essential Parenting Principles” that was published in the Spring 2003 issue of BYU Magazine.  He is quoted in Janet Heimlich’s book, Breaking Their Will, which states, “’While coercion often leads to immediate conformance by the child, research indicates it rarely results in a long-term solution and often leads to the child’s being more defiant, depressed, aggressive or withdrawn, and manipulative in the home and with peers,’ writes Hart” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 86).

In conclusion, while the passages in 1 Timothy and Titus are important for how churches are to be run and provide some guidance on family life issues, they should not be our sole references of how families should be run.  Sadly, since ancient times, Christians have had a need to control their children.  Christian advocates have taught parents to do this through harsh treatment and punishment of children despite Christ’s radical teachings regarding family and children.   “The Didache, or Teaching of the Apostles (date uncertain, but probably early second century) speaks to parents about the need not to ‘withold your hand’ [in punishment] from your son or daughter, but to bring them up in the fear of the Lord (Didache 4.9).  Polycarp, Bishop of Smyrna (c. 69-c. 155), wrote to the Philippians with moral instruction, which, like Clement’s before him, spoke to the men about how they were to instruct their wives.  Among the wife’s duties was ‘to educate the children in the education of the fear of God’ (Polycarp, Philippians 4.2)” (Strange, 2004, p. 77).  I believe the following passage from Strange (2004) sums up the cultural and Christian origins of the need to control children and minorities:

“The modern observer is likely to have little sympathy with what can be seen the way in which the second-century church treated its women and children members.  The emergence of the patriarchal structure which we see in the writings of the Apostolic Fathers (Clement, Polycarp, Ignatius) may look, from our point of view, like a decline—both from the teaching and example of Jesus and from the insights of Paul about the child’s inclusion among God’s people.

But before we dismiss the course taken by the church, we should bear two things in mind.  The first is that the church adopted a form of existence which would allow it to work with the grain of the surrounding culture, which, as we saw in chapter one, was markedly patriarchal.  This adaptation, which seems to have well under way by the time the Pastoral Epistles were written, was perhaps a necessary evolution for the church to maintain its witness.  Further, as a matter of principle, we recall that Jesus’ own ministry to children was through their parents.  The second century church was therefore developing in a line with the precedent of Jesus’s own ministry” (p. 82).

We have been focusing on Fundamentalist Protestant Christians throughout this series on the Christian history of spanking children.  However, Fundamental Christians are not the only ones to have a long history of control, fear of Hell and satan, and the breaking of the will through the use of physical punishment with their children.  As we will see in this next section, Roman Catholics also contribute to the dark history of hitting children in the name of God.

Catholicism and Spanking

The Roman Catholic Church has a long history of using physical punishment with children.  This should not be surprising considering how violent the first century Romans were (see Part 7 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will for more information).  In fact, it wasn’t until 1980 that most Catholic schools banned the use of corporal punishment.  Unfortunately, some Catholic schools as well as some public schools still permit the use of corporal punishment.  These schools are primarily in the Southern states.  The use of spanking children in schools dates back to Colonial times as the Puritans were not the only ones that took Native American children from their families in order to “civilize” them.  In fact, there was a Catholic mission boarding school called St. Francis located in South Dakota that had a long history of using harsh physical punishment as well as other abuses with the Native American children that were literally torn from their families and forced to attend this school.  In an article published in 1990 in Lakota Woman called, “Civilize Them with a Stick,” one Native American woman describes her family’s experiences in St. Francis:

 “They used a horse buggy whip on my grandmother then she was put back into the attic— for two weeks.

My mother had much the same experiences but never wanted to talk about them, and then there I was, in the same place. The school is now run by the BIA— The Bureau of Indian Affairs— but only since about 15 years ago. When I was there, during the 1960s, it was still run by the church. The Jesuit fathers ran the boys wing and the sisters of the Sacred Heart ran us—-with the help of the strap. Nothing had changed since my grandmother’s days. I’ve been told recently that even in the 70s they were still beating children at that school. All I got out of school was being taught how to pray. I learned quickly that I would be beaten if I failed in my devotions or, God forbid, prayed the wrong way, especially prayed in Indian to Wakan Tanka, the Indian Creator” (Dog & Erdoes, 1990, p. 565-566).

 

Most Christian parents, Catholics included, spank their children for the remissions of sins, meaning that the spanking is to cleanse the child from the sin that they have committed by disobeying their parents.  After a child is spanked, the child is supposedly free from the guilt of his/her sin since he/she has paid the penalty for his/her sin and can be forgiven by his/her parents and God.  In an article written by Crystal Lutton, author of the book, Biblical Parenting, she suggests that one of the origins of the practice of spanking may be with the Catholics.  In her article entitled, “The History of Spanking,” Crystal Lutton (2011) states, “There is an interesting history of spanking. From its earliest practice, in Ancient Greece, spankings were administered to adults. It was a pagan practice for increasing fertility in barren women who were spanked by the pagan priests and later was introduced into the Catholic Church as a means of adult women having their sins removed through the spankings of the priest after confession” (http://aolff.org/spare-the-rod/the-spanking-files-2/history-of-spanking).  While I trust Crystal Lutton’s vast knowledge in this area, I personally have no other references that say the same thing, therefore, hesitate to guarantee this as absolute fact.  At the same time, I do believe that we must consider this as a possibility.  At the very least, this shows how far back spanking goes in the history of Catholicism.

The Catholics have their own version of the Bible in which they tout as God’s Word.  The Catholic Bible contains all of the books of the Holy Bible in which Protestants use, but it also contains some other books that are not in the Protestant Holy Bible.  One such book is Sirach.  Sirach seems to be quite similar to the book of Proverbs and is located in the Old Testament of the Catholic Bible.  Like Proverbs, there is a verse in Sirach that seems to strongly advocate for the use of physical punishment with young children.  Sirach 30:12 states, “Bow down his neck while he is young, and beat his sides while he is a child, lest he grow stubborn, and regard thee not, and so be a sorrow of heart to thee” (DRA 1899 American Version).  The next verse in Sirach seems to indicate that a child should not play but be put to work in order to control his behavior.  “Instruct thy son, and labour about him, lest his lewd behaviour be an offence to thee” (DRA 1899 American Version).  As an Evangelical, Bible-based Christian, I don’t know if Catholics take these verses literally or what exactly is meant by them.  Given the fact that Catholicism has a long history of using physical punishment with children both at school and in the home, I would guess that the majority of Catholics have taken these verses as well as the rod verses in Proverbs literally.  At many of the Catholic schools, children have been hit with rulers.  Their hands, heads, and bottoms are some of the locations in which children have been hit with rulers as a form of  “discipline” at school.   “Not willing to wait for God or the devil to get us, the Church had its own brand of punishment. Humiliation tactics were a specialty of the Church. Corporal punishment was quite common. Anyone who ever went to a Catholic grammar school can vouch for that. Guilt and anxiety were always favorites of the Nuns. As if the fear of God they laid on you was not enough, the Nuns took matters into their own hands. More than a few children were hoping the devil got to them before the Nuns and their Rosary’s did” (Cooney, 2003, http://fspp.net/Articles/crumbling_walls.htm).  How sad that, again, children were turned off to God due to how they were treated.  Not only that, children were often hit in these Catholic schools for every little act that was consider an act of defiance as we saw in the Native American woman’s description.  “According to Irwin A. Hyman, author of Reading, Writing, and the Hickory Stick: The Appalling Story of Physical and Psychological Abuse in America’s Schools, Catholic schools have a long history of using physical punishment for just about every perceived act of defiance on the part of students.  Speaking about disciplinary methods that were widespread decades ago, Hyman notes, ‘No restraint was considered prudent in the vigorous application of the yardstick on open hands, across knuckles, and to derrieres in an effort to save the souls of errant youth’” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 89).  And while corporal punishment, as I mentioned previously, has been banned in most Catholic schools, children attending the more conservative Catholic schools in the South are at a higher risk of being spanked while in school.

Much like Fundamental Christians, Catholics have often feared Hell and the devil when it comes to one of the reasons they spank their children.  They have often believed that they could “beat the devil” out of their children.  As we have seen throughout this series, fear of Hell and satan is a common thread among Christian pro-spankers.  “For a very long time, Christians have associated demons and the devil with sinfulness.  In the late 1500s, each of the seven deadly sins was paired with a demon.  Many Christians speak of sin as what separates believers from God—a separation that makes a person vulnerable to being possessed by Satan or demons.  Therefore, some Christians believe that when a child misbehaves—thereby exposing his or her sinfulness—a proper remedy is to drive out the evil forces that might have taken over the child’s soul” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 103).  In case one is wondering what exactly are the seven deadly sins, they are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.  It seems that the Catholic Church divides these sins into two categories: Venial and Mortal Sins.  Sacraments are often used to restore the relationship between a Catholic who has committed one of these sins, especially if he/she committed one in the Mortal Sins category, and God.  Otherwise, a Catholic may face eternal damnation according to the Catholic Church.  The Protestant Holy Bible mentions 7 things that God hates and detests in Proverbs 6:16-19.  And interestingly, the opposite of the fruits of the Spirit described in Galatians 5:19-21 seem to highly correspond with these seven deadly sins.

The fear of satan is exactly what drove Matt’s mother to use physical punishment with him when he was a child.  Janet Heimlich interviewed 60-year-old Matt in her book, Breaking Their Will.  His story is a perfect example of how Christian parents can allow fear from satan dictate how they raise and treat their children:

 “She would take me into the utility room, her domain, and pull this big belt off of the wall which she had hung in the closet.  I think it was my uncle’s Marine belt—one of those big wide leather belts with the big brass buckle on it—and she’d whale on me, on my bottom and the backs of my thighs.  Every once in a while she would ask me to pull down my pants and do it on my bare skin.  I do remember a couple of times that she was hitting me so hard and flailing so hard that she lost control of the belt, and the buckle hit me a couple of times and made these gashes in my skin.  Generally, I’d start crying and yelling, and then she’d say ‘OK, go to your room.’  And I’d go to my room, and not only would I close the door to my room, but I’d go in my closet, and I’d close the door to my closet so I had double protection.  And then I would cry, and say things like, ‘Nobody loves me,’ and ‘I hate my mom.’

Matt’s mother likely had a problem controlling her anger, yet there was another force at play: her religious beliefs.  The woman was a devout Catholic and was petrified of the devil” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 75).

Sadly, many Christian parents who are trying so hard to save their children from the devil by using physical punishment with them don’t realize that they are playing right into satan’s hands.  Satan knows our weaknesses.  He also knows that children believe in God at birth, and therefore, wants to do everything he can to destroy their natural faith in God by having their parents teach a wrong and distorted view of who God truly is through hitting the children in His Name.  We must remember that satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), and that “devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).

This leads me to a well-known ritual practiced primarily by Catholics, but is also practiced by some Protestant groups, called exorcism.  “What is exorcism?  Dictionary.com defines it as ‘to seek to expel (an evil spirit) by adjuration or religious or solemn ceremonies’” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 269).  When we think of exorcism, we usually think of Jesus commanding an evil spirit or demon to come out of a person as well as a Catholic Priest doing the same thing.  We also think of the movie, The Exorcist.  We usually don’t think of anything physical being done to the person with the evil spirit except for maybe being restrained so the demon doesn’t throw the person around and/or the laying of hands on the person in order to bless them.  I never thought beatings could be a part of an exorcism.  I also didn’t know exactly how many children have undergone exorcisms until I began researching physical punishment in the Roman Catholic Church.  Sadly, physical punishment seems to be done during exorcisms in which a child is involved because, as I have been pointing out all throughout this series, many pro-spankers truly believe that spanking and beating children can purify their souls.  “For this matter, repeated corporal punishment designed to ‘beat the devil’ out of children…can constitute a form of ritual abuse” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 269).

Many children have had an exorcism done due them for any number of reasons including typical developmentally appropriate behaviors, challenging behavioral problems, certain physical conditions or disabilities such as Epilepsy, mental or emotional problems or conditions, and even sleepwalking.  Of course, children with special needs and behavioral problems are at a much greater risk for both physical punishment and exorcism.  “We should also be concerned that children with special needs or behavioral or psychological problems are not getting help because they are mistakenly viewed as being possessed by demons.  In these cases, children may be denied access to specialists and undergo exorcisms” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 275).  Unfortunately, being beaten during an exorcism not only causes physical and psychological harm to children, but in some cases it has caused death.

“On April 14, 2008, authorities said that twenty-five-year-old Nelly Vasquez-Salazar of Waukegan, Illinois, confessed to brutally slashing to death her 6-year-old daughter, Evelyn Vasquez, because she believed that the child was possessed by the devil.  The child reportedly had been stabbed eleven times.  What apparently led the mother to suspect demons was her daughter’s habit of sleepwalking.  According to police, Vasquez-Salazar told her mother that she would wake up and find Evelyn standing by her bed.  Her mother then reportedly told her that the child was possessed” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 268).

Now before we shrug this off as one of the more extreme cases, another example of a child dying from an exorcism is Terrance Cottrell.  Terrance had autism and had undergone many exorcisms in order to rid him of the supposed evil spirit causing his autism.  Autism causes children to usually not want to be touched or to make eye contact with another person.  Therefore, we can imagine how upset Terrance would get during exorcisms with people touching him, surrounding him, chanting and praying.  During his final exorcism, the pastor sat on Terrance’s chest in order to restrain him, “which led to his being suffocated by the pastor” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 275).  It is important to note that these parents who physically punish and have their children go through exorcisms, for the most part, truly believe that what they are doing is truly right and good.  As I’ve said throughout all my series, parents want to obey God in order to raise godly children.  It’s just too bad that “experts and authorities” that use their weaknesses to gain these parents’ trust are leading these parents down the wrong path.  It is also too bad that our focus isn’t more on God’s Word and Its true meaning.

What I find even more interesting when it comes to exorcism is the following verse found in Matthew 8:16 which states, “When evening came, many who were demon-possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick.”  Jesus drove out demons not by beating the person with the demon, but as the verse says, with a word!  And we see this all throughout the New Testament that demons and evil spirits are rebuked and driven out verbally!  Also, while there are demons and evil spirits on this Earth reeking havoc for satan, we must be cautious in determining whether someone is absolutely possessed by a demon because God is the only One truly “trained” and able to cast out demons and evil spirits.  He will guide the correct person to expel the demon out with a word if absolutely necessary.  Therefore, it is quite clear from Scripture that “beating the devil out of them” is not biblical.  As I’ve shown, “Parents who frequently spank their children due to beliefs that this treatment can rid a child of evil spirits can cause serious, even deadly, injury…The tragic death of Josef Smith, the eight-year-old boy who died from having been physically abused by his parents…As it turns out, the parents’ fear of Josef being possessed by a demon likely played a role in his death” (Heimlich, 2011, p. 275).

In conclusion of this section about Catholicism and the use of physical punishment with children, I would like to take a brief look at St. Augustine as he had a major influence over some of the people that I have discussed in this series.  St. Augustine (354-430) was a great theologian.  He was extremely interested in children, especially infants.  He believed in original sin and that every child was born with a sinful nature.  “Augustine watched infants closely and attempted to put into words this world without language.  Augustine described tenderly the smiles of sleep and the comfort of nursing, but juxtaposed these occasions of serenity with a newborn’s jealous rage when, even after it had been fed, it saw another infant at a nurse’s breast” (Stortz, 2001, p. 83 & 84).  Despite his belief in a child’s sinfulness beginning at birth as well as his being physically punished as a child, St. Augustine did not believe that children ought to be spanked by adults.  “While children in this age of life can exhibit temper tantrums and extreme acts which many modern Christian smacking advocates have urged parents to repress with corporal punishment, Augustine gave no such advice” (Martin, 2006, p. 159).  Also, Augustine didn’t like the inequity between adults and children as they both sinned, but yet, children were the ones getting punished for it.  “That basic inequity between children and adults marked his childhood: ‘The schoolmaster who caned me was behaving no better than I was.’  Though childhood was full of reprehensible actions, Augustine did not favour punishing children as severely as adults” (Martin, 2006, p. 160).

It is clear from what we’ve seen throughout this section that the Roman Catholics have a dark history of using fear, control, and physical punishment in the Name of God just as Fundamental Christians do.  We have also seen a possibility that the origins of spanking for the remissions of sins may have begun with ancient Catholicism.  And finally, we’ve seen that using physical punishment to rid children of evil spirits has been done throughout history even though it has no biblical basis.  While not all Catholics have advocated for nor used corporal punishment with children, sadly, a great deal have.

In the next section, we will discover the origins of the “rules” for “lovingly” spanking.

From Where the “Rules” for a “Loving Christian Spanking” Come

I have often wondered where the current as well as historical Christian advocates of spanking came up with the rules of a “loving, godly” spanking.  After all, there are supposedly two types of spankings in our current culture—the godly spanking versus the cultural spanking.  According to many Christian pro-spankers, the cultural spanking is when non-believers spank their children out of anger or frustration.  Of course, Christians are capable of spanking their children out of anger or frustration.  According to the Christian advocates of spanking children who claim to be biblical and child “experts,” spanking in anger is what causes all the adverse effects of spanking in children.  They claim that a “godly” spanking done without anger and “lovingly” is not harmful to children in any way.  In fact, James Dobson (1996) states, “For example, a dime sized bruise on the buttocks of a fair-skinned child may or may not indicate an abusive situation. It all depends. In an otherwise secure and loving home, that bruise may have no greater psychological impact than a skinned knee or a stubbed toe. Again the issue in not the small abrasion; it is the meaning behind it” (p. 25).  Therefore, as long as the child is physically punished in the “correct and loving way,” that even if the spanking leaves marks and bruises on the child’s bottom, legs, or hands (the most common places for children to be spanked) it will not do any psychological or emotional harm to the child.  We’ll come back to this in the upcoming series called, “The Effects of Spanking.”

So, what exactly are some of these “rules” for a “loving, godly, Christian” spanking?  They are:

  1. Never spank in anger.
  2. Always spank lovingly.
  3. Spank only for outright disobedience or harmful behavior.
  4. Tell the child exactly why he/she is being spanked before and after the spanking.
  5. Explain to the child that Jesus wants the parent to discipline him/her because the child sinned by disobeying the parent.
  6. Hug and comfort the child after the spanking

Of course, there are different variations of these rules depending on which Christian pro-spanking advocate one consults.  Another “rule” that often varies among Christian advocates of spanking is whether or not to use one’s hand or an object to spank the child because for some, the hand is part of the parent and should symbolize love and care to the child.  However, what I find quite interesting is that there are no such “rules” on how to correctly spank a child.  God always provides instructions on important subjects such as prayer, marriage, sex, and forgiveness for us to follow.  Jesus has provided us with numerous parables that illustrate the numerous important topics about which He spoke.  Since spanking a child is very important, why are there no specific instructions or examples for how to appropriately spank children?  Some Christians use Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26 which states, “In your anger do not sin” in order to say that these “rules” for spanking children are indeed biblically based.  However, this verse is not a direct instruction of how to spank.  Yes, it can be applied to spanking but this is the only verse, besides the rod verses, that can be applied as the rest of Scripture is more against than for spanking.

To answer our original question of where do the “rules” for the “loving and godly” spanking originate, I recently read a wonderful article by Dulce de Leche entitled, “Spanking in Anger-What Does it Matter?”  In her article, she discovers one of the origins of these “rules” for spanking.  There is a book that was written by Dorothy Spencer that was published in 1936 that explains domestic adult discipline.  It is called The Spencer Spanking Plan.  As part of the domestic adult discipline, husbands are instructed in how to appropriately spank their wives.  “Finally, the origin of the “never spank in anger” directive is actually based in domestic spankings—the Spencer Spanking Plan.  Yes, it was meant to describe husbands never spanking their wives in anger.  The instructions are very specific: 1. Explain what actions will merit a spanking. 2. Be careful not to cause injury or leave welts or bruises.  It should only cause just enough pain to be effective.  3.  It must never be done in anger.  4. After the spanking, the wife will kiss her husband and thank him.  Her offense is now forgiven and friendly relations are re-established” (Dulce de Leche, 2011, http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-in-anger-what-does-it-matter.html).  (For more info see http://untotheleast.blogspot.com/2006/12/spencer-spanking-plan.html).  Isn’t it interesting that these “rules” for spanking wives are quite similar to the “rules” for spanking children in a “Christian” way?  It seems very obvious to me that the Christian advocates of spanking children such as Dobson, Tripp, the Pearls, Lessin, and the like have adapted these Spencer rules to rules for spanking children.  And yet, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that resembles these rules.  In fact, if we are to take the rod verses in the book of Proverbs literally, we are to beat children across the back, not bottom, legs, or hands, with a staff/walking stick.  It does not provide us with any more instructions than that.  Man has interpreted these verses in a way that works for them.  They try to cover their guilt by making up rules and using objects that they deem appropriate to inflict harm on their children in Jesus’ Name.

Just as spanking is man made, so are the “rules” for a “Christian, godly, loving” spanking.  There is no biblical support for such rules just as the Bible does not support using control and fear to break children’s wills.  In the final section of this piece, we shall see how spanking and harsh punishment was, and still is, put under the guise of one of, if not the, first offshoot of the field of Psychology.

The Guise of Behaviorism

In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, the field of Psychology began to be of interest to many people.  They wanted to know the science behind animal and human behavior such as what caused or stopped behavior.  This brought a great deal of experiments with both animals and humans in order to understand the human mind better.  Behaviorism was, if not, the, first branch of the field of Psychology.  Ivan Pavlov, John B. Watson, and B. F. Skinner were among the first Behaviorists, though, as we’ve seen throughout this series that Behaviorism has been practiced throughout the centuries, and observed that behavior can be controlled through rewards and punishments.  “Behaviorism is the view that behavior should be explained by observable experiences, not by mental processes” (Santrock, 2008, p. 227).  As one can see, Behaviorism is very black and white as it focuses solely on what is seen and totally ignores what is unseen.

For example, Behaviorists believe that to get a toddler to stop throwing temper tantrums negative reinforcement or punishment such as spanking must be used to stop the child from having a fit.  On the other hand, if one wants a toddler to keep picking up his/her toys, then according to a Behaviorist, positive reinforcement or reward must be administered to the child such as praise or candy.  E. L. Thorndike was another one of the early Behaviorists and he summed this idea up into what is known as The Law of Effect.  “The Law of Effect says behaviors that are followed by pleasant consequences are more likely to occur in the future while behaviors that are followed by unpleasant consequences are less likely to occur in the future” (Preston, 2011, http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/defense_of_spanking/why_punishment_is_needed.html).  Behaviorists, in general, do not take into account children’s emotions, ages, developmental stages or abilities, or anything else going on within the child or family when it comes to behavior.  “For the behaviorist, these thoughts, feelings, and motives are not appropriate subject matter for a science of behavior because they cannot be directly observed” (Santrock, 2008, p. 227).  Behaviorism aims to externally control all behavior without taking into account or looking for the root of the behavior.  As we shall see in an upcoming series that will be entitled, “Discipline IS God’s Will,” children act up for a variety of reasons, and there is usually a need behind the behavior being exhibited.  If we can address the need behind the behavior, the behavior will usually go away.  Also, Behaviorists don’t seem to take into account that children may not know the appropriate way to behave and/or may just be learning the appropriate behavior.  As I continue to point out throughout all of my work, punishment aims to stop behavior, it does not teach more appropriate behavior.  People argue that they always tell the child how to appropriately behave next time after the spanking or other punishment, but they fail to realize that the child is too busy trying to recover from the spanking or other punishment that are not capable of truly hearing the parent or of doing any learning—especially if the child is in pain.

Spanking has been hidden under the guise of Behaviorism for 50-100 years now.  Because of this, many pro-spankers such as James Dobson, who claims to be a Psychologist, use the fact that it has been proven by Psychology that spanking and other forms of punishment work to control children’s behavior.  This helps justify hitting and shaming children because a branch of Psychology claims it is necessary.  As I said in the section about the origins of control in this piece, spanking is all about control, and not about how to truly teach children how to behave!  And spanking has been shown to lead to even more unwanted behavior.  “All too often, aversive stimuli are not effective punishments, in that they do not decrease the unwanted behavior and indeed sometimes increase the unwanted behavior over time.  One recent study found that when parents used spanking to discipline 4- to 5-year-old children, the problem behavior increased over time (McLoyd & Smith, 2002).  Another recent longitudinal study found that spanking before age 2 was related to behavioral problems in middle and late childhood (Slade & Wissow, 2004)” (Santrock, 2008, p. 240).

Unfortunately, Christian advocates such as Dobson and others claim that studies such as these are biased and inaccurate.  They truly believe that using Behaviorist methods in order to control children, as long as they are done in a “loving, godly way,” are a great way to keep sin and satan out of children.  We must remember that Behaviorism is outdated and only another guise to promote the harsh, unbiblical act of spanking children.  As we shall see in the next 2 series, we know a great deal more about the human mind, especially when it comes to child development.  We must not base childcare and rearing on a quite old, narrow-minded branch of Psychology!

Conclusion

Throughout this series, we have explored where different concepts such as breaking a child’s will, fear of death and Hell, control, and Behaviorism originated and how they have influenced Christians to spank their children.  We have also looked at historical figures that have advocated for spanking children, and have tested their theologies against what the Bible actually says regarding the treatment of children.  And finally, we have read some horrific true stories about Christian parents harming, and even killing, their children in order to do their best to raise their children in a godly manner.  Most of them were trying to do so out of love.  It is my hope that as people have read this series as well as “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” that God is showing that hitting and punishing children was never what He intended.  Please be open to His true Will.

I would like to end this series on a positive note.  While there have been many throughout history who have spanked and advocated for spanking, there also has been many who have not such as D. L. Moody, Martin Luther, St. Augustine, and Martin Luther King Jr.  They understood that the rod verses do not mean to hit children, but to use proper authority in order to discipline them in a way that will lead them to Him.  I conclude this with the following passage from the book called, Children in the Early Church by W. A. Strange:

“Here is the advice of the so-called Teaching of the Apostles (Didascalia Apostolorum), a Syrian Christian church order of the early third century, on the subject of disciplining children:

‘Do not hesitate to reprove them [your children], reasoning with them and chastising them and arguing; for you will not kill them by chastising them, but rather give them life, since this is his hope; beat him with a rod, you will free his soul from hell [Prov. 29:17; 25:14].  Our ‘rod’ is the word of Jesus Christ, as Jeremiah saw a branch of an almond tree [Jer. 1:11].   Everyone therefore who hesitates to speak a word of chastisement to his son, hates his son.  (Didascalia 4.11; Funk 1906 1 230, 232)” (Strange, 2004, p. 78).

May we discipline our children with the Word of our living God!

References

Bunge, M. J. (Ed.). (2001). The child in Christian thought. Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

Cooney, T. (2003). The crumbling walls of the Roman Catholic Church.   http://fspp.net/Articles/crumbling_walls.htm

Dobson, J. (1996). The new dare to discipline.  Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Dog, M. C. & Erdoes, R.  (1990). Civilize them with a stick.  Lakota Woman, 28-37, 38-39, and 40-41.

Dulce de Leche. (2011). Spanking in anger-what does it matter? http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-in-anger-what-does-it-matter.html

Heimlich, J.  (2011). Breaking their will.  Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.

Lutton, C.  (2011). The history of spanking.  http://aolff.org/spare-the-rod/the-spanking-files-2/history-of-spanking

Martin, S.  (2006). Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  Jerusalem, Israel: Sorensic.

Preston, P.   (2011). Why punishment is needed. http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/defense_of_spanking/why_punishment_is_needed.html

Santrock, J.  (2008). Educational psychology (Illinois version).  Boston, MA: The McGraw-Hill Companies.

Strange, W. A.  (2004). Children in the early church.  Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock Publishers.

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Breaking The Will

God gave man free will so that we could choose Him. He could have made us without free will and unable to sin, but He did not want that. And yet, many parents have believe that they should break their children’s will, which Molly discusses in her post, Breaking The Will.

Damaging Effects of Punishment on Children

GreeneGem explains the damage  which was done to her by her mothers trampling on her Boundaries.

Speaking of damage, did you know that when babies are left to cry it out, their little bodies are being flooded with Cortisol?   Discipleship Parenting looks at what  effect that has on them.

Meanwhile Pearl, from An Apprenticeship in the Art of Gentle Discipline, looks at the Spiritual Discipline of Parenting to Sleep.

Deb’s Review of TTUAC – Part 3

Deb has posted the 3rd and final part of her review of Michael Pearl’s book, To Train Up A Child. In this post she looks at how Pearl prevented “sissies” and trained his children to always be happy. She also looks at what he teaches about the rod. She says that what Pearl teaches about persistence bothered her the most. I totally understand that. It is exactly this emphasis on persistence which I suspect killed Lydia Schatz.

For your convenience, here are Part 1 and Part 2 and here is the Intro.

A Study of “Spanking” Scriptures

Discipleship Parenting has started a series of  Biblical evidence against spanking in, Rightly Dividing the Word: A Study of “Spanking” Scriptures.

She has also posted 2 addendums to her Letters to Dobson:
Addendum to “Grace”
Handling Disputes Biblically

The Christian History of Spanking Part 1

In my quest for further understanding as to why so many Christians (and non-Christians, though I am mainly looking at Christians for this study) are adamant pro-spankers, I have begun a journey into some of the darker history of Christianity and the harsh treatment of children starting as young as infancy.  My purpose in doing this study is to uncover some of the main Christian advocates of harsh treatment of children in order to show that spanking came from man and not from God as so many truly believe.

 

Sadly, as I pointed out in Part 7 of my “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, brutality of children can be traced back to Biblical times which is why Jesus radicalized the way He wanted society to view and treat children.  Despite Jesus placing such a high value on children and never once advising the people to harshly punish young children when He had ample opportunity to do so, Christians have, for centuries, used the Holy Bible to advocate and justify spanking and abusing young children.  For some unknown reason, at least to me as of now, physical punishment runs deep within the roots of Christianity, especially within the sects of the Protestants, Fundamentalists, and Evangelicals.  It is important for me to note here that I proudly consider myself an Evangelical Christian and have always taken the Bible quite literally.  It appears to me as I continue my study of God’s Word and the history of this subject that pro-spankers seem to focus more of their attention on the God of the Old Testament.  Yes, God is the same today, tomorrow, and forever (See James 1:17 & Malachi 3:6a). However, the God of the Old Testament was quite harsh at times in His righteous anger allowing men, women, and children to be killed because of their sins against Him.  But, as I point out in Part 8 of my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” we also see God’s grace and love for His people.  The minute His people cried out to Him in the Old Testament, God forgave them and had mercy on them.  “So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty” Malachi 3:6b-7.  With the coming of Jesus Christ, God allowed His grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness to be much more accessible and evident to mankind.  Through Jesus, we can now have a very personal relationship with the God of the Old Testament.

 

As I have been pointing out throughout the “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, Christians, as well as the secular culture, use primarily the Old Testament to justify the use of physical punishment with children—especially the book of Proverbs.  In fact, the main saying that Christians and non-Christians use to justify and advocate spanking is “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”  While this saying sounds very much like a Proverb out of the Bible as many people believe, it is not from the Bible whatsoever!  So, where does this saying come from?  According to scholar, Philip Greven (1992), “The aphorism is from Samuel Butler’s poem ‘Hudibras’ (1664).  See Ian Gibson, The English Vice: Beating, Sex and Shame in Victorian England and After (London: Dukworth, 1978), p. 49” (p. 227).  The saying has absolutely nothing to do with God’s Word; it only sounds as if it does.

 

It is concerning that when Christians choose to focus primarily on one aspect of God—His harshness—some Christians have even questioned whether He applied harsh punishment to His own Son.  This would basically be saying that God killed Jesus which is only partial truth and leaves out crucial information regarding Christ’s sufferings and death.  This feels dangerous to me!  It must be pointed out that while Jesus was God’s only begotten Son (John 3:16), Jesus was also God Himself (Philippians 2:6a; John 8:58; Revelation 22:13), and chose to suffer and die on the cross for us (Philippians 2:8; John 10:11; Matthew 26:38-39)!  Yet, many Christians continue to only look at the harshness of God instead of looking at all His aspects which reveal His True Identity as I have just pointed out.  Jonathan Edwards, an eighteenth century American theologian, chose to focus much of his attention on the harshness of God depicted in the Old Testament.  Because of this viewpoint, he “believed that the Crucifixion ‘was willed and ordered by God,’ a condition that made ‘one of the most heinous things that ever was done’ by men, ‘one of the most horrid acts,’ into ‘the most admirable and glorious of all events.’  For Edwards, at least, ‘the crucifixion of Christ was not evil, but good.’  This argument, however, implies that God the Father was directly responsible for the death of his only earthly son” (Greven, 1992, p. 50).  That is simply preposturous as while God allowed the crucifixion and death to happen, He did not bring it on Himself.  It was brought on by the hands of men.  This is sad because people who focus on the harshness of Gods seem to lose sight of who God is!  After all, the Bible couldn’t have made it any more clearer exactly who God is.  “God is love” 1st John 4:16.  It is clear from the following Bible passage that God didn’t harshly punish His Son.   There was no reason to.  God loved us so much that He chose to do something so major in order to make it easy for us to be reconciled to Him and have an intimate relationship with Him.  “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” 1st John 4:9-10.  To use the harshness of God to justify and advocate the use of physical punishment is completely illogical after seeing all the aspects of God in the same lens.

 

Along the same lines as focusing heavily on the harshness of God, many Christian pro-spankers have been quite influence by the threat of eternal punishment—Hell—throughout the centuries.  They have also been influenced by the feeling of an imminent apocalyptic end (Greven, 1992).  Hell has always been a part of Christian theology and teaching.  The threat of eternal damnation has terrified many people throughout time.  While it is true that eternal punishment does await those that purposely reject Christ’s gift of forgiveness and salvation by not asking Him for the forgiveness of sins and accepting Him as Savior (Romans 6:23; Matthew 25:46; Luke 16:19-31), some parents and pastors seem to use this to justify spanking children.  A seventeenth century pastor, “Michael Wigglesworth, whose parents were among the first generation of settlers in New England, wrote an extraordinarily popular poem about the approaching ‘Day of Doom.’  Punishment and affliction were the central themes shaping the obsessions of this anxious and tormented Puritan preacher, whose poem vividly portrays the final days on earth before the Last Judgment and the ultimate separation of the saved from the damned” (Greven, 1992, p. 55).  Jonathan Edwards was also quite focused on the terrors of eternal punishment during the eighteenth century (Greven, 1992).    They seem to truly believe that “beating the devil out of them” will somehow save them from Hell.  This is often based on Proverbs 23:13-14 which states, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (KJV).  Pro-spankers throughout history have taken these verses quite literally.  Please see Part 3 of my series entitled “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for the correct interpretation of these verses.

 

It seems that this focus on the harshness of God and on punishment traces back to Europe.  Yes, while we can be sure that the harsh treatment of children was occurring during Old Testament times, it is unclear if it was done commonly or by those that were naturally prone to violence.  What is quite interesting is that advocates of spanking use the Old Testament to justify their claims and yet there is not one single passage in the Old Testament, or in the entire Bible for that matter, of a parent spanking a child.   As I pointed out in Part 7 of my series “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” the Romans were very cruel to children during the first century.  It seems that physical punishment was brought to America by the European settlers.  We read throughout our history books that these Puritans convinced the Native Americans to allow their children to go to English boarding schools where they would supposedly get a great education.  In reality, the Native American children were treated very harshly and physically punished by these Christians who thought they could beat the evil out of them (Cushner, McClelland, & Safford, 2006).  They were not allowed to speak their native language or go back to their parents.  See, the Native Americans did not typically use physical punishment with their young children.  Therefore, in the eyes of the Christian English settlers who had been taught by their leaders that spanking was an absolute must for obedience to God, the Native Americans were disobeying God and the children needed to be “saved” from their impending doom.  “Anglo-American Protestants have always been among the most vocal public defenders of physical punishments for infants, children, and adolescents.  They have provided many generations of listeners and readers with a series of theological and moral justifications for painful blows inflicted by adults upon the bodies, spirits, and wills of children.  These defenses remain crucial to any understanding of the earliest sources of suffering and violence in our culture” (Greven, 1992, p. 60-61).  It makes me wonder why they went wrong in following “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:16.  I can’t imagine spanking children would be truly glorifying God.

 

Another theme occuring throughout the centuries among advocates of spanking is the absolute need to break children’s wills.  It has (still is) been suggested that the breaking of a child’s will happen during the first two years of life!  That way the child supposedly will not remember that they had a will.  This idea is sad because infants and toddlers do not understand the concept of wills.  They are mainly conncentrating on discovering their abilities.  It is important for them to be separate beings  from their parents, otherwise they will grow up having a sense of shame and self-doubt (Erikson, 1963).  Yet, this breaking of wills seems to dominate many Christian sects.  Greven (1992) states, “Breaking the child’s will has been the central task given to parents by successive generations of preachers, whose bibically based rationales for discipline have reflected the belief that self-will is evil and sinful.  From the seventeenth century to present, evangelical and fundamentalist Protestants have persistently advocated the crushing of the will even before a child can remember the painful encounters with punishment that are always necessary to accomplish such goals” (p. 65).  Is breaking a child’s will even biblical?  Jesus does say to “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” Luke 9:23.    We are to die to our flesh (Romans 8:13).  God obviously wants us to surrender ourselves to Him.  However, He gently brings us into submission through grace, mercy, forgiveness, and natural consequences.  Ephesians 5:21 also tells us to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we must hit each other in order to submit to each other.  God doesn’t strike us to make us submit to Him.  So where exactly does this breaking of a child’s will by their parents come from if there’s no actual biblical support for this concept?

 

Susanna Wesley, Jonathan Wesley’s mother, was an early proponent of breaking children’s wills beginning in infancy through corporal punishment.  For example, if her infant son cried too loud, she spanked him (Greven, 1992).  Accounts also say that she would not allow her children to eat or drink anything between meals except in the case of illness.  If she found that they had asked the slaves for something between meals, she beat the children and harshly reprimanded the slaves.  She wrote a letter to her sons regarding her beliefs on child rearing.  Sadly, this letter is often quoted by many pro-spankers today.  “Susanna Wesley was certain in 1732 that ‘religion is nothing else than doing the will of God and not our own: that the one grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness being self-will, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial unprofitable.  Heaven or hell depends on this alone; so that the parent who studies to subdue it in the child works together with God in the renewing and saving a soul.  The parent who indulges it does the Devil’s work; makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child body and soul forever’” (Greven, 1992, p. 62).  This seems to be saying that salvation lies in how a parent raises his/her child.  This couldn’t be more wrong.  Salvation lies in receiving God’s gift of Jesus Christ who paid for all of our sins!  No human or other god can save us.  “For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people” 1 Timothy 2:5-6.  (See also Hebrews 8:6; 1 Thessalonians 5:9; 2 Timothy 3:15).

 

The thing about breaking children’s wills through spanking is what happens if their wills never break sufficiently?  The pro-spankers say that we must repeat the spanking.  Children have been spanked to death with one of the most recent cases occurring in 2010 with 7-year-old Lydia Schatz who was repeatedly spanked with a whip type instrument during a biblical chastisement.  In 1982, a 2-year-old boy was also spanked to death by his parents.  “On October 3, 1982, two year old Joseph Green died from a spanking by his parents, Stuart and Leslie Green.  Leslie Green began spanking her son Joseph when he refused to apologize to another two year old after striking him.  After a period of spanking, Stuart Green, Joseph’s father, entered the room and continued to spank him with a paddle while both parents unsuccessfully tried to force Joseph to apologize to the other boy.   After approximately two hours of intermittent spankings, petitioner, who had been out of the sight and sound of the room where the spanking was occurring throughout the two hour period, was summoned to the room by another.  As soon as petitioner Dorothy McClellan arrived, she told Stuart Green to stop the paddling.  Petitioner and others rendered first aid to Joseph, and he was later taken to a local hospital.  Shortly thereafter Joseph Green died from shock and hemorrhaging” (Greven, 1992, p. 38-39).  These parents were trying to do what they thought was biblical and right in God’s eyes.

 

What is interesting to me is that many of the proverbs that are quoted by pro-spankers that seem to advocate spanking say the child will not die from spanking (“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die” Proverbs 23:13 KJV), and yet, children have died from repetitive and/or the force of the spanking.  Every time a child is hit, slight injury can occur as pain is a signal that injury is occurring or is about to.   Redness after a spanking shows that the skin has been irritated.  Slapping several times can cause the tissue to break down.  Over time, this can lead to organ damage and hemorrhaging.  Surely, God, who formed us in our mother’s wombs (Isaiah 44:24; Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 139:13-16), knew how hitting affects our bodies; especially a small child’s body that is much more vulnerable to force, did NOT mean hitting in the rod verses.  God does not lie to His people.  So, to say that a child shall not die from being hit with a big, heavy walking stick (the rod), He must have meant authority and not physical punishment!  The Holy Bible is Truth—PERIOD!  “For the word of God is alive and active” Hebrews 4:12a.  Yet, Satan loves to skew God’s Word whenever possible.  He is the father of lies (John 8:44b).

 

Throughout history many Christian advocates of spanking claim that if parents don’t spank their children then they are disobeying God.  They use Proverbs 13:24 to coerce parents into believing that if they don’t use physical punishment then they hate their children.  Of course, based on the correct interpretation of these rod verses (see Part 3 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” & “The Rod Study”), this couldn’t be farther from the truth!  And yet, sadly, pro-spanking advocates continue to teach that spanking is an absolute requirement from God in order to raise obedient, godly children.  “Parents are often advised to tell their children that they are acting as God’s surrogates when they inflict pain.  As Jack Hyles notes: ‘So God is like a father and He chooses fathers and mothers to represent Him in the punishing of little children.’  He advises parents: ‘Explain to him that you are a child of God and if you refuse to obey God in His judgment upon your children, God will pour out His wrath upon you.  For you to be a good child of God requires that you be a good parent to the child.  Let him understand this.  He will get the idea that God is a holy and just God, One Who loves and yet One Who wants us to become our best.  For this to be so He must punish us when we are deserving” (Greven, 1992, p. 63).  I must ask where do grace, mercy, and forgiveness come in here?  If we are forgiven, then we are saved from God’s Wrath.  “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth” John 1:14.

 

“And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23.   (See also 1 Timothy 1:14).

 

It also appears that throughout history advocates of spanking have treated the parent-child relationship as a battleground in which the parent must always win over the child.  Susanna Wesley and other early seventeenth and eighteenth century evangelical Christians were adamant in regards to using physical punishment to conquer children.  The most prominent advocate of spanking in today’s Christian society, James Dobson (1970), states, “The child may be more strong-willed than the parent, and they both know it.  If he can outlast a temporary onslaught, he has won a major battle, eliminating punishment in the parent[‘]s repertoire.  Even though Mom spanks him, he wins the battle by defying her again.  The solution to this situation is obvious: outlast him; win, even if it takes a repeated measure” (p. 45).  Or the child is beaten to death.

 

It is very sad that somehow all of these seemingly unbiblical themes and misinterpretations have continued so prevalently throughout history.  Countless children and families have been harmed, some more visibly than others, by these great misinterpretations of God’s Holy Word.  I do not know where all these beliefs about child-rearing came about.  My purpose in this quest to uncover the historic roots of violence against our children, who Jesus so dearly loves, is not to point fingers at anyone.  My hope is to show where some of this comes from.  It seems obvious to me from studying Scripture with an open heart and  listening to the Holy Spirit convict me that spanking, hitting, beating, coercing, belittling, and punishing young children did not come from God.  Jesus renounced all violence when he came to Earth.  It is my hope that as we continue this journey that we “See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end. As has just been said:

‘Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion’” Hebrews 3:12-15.

 

(Continued)

 

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The Christian History of Spanking by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.

Letters to Dobson

Discipleship Parenting wrote a Letter to Dr. James Dobson. It is a lovely letter, you should take a look at it. In it she gives a testimony of how his teaching on spanking hurt her family and how they found something better.

She got a reply from Focus on The Family defending their stance.

She then wrote another letter where she explained further how his teachings are damaging and dangerous.

She received another reply from Focus on the Family which reiterated what was said in the first letter.

I highly recommend that you read these letters.

Edited to add that  she has posted 2 addendums to her first letter to Dobson:
Addendum to “Grace”
Handling Disputes Biblically

Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 4

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 )

In Samuel Martin’s book, he explains how many pro-spankers quote the following Proverb to support their argument that the spanking should cause crying in children.  And cause not just crying, but a broken will.

“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” Proverbs 19:18 (KJV).

One of the most prominent and most followed Christain advocates of spanking children; especially young children, is Dr. James Dobson.  In his book, Dare to Discipline, Dobson (1970) states, “Real crying usually lasts two minutes or less, but may continue for five.  After that point, the child is merely complaining, and the change can be recognized in the tone and intensity of his voice.  I would require him to stop the protest crying, usually by offering him a little more of what caused the original tears” (p. 13).  Does this sound like a loving way to “discipline” our children?  A parent purposely inflicts pain on a child to break his or her will, and then tells the child to quit crying or he or she will purposely inflict more pain on the child.  When I’m in pain, I complain lots.  I remember how awful it felt when my dad hit me and told me to quit crying.  It was all I could do to stifle both the emotional and physical pain that I felt.  God commands us to live in peace with one another to the best of our ability.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you” 2 Corinthians 13:11.

There are over 20 Hebrew words that relate to weeping or actual crying with tears in the Bible, but none of them are found in the book of Proverbs.  These are used when someone important or a family member dies throughout Scripture or to an infant as seen in Exodus 2:6. Let’s take a look at the five Hebrew words that are used in Proverbs and their English translations.

The first Hebrew word in Proverbs that we come across for crying is rahnan.    Proverbs 1:20 states, “Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets” (KJV). And Proverbs 8:3 says, “She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors”  (KJV). These two verses are speaking about “Lady Wisdom,” and rahnan is being translated as singing, cry out, rejoice, and shouting or shout aloud for joy.  It is clear from these verses that “Lady Wisdom” is shouting and shouting aloud for joy.   Rahnan is used throughout Proverbs in this way.  See Proverbs 29:6 as well.

Another Hebrew translation used in Proverbs for crying is hah-mah.  It means loud, clamorous, or raging.  Let’s look at a few Proverbs in which hah-mah is translated in crying.

“She crieth in the chief place of concourse, in the openings of the gates: in the city she uttereth her words” Proverbs 1:21 (KJV).

“She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house” Proverbs 7:11 (KJV).

“A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing” Proverbs 9:13 (KJV).

“Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise” Proverbs 20:1 (KJV).

It is clear from the context of these verses that crying is being used as in someone being loud and obnoxious; not as in actual crying with tears.  The next Hebrew translation for crying does mean crying with tears and is used even when speaking of children.  Yet, it is not used in Proverbs 19:18. This Hebrew word is z-gah-kah.  It, as mentioned before, is used in Exodus 2:6. Even Jesus Himself wept when He came to His friend, Lazarus’ tomb before He raised him from death.

“Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35 Jesus wept” John 11:30-35.

Z-gah-kah is also used in Proverbs 21:13 which says, “Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard” (KJV). It is interesting that this has nothing to do with children.  So, what is the Hebrew translation for crying that we see in Proverbs 19:18?  It is mooth and is used over 500 times in the Hebrew Bible.  It has 40 different means that refer to death.   The NIV version of Proverbs 19:18 says it like this:

“Discipline your children, for in that there is hope;

do not be a willing party to their death.”

This means not allowing your child to go down the wrong road that could lead to a premature death.  This has absolutely nothing to do with actual crying as Dobson and many other Christian advocates of spanking believe!  Children need limits.  We wouldn’t let a toddler run out in the street to be run over by a car.  But instead of spanking the toddler, we should firmly tell the toddler that the street is dangerous, and then show the toddler the safe way to cross the street holding onto Mommy or Daddy hands.  Does hitting a toddler really teach him or her why the street is dangerous and how to be safe?  No!  It teaches them that danger makes Mommy and Daddy hurt me.   That Jesus wants me to be hurt when I’m in danger.  Remember, young children cannot make abstract connections like adults can.

Christian advocates of spanking are totally misinterpreting Scripture and/or are purposely teaching false doctrine.  The Apostle Paul warns about this.  “20 Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: 21 “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22 These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. 23 Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence” Colossians 2:20-23. We are not to obey these regulations anymore.  We are to obey Jesus Christ!

Older infants and toddlers require boundaries and limits.  These help young children to feel safe and secure.  For example, securely attached infants and toddlers will often look at their parent or caregiver when they encounter something that they are unsure about.  If the adult smiles approvingly, the child will usually continue exploring.  If the adult frowns, the child will usually stop exploring.  Infants and toddlers need discipline and guidance because they lack self-control.  Unfortunately, many people think of discipline and punishment as one and the same.  This should not be the case whatsoever.  “Webster’s Dictionary describes discipline as ‘training that corrects, molds, or perfects.’  I believe the best and most long-lasting training comes from within.  Discipline is first learned externally, based on parental, and then societal expectations” (Gerber & Johnson, 1998, p. 204).  Positive guidance strategies such as modeling, redirection, and natural consequences work better to truly teach children more appropriate ways of behaving. For example, if a toddler gets up from the table, then the natural consequence is that he will be finished eating.  This is not punishment; it is cause and effect that directly relates to the toddler’s behavior.

Christian pediatrician Dr. William Sears implores the importance of understanding the child’s perspective in order to appropriate respond and guide the child.  “Authority is vital to discipline, and authority must be based on trust.  If an infant can trust his mother to feed him when he’s hungry, he will be more likely as a toddler to listen to her for what to do when, for example, he encounters breakable objects on Grandma’s coffee table” (Sears & Sears, 2001, p. 20).

Again, discipline means to teach and to guide children in appropriate behaviors.  Spanking does not do this; it controls.  “Physical punishment such as hitting or spanking will mean two things to her: one, that you are bigger than she and you can get away with it, and two, that you believe in aggression” (Brazelton & Sparrow, 2006, p. 146).  Spanking children causes them to slowly lose their trust in their parents and caregivers.  This makes them less likely to listen to parents without the threat of punishment.  Discipline, however, has the opposite effect on children.  “Discipline is the second most important thing you do for a child.  Love comes first, and discipline second.  Discipline means teaching, not punishment.  The goal is for the child to incorporate her own limits.  Each opportunity for discipline becomes a chance for teaching.  Hence, after a brief disciplinary maneuver, sit down to comfort and hold her, saying, ‘You can’t do that.  I’ll have to stop you until you can learn to stop yourself’” (Brazelton & Sparrow, 2006, p. 147).   Brazelton recommends using time-outs not as punishments but to help the child calm down.

Do we really want children growing up believing that Jesus wants them to be hurt every time they make a mistake or misbehave?  Do we really want children to equate hitting and causing pain to love?  Numerous studies suggest that children from violent homes are at an increased risk of becoming violent themselves.  Yes, someday Jesus will come back to unleash His final Wrath on the Earth, but He’s giving everyone a chance before He does.  He does not want anyone to perish.  Should children be taught about His love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness by modeling it to them?  Or would we rather model “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God Galatians 5:19-21.

Do not let satan deceive you.  Famous Christian theologian Dwight Moody did not let satan deceive him.  Despite being spanked as a child, he chose to live by the Law of Christ and did not spank his own children.

As in the Words of Christ, “He who has ears, let him hear!”

( Continued )


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Spanking is NOT God’s Will by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.

How Punitive Parenting Shames Parents

Dulce de Leche has written a post explaining how Punitive Parenting Shames the Parents in This  Hurts Me As Much As It Hurts You.

Dare to Disciple

Greenegem has started a blog to refute Dr. Dobson’s teachings, called Dare to Disciple.  She starts with her powerful and touching testimony: My journey toward Grace-based Parenting begins.

Paula Lilly’s testimony

This is my personal account of my experiences with following the advice of Micheal Pearl, author of To Train Up A  Child

I had many fears and apprehensions about parenting even before my first child was born.  Many of them had to do with discipline.  I was all too aware of what would be expected from me as a parent/disciplinarian and what types of behavior would be expected from  my children by friends, family members, church and school figures, etc.   As I waded nervously past the 6-month mark with my first son, I experienced the challenge of setting boundaries for a very mobile and emotionally intense little boy.   I began to try out different approaches–relying heavily on the religious and cultural  common knowledge of my society, and following the advice of authors/teachers who were endorsed by the circles in which I moved.

Some of the books I read, such as Dobson’s widely-heralded Dare To Discipline, left me feeling confused and powerless.  He recommends spanking as the response to most misbehaviors, but prohibits it for children under 18 months of age.  He speaks of showing grace toward childish, age-appropriate behavior, but paints children themselves as wicked, rebellious creatures who are bent on mounting a willful–even malicious–challenge to parental authority.   He provides very few solid, specific suggestions for dealing with normal developmental behaviors (other than encouraging parents to require absolute obedience).  He pulls his readers into an adversarial stance toward children with stories of  “little tyrants” whose unchecked behavior holds their trembling, pathetic parents hostage.  Parents are repeatedly drilled on the necessity of utterly defeating the enemy–their children.

Pearl was different.  Although many of the basic premises he taught matched up with what I had heard and believed my entire life,  Pearl offered something that was missing from the other books I had read–something very significant to me as a young and totally inexperienced mother.  He offered detail.  Pearl straight-forwardly addressed all the common baby and toddler issues that were cropping up with my young son.  He gave example after example of behaviors that I was seeing first-hand in my everyday life.  He offered a simple and all-encompassing solution to each and every one of them–”training.” He pre-emptively diffused my concerns about age-appropriateness and my questions about my son’s level of understanding by (initially) adopting the theme of “training–not punishment.” His extremely behavoristic approach and the wide age range over which he applied it did cause me some consternation and hesitation.  It set off some  warning flags in the heart of this mother who had thus far sought to listen, respond to, and nourish the entire being of her child.

Pearl had made provisions for these types of reservations as well.  His writings are laced with reprovals for tender-hearted mothers. He preys upon the natural concern that many parents already have over raising children, whipping it into a frenzied anxiety with predictions of hellfire and destruction for any child not raised according to his parenting gospel. He disparages the character of anyone who feels incapable of administering his brand of discipline  and he assigns lack of spirituality to those who cannot “overcome”  their own abusive pasts enough to implement his regimen of pain-based negative conditioning.

Unhealthy teachings nearly always include elements of truth–sound, palatable, commendable concepts that lend credibility to both the character of the teacher and the philosophy as a whole.  Pearl is no exception.  He communicates with an air of good ole country common sense and next-door neighbor friendliness, and his intentions seem honorable and sincere to many first-time readers.  He urges parents to tie “heart strings”  with their children and warns against undue harshness.  Many of the statements he makes in this (comparatively short) section of his first book are ones with which I still whole-heartedly agree. Unfortunately, he expands on those relationship-centered thoughts by exhorting parents to exact merciless control over their children’s behaviors and attitudes.

In retrospect, I can identify some things that made me susceptible to his message.  First, I had no experience whatsoever with babies or children and felt tremendously unqualified to relate to my own child in matters of discipline.  Second, I came from a rather legalistic church background, and was drawn to a system that followed a formula–defining for me exactly how to deal with infractions.  Third, I was already indoctrinated into the paradigm of controlling children’s behaviors via punishment.  I viewed discipline as practically synonymous with punishment/spanking, and believed that corporeal punishment was Biblically ordained and mandated.  It was not a far reach to extend that pre-existing belief (spanking is the correct parental response to disobedience or defiance) into a similar but subtly different approach (spanking is an appropriate and acceptable way for parents to pre-emptively condition young children to display desirable behaviors).

I spent several weeks pouring over Pearl’s books, debating sections that concerned me, questioning whether my discomfort really was due to spiritual weakness or ineptitude (as Pearl implies), reading excerpts to my husband.  I tentatively tested bits of the method.  I reviewed other perspectives for comparison, but dismissed any that did not endorse spanking–believing them to be unbiblical at the core.  The mainstream Christian resources I considered presented ideas or methods (or both) which seemed like watered-down versions of the same doctrine Pearl taught.  After a couple of false starts–due mostly to my struggling with strong instincts against the method–we finally started “training” our son in earnest.  I followed Pearl’s advice faithfully and consistently over a significant period of time.

The results were disastrous, damaging, and nothing at all like the peaceful, orderly family life Pearl describes. He asserts that most children, especially young ones, can be brought into “joyful submission” after 3 days of consistent training, and that the need for spankings will diminish once the parent establishes her authority.  This did not prove true for us.  Weeks and months went by. My not-quite-2-year-old son became increasingly combative, jumpy, and fearful.  He seemed to have developed a “fight or flight” response to me–poising himself to run away at the drop of the hat, covering his bottom when he thought I might disapprove of what he was doing, or bracing himself for battle when he sensed that he was “in trouble”  and there was no where to go.  He physically battled and verbally protested every spanking and fought back fiercely against every hint of perceived injustice.  Even though he could not yet verbalize with words, he expressed his confusion, fear, fury, indignation, and emotional pain with every resource available to him at the time.

Pearl–and other authors who embrace the same ideals–would have me interpret these reactions as rebellion, defiance…  a sinful “bad attitude” to be purged by means of more punishment.   He advises parents to persist at all costs, to have no mercy, to use whatever physical force is necessary to subdue the will of a child who fights back.  (In a similar sense, though with fewer descriptive examples, Dobson instills the mantra of “winning the war”  against our children–using spanking as the primary weapon)  Pearl urges parents to sit on a struggling child, if necessary, in order to administer this Biblically mandated act that he claims is a  vital element to cleanse their souls, clear their consciences, communicate spiritual principles, and restore a loving, connected relationship.  He insists that the parent must not relent or back away from continuing to spank until the child has utterly submitted to the parent’s desire in both attitude and action–no matter how many sequential and increasingly intense spankings are required to do so.

When the basic training approach delivered less than 100% compliance and, indeed, actually inflamed my son’s negative behaviors, I found myself faced with following the escalation procedure.  Spank more..  harder..  with a larger implement…  don’t relent until they obey.  I am grieved to say I started down this path for a time. There came a point of “critical mass”  where every part of me cried out against what was happening… where I could no longer accept that this was the only right way to parent…  where the doubts and questions and frustrations in my heart refused to be silenced for a moment longer.  I began to question my long-held belief that spanking was a special, “God-ordained” type of striking (as opposed to “real” hitting)–not a form of “real” violence.  I struggled to define for myself the difference between a Christian parent who hits in obedience to what they think the Bible says, and an unbelieving parent who hits simply to control.  I tried to discern the distinction between repetitive striking that was godly and repetitive striking that was simply abusive.  I was forced to admit to myself that I could not identify exactly what the difference was–other than the intentions and beliefs of the person doing the hitting.  That scared me.  I knew in my heart that each day I followed this punitive, formula-centered advice was another day I walked the slippery slope of mistreating my child in the name of God. I stopped–not yet having any idea what to do instead.

The journey that began in my life at that point has been truly amazing.  God has taught me, matured me, uplifted me, convicted me, humbled me, and led me to a path of parenting I never knew existed. I am still at the bottom of the learning curve for grace-centered, spirit-filled parenting.  I struggle and fail daily.  The poor choices I made and the bad advice I followed early have left their marks on my children as individual people, on our family unit as a whole, and definitely on me.  Having trained myself to vigilantly punish every instance of disobedience, I now struggle to let go of that critical, fault-finding  outlook.  It requires purposeful effort for me now to  *see*  the positive things my kids do, to relate to them in the light of who they are instead of whether they are doing right or wrong.

I want my children to see Christ in me, not to see me as their god.  I want them to understand the grace and mercy and love that God shows to us because they’ve experienced it in relationship with their parents. I want them to learn to live by the Spirit and not the letter of the law–knowing that godliness is so much deeper than a set of outward behaviors and that our spiritual sinfulness cannot be paid for simply by our enduring a physical punishment.  In fact, restitution for our sins has already been made–praise God!  I pray that my parenting, above all, will reflect the gospel of Christ.