Rilla G. explains the importance of Validating Feelings which is very important and one of my original reasons for rejecting the teachings which punish children for not having a “happy heart.”

Rilla has generously given me permission to reprint her post below:

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Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish. Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength. (Source)

Growing up, the only acceptable emotion my parents approved of or allowed was “happy” or varying degrees of happy. Anything less was invalidated, shamed, and punished.

“Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about” gave me the message that what I was feeling was wrong, and only physical pain was worthy of emotions. And even then, if I cried too long over a spanking, another spanking was threatened and/or administered. I was to get my emotions in check immediately, or pay the price.

“Change your attitude or I’ll change it for you” told me that anything less than happy was labeled a “bad attitude” and also punishable.

“Don’t be such a baby. Life isn’t fair, so just get over it.” Any perceived weakness or negative reaction to life circumstances was shamed. Approval was only ever given for being “strong” (feeling-less) in the face of adversity and never losing the much admired “Polly Anna” smile, perpetuating the fallacy that everything was hunky-dorey as long as you’re constantly optimistic.

Emotions that are suppressed WILL come out, one way or another. During adolescence I learned to suppress emotions through continual secret binge eating. The pain that was going unexpressed and unacknowledged had to be canceled out with physical pain once spankings were no longer being administered. The physical pain of being hit momentarily blocked out any emotional pain I was feeling. As a teenager and eventually an adult, the physical pain caused by extreme overeating worked momentarily to block out any emotional pain I was experiencing. Unfortunately, the shame that followed an episode of binge eating perpetuated the cycle of emotional dysfunction much the same way negative feelings resurfaced once the physical pain of a spanking passed, often leading to another punishment… and then another… and another…

When my son was very young I was introduced to the concept of Positive Parenting. Through talking to other parents using this method of parenting, I learned how important it is to allow my child to experience a full range of emotions without shaming so he won’t stuff his feelings and subsequently harbour feelings of low self esteem and self doubt. Allowing my child to own and experience his feelings and giving him the tools to cope with them appropriately is arming him to be confident and emotionally healthy. Ironically, validating his feelings diminishes negative feelings, and as a result he’s happy most of the time. Happy isn’t the goal, healthy is, and some days there’s lots of unhappy, or angry, or sad. Validating those feelings gives him the ability to feel without suppressing, and he can articulate emotions in a way I find astounding in a child of so few years. I have a lot to learn from him.

Validating feelings didn’t happen naturally at first, but it isn’t difficult, it just takes practice. Over time it becomes a first response, and I would imagine raising a child with constant validation will give him the natural ability to validate other’s feelings.

There are NO right or wrong feelings. A feeling just IS and as the parent, I am here to guide my child through the process of feeling and responding to those feelings in a healthy manner.

When I had a miscarriage last spring I struggled with wanting to protect our son from the sorrow and grief I was experiencing, yet not exclude him from sharing in the grief our family needed to process. Some wise friends who had already experienced a similar situation counseled me to go ahead and share our grief with him and validate his grief. We included him in our farewell ceremony, and let him cry and express his sorrow and disappointment that our much-hoped-for baby was no longer going to be a part of our family. It not only helped him move through the grief in a healthy manner, but it helped me to do the same.

Day to day validating might go something like this:

ds: *voice raised and an angry tone* I am SO mad that I can’t watch another movie!

me: You really enjoy watching movies, don’t you?

ds: Yes, and I have NOTHING to do now. *flops on the couch in dramatic despair*

me: It’s hard being denied something you want.

ds: Yes it is. *tone less upset and more accepting*

me: You seem really upset right now.

ds: Yes! I want to watch a movie. *scowls at me*

me: I’m sorry you’re feeling upset. That would make me upset too.

ds: I guess I could do a puzzle instead. *Eventually gets up to find something else to do*

I’ve acknowledged he’s upset, I’ve validated his feelings about it, and I’ve allowed him a safe space to feel upset. Notice that at no point did I minimize his upset as “silly” or “ridiculous”, nor did I try to solve his “problem” or offer advice or a lecture. If his upset had escalated to inappropriate behaviour (throwing or breaking something for instance), he would be gently guided through making amends and facing appropriate consequences for his actions while respecting his big feelings.

Positive Parenting has helped me move from a place of suppressing feelings in an unhealthy manner to a place of modeling healthy expression of emotions. Because I was never encouraged to express my feelings with my family, I’m just now getting around to feeling emotionally safe enough to express a full range of feelings about events that have happened over the last 20 years. My loved ones still don’t validate my feelings, and they seem to take my feelings as a personal criticism. It’s important to realize that when others dismiss my feelings, that does not invalidate what I’m feeling or make my feelings any less important. There are no wrong or right feelings, and it’s okay to be negative and unhappy about negative and unhappy life events. Having big feelings does not mean I don’t like or approve of the person involved, it just means I’m having big feelings that I need to process.

It’s okay to ask for validation. Talk to your spouse and children about validating feelings. Role play and model what you would like to hear. Next time you are feeling upset, practice expressing your feelings in a healthy boundaried manner. If it spirals out of control, be brave enough to apologize. It will get easier with practice. Own your feelings, assign positive intent to others involved, and don’t verbally attack your loved ones (that’s not any healthier or beneficial than stuffing feelings), but do practice telling them how you feel. Give them the opportunity to respond in a validating way. If they don’t respond the way you hoped, you can validate your own feelings. There’s no shame in feeling and the real advantage is you’ll be more emotionally connected to those around you.

Personally, I’m not a big fan of “reflecting” feelings because it seems condescending. Defining my feelings doesn’t feel like acknowledging them. Other’s find it helpful though, so here’s a link about that method.

Links about Validating Feelings:

Emotional Validation

Validate your Partner’s Feelings (word doc)

Levels of Validation

Validate their Feelings – Advice for Fathers

The 5 Commitments in Writing