To Condition Up A Child?

Michael Pearl says that his teachings are Biblical.  Lee Woofenden does not agree and he explains why in his post, To Train Up A Child, or: Spare the Rod? What Rod?  This is a long article and worth the read.  He points out, among other things, that Mr. Pearl is actually teaching parents to condition their children which is not Biblical.

Children and Their Choices

forgedimagination has a very interesting series about Choices and Children Being Allowed to Make Them.


Part 1
in which she shares a story from her childhood about being allowed to make choices.

Part 2 in which she tells us about how her right to make choices came to be taken away and introduces a petition for the Home School Legal Defense Association to openly acknowledge that homeschoolers can also be abusers, and to educate their members about child abuse.

Part 3 in which she explains how inherently abusive it is to raise children with the doctrine of Instance Obedience.

Benefits of Gentle Parenting

Jesse Hoover writes about how being gentle allowed him to correct without losing his son’s heart in When An Iron Fist Turns Soft.

Dara Stoltzfus shares about how gentle parenting saved her life as she discusses blind obedience.

Voddie Baucham and The Sin of Shyness

Did Voddie Baucham really say that a shy child who refuses to obey a parent and say hello to him is sinning? Cindy of Under Much Grace provides the evidence (in the form of a transcribed audio clip) so that you can decide for yourself.

Bringing Out The Best In Our Children

Sara Mae shares how spanking was affecting her 2 1/2 year old’s self esteem and why she and her husband decided to stop in How Gentleness Makes Our Children Great.

Dara Stoltzfus also has noticed the importance of  a child’s self-worth and explains how we can encourage their inner beauty in Princes and Princesses on the Inside.

 

 

Obedience and Fear

Do your children fear getting in trouble?  Dara Stoltzfus shows us how dangerous it can be for children to fear their parents in a *very* sensitive post. Honestly, I wish I had never read this post.  It is so disturbing that I will just summarize it for the sensitive.  A 9 year old girl put herself into the worse situation imaginable because she was more afraid of getting in trouble than she was of a stranger. Horrific.  Why would a child who had done nothing wrong be afraid to go home and instead seek refuge with a stranger?  Please don’t allow your children to be afraid of you.  Even a child who has done something wrong should not be afraid of their parents.  Perfect love casts out all fear.

So, how should we get our children to obey?  Please see what MamaPsalmist has to say about  Obedience.

Delayed Obedience is Disobedience?

Does the Bible teach that delayed obedience is disobedience?  To answer that question, Carissa Robinson examines the Parable of The Two Sons in First Time, With a Happy Heart.

Sally Clarkson Looks At Obedience

Veteran Mother and writer, Sally Clarkson, looks at first time obedience in Obedience is a pathway of Maturity and Faith.

Sarah’s Arguments Against Spanking

Sarah, of Under the Olive Branch, explains why she does not believe in spanking in a well researched and chatty post entitled, A person’s a person no matter how small.  She also answers some common arguments for spanking with counter arguments, which many will find helpful.

But They Look So Happy

Home Educating Family Magazine has published an opinion piece about the Duggars and the teachings they follow (Gothard, S. M. Davis and Pearl) called, They Smile, but Do They Laugh?

 

A Closer Look at Obedience

Molly, from Adventures in Discipline, takes a closer look at Obedience.

Delayed or grudging obedience is disobedience?

Claire continues her Myth Busting series with Myth Busting 9: Right Away, All the Way, With a Happy Heart – or it’s Rebellion!

Part I: Delayed or grudging obedience is disobedience?

Part II: Is Disobedience to Parents Rebellion?

Should Obedience Be The Goal of Parenting?

The Hippie Housewife asks if our goal for our children should be Obedience or something else.

On a similar note, Created To Be His muses on the idea that Sons of Hell Can Be Rather Impressive.

Meanwhile, Pearl in Oyster (PIO) continues her 52 Tool Cards series with 52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Act Without Words and One Word.

Commandments for Parents

Dulce de Leche explains how some parents inadvertently set themselves up as idols in The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Other Gods.

Alison Strobel explains Golden Rule Parenting.

It’s Not Just About Spanking Children, It’s About Breaking Children

Former Pearl follower Becky, from Created To Be His, shares a letter she wrote explaining her concerns with the Pearls and their teachings.  In this letter she also explains what these teachings have to do with the death of Lydia Schatz and includes quotes from the book.

Elizabeth Esther Explains the Popularity of TTUAC

Elizabeth Esther explains How “To Train Up A Child” Got So Popular in a video.

Meanwhile, Dulce de Leche considers Defiance and the Thought Police in a very important post.  Are you punishing your children for obeying but with a defiant attitude? Are you expecting them to obey right away with a convincing smile? If so, you are ordering them to pretend to feel something they don’t. You are ordering them to lie and be hypocrites. God does not have a problem with emotional outbursts, but He hates lying and hypocrisy. Dulce also warns,

The child is left with two options: lie convincingly or never question anything internally, not even to understand it better . . .  Over years of practice, both options are exceedingly dangerous. You wind up with a compulsive people pleaser who will lie convincingly without qualm or someone who believes everything and never thinks for himself.

 

Elizabeth Esther on Anderson

Elizabeth Esther will be appearing on Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show (on FOX) with Michael Pearl this Friday (Dec 2, 2011) and she writes about it here, My appearance on Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show airs this Friday, Dec. 2nd #NoMoreDeadKids.  She includes a link to find out where and when you can watch it in your area. And here is a promo for the show.

Here is another recent post where she explains why many people follow Pearls’ teachings: Seductive promise of perfectly happy, obedient children feeds abuse.

A Closer Look At The Pearls’ Teachings and Adoption

Christine Minich takes a look at The Pearls’ Teachings in:

The Disturbing World of The Pearls in which she looks at Doublespeak and Definitions as well as some examples of his abusive teachings.

and The Disturbing World of The Pearls Part 2 in which she takes a look at their heretical Theology.

Also, TulipGirl tries to shed some light on the underlying philosophy of the Pearls’ Teachings with On The Pearls And Parenting, Once Again.

The Toronto Sun has an article about the Pearls’ Teachings in Was child abused to death due to advice from book?

Missizzy posted a Recipe For Disaster on  the Websleuths.com message board which explains what happened to Lydia and Hanna.  You might be interested in the rest of the conversation, it is really quite interesting.  I hope it is ok for me to link to this.  If anyone objects, please email me at hermanalinda@whynottrainachild.com and I will remove this entire paragraph.

I also thought I’d mention this post from Civil Thoughts about Adoption Education because that is so important.

Jesus: Gentle Parent

Little Hearts Gentle Parenting Resources posts about Jesus, The Gentle Parent and how we can learn from Him and His example.

Gentle Parenting In Action

Libby Anne has a very interesting blog post about how being raised by the Pearls’ teachings affects her efforts to gently parent her daughter in Parenting Is Not A Contest.

For more examples of Gentle Parenting, check out Pearl in Oyster’s (PIO’s) play by play of one whole day day:

A Day in the Life, Part 1 – Morning Routine

A Day in the Life, Part 2 – getting out the door and running a few errands.

A Day in the Life, Part 3 – Library and Lunch

A Day in the Life, Part 4-The Rest of our Day

And allow  Greenegem to show you what Guiding with a rod looks like.

Motherhood as Ministry

Candace of His Mercy is New looks at The Ministry of Motherhood and His Grace in My Life in this lovely testimony.

Spanking Infants???

Elizabeth Esther posted about the 20/20 exposé of abuse in some IBF churches and interprets Pastor Brian Fuller’s remarks.  She explains the teaching of first time obedience  and how common the spanking of infants really in these churches. By the way, some of the comments of this blog post seem to have inside information in them.

Also, I want to make it clear that  not all Independent Fundamental Baptist Churches have abusive teachings.  I am a member of an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church which does not.  The pastor often reminds us that salvation is by faith in Jesus and what He did alone and you cannot add anything to that.  He reminds us that saying a prayer or baptism or anything else will not save you, you are saved by believing that what Jesus said and did is true.  They do believe in corporal punishment but I have never heard of anyone there spanking an infant or using an implement.  While they might say that they believe in wifely submission, what I see looks more like mutual submission.   I see no signs of the patriarchal movement, most of the women in that church wear pants.  They also cut and dye their hair and nobody says a word about it.  Women work outside the home and girls are expected to go to college.  On top of that, many in  the congregation uses public schools.  So, I don’t know how extensive the abuse in IFB churches is but I believe that churches need to be considered on a church by church basis.  After all, they are independent.

One Mom’s Look at “Shepherding A Child’s Heart”

Thatmom has re-posted Anne Sokol’s book review of Ted Tripp’s book, Shepherding A Child’s Heart.  I’m so glad she did because I missed it the first time.

Speaking of which, here is another review of that book from MarynMunchkins on GCM.

Series on First Time Obedience

Cindy of Under Much Grace has posted part 5 of her series about First Time Obedience: Revisiting First Time Obedience: Finding New Alternatives

For your convenience I will paste here the links to the rest of the series along with her descriptions:

  • A review of the submission required under multigenerational faithfulness as Vision Forum’s carryover from Bill Gothard’s submission teachings with various examples of this demand for unquestioned obedience without credulity. First post specifically examining “First Time Obedience” in young children.
  • A review of the principle of sacerdotalism and parental convenience (as a control issue in dysfunctional families) as rationales for requiring “First Time Obedience” and “leaps of faith” required under multigenerational faithfulness.
  • Review of the tendency to make every banal daily activity one of great eternal spiritual significance as a consequence of works-based salvation. Includes a discussion of viewing personality traits that do not fit the belief system’s paradigm as sinful as well as the building up of all gender related activities as sacramental for the impartation of inward sanctification.
  • Blog host’s personal experience with inherent personality traits treated by parents as sin, the idolatry of seeking parental approval, and the consequences of requiring unquestioned submission with the use of guilt and shame that predisposes one to easy brainwashing and compliance with thought reform. Includes a section from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion addressing the powerful effects of devaluing individuals in religious settings.
  • Discussion of the development of how perfectionism, works-based salvation and First Time Obedience squelch problem-solving skill and prevent the development of critical thinking under the guise of multigenerational faithfulness.

A specific review of the theological problems in Voddie Baucham’s defense of First Time Obedience as well as the refutation of the practice from Scripture. Echos concerns noted in this previous blog post concerning Baucham’s “Family Driven Faith” book.

Thankfull for Gentle Discipline

Carissa Robinson has a lovely blog post about how Thankfull she is that they are using gentle discipline, complete with an example of how it works.  She also links to Sally Clarkson’s blog post about First Time Obedience.  Sally Clarkson writes as the mother of adult children and reflects back on how her children were raised and how dangerous it is to try to use a formula for child raising, especially one which involves training.

Instant Obedience or Compliance

Molly explains the dangers of training children for Instant Obedience or Compliance in this testimony about a young lady and the abuse of authority outside the home.

The Root Problem

Dulce de Leche uncovers the root problem with the punitive mindset in her post, Authority, Submission, Control and Discipline.

Yes, the root problem is control. Now that you have seen why we should not try to control our children, Lucy explains why she cannot control her children and what that looks like in her house.

Does Punishment Really Produce Godly Character?

I just found out about the group known as the Assembly under the ministry of George and Betty Geftakys. I had not heard of them before this, but as they were using the teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl (as well as Fugate and Ezzo,) they are of interest.  Apparently, they are another cultic and spiritually abusive group.   In fact, Betty Geftakys had her own pamphet about child training which almost makes the Pearl’s training methods look mild by comparison.

The post I want to highlight today is from Meg, a former member of that group,  and is entitled, Does Discipline Really Produce Godly Character…?

Testimonies from No Longer Quivering Moms

No Longer Quivering has a new series called Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World.   Part 4 of this series is Acknowledgment & Apologies which could be considered testimonies of the damage done by the quiverfull mindset.  Part 5: Confessions of a Quiverfull Hero and Part 6: Soul Binding are long testimonies about how raising children in the quiverfull mindset almost destroyed them.  Heartbreaking.

Debra’s Random Thoughts

Deb at Debra’s Random Thoughts is no longer updating her blog.  Her blog is still worth visiting, as she has written some very interesting posts about the Pearls’ teachings.

Check out, for instance, her critique of the story in To Train Up A Child where Debi trades blows with 2 yr old in order to teach him not to hit.  Her link  to the book is no longer there so  here is another link so that you can check out her quotes: http://www.quicksilverqueen.com/ttuacbook.html.

This is the post she wrote when she found out about the death of Lydia Schatz.  In this post she explains how dangerous the Pearls’ teachings really are.

She explains why she doesn’t believe in First Time, Cheerful Obedience.

She also has the series about the life of the Pearls’ eldest daughter Rebekah Pearl Anast