Jesse Hoover writes about how being gentle allowed him to correct without losing his son’s heart in When An Iron Fist Turns Soft.
Dara Stoltzfus shares about how gentle parenting saved her life as she discusses blind obedience.
Christian arguments against the Pearls' teachings.
Jesse Hoover writes about how being gentle allowed him to correct without losing his son’s heart in When An Iron Fist Turns Soft.
Dara Stoltzfus shares about how gentle parenting saved her life as she discusses blind obedience.
Last night, my husband and I watched, “The Andy Griffith Show,” and it was the one where Opie was having fun pretending to have a black horse named Blackie. Andy, Opie’s dad, and Barney and Aunt Bea all had fun with this. Well, Opie goes off into the woods and meets a lineman named, Mr. McBeevee. Because Andy had played the Blackie game earlier, and well, since Mr. McBeevee is a rather strange name, Andy doesn’t believe Opie when Opie tells him that this is a real man who really gave Opie a hatchet and then a quarter. When Andy takes Opie out to the woods to meet this Mr. McBeevee guy, Mr. McBeevee just happens to get called away, making Opie look like a big liar.
When Opie and Andy get home, Opie knows he’s in trouble and Andy is prepared to spank Opie. [Read more...]
Dara Stoltzfus has been thinking about Euphemisms as she gives us 20 Reasons not to Spank.
And for more food for thought from Dara, check out her thoughts on Abortion: A private matter?
I have been thinking a lot about defiance lately. Is it real when it comes to young children? Most parents would emphatically answer, “Yes” to this question. I am not so sure though. According to dictionary.com, defiance is defined as “A daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force.” To me, this means being able to stand up for what we believe is right. This is usually a good thing. Yet, when people discuss children as being “defiant,” it is always viewed as a very negative thing. In fact, most Christian pro-spankers tell parents to spank/hit children mainly for “defiance.”
Are young children truly being “defiant” when they refuse to do something we want or say, “No!” to us? I tend not to think so. Why? Because defiance is very subjective. What one person views as “defiance,” another person views as developmentally appropriate behavior or an indicator that something much deeper is going on within the child. See, to judge whether or not children are being “defiant,” we must look into their hearts. Only God can do this. [Read more...]
Dara Stoltzfus shares her testimony of growing up being spanked for every infraction in “I was spanked and I’m OK!” FEAR..
We continue our look at the goal of parenting.
Dara Stoltzfus examines Cooperation vs Compliance: Love vs Fear.
The Hippie Housewife considers Asking the right questions.
Do your children fear getting in trouble? Dara Stoltzfus shows us how dangerous it can be for children to fear their parents in a *very* sensitive post. Honestly, I wish I had never read this post. It is so disturbing that I will just summarize it for the sensitive. A 9 year old girl put herself into the worse situation imaginable because she was more afraid of getting in trouble than she was of a stranger. Horrific. Why would a child who had done nothing wrong be afraid to go home and instead seek refuge with a stranger? Please don’t allow your children to be afraid of you. Even a child who has done something wrong should not be afraid of their parents. Perfect love casts out all fear.
So, how should we get our children to obey? Please see what MamaPsalmist has to say about Obedience.
Dara Stoltzfus shows us how we can raise children to not see abusive behavior as normal in Wives With Knives.
Dara Stolzfus has many other excellent posts. I have already linked to many of them. I must now link to this post about Consequences and how we react when we mess up.
While I’m at it, I will also link to another interesting post called Looking Up.
Have you seen the Facebook meme about being afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked? Well, Dara Stoltzfus Imagines such a world.
Joy explains Why She Doesn’t Spank Her Children Anymore.
Sarah, of Under the Olive Branch, explains why she does not believe in spanking in a well researched and chatty post entitled, A person’s a person no matter how small. She also answers some common arguments for spanking with counter arguments, which many will find helpful.
Carissa Robinson compares Fear-Based and Faith-Based Parenting. Which one one do you think glorifies God? Which one do you use?
For more help, check out this post by Pearl in Oyster (PIO) about how we can use our God-given hormones to help us parent better in Oxytocin and “Time In.”
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)
In the last part of this series we saw how teaching children to equate love with pain can cause them to become sadomasochistic. We also saw how spanking children, even when done “lovingly” and the “right way,” causes many children to struggle with depression, guilt, and shame as having pain intentionally inflicted on them by their parents never makes them feel positive about themselves. In this concluding piece of this series, we will see how spanking keeps the vicious cycle of abuse and authoritarian parenting going for generations unless one fights against it. New research shows that children that are physically punished/abused can develop a form of Stockholm Syndrome as they deny and repress their pain. Also, I will be showing that intentionally inflicting pain on children causes brain damage as the brain gets rewired due to experiencing pain and trauma throughout childhood. Many parents do not realize how vulnerable the young, developing brain is. Finally, I will be explaining the Scientific Method of conducting research in order to disprove the claim of a great deal of pro-spankers that all the research proving spanking is harmful is somehow biased. I hope this series further proves that spanking did not come from God otherwise none of these harmful effects would ever occur.
The Cycle of Abuse and Authoritarian Parenting—“My parents spanked me and I survived and so will my children!”
[Read more...]
Carissa Robinson delves into the question, “Does God Spank His Children?“
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)
In the previous piece we discovered that fear is the main effect of corporal punishment that all children experience despite the Bible clearly stating that fear is not from God. We also saw in the previous piece that “loving, godly” spankings are indeed harmful to children despite what many pro-spankers continue to claim. The research and numerous anecdotes (personal stories) show that hitting “in love,” and in the Name of God often has damaging effects on children even if they deny and repress these effects. In this piece we will be discussing an effect of “lovingly” spanking that has only recently come to my attention. Many people are unaware of the fact that “love” spankings causes sexual problems for children and adults as they seek to turn something painful and out of their control into something pleasant and somewhat controllable. This brief discussion may cause discomfort. We will also discuss how physical punishment often leads to depression, shame, and guilt as spanking never makes one feel good about oneself.
“Love” Spankings Continued—“Children are not sexual beings.”
Many people, in general, believe the above statement to be true. While children do not understand sexuality in the way that adults do, they have the ability at birth to become somewhat aroused and to feel pleasure. This is why young children very innocently explore their bodies during diaper changes and baths. This is a very normal and healthy part of the young child’s development. By the age of two, most young children are beginning to notice the differences between males and females and will ask questions out of pure curiosity. Simple, honest answers are all that young children want and need. While a child’s budding sexuality should be respected, their innocence and purity must be protected. [Read more...]
In the previous piece we looked at how spanking/abuse negatively effects the development of empathy in children. We also saw that any type of physical punishment can cause aggressive tendencies in children and adults. Physical punishment also leads to anger in children and adults due to being hurt intentionally by the very people that are supposed to love and protect them. In this piece, we will see that fear is the main effect of hitting children. We will see that by teaching children that God wants them to be spanked, they often develop a fear of God which either strains their relationships with God or causes them to reject Him altogether. Finally, we will see that spanking “in love” is indeed harmful despite what many pro-spankers claim.
Fear-“That child needs the fear of the Lord put in him!”
We have all heard that line from pro-spankers a number of times. As I pointed out Part 5 in my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” putting the fear of God into a child is one of the primary reasons people spank children. They use fear and respect as interchangeable concepts when they have no similarities in their meanings. (See Part 6 of “The Christian History of Spanking for more info). Fear is indeed the primary effect experienced by all children who are physically punished whether mildly or severely. Pain is why physical punishment is effective, though only temporally, as most humans are afraid of pain and will usually do everything in their power to avoid it. It usually takes only 1 or 2 times of a young child being hit for him/her to become afraid of getting spanked. Most pro-spankers, especially Christians, view this fear as a good thing, and even a must, in order to teach children to obey them and ultimately God. Yet, 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” And 1 John 4:18 says that there is no fear in love. Fear comes from satan. “Courage comes from God, while fear is what Satan tries to give us” (Meyer, 2011, p. 272). Throughout the Bible God tells His people not to be afraid of Him. [Read more...]
Veteran Adoptive Parent, Christine Minich explains the Issues with Older Adoptive Children and how to overcome them. What she recommends is almost the polar opposite of the Recipe For Disaster in my last post.
MamaPsalmist discusses a post from Positive Parenting which explains why Nonpunitive Discipline ≠ Lazy Parenting in Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond: Nonpunitive Discipline ≠ Lazy Parenting.
On a similar note, Elizabeth (from Virginia Is For Mothers) shares some very helpful insight about giving grace and understanding to Child Size Problems.
And Pearl In Oyster (PIO) shares about validating and working through a three year old’s nighttime fears in Dealing with Tears & Fears at Bedtime.
I came across 2 Christian bloggers who very eloquently explain why they don’t spank.
Spanking…..The Post I Finally Had to Write and Spare the Rod: What Spanking Teaches Children by Amanda at Not Just Cute
To spank or not to spank? by Raqual at Connected Christian Mom
The Scientific Universalist reacts to CNN’s Ungodly Discipline series and shares her testimony of how “Biblical chastisement” affected her view of God.
Meanwhile, Lisa, of Broken Daughters, shares how “Biblical chastisement” led to her self-destructive behavior in a heart breaking and difficult to read post.
When I was ten until I was twelve years old, I attended a small non-denominational Christian school in which spanking was permitted. Although such practice is almost unheard of now, even among private schools, it was fairly common a few decades ago. Of course, like most Christians who spank, the rationale for using a paddle as a disciplinary tool was because “the Bible said so.” As has been noted here several times, the “rod” verses are time and again misinterpreted, as is so much in the Bible these days.
My personal experiences with spanking were absolutely terrifying. Every teacher had the power to spank, and the offenses that called for spanking were at the discretion of the teacher. Since none of my peers knew what could provoke a spanking, we went to school in constant fear. The one instance that stands out most for me was being spanked for a dubious reason.
It was gym class, and one rule that was established at the beginning of the year was that students could not wear jewelry for the duration of the class. One day, I was wearing a new digital watch that my mother had given me for my birthday. After we lined up Coach Baker yelled at me, “I thought I told you no jewelry.” I responded, very sincerely, that I didn’t know watches were jewelry. Immediately, my gym teacher, in a fit of rage, his voice raised several decibels higher, screamed, “Don’t you dare talk back to me.” And that was my first experience with spanking. I remember being confused, hurt, and humiliated, and I can say without hesitation that I have never felt like that before or since. But I didn’t learn anything, except that, apparently watches count as jewelry.
Having had a first-hand experience with spanking, I can say with a measure of authority that spanking does not produce results, neither short nor long-term. After leaving that school, I personally left the church, and refused to attend throughout my school years. Why? I felt that if a school like that could condone and embrace abuse, then I did not want to have any part of the religion or God associated with it. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that God is not about punishment, abuse, and humiliation. God is, in short, love.
But there are many children from Christian households who get spanked, and I don’t doubt for a second that a majority of these children will grow up to either forsake religion, or they will become adults who are angry, scared, or both. After all, as the joke goes, the quickest way for a Catholic to leave the religion is to send him to a Catholic school. I can’t tell you how many of my friends, having equated Christianity with hate and intolerance, stopped believing merely because their instructors in religious practice were angry people concerned only with physically and psychologically subduing those younger and weaker than them.
In the final analysis, then, spanking isn’t just bad for the child. We know that already. But it is bad for the future of our religion. Our Christian inheritance is distinguished from other religions in that it was the first belief system with its radical message of unconditional love. So for those who constantly cite the Old Testament rod verses, consider this, from the book of John:
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother” –I John 4:18-21.
Author Bio:
By Nadia Jones who blogs at online college about education, college, student, teacher, money saving, movie related topics. You can reach her at nadia.jones5 @ gmail.com.
Dulce de Leche has posted Another Anonymous Post on Spanking in which the anonymous poster shares about how the spankings her younger brother received affected her.
What message do children really take away from corporeal punishment? Carissa Robinson has asked some mothers what they remembered about being spanked and posts their thoughts and stories in What Do They Really Think?
( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)
This will be the conclusion of this series in which we have explored and discovered some of the origins of spanking children within Christianity. It was my goal to show that spanking is from man and not God, as so many well-meaning Christians have believed throughout the ages. In this paper, I will show how the idea of controlling children dates back to the early church in the ancient world, look at how Catholicism has advocated and used physical punishment with children, show the likely origin of the “Christian rules of how to spank children,” and will conclude with explaining Behaviorism and how physical punishment falls under that very old and outdated branch of Psychology.
The Origins of the Christian Need to Control Children
Many Christian advocates of spanking as well as the parents who follow these advocates are often quite concerned with controlling their children’s behavior, and really, one could say controlling their children. Advocates such as James Dobson, the Ezzos, the Pearls, and others teach parents that they must be in control of their children from birth. They claim that newborn infants must be taught that their parents are the bosses, not them. If this sounds familiar, it is because control and breaking children’s wills go hand and hand. We’ve seen how breaking the child’s will has been advocated for and done by Christians throughout history despite there being no biblical grounds for doing such a thing (See Parts 1, 2, & 3 for more info on breaking children’s wills). This need for adults to control their children dates back to New Testament times. In fact, certain verses of the New Testament are used to try and justify controlling one’s children. [Read more...]
Dulce de Leche looks at the Spiritual Roots of discipline.
Pearl in Oyster (PIO) shares how her young daughter was Scared Sleepless and why considering the reasons can help us to be patient when our children can’t sleep.
Dulce de Leche explains her stance on Fear, Boundaries and Pleasers in this insightful post.
( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3)
In this paper of this series in which I am exploring the Christian history of spanking, I would like to begin by discussing some of John Calvin’s beliefs in regards to children as many of the people that we have discussed in this series have been highly influenced by Calvin’s beliefs. After I discuss John Calvin, we will look at Jonathan Edwards as he still influences some Christian advocates of spanking children. It is my hope that people are discovering for themselves that spanking is from man, not from God as we go through this historic journey together.
John Calvin
John Calvin (1509-1564) was one of the primary figures in the Protestant Reformation. He became a born again Christian in 1533. He then became a Protestant pastor in Geneva, Switzerland, and created the Geneva Academy after returning from exile in 1542. “Calvin’s major institutional contribution to education was his Geneva Academy, which he established upon his return from exile. The academy was divided into two schools. The private school taught children until about age sixteen, and the public school served as the university” (Reed & Provost, 1993, p. 197). Calvin believed in the strict religious education of children, and the Geneva church controlled the academy. The teachers employed by the church were well versed in Calvin’s strict disciplinarian approach that often included physical punishment. The following poem shows exactly how John Calvin felt regarding the use of physical punishment with children:
Who spares the rod with spirit mild,
He surely hates and harms his child.
Stripes and fear are right;
But who disowns their might,
And trains his son in tender way,
Unfits him for life’s earnest fray” (Reed & Provost, 1993, p. 198).
It is clear from this poem that Calvin had no understanding of lovingly admonishing children as well as adults as Colossians 3:16 tells us to do. Nor did he seem to understand Christ’s teaching of forgiveness (Luke 3:3; Luke 24:47). And I must wonder if he knew that gentleness and patience are some of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
Before I get too deeply into Calvin’s beliefs about children, I would like to take a look into how society in general viewed children and childhood during the 16th century. [Read more...]
John Cornish shares about of his Childhood in the ATI/IFB World and how it affected his life. This is not really about abuse per se, more of how a mindset damaged him. This mindset is known to lead to abuse and this testimony shows how damaging the mindset is. More importantly, he explains how scriptural it is.
Jonathan Wesley (1703-1791) is known as the founder of Methodism, and for the effects he had (and still has) on the education of children and adults. In Part 2, I looked at the child-rearing practices of his mother, Susanna Wesley, whom many Christian advocates of spanking hold up as a model for Christian mothers. Susanna gave John special attention as he almost died in one of the house fires. John deeply loved his mother, and it has been said that he didn’t think he could ever find a woman like his mother to marry. Now, before we say that his mother’s child-rearing practices couldn’t have been that bad if he loved her that much, it is well documented that abused children that have been taken away from their abusive parents will cry and ask, “If I’m really good tomorrow, can I go home to my mommy and daddy?” As I point out in Part 5 of my series called, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” children have a very forgiving nature and love their parents no matter what. That’s how I was with my dad despite his physical abuse. He said he was sorry many times throughout my childhood, and I always forgave him. Now some pro-spankers may argue that there’s a line between abuse and spanking. My dad never left marks on my body, but it was indeed abuse as he’d hit and be rough with me for things out of my control. My mom only spanked me once, and though she never apologized, I forgave her within the week. Though both my parents were wrong for hitting me, I’ve long forgiven both of them and have a great relationship with my mom. So, for all those who claim spankings didn’t hurt them, I must ask that they truly think about how they felt right before, during, and afterwards because when children are hurt by the closest people in their lives, it does harm and hurt, otherwise there wouldn’t be so much denial and controversy over using physical punishment with our children! And if spanking (hitting) children was ordained by God, then there would be NO questions or controversy among Christians and the secular world regarding the amount of harm spanking a child does as Scripture clearly states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Read more...]
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