Christian arguments against the Pearls' teachings.
Samuel Martin looks at Corporal and Eternal Punishment in 3 parts:
Corporal and Eternal Punishment: Time to disconnect these two ideas once and for all – Part One
Corporal and Eternal Punishment: Time to disconnect these two ideas once and for all – Part Two
Corporal and Eternal Punishment: Time to disconnect these two ideas once and for all – Part Three
Cultured Mama looks at the question, Does Discipline Mean To Spank?
In this series we will be looking at how to biblically discipline our children without inflicting pain on them or harming them in any way. Some of the discipline strategies that we will be discussing throughout this series are modeling, child-proofing, validating feelings, fulfilling the child’s physical and emotional needs, setting realistic limits and boundaries, helping children comply, giving choices, and using natural and logical consequences with children. The Bible says that we are to encourage each other (2 Corinthians 13:11). All of the discipline strategies in this series do exactly that with our children. In this first piece, we will be discussing authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting. We will also discuss how to child-proof, modeling, and introducing God to our children.
Authoritative versus Permissive Parenting—Not Spanking does NOT Mean Wild, Rebellious Children
Pro-spankers often accuse or claim that parents who do not spank or use any type of punishment with their children of having wild and rebellious children. This simply is not the case for parents that use the authoritative parenting style. There seems to be much confusion over the three types of parenting styles. We discussed the authoritarian parenting style in great detail in Part 6 of my series, “The Effects of Spanking.” As we begin to focus on how to gently but firmly discipline children, we need to examine the other two parenting styles: authoritative parenting and permissive parenting.
Just as there is a huge difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting, there is also a huge difference between authoritative and permissive parenting. Let’s look at authoritative parenting (attachment parenting falls under authoritative parenting) as all of the discipline techniques that we will be looking at throughout this series fall under authoritative parenting. And, as we will see, authoritative parenting is biblically supported and accurate as God is authoritative with us.
So, what is authoritative parenting? Santrock (2008) states:
“Authoritative parenting encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions. Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed and parents are nurturant and supportive. An authoritative parent might put his or her arm on the child’s shoulder in a comforting way and say, ‘You know you should not have done that. Let’s talk about how you can handle the situation differently next time.’ Children whose parents are authoritative often behave in socially competent ways. They tend to be self-reliant, delay gratification, get along with their peers, and show high self-esteem” (p. 76).
Authoritative parents are firm but gentle with their children. They take the time to learn about child development, and know at which stage their children are developmentally in order to gain a better understanding of their children’s behaviors. Authoritative parents set firm, realistic boundaries and limits for their children based on the developmental stage of their children. While these parents stick to their guns on some things such as bedtime and not allowing their children to eat cookies before suppertime, they always listen to all of their children’s feelings and validate those feelings. In situations where negotiation can occur such as allowing five more minutes of playtime before having their children clean up, these parents do so. These parents also give their children simple choices when appropriate, but they are not afraid to let their children know when something is not a choice and compliance is absolutely required. When children don’t comply, authoritative parents will gently but firmly help their children comply. And these parents use natural and logical consequences with their children instead of punishment.
In sum, authoritative parents give much grace to their children, and aim to work with their children instead of against them. They teach the Word of God to their children instead of using God’s Holy Word to justify hurting them. As Robin Grille (2005) states, “Authoritative parenting is more effective, since it is assertive rather than aggressive or manipulative” (p. 214).
Permissive parenting, on the other hand, is the direct opposite of authoritative parenting. Permissive parenting is just as harmful and abusive to children as authoritarian parenting even though these two parenting styles are on the two polar ends when it comes to parenting styles. Permissive parents do not set limits or boundaries for their children. And when these parents do set limits and boundaries for their children, they often don’t consistently enforce them. Some permissive parents allow their children to “walk all over them,” to have whatever they want, and rarely do these parents give their children appropriate consequence when necessary. Other permissive parents outright neglect all of their children’s needs. They do not even give their children appropriate and necessary care. All of permissive parenting, as I said above, is abusive because either type do not provide children with what they need to thrive. It also exasperates and frustrates children not to have any discipline just like spanking them does. Permissive and authoritarian parents breaks God’s charge for parents not to frustrate or exasperate their children in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21. “Permissiveness is disrespectful and does not teach important life skills. True discipline guides, teaches, and invites healthy choices” (Nelsen, Erwin, & Duffy, 2007, p. 8).
For this reason, I would never advocate for permissiveness, just as I would never advocate for authoritarianism. Allowing children to have and do whatever they want is as bad for them as hitting them. And permissiveness simply is not biblical.
Now that we have a clear understanding of the three parenting styles, I want us to see why authoritative parenting is what the Bible supports. God is our Perfect Parent. He treats us with respect, love, grace, and mercy. He wrestles with us and puts up with us when we question and argue with Him. In Genesis 32:22-25, God allowed Jacob to wrestle with Him. He did not punish Jacob, even though Jacob limped away the next day from wrestling with God all night, but instead, God changes Jacob’s name to Israel because he wrestled with God and humans and overcame (Genesis 32:28)! Later in Exodus 4:1-17, we see Moses argue with God about going back to Egypt to get Pharaoh to release the Israelites. Yes, God eventually got angry with Moses, but instead of punishing Moses, God makes it easier for Moses to obey. Look at this passage:
“Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. 15 You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. 16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. 17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform the signs with it” Exodus 4:14-17. God lets Moses’ brother, Aaron, go with Moses to help him do God’s Will. God definitely disciplines us but in a gentle but firm manner.
Jesus often had to discipline and rebuke His disciples. His disciples could be unruly at times, but Jesus only corrected and rebuked them. Never once did Jesus punish His disciples. Luke 9:51-56 is a perfect example of how Jesus rebuked His disciples. Let’s take a look at this passage:
“As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” But Jesus turned and rebuked them. Then he and his disciples went to another village.”
James and John wanted to have fire rain down from Heaven to destroy the Samaritan town because the town rejected their Savior. But Jesus made it quite clear to James and John that just because they had the power from God to have fire come out of Heaven did not mean they could go around destroying towns because they were angry with the people of the town. This is how God disciplines us. And we should follow God’s example when we discipline our children. God is authoritative because He is a God of relationships. He wants loving relationships with us, and He wants us to have loving relationships with each other. “It is clear throughout Scripture that God is very concerned with relationship. He desires relationship with us and we receive much instruction on how to conduct ourselves in our relationships with each other through reading his Word” (Lutton, 2001, p. 24-25). We must always keep this in mind as we seek to discipline our children in a gentle but firm manner.
“Start Off Children on the Way They Should Go”—Discipline by Working with Children’s Personalities
Proverbs 22:6 is a very important verse to study as we get into how to discipline our children. But before we get deeper into this verse, I want to once again remind everyone what discipline truly means because, as I’ve mentioned throughout my work, discipline and punishment are two very different things. We must stop equating discipline with punishment and “training.” Discipline means to teach and to guide children. As Nelsen, Erwin, and Duffy (2007) state, “Discipline with very young children is mostly about deciding what you will do (and kindly and firmly following through) than with what you expect your child to do. And it’s never too early to lay a foundation for respectful, effective parenting” (p. 4-5). Discipline must begin at birth. Sadly, because so many parents equate discipline with punishment and “training,” they either don’t mindfully discipline their children until toddlerhood or they begin punishing, and most likely abusing, their infants. Here is a perfect example of why we must stop equating discipline with punishment. Ruth Ann Hammond (2009) states in her book, Respecting Babies: A New Look at Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach, the following:
“A parent at the orientation for the infant-toddler program at Pacific Oaks once asked, ‘When should we start disciplining our toddler?’ In my head, I thought, ‘Well, if you’re just now asking, it’s already too late,’ but of course I did not say that. What I did was ask the group, as Magda had regularly done, what the word discipline really means. In any group, there is always someone who says, ‘punishment,’ and I think the father in this story had this concept in mind when he asked his question. This question was often the jumping off place where Magda would begin to discuss her perspective on discipline, as in ‘disciple: a follower or pupil of a leader, teacher, philosophy, etc.’ (Oxford Illustrated Dictionary, 1998), wherein a person would want to conform him- or herself to the likeness of an admired other. The father was correct in presuming that punishment is inappropriate with infants; his question, I think, was really about when punishment can be utilized Magda never advocated punishment as a deterrent; her ideas were much more subtle and presumed that the child’s inner agenda included a desire to have the parent’s approval” (p. 70).
Now that we have an understanding of what discipline truly means, let’s take a closer look at Proverbs 22:6. Most of us know the old version of this verse by heart. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” But the updated version is the one I have used for the subtitle of this section which states, “Start off children in the way that they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (2011 NIV). I know I have explained this before, but the imagery of this verse is more of a road, and we want our children to follow the road that God has set out for them at conception. However, we can’t really train children to follow this road. All we can do is set them down on the road and allow God to help us guide them down this road. However, on whatever version one chooses to concentrate, this is one verse about discipline that is very important to understand in order to correctly apply it to how we are to discipline children. “Proverbs 22:6 is the master verse of Christian discipline…The Book of Proverbs is noted for short verses with deep meaning. Dig into this verse and discover what God is saying to you. God is reminding you of your awe-inspiring responsibility to discipline your children. What you do now will affect your child’s whole life” (Sears & Sears, 1997, p. 328). We must do all we can to accurately apply this verse.
Despite what many Christian pro-spankers claim, this verse is not meant to be a promise that if parents diligently spank their children then the children will grow up to be godly adults. As we have seen throughout my series, “The Effects of Spanking,” this, unfortunately is not the case, as many that have grown up in Christian homes where they were spanked, even “lovingly,” have turned from God. Since we know that God never lies, it is obvious that God did not intend this verse to be used as a promise for spanking. Actually, God intended us to understand this verse in the direct opposite way that most pro-spankers do. God wants us to parent our children in such a way that we truly know our children and can see from their personalities and temperaments as well as interests, which way God is leading them. We need to work with our children, and help them to channel their energies into positive things. For infants, this means gearing their care and your responses to them in a manner that fits their temperament. A high-needs infant will need more interaction and care. A low-needs infant still needs plenty of interaction and care, but may enjoy more down time to him or herself. A high-needs toddler will require more active gross motor play to expend his or her energy than a low-needs toddler that may enjoy more quiet activities. God does not want us to battle against who He made our children to be. Yes, we all tend toward sin, but we need to work with our children to help them learn how to fight the battle against sin, and to know what to do when they sin. After all, we all sin every day throughout the day. So instead of fighting a high-needs child to fit into what we want/need him or her to be by treating the child harshly or ignoring the child’s needs, we need to ask God to help us to figure out ways to work with the child to meet his or her needs while still making time for our own needs.
This verse also means respecting children’s interests even if they are much different than your own. For example, if your boy likes dolls, encourage that in him. God may be preparing him to be a teacher or a pediatrician. If your girl enjoys playing with trucks and dinosaurs, encourage her. God may be preparing her to be an archeologist or a missionary that drives trucks full of supplies for poor and needy people. “Biblical scholars suggest the latter interpretation of this verse [The one we have been discussing]. Each child has an individual bent or ‘way’ and therefore an individual plan. What God is saying to you is to know your child, be tuned in to his individual bent, keep your radar system attuned to the direction he should take, and keep him focused in that direction (which may not necessarily be the direction you want for him). This concept may be hard for parents to understand: ‘How do we know what direction God has for our child?’ If you have parented your child in a way that has helped you to really know him, this question is much less difficult to answer” (Sears & Sears, 1997, p. 328).
The objective of discipline is not to break children’s wills, but to help God mold them. We are born broken due to sin, so God wants to mold us into the people He wants us to be. Of course, we’ll never be perfect until we reach Heaven and there is no more sin. But as long as we live on this broken Earth, God will continue to discipline and mold us according to His Plan for us. As Jeremiah 18:4 states, “But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” God knows us better than we know ourselves as He created us in our mother’s wombs. Therefore, He works with us to help us overcome sin. We need to do the same with our children. Here are ways we can do this. It begins with the environment.
Setting up a Child-Friendly Environment
Our first job as disciplinarians is to create a safe and child-friendly environment. This helps getting compliance from children easier. It is up to us to make it as easy as possible for children to comply/obey. For infants and toddlers, our main objective is safety. The environment in which infants and toddlers explore should be completely safe to the point that if we were to accidently get locked out of our house, our infant or toddler would be safe inside. My suggestion is to pick the room in your house where your family spends the most time and completely child-proof it. Begin by placing covers on all electrical outlets. Put all electrical wires out of reach from the children. Tie up blind and curtain strings out of children’s reach. Secure all televisions, bookshelves, and any other furniture that your child could pull down onto his or herself to walls. Place all breakables out of the children’s reach. Use child-proof locks on cabinets and drawers that you do not want your children getting into. Keep all objects smaller than a tennis ball out of the children’s reach as they are choking hazards to infants and toddlers that naturally use their mouths to explore objects. Furniture with sharp corners should either be removed or have padding installed on the corners to prevent unsteady infants and toddlers from falling and banging their heads on these sharp corners. Child-proof doorknobs should be installed on all doors. And, of course, medications and cleaning chemicals should always be kept out of children’s reach.
Do this for every room that your children have access. As far as other rooms, it is important to use baby gates and or shut doors in order to keep children out of unsafe rooms when we are not with them. I highly recommend keeping children younger than 3-years-old out of the kitchen while cooking is taking place. Use a baby gate to do this. At any rate, the kitchen should still be child-proofed as much as possible. Cover all of the stove’s knobs and use child-proof locks on all drawers and cabinets. If you choose not to keep your child out of the kitchen, then having one drawer filled with safe things for your child to play with can make children feel special. While cooking, I highly suggest giving your child a special job to do to keep him or her occupied such as holding a towel, sorting dish towels, or giving him or her his or her own dishes and pots and pans with which to play.
Safety is so important as infants and toddlers cannot be expected to keep themselves safe. And it isn’t fair for us to punish our children for playing with things that we do not want them to break. Some pro-spankers claim that we should “train” infants and toddlers not to touch things by slapping or swatting their hands, but it is up to parents and caregivers to make the environment safe for them as well as to supervise them in all environments. This is what God does for us. Crystal Lutton (2001) beautifully states:
“Let’s look at how God handles new Christians to see if we can find a model to follow. Maybe you remember when you were a new Christian or when you last talked to one. Didn’t it seem like the world was fantastic for them and nothing could go wrong? Maybe they were even struggling with sin issues, but they were still floating. I believe that this is because God is only holding them accountable to the broadest of boundaries. Essentially these boundaries are the Greatest Commandment given in Matthew 22:36-40 when Jesus said we are to love God with all our hearts, minds, souls, and strength, and love our neighbors as ourselves. What new Christian doesn’t love God, themselves and others? Even Paul, in 1 Corinthians 3:2 explains that he has fed the Christians at Cornith with milk and not meat because they could not bear it yet” (p. 66).
Therefore, God keeps young Christians away from certain dangers until they are mature enough to handle them. Even Jesus did not tell His disciples everything that He could have because He knew they couldn’t handle it all at that time. “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear” John 16:12. And 1 Corinthians 10:13 clearly states, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” It is important to note that “temptation” and “tempted” can also mean “testing” and “testing” in the Greek translation of this verse.
Now this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t begin to teach children about danger as they become mobile toddlers. We can do this by telling toddlers about danger such as the stove will hurt if we touch it while it’s on. Or holding toddlers by a road and talking about how fast the cars are going and that if we run out into the street, the cars will hit us. Toddlers will not understand this immediately, so we must take every precaution to keep them out of dangerous situations. However, if a toddler happens to get away from you, and is headed for the street, for example, you need to say, “Stop!” or “No!” in an urgent, fearful tone as you run to the toddler and swiftly pick him or her up. Hitting the toddler will not teach danger. But when toddlers hear such an urgent, fearful tone of voice from their parents and get swiftly swooped up by their parents, they learn the seriousness of the situation. This is particularly true of toddlers being raised using a combination of the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) Approach and Attachment Parenting as parents usually tell their children from birth before they do anything with them and wait for some type of response from the children before moving on. (See my article “Attachment Theory-Why NOT to Train a Baby” for more info). After the toddler is out of danger, sit the toddler on your lap and look the toddler in the eye and firmly say, “The street is dangerous! You must not go out into the street without me or Daddy!” You may also tell your toddler how frightened you were when he or she tried to run into the street without you, but keep the verbal lecture short and simple so the child doesn’t lose the lesson amidst the words. Again, do not spank or punish the child. Do the same for a toddler reaching for a hot stove. Say, “Hot!” “No!” as you swiftly pick up the toddler. If a toddler gets hurt while doing something dangerous, do not rub it in by saying, “That’s what happens when you don’t obey me.” Instead, say, “Yes, the hot stove burned your hand when you touched it and hurt your hand. I’m sorry. Let’s make your hand feel better.” Comfort the child, validate his or her feelings, and help him or her feel better. After all, this is what God does for us!
Finally, set up the environment so that children have easy access to their books and toys. This will make it easier for them to help us clean up. Low shelves and plastic storage containers work great for children to get and return toys and books. Child sized furniture can also help children to feel more comfortable. Since boredom can cause children to act up, try to rotate some of their books and toys every week. But be sure to leave out a few favorites for them. Also, make sure the home exudes peacefulness as over stimulated children will also act up more. Parents and caregivers are often surprised at how some behavioral problems disappear by rearranging the environment. This is a very important factor of discipline. “One of your most basic jobs as disciplinarian is to create an environment that does not foster a conflict of wills. Having to fight you constantly will not help your child develop good relationships with authority figures. Having you control him constantly does not allow him to learn or become his own person. Remember that discipline is mainly guidance. If you make your home and your family into a place where it is not too difficult to be a child, the environment will help discipline the child and you will avoid many conflicts” (Sears & Sears, 1997, p. 338).
Just as making the environment is a crucial part of disciplining children, so is mindful modeling.
Mindful Modeling Appropriate Behaviors to Children
Mindful modeling is performing behaviors and values in which we want our children to learn and copy from us. Beginning at birth, children are watching and listening to everything we say and do even when it doesn’t seem like it. Infants may not understand all that is happening around them, but they are like little sponges, and are soaking everything in, which will undoubtedly influence them as they grow and mature.
Every parent wants his or her children to learn to respect him or her as well as others. The primary way that we teach respect is by being respectful to our children from birth onward. We also teach respect to children by being respectful to everyone we encounter. “You can’t expect your children to say kind things about people if you’re pointing out the faults of others. If you break something that belongs to someone else, you pay for it and say you’re sorry” (Kuzma, 2006, p. 657).
It seems like parents seem to forget to model the values that they want their children to learn such as prayer, worship, Bible study, and other ethics such as not lying or cheating. “You must live by the same code of ethics you are trying to instill in your children. You can’t expect them to resist lying, cheating, or watching questionable movies or television programs if you do any of these things yourself” (Kuzma, 2006, p. 657). I have witnessed many devout Christian families not put an importance on saying a quick prayer of thanks to God before eating. If we want children to have a great prayer life, we must model that to them by regularly praying throughout the day and before eating even a snack. Prayer, worship, and Bible study needs to be introduced to our children at birth. This means doing these things throughout the day by ourselves and with our children. We must make a commitment to live Christian disciplined lives. “Make a commitment that Christian discipline is a top priority in your life as well as in your relationship with your children. We stress this term commitment because it forms the basis of all parenting. You are well on your way to effective Christian discipline of your child if you love and fear your God and walk in His ways” (Sears & Sears, 1997, p. 329). I’m not saying that parents should not spend quiet time alone with God every day. Alone time with God is very important. But our children need to see and hear us doing this as well. Children are never too young to be introduced to our loving Lord and Savior! Christ must be at the center of our family so that our children will want to pursue a relationship with Him as they grow. “It is much easier to bring God into discipline at this stage if God is already at the center of your life, your marriage, and your family. If you have already made this commitment, you are well on your way to helping your child experience God’s presence in his life” (Sears & Sears, 1997, p. 332). Start simple by praying short, fun prayers with the new baby during daily care routines. My sister-in-law would pray with her son when he was a baby. She’d hold his little hands and pray happily, “God, thank you for this day and for Wyatt!” Wyatt would smile, coo, and giggle every time she prayed with him. Infants love praying. They also love being involved in family worship and singing. Dr. William Sears (1997) shares the following story of his infant daughter enjoying worship and even reminding them to pray before meals:
“Initially, Erin would simply watch this family praise. Eventually, she began raising her hands when we did. By fifteen months, as soon as the mealtime grace was finished, in anticipation of the praise song to follow she would raise her hands right on cue (sometime reminding us to sing). Praising the Lord was being imprinted upon her heart even before she could grasp intellectually the meaning of what was being sung. As we all joined hands, bowed our heads, and became quiet for prayer, she did the same. At seventeen months she was able to remind us to say the blessing by reaching for Dad’s hand on one side and Mom’s hand on the other side” (p. 333).
It is very important to tailor prayer time, worship time, and Bible time to your children’s ages and developmental stages. These times should be upbeat, fun, and short in duration for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. Children this age can only handle 10-15 minutes. And they should be acting out songs and even some stories through flannel boards where they can attach characters and animals in the story to a board. As children grow they will be able to handle more and more, but these times should still be fun and geared to their interests. Plus, they must see us truly enjoying ourselves when we spend time with God. It is totally unrealistic to expect young children to sit quietly for an hour at church. And be sure to plan these times of prayer, worship, and Bible study at times when children are happy and well rested. God does not want us to force our children to worship Him otherwise it will become a negative, legalistic experience for them and us. God wants true worship, not forced worship. If your toddler or preschooler refuses to pray or join in family worship, do not make a big deal about it, just begin praying or singing and your child will more than likely join in with you as most young children hate to be left out of things. How we help our children form their first impressions of God will impact them for the rest of their lives. Teresa Whitehurst (2003) states:
“Children form impressions of God based on what they observe in and experience with their parents. For good or for bad, children tend to view God as they see their parents, including their habits, attitudes, even hair color! Through our words and symbolic conduct, we send the message that God is a harsh judge, who is always looking for reasons to criticize, correct, and punish, or that he is a loving parent who is always looking for opportunities to listen, forgive, and guide” (p. 145).
Many parents forget how important play is for children. Play is the primary way that young children learn, so play is also a great tool to use to model appropriate behaviors and social skills to their children. As Dr. Kay Kuzma (2006) states:
“Play also increases social skills. When parents play with their children, the parent-child bond is strengthened, but it also tends to improve children’s behavior. A study from Oxford University found that the more time children spent playing with Mom at age three, the better their behavior by age four. Apparently, by getting down on a child’s level to play, you not only show interest and commitment to your child, but you teach cooperation and social skills much more effectively by modeling this behavior than you can teach through telling” (p. 426).
Along these same lines, as with worship and prayer, I don’t believe in forcing toddlers and preschoolers to say, “Please,” “Thank you,” or “I’m sorry,” when they don’t mean it. When we force this on them at a very young age, we teach them to say things when they don’t mean it. We need to be constantly modeling how to say these things to others because if children hear us saying “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” to them and others, then they are much more likely to follow suit. Jennifer McGrail uses modeling as one of her discipline strategies with her children and has had positive results from it. Here is what she says about modeling:
“One thing that I think a lot of people are confused about is how children can learn things like manners, respect, and the like without it being somehow drilled into them. My answer is this: I model the behavior that’s important to me. I say please and thank you. I say excuse me. I’m polite to waiters and bank tellers and cashiers. I’m true to myself. I respect other people’s things. I respect other people’s feelings. I don’t lash out at strangers on the internet because they do things differently than me. I say I’m sorry when I make a mistake. I treat my kids – and other people – the way I’d like to be treated. My children have learned it because they have lived it” (McGrail, 2011, http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/04/gentle-discipline-so-what-do-you-do/).
Now, of course, no one besides God is perfect. And it is actually good for children to see their parents occasionally make mistakes. This is especially true if their children also get to see their parents right their wrong. It is so important that we turn our own mistakes into learning opportunities for our children. I really like how Dr. Sears (1997) explains this:
“When we blow it—and we have—we correct it, so that the impression our child gets is ‘Yes, adults make mistakes, but the right thing to do is correct them.’ In fact, we have come to understand that there are no mistakes, only lessons. It’s up to you to make sure the lesson is constructive rather than destructive. This is hard to do because it is a new way of being for many of us. Remember Romans 8:1, ‘Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.’ God never condemns us as believers—He convicts us. What a difference that makes for us! We need to be sure our children experience conviction from us, never condemnation. From this they learn a valuable discipline lesson: a person takes responsibility for their actions” (p. 367).
So, is modeling biblical? As a matter of fact it is indeed. Jesus’ entire life was a model for us to follow in dealing with others. We need to model to our children what God models to us. “He got down on our level, was born a man, and taught us while He modeled for us how to behave. He loved us and sacrificed himself for us. He became a servant for us. He warned us about natural consequences and, when they are not too dangerous, allows us to experience them. Ultimately, He died so that we don’t have to” (Lutton, 2001, p. 26). One specific example of Jesus modeling how to be with each other is when He washed His disciples feet in John 13:1-17. Jesus wanted to model an attitude of servitude as His disciples often argued among themselves about who would be the greatest. But Jesus wanted them to learn how to be humble and serve each other as He knew His time with them was quickly coming to an end. Therefore, He modeled this very important lesson to them, and to us! We must do the same for our children and others. “To teach a child to love God and have Jesus as a friend and a role model in the way He treated people is to give a child a wholly different approach to morality. The child will still value the Commandments, but will now aspire to ideal far beyond the mere minimal requirements of the Commandments” (Whitehurst, 2003, p. 24). Let us be sure that we are consistently modeling God’s love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness to our children starting at birth.
Conclusion
We have seen the difference between authoritative and permissive parenting, and that authoritative parenting is God’s parenting style. We have discussed Proverbs 22:8 and how God wants us to work with our children as we strive to discipline them. God creates us, so even though we all have a sinful nature, He created us to become who He wants us to be In Him. And that we must stop equating discipline with punishment as they are completely different. Finally, God wants us to make it as easy as possible for children to obey us, and that we must model God’s goodness to our children. As we proceed through this series, it is my hope that you will see that, when done consistently, all of these discipline strategies work as well as help to lead children to God instead of away from Him! “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5-6.
References:
Grille, R. (2005). Parenting for a peaceful world. New South Wales, Australia: Longueville Media.
Hammond, R. A. (2009). Respecting babies: A new look at Magda Gerber’s RIE approach. Washington, DC: Zero to Three.
Kuzma, K. (2006). The first 7 years. West Frankfort, IL: Three Angels Broadcasting Network.
Lutton, C. (2001). Biblical parenting. Salt Lake City, UT: Millennial Mind Publishing.
McGrail, J. (2011). Gentle discipline: So what do you do? http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/04/gentle-discipline-so-what-do-you-do/
Nelsen, J., Erwin, C., & Duffy, R. A. (2007). Positive discipline: The first three years. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Santrock, J. (2008). Educational psychology (Illinois version). Boston, MA: The McGraw-Hill Companies.
Sears, W. & Sears, M. (1997). The complete book of Christian parenting and child care. Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers.
Whitehurst, T. (2003). How would Jesus raise your child? Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Rewell.
Discipline without Harm by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.
Samuel Martin has posted an extended excerpt from Chapter 7 of his book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy, in which he looks at Proverbs 23:13-14, “Do not withhold correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”
By the way, someone told me that they were having a problem finding where to purchase Samuel Martin’s book because on Amazon they are charging $90. Well, you may purchase it here for under $11.
Samuel Martin explains why we should consider reading modern translations of the Bible when seeking to understand Proverbs 19:18.
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. (Proverbs 19:18 – King James Version)
Cindy of Under Much Grace looks at Proverbs 20:30, “The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly” and explores What Jesus Said About the “Blueness of the Wound.”
And on a totally unrelated note, I liked what Bob Bixby said about teachers being held accountable for their teachings and not being able to hide behind Matthew 18 when someone speaks out against their teachings. As far as I know, Michael Pearl has never mentioned Matthew 18 in this context, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone were to read what James MacDonald said and apply it to him.
Pearl in Oyster (PIO) adds to her 52 Tool Card series with
52 Tool Cards: Winning Cooperation and
52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Connection Before Correction and Closet Listening.
Note: This is an edited and collated version of a series of posts that I made at Free Jinger in August 2011.
For much of my life, my encounters with U.S. fundamentalist Christianity were sporadic and bewildering. I started digging into the roots of the fundamentalist mindset when I became a homeschooler and a Sunday school teacher. As many of us have discovered, fundamentalism has become prevalent in both fields of endeavor–particularly homeschooling.
Fundamentalism, of course, is not a monolithic entity, but different fundamentalist groups share many common traits. A particularly disturbing common trait is the fundamentalist use of exegesis. In short, it stinks. This incompetence exists right at the foundation: not only in interpretation, but also in basic reading comprehension. This is a disturbing thing to see in groups that insist that they are drawing their inspiration straight from the Bible.
Here is a selection from “The Tenets of Biblical Patriarchy,” which appear at the Vision Forum’s website, visionforumministries.org. I will present items 16 through 21 and examine the verses that the Vision Forum uses to support its declarations. These items cover what the Vision Forum wants parents to do in order to educate their children. I will use my Oxford Study Bible (New English Bible with Apocrypha), which was a gift from the Russian Orthodox seminary where I worked one summer–in other words, from a church with much more experience in the problems of living than the Vision Forum.
Preliminary thoughts: I also use the words “biblical,” “body of Christ,” “community of believers,” and so forth, but I do not mean what the Vision Forum means when they use them. I have at least an elementary grounding in theology, exegesis, and church history, including the great mistakes and failed experiments of various communities of believers. People who are searching for answers and stumble over this stuff without having the tools needed to discern the traps–no wonder they’re taken in.
16. Education is not a neutral enterprise. Christian parents must provide their children with a thoroughly Christian education, one that teaches the Bible and a biblical view of God and the world. Christians should not send their children to public schools since education is not a God-ordained function of civil government and since these schools are sub-Christian at best and anti-Christian at worst. (Deut. 4:9; 6:6-9; Rom. 13:3-5; Eph. 6:4; 2 Tim. 3:15)
17. Fathers are sovereign over the training of their children and, with their wives, are the children’s chief teachers. Christian parents are bound to obey the command personally to walk beside and train their children. Any approach to Christian education ought to recognize and facilitate the role of fathers and mothers as the primary teachers of their children. (Deut. 4:9; 6:6ff.; Ps. 78:3-8; Prov. 1:8; Eph. 6:4; [sic])
First come two short quotations from the same section of Deuteronomy. Deut. 4:9: But take care: keep careful watch on yourselves so that you do not forget the things that you have seen with your own eyes; do not let them pass from your minds as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children’s children. Extracted from the first discourse of Moses, in which he introduces the Law to Israel. Here are verses 7-8: What great nation has a god close at hand as the Lord our God is close to us whenever we call to him? What great nation is there whose statutes and laws are so just, as is all this code of laws which I am setting before you today? (Hint: Who is Moses talking to?) Verses 10 ff. retell the events at Mount Horeb–the story that the Jews are to pass on “to your children and to your children’s children.” But the Vision Forum skips ahead to Deut. 6:6-9: These commandments which I give you this day are to be remembered and taken to heart; repeat them to your children, and speak of them both indoors and out of doors, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them as a sign upon your hand and wear them as a pendant on your forehead; write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates. This passage is from Moses’ second discourse and comes right after the Ten Commandments and the Two Greatest Commandments. Both passages are quoted to support Tenet 16, which begins, “Christian parents must provide their children with a thoroughly Christian education, one that teaches the Bible and a biblical view of God and the world.” So far, so good–if we ignore the assumptions in the rest of Tenet 16.
Rom. 13:3-5: Governments hold no terrors for the law-abiding but only for the criminal. You wish to have no fear of the authorities? Then continue to do right and you will have their approval, for they are God’s agents working for your good. But if you are doing wrong, then you will have cause to fear them; it is not for nothing that they hold the power of the sword, for they are God’s agents of punishment bringing retribution on the offender. That is why you are obliged to submit. It is an obligation imposed not merely by fear of retribution but by conscience. An extract from Paul’s advice to the believers in Rome about how Christians ought to live in the general culture. The passage containing these verses begins, Every person must submit to the authorities in power, for all authority comes from God (13:1). Verse 6 continues the theme by requiring Christians to pay taxes. The Vision Forum cites verses 3-5 to support Tenet 16, which asserts that “education is not a God-ordained function of civil government.” Is the assumption here that because the authorities are referred to as exercising a judicial function, but not an educational function, then the educational function is not their proper sphere? The Bible doesn’t mention governments building roads either; does the Vision Forum tell people not to use public highways?
Eph. 6:4: Fathers, do not goad your children to resentment, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Extracted from Paul’s advice to believers about Christian relationships. Cited to support the Vision Forum’s assertion that education should be “Biblical.” Certainly, but why does this mean that “Christians should not send their children to public schools?” And how can an irreligious subject such as trig be made “Biblical?” Does labeling a textbook “Now With More Bible Verses!”–yes, I have seen this–really turn it into “the discipline and instruction of the Lord?” And why should it be anyway? Is there not a time for every purpose under Heaven?
2 Tim. 3:15: . . . remember that from early childhood you have been familiar with the sacred writings which have power to make you wise and lead you to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Extracted from Paul’s attempt to encourage someone who is facing persecution. Cited by the Vision Forum, once again, to show that all education must be “Biblical” and private. Verses 16-17 explain what the Bible is for (in Paul’s view): All inspired scripture has its use for teaching the truth and refuting error, or for reformation of manners and discipline in right living, so that the man of God may be capable and equipped for good work of every kind. Yes, and public school is for teaching trig. Why does the existence of Biblical education have to obliterate the other kind? The passage continues with a warning against the time when people will not stand sound teaching, but will follow his own whim and gather a crowd of teachers to tickle his fancy. They will stop their ears to the truth and turn to fables. (vv. 3-4) Something else that struck me when I first started looking into fundamentalism was the general denial of the basic tools of thought–logic, debate, fact-checking–as well as the many centuries of sound teaching that have arisen from the use of these tools. I think the common fundamentalist adherence to the King James Version above all others stems from the same source. Refusing to learn how to read the Bible in the original languages, and clinging to a translation so old that many of the words have changed meaning in our own language, enables self-serving preachers to read into the Word of God whatever they wish to see. And they teach others, who believe in good faith, because they have never been given the tools they need to ask the questions that would point out the holes in the foundation.
One more thing: I couldn’t have told you the religion of a single one of my teachers at public school. The question did not come up, ever. My American History and Literature (double period) teacher explained the currents in Christian thought in the U.S. during various periods in history because so many of the authors we studied were writing as Christians and we needed to understand where they were coming from. He did not make value judgments about Christianity, although he expected us to clearly express our own opinions in well-written essays. Not once did I ever hear a word critical of Christianity or supportive of any other religion or of a lack of religion for that matter. Not once in thirteen years.
Ps. 78:3-8, part of the introduction to a historical psalm, alludes to Moses’ instructions to Israel in the two passages from Deuteronomy quoted above. The psalm recounts the Exodus and the unfaithfulness of succeeding generations in the Promised Land. The Vision Forum cites verses 3-8 to support their assertions that “Fathers are sovereign over the training of their children” (what is this obsession with human sovereignty and dominion?) and that “the Bible presents a long-term, multi-generational vision of the progress of God’s kingdom in the world.” In a general sense, this is true–but I do not think those words mean what the Vision Forum thinks they mean. Also, why use a selection from a psalm about backsliding in the Promised Land to support the assertion that “the next generation will build upon the faith and improve upon the faithfulness of their parents?”
Prov. 1:8: Attend, my son, to your father’s instruction, and do not reject your mother’s teaching . . . Extracted from the introduction to the proverbs of Solomon. The Vision Forum stretches this verse to mean that fathers “are sovereign over the training of their children” and that fathers and mothers must be “the primary teachers of their children.” I note that Proverbs is primarily concerned with wisdom, right use of authority, and understanding of human nature. Naturally a child’s parents or other primary caregivers will be that child’s first teachers in wisdom, discernment, and justice. But, again (and again and again), what does this have to do with trig?
18. Educational methodology is not neutral. The Christian should build his educational methodology from the word of God and reject methodologies derived from humanism, evolutionism, and other unbiblical systems of thought. Biblical education is discipleship, a process designed to reach the heart. The aim is a transformed person who exhibits godly character and a trained mind, both of which arise from faith. The parents are crucial and ordinarily irreplaceable in this heart-level, relational process. (Deut. 6:5-7; Lk. 6:40; 1 Thess. 2:7-12; 2 Tim. 1:5; 2 Pet. 1:5-8)
Deut. 6:5-7: . . . and you must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments which I give you this day are to be remembered and taken to heart; repeat them to your children, and speak of them both indoors and out of doors, when you lie down and when you get up. One of the Two Greatest Commandments with part of Moses’ exhortation regarding the Law, previously quoted. From this the Vision Forum makes the assumption that parents are primary in all education (yet again).
Lk. 6:40: No pupil ranks above his teacher; fully trained he can but reach his teacher’s level. This is Jesus explaining one of His own parables (v.39): Can one blind man guide another? Will not both fall into the ditch? The Vision Forum quotes v.40 as if it referred to antagonism between “Biblical education” and “humanism, evolutionism, and other unbiblical systems of thought.” It is certainly arguable that the 19th-century concept of evolutionism (which is not evolutionary theory as a whole) and some of the assorted concepts that have gone by the name humanism since the Renaissance are contrary to the truths expressed in the Bible. It is also arguable that they are not. But not via this verse.
A final thought about “Biblical” vs. “unbiblical” home education: The 19th century Americans who many Vision Forum members and followers venerate depended on books for answers to problems of daily life, such as what to teach to children. They weren’t the books of the Bible. They used books with names like Pleasant Pages and Practical Housekeeping. What verses, if any, these books quoted generally had to do with character. They did not attempt to connect every detail of children’s education to a Bible verse pried out of its place and stretched to fit. Trying to use the Bible as a home cyclopedia is like prying apart a car because you need a part to fix the motor in your blender. The car is supposed to be taking you somewhere.
1 Thess. 2: 7-12: . . . although as Christ’s own envoys we might have made our weight felt; but we were as gentle with you as a nurse caring for her children. Our affection was so deep that we were determined to share with you not only the gospel of God but our very selves; that is how dear you had become to us! You remember, my friends, our toil and drudgery; night and day we worked for a living, rather than be a burden to any of you while we proclaimed to you the good news of God. We call you to witness, yes, and God himself, how devout and just and blameless was our conduct towards you who are believers. As you well know, we dealt with each one of you as a father deals with his children; we appealed to you, we encouraged you, we urged you, to live lives worthy of the God who calls you into his kingdom and glory. Extracted from Paul’s assertions about his and his fellow missionaries’ conduct when they stayed with the believers in Thessalonica. I note two things here. First, Paul holds up as proof of his good intent the fact that he “worked for a living,” which did not involve accepting money from the believers. Second, Paul assumed certain things about the conduct of parents. A woman caring for her children is “gentle;” a father (tenses changed) “appeals,” “encourages,” and “urges” his children toward the right way. The Vision Forum, typically, cites this passage to support their assumptions about “educational methodology.” Are they gentle? Do they appeal, encourage, and urge children toward the right way? What happens to people raised in VF families who refuse to fall into their assigned places in their parents’ multi-generational vision?
More on conduct of parents toward children when I finally get to the citations from Proverbs.
2 Tim. 1:5: I am reminded of the sincerity of your faith, a faith which was alive in Lois your grandmother and Eunice your mother before you, and which, I am confident, now lives in you. Paul to Timothy again, this time from the beginning of the letter about bearing up in times of persecution. From this verse the Vision Forum extracts the idea that “Biblical education is discipleship.” Once again, the words are true according to general understanding, but the Vision Forum applies them in a highly specific way that requires following a lot of assumptions down a rabbit hole. This verse is a good jumping-off point for unpacking the Vision Forum’s own words.
“Biblical education is discipleship.” Teachers described in various books of the Bible did take disciples. Discipleship is a closer relationship than studenthood: almost familial. However, what the Vision Forum calls “Biblical education” is not the kind of education described in the Bible and their vision of discipleship is something else as well. “A process designed to reach the heart.” Hopefully, if the teacher loves his or her subject, the disciple will come to understand that love even if he or she doesn’t share it; however, “reaching the heart” has a different emotional weight in Vision Forum literature, more like “eliciting compliance.”
“The aim is a transformed person who exhibits godly character.” Paul emphasizes character formation in the other passage from this letter quoted here, but not transformation. Transformation comes through repentance, not through a course of study. And in order to be transformed by any means, a person has to have been formed in the first place. Speaking of transformation in children is–well, it’s of a piece with the adversarial, punitive, coercive, intrusive, and blasphemous child training methods embraced by fundamentalists, in my opinion. Instead of adults repenting and being transformed, children are the targets of transformation and by implication the reservoirs of sin. More on the blasphemousness of this in a moment.
“And a trained mind.” Using the Bible as a mental training handbook leads one back to the metaphor of ripping apart a car in order to fix a blender. Courses in logic train the mind. Playing Lotto trains the mind. Using the Bible as a mental training handbook is aiming too low. In any case, using the Bible as a set of thought-stoppers is closer to what fundamentalists do with it: training the mind to stay quietly on its blanket, never exploring the living world beyond the arbitrary boundary.
“Which arise from faith.” Faith and reason share a common kingdom, but strike out for different borders. Faith is for the things that reason cannot parse; the trained mind still has limits. On the other hand, what reason can comprehend must be the domain of reason. Even untrained, stunted reason balks at being asked to accept what it can disprove. Forcing the issue–demanding that reason be subordinated to faith in its own province–produces cognitive dissonance. Or, without the psychological jargon, it messes up a person’s head. Unfortunately, this is a common outcome of making a child’s entire education into a faith issue, at least judging from the accounts of ex-fundamentalists.
“The parents are crucial.” Yes, every child needs parents–born, chosen, whatever.
“And ordinarily irreplaceable.” I hope not because otherwise people who lose their parents are pretty much out of–
“In this heart-level, relational process.” Stop!
“This heart-level, relational process” whose aim is “a transformed person” is not the business of human beings. It cannot be diagnosed by watching for a predefined exhibition of “godly character.” It is “a heart-level, relational process” in the control of the only One who can see into individual hearts. We can place our children in the midst of knowledge; we can appeal, encourage, and urge. We cannot reach into their hearts and transform them. We cannot put ourselves into the place of God Almighty. To believe otherwise is blasphemy.
Make disciples of our children? I certainly hope so. Train their minds? Absolutely; God gave us reason, so we should make good use of it. Teach them Scripture? Yes, of course. But that is as far as we can go. No “educational methodology” can assure us that they will always make the right choices. No amount of repetition of verses can assure “godly character.” We can train children to exhibit the right responses on demand; we can stunt their ability to think so that they don’t ask the wrong questions: we can render our children rootbound, try to clip the wings of their souls to keep them in the places we assign. Or we can trust God to do what is not possible for human beings and keep in mind that nobody else’s heart is within our dominion.
Onward! This has been quite a slog for me, so thanks to everyone who has kept reading.
2 Pet. 1:5-8: With all this in view, you should make every effort to add virtue to your faith, knowledge to virtue, self-control to knowledge, fortitude to self-control, piety to fortitude, brotherly affection to piety, and love to brotherly affection. If you possess and develop these gifts, you will grow actively and effectively in knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. Extracted from a discussion about how Christians ought to live while awaiting Christ’s return. “All this” is the gifts and promises of God. Once again, discussion of spiritual renewal among adults is enslaved to discussion of “educational methodology” and the “transformation” of children who do not get to consent.
So much for educational methodology. Now for the educational mandate.
19. Since the educational mandate belongs to parents and they are commanded personally to walk beside and train their children, they ought not to transfer responsibility for the educational process to others. However, they have the liberty to delegate components of that process. While they should exercise great caution and reserve in doing this, and the more so the less mature the child, it is prudent to take advantage of the diversity of gifts within the body of Christ and enjoy the help and support that comes with being part of a larger community with a common purpose. (1 Cor. 12:14ff.; Gal. 4:1,2; 6:2; Eph. 4:16)
20. The age-integrated communities of family and church are the God-ordained institutions for training and socialization and as such provide the preferred pattern for social life and educational endeavors. The modern preference for grouping children exclusively with their age mates for educational and social purposes is contrary to scriptural wisdom and example. (Deut. 29:10-11; 2 Chron. 20:13; Prov. 22:15 with 13:20; Joel 2:16; 1 Cor. 15:33)
21. The Bible presents a long-term, multi-generational vision of the progress of God’s kingdom in the world. Christian parents need to adopt this perspective and be motivated by the generational promises of Scripture, and church shepherds need to promote this outlook within their flocks. By the grace of God, as fathers faithfully turn their hearts toward their sons and daughters and the youths respond in kind, the next generation will build upon the faith and improve upon the faithfulness of their parents. (Ps. 78:1-8; Is. 59:21; Mal. 4:6; Lk. 1:17; Gal. 6:9)
1 Cor. 12:14ff.: Selected from a discourse by Paul about spiritual gifts. The Vision Forum quote actually starts in the middle of the discourse, but Paul tends to repeat himself, so I will begin at verse 14 as well.
A body is not a single organ, but many. Suppose the foot were to say, “Because I am a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it belongs to the body none the less. Suppose the ear were to say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it still belongs to the body. If the body were all eye, how could it hear? If the body were all ear, how could it smell? But, in fact, God appointed each limb and organ to its own place in the body as he chose. If the whole were a single organ, there would not be a body at all; in fact, however, there are many different organs, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I do not need you,” or the head to the feet, “I do not need you.” Quite the contrary: those parts of the body which seem to be more frail than others are indispensable, and those parts of the body which we regard as less honorable are treated with special honor. The parts we are modest about are treated with special respect, whereas our respectable parts have no such need. But God has combined the various parts of the body, giving special honor to the humbler parts, so that there might be no division in the body, but that all its parts might feel the same concern for one another. If one part suffers, all suffer together; if one flourishes, all rejoice together.
Now you are Christ’s body, and each of you a limb or organ of it. Within our community God has appointed in the first place apostles, in the second place prophets, thirdly teachers; then miracle-workers, then those who have gifts of healing, or ability to help others or power to guide them, or the gift of tongues of various kinds. Are all apostles? All prophets? All teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues of ecstasy? Do all have the power to interpret them?
The higher gifts are the ones you should prize. But I can show you an even better way.
Paul then goes on to assert that no spiritual gift or deed of charity means anything if exercised without love and moves into a discussion about love itself–the one that begins “Love is patient, love is kind.”
The Vision Forum uses this meditation on the nature of Christian community to allow parents an out from its previously declared “educational mandate.” Parents can “delegate” teaching to other people, but they are to make sure that any teachers besides themselves are Christian. First of all, does Paul actually say anything about an educational mandate? I note that he recognizes the gift of teaching in some, not in all, and furthermore he has no problem with that. He does not say that the people who can teach are all parents of school-age children or that all parents of school-age children can or must be teachers. It is likely that he is speaking specifically of the gift of teaching religion, but since the Vision Forum treats all education as if it were religious education, my point stands.
As for requiring all teachers to be Christian regardless of topic, Paul never speaks of it. Paul quotes from at least one pagan poet in support of his arguments about conduct (more on this later). If he values pagan teaching about conduct, what does this imply? If we are to quote Paul, perhaps we should pay attention to what Paul is actually saying. And if we don’t want to use Paul’s words in support of religious tests for schoolteachers, we’re stuck; no other writer of the New Testament comes even this close to the topic. Or perhaps we could exercise discernment instead of trying to use the Bible as a home cyclopedia. And discernment begins with the evidence of the senses.
I already wrote about my experiences with criticism of Christianity in thirteen years of public school. In short, there was none; in fact we explored Christianity in order to better understand Christian writers. Along the way we discussed honor, self-sacrifice, charity, mercy, and many other virtues. But of course, that isn’t enough to satisfy critics who write about parents’ “liberty” to be anxious about the religious background of public school teachers. When I read the Vision Forum’s dire warnings about what could happen if parents send their children to public school, I am reminded of what Father Andrew Greeley says about certain Catholics of his acquaintance. In paraphrase: They only recognize as truth certain things said in a certain exact way. Say the same thing in a different way and it’s just meaningless mouth noise at best and anti-Christian at worst. Discernment is reduced to running down a checklist of shibboleths.
I have taken a good long look at what the Vision Forum defines as Christian and I don’t think it has anything to do with growing into the measure of the fullness of the stature of Christ. It has more to do with the bed of Procrustes, or that horrible lying fable about breaking the lamb’s leg. I may be straying, but at least I’m not crippled in the name of God.
Gal. 4:1,2: This is what I mean: so long as the heir is a minor, he is no better off than a slave, even though the whole estate is his; he is subject to guardians and trustees until the date set by his father. Extracted from Paul on life under the Law vs. life in the grace of Christ. The Vision Forum quotes this as if it were a support of the educational mandate. But it describes Paul’s opinion of life without grace.
Gal. 6:2: Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ. From another discourse in Paul’s letter to the churches in Galatia, this one about living under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. For once the Vision Forum gets it right. “The help and support that comes with being part of a larger community with a common purpose” is part of the Godly life and this quotation supports that assertion. But this doesn’t have anything to do with who is supposed to teach reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic.
Eph. 4:16: . . . and on him the whole body depends. Bonded and held together by every constituent joint, the whole frame grows through the proper functioning of each part, and builds itself up in love. Paul really likes the theme of the Church as the body of Christ; this extract is part of a discourse on how Christians should treat one another. Here is the rest of the broken sentence and the one to which it refers (verses 14-15): We are no longer to be children, tossed about by the waves and whirled around by every fresh gust of teaching, dupes of cunning rogues and their deceitful schemes. Rather we are to maintain the truth in a spirit of love; so shall we fully grow up into Christ. He is the head . . . Let the one who has ears, hear.
Next we come to a set of verses that illustrate two persistent shortcomings of the Vision Forum’s treatment of the Bible: confusing description with prescription and confusing situational with universal.
Deut. 29:10-11, 2 Chron. 20:13, and Joel 2:16 all refer to the whole people of Israel gathering together: all ages, both genders, and all walks of life. In Deuteronomy, Moses is making a speech to the people who he sees standing before him, ready to receive God’s covenant. In 2 Chronicles, King Jehoshaphat is leading “the people of Judah and Jerusalem” in prayer at the Temple on the eve of battle. The passage in Joel refers to the community’s response to a plague of locusts, which is interpreted as the wrath of God; they gather together to pray, fast, weep, and repent of sin. From these verses the Vision Forum argues that “The age-integrated communities of family and church are the God-ordained institutions for training and socialization” and that these descriptions of community assemblies are “a multi-generational vision of the progress of God’s kingdom in the world.” I would argue rather that these verses illustrate how people have always sought one another’s company when something that affected the whole community was happening–but I didn’t buy my glasses from the Vision Forum.
I took the preceding three verses out of the sequence in which the Vision Forum presents them because they go together, but also because a verse in the middle of the sequence really should be considered separately. This is one of the so-called rod verses in Proverbs.
So, the next verses cited are Proverbs 22:15 “with 13:20.” Proverbs is generally accepted in mainstream churches as a collection of pragmatic observations about human nature combined with meditation on how to be the best people we can be. Proverbs 22:15, in the translation I am using, reads, Folly is deep-rooted in the hearts of children; a good beating will drive it out of them. This is one of the (in)famous “rod verses,” which are cited in support of hitting children. (I know that there are various euphemisms applied to hitting children. But I prefer to call a spade a spade.) Hitting children is supposed to make them wiser, better people, child training experts say, pointing to this verse.
Wait a minute. Even we wishy-washy context-citing types accept that the Bible expresses unified themes about God, humanity, and so forth. So why is Paul, who knows the Hebrew Bible inside and out, talking about mothers treating children gently and fathers encouraging and urging children toward the truth? Why does he warn against provoking children to resentment? Why does Jesus Himself threaten dire consequences to whoever makes a little child “stumble?” And if childhood is supposed to be a faulty state out of which one must be beaten, why does Jesus say that believers must “become as little children” in order to enter the Kingdom? Even Paul, when he speaks of childhood as lacking, portrays leaving childhood as a process of growth: “putting away childish things” when one becomes an adult, not before.
Historically, apparent contradictions within the Bible have been resolved in several ways:
1. Declaring an entire book noncanonical–the fate of the Gnostic Gospels.
2. Accepting that the Bible is the human record of divine revelation and as such also a reflection of the flawed humanity of its writers.
3. Rechecking the translation.
4. Living with cognitive dissonance and trying not to think about it.
Some authorities have chosen option 2 when dealing with dissonant values expressed in Proverbs and elsewhere in the Bible. I accepted this until I ran across an analysis of the original Hebrew here. In short, the verse should read (paraphrase): Behaving as if one didn’t know any better when one actually does is a failure of adults, not children; disciplining children keeps this failure from becoming active in their hearts. IOW, discipline your children–make disciples of them, teach them–before they are old enough to get into serious spiritual trouble and they will not become “fools.” Applying this verse as if children are already “fools” and beating will make them wise amounts to reading things into the Bible that are not there. There is a long tradition in Western culture of violence toward those under our authority, with special cruelty reserved for children (see For Your Own Good by Alice Miller). Trying to find justification for a bad tradition in our holy book is a natural failing, but a failing nonetheless.
The verse that is taken “with” the above, 13:20, reads, Walk with the wise and learn wisdom; mix with the stupid and come to harm. Once again, advice to adults is applied to children, this time to denigrate the practice of putting children in classes with their agemates “contrary to scriptural wisdom and example.” Educator Charlotte Mason also spoke against the practice of grouping children by calendar age, but on the grounds that children who are the same in age are not necessarily the same in ability or in needs, and also that they will not be mixing exclusively with their agemates as adults, which defeats the purpose of school as preparation for capable adulthood. Note that although she had the Bible read in her schools regularly (KJV even!), she did not feel the need to drag a misapplied Bible verse into her argument–and she did not justify her opinion by calling children stupid. It is possible to reach the same conclusion by charitable and uncharitable means. We are to choose charity.
1 Cor. 15:33: Make no mistake: “Bad company ruins good character.” Paul again, quoting the Greek poet Menander–a pagan–although he does not bother to note this in his letter, as if it weren’t an issue. What’s more, he is quoting Menander in support of an argument about Christian conduct, specifically not associating with people who say that there is no resurrection of the dead. The Vision Forum quotes this pagan poet in support of keeping children out of age-graded classrooms. Children are stupid, children are bad company, children are fools . . . I sense a theme.
Now, and last, we turn to the “multi-generational vision of the progress of God’s kingdom in the world” that the Bible is supposed to present. First the Vision Forum cites the beginning of Psalm 78 again. As I wrote above, this is a historical psalm about the Exodus and backsliding among the descendants of those who attained the Promised Land. The psalmist alludes to Moses’ charge to the witnesses at Mount Horeb, to pass on the stories of the events that formed Israel into a nation. Indeed, any culture is founded on the stories people tell. This particular story, however, is not exactly about “the next generation [building] upon the faith and [improving] upon the faithfulness of their parents.” The Bible was divided into chapters and verses relatively recently, purely as a navigational aid. Analyzing verses in isolation puts us in the same predicament as the fabled blind men trying to describe an elephant.
Isaiah 59:21: This, says the Lord, is my covenant, which I make with them: My spirit which rests on you and my words which I have put into your mouth will never fail you from generation to generation of your descendants from now on, for evermore. The Lord has said it. The editors of this Bible translation suggest that Isaiah 59 really is a discrete unit (this isn’t always the case with Bible chapters!) that amounts to a liturgy of repentance. Verse 21 is the very end, the closing benediction. The initial call for repentance (verses 1-15) paints a picture of a wholly corrupt society: Your hands are stained with blood and your fingers with crime . . . no one sues with just cause, no one makes an honest plea in court . . . their schemes are harmful and leave a trail of havoc and ruin . . . all the ways they choose to walk are crooked; no one who walks in them feels safe . . . we have relapsed and forsaken our God; we have conceived lies in our hearts and repeated them in slanderous and treacherous words. The overarching theme is that the people do not act with justice and so no justice comes to them. Again, this is hardly about a “multi-generational vision” of each generation perfecting the next.
Malachi 4:6: He will reconcile parents to their children and children to their parents, lest I come and put the land under a ban to destroy it. ”He” is the prophet Elijah, who is prophesied to return, and the speaker is the Lord. This is the last line of the prophecy of Malachi regarding the struggle that stands before the people who have returned from Babylonian captivity. No longer able to define themselves as a people with a monarch, they must learn how to define themselves by the word of God as passed down to them in Scripture. Malachi also looks for a coming day of judgment. Lk. 1:17 alludes to Malachi’s prophecy of the return of Elijah. An angel is speaking to Zechariah about the impending birth of his son John: He will go before him as forerunner, possessed by the spirit and power of Elijah, to reconcile father and child, to convert the rebellious to the ways of the righteous, to prepare a people that shall be fit for the Lord. Both verses are cited to support the triumphalist “multi-generational vision,” but the passages they come from describe a people in need of renewal.
And here we are at the end. The Vision Forum quotes once again from a discourse on Christian life in Paul’s letter to the Galatians. I will quote the entire passage, Gal. 2:7-10, which is the end of an appeal for mutual charity and generosity. The snippet the Vision Forum uses to support its multi-generational vision is set off in boldface. Make no mistake about this: God is not to be fooled; everyone reaps what he sows. If he sows in the field of his unspiritual nature, he will reap from it a harvest of corruption; but if he sows in the field of the Spirit, he will reap from it a harvest of eternal life. Let us never tire of doing good, for if we do not slacken our efforts we shall in due time reap our harvest. Therefore, as opportunity offers, let us work for the good of all, especially members of the household of the faith. Paul earlier (5:22-23) describes the harvest of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, fidelity, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
This is what Paul exhorts the people to work for. What does the Vision Forum say it wants? It wants “the generational promises of Scripture.” But the passages it cites to prove that there are such “generational promises” turn out to be about promises to Israel conditional upon keeping the Law–the whole Law, not just the bits modern fundamentalists favor–calls for repentance and renewal, simple description of a past event, or advice about living with other people. What do the cited passages actually say about teaching children? They say to discipline our children–that is, to treat them like disciples. They talk about being gentle with children, urging them toward the right way, and telling them good stories. Not about improving them in some kind of spiritual eugenics program. We each answer to God for our own actions. Not for the actions of our parents. Not for the actions of our children.
Thanks for reading.
Cindy of Under Much Grace reports on a Lutheran church in La Habra, California which reportedly had a man assigned to the task of disciplining teenaged boys with a metal rod. This is the first time I have heard of a church Taking The Rod Verses Literally. Well, maybe not exactly literally, as the rod was too small and made of the wrong substance, but more literal than most. I suppose they perceive that they are being persecuted for the sake of righteousness. I wonder if they also stone adulteresses and blasphemers. I think that they need to focus more on the message of the New Testament.
Little Hearts Gentle Parenting Resources has a post explaining how we should interpret the 5 Rod verses in Proverbs in light of the New Testament: Spare The Rod: The Heart of the Matter.
Just A Sore Thumb was having similar thoughts when he wrote, Spared Rods.
Teresa from Teresa’s Whine And Cheese takes a good look at claims that Kids Today Are Worse Then they Used To Be in Correlation, causation, and the proof in the pudding.
Pastor Tim of Way Point Church discusses discerning the Biblical view in Biblical Christianity in which he states “[The Pearls'] claim to have a biblical view on parenting is delusional.”
Samuel Martin looks how Christian Scholars and Preachers Disagree on Spanking Children and explains what the commonly used verses in Proverbs are really saying.
And here is a bonus link. While completely off topic for this blog, I found this video interesting. Someone took an informal poll at a college campus asking the question, “Can Men And Women Be Just Friends?“ The answers might surprise you.
Mark Brown has posted a video on YouTube called, Is it ok to spank your child? What does the Bible say? He takes a close look at Proverbs 13:24 and explores whether he should spank his child. He concludes that he should not which got him a lot if very negative comments.
Elizabeth Esther will be appearing on Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show (on FOX) with Michael Pearl this Friday (Dec 2, 2011) and she writes about it here, My appearance on Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show airs this Friday, Dec. 2nd #NoMoreDeadKids. She includes a link to find out where and when you can watch it in your area. And here is a promo for the show.
Here is another recent post where she explains why many people follow Pearls’ teachings: Seductive promise of perfectly happy, obedient children feeds abuse.
The Hippie Housewife looks at The Rod Verses in a 3 part series which I highly recommend:
Also, Theology Today explains the Rod Verses in Spanking Hurts Everybody By Robert R. Gillogly
Rachel Stone of Christianity Today takes a close look at To Train Up A Child in When Child Discipline Becomes Abuse. I notice that she linked to my blog which I much appreciate. She obviously read TTUAC with a critical eye and really “gets it.”
Samuel Martin has a new post called, I was wrong and how I intend to make it right: A tested Biblical methodology for addressing traditions and false teachings in Christianity.
Speaking of Samuel Martin, he is giving away 2 free books. Here is the info:
Dear friends,
I am delighted to continue endorsing strongly Professor William Webb’s book. I can’t recommend it enough.
Here is where you can get your copy – http://www.ivpress.com/cgi-ivpress/book.pl/toc/code=2761
So, I am pleased to announce that I am giving a copy of this book away. This is the first book I’ve ever given away on my blog and I am pleased that it is this book.
To win this book, all you have to do send me an email (your email address will be kept confidential not to be shared with anyone) with your first and last name to info@biblechild.com answering the following three questions:
1. I have read your book “Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy – YES or NO
2. I have read Professor Webb’s book – YES or NO
3. Pick one of the following:
A. If I don’t win the Webb book, I am planning to buy it.
B. I have already bought the Webb book and plan to give away the book if I win it.
C. I have not yet purchased the book by Prof. Webb.
So that is all there is to it. Except for one other thing.
The first name drawn will win the Webb book. Then, I will be drawing another name. The first name that I draw thereafter who answers the question “I have read your book “Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy” with a “NO”, will win a free autographed copy of my book.
I look forward to hear from you very soon. This drawing ends 23:59AM Jerusalem time on November 1.
Samuel Martin
Website: www.biblechild.com
Email: info@biblechild.com
Dara Stoltzfus has a Post on The Mule where she describes why she gave up spanking.
Here are some very interesting posts from her blog, I Was Just Thinking:
Drawing the line between “spanking” and “abuse”
The Strength of Your Child’s Will!
“The Rod” as an instrument of protection
Easy Self-Test about “the use of the Biblical rod”
Na’ar in Proverbs…what kind of child are parents to strike?
On the other hand, just read all her posts about spanking. 
Bible Scholar, Samuel Martin explains why he believes that Amazon should stop selling To Train Up A Child. Please sign the petition, the link is in my sidebar.
And here are 2 posts about why the Pearls’ teachings are not Biblical:
Laura Ziesel shares an in depth study of Proverbs 22:6 in Train up a Child in Whose Way?
Samuel Martin shares a statement from Prof. William Webb responding to Hana’s death called, The Pearl’s Beatings Are Not Really Biblical which I am posting in its entirety below at his request.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
The Newsletter of the
“New Foundation for Biblical Research.”
A project of the Century One Foundation, Inc. (www.centuryone.org)© Samuel MartinSamuel Martin – Project Director – www.biblechild.comEmail: info@biblechild.comOctober 2011
Religious scholars speaking out against the teachings of Michael and Debi PearlMany of you may have by now heard about Hana-Grace Rose Williams, who died in May at the tender age of 13. See the details of her story here and how Michael and Debi Pearl’s book “To Train Up A Child” is yet again being implicated in this horrifying case. http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2016361753_hana30m.htmlWhen I saw this, I postponed what I had planned to publish this month and I immediately started writing to a number of religious scholars that I know asking them to speak out on this outrageous, unacceptable and evil publication. Thankfully, my call has immediately been answered by Prof, William Webb of Tyndale Seminary, Toronto, Canada. I know that I will be hearing from other religious scholars very soon and I will be sharing more testimonies and comments from them as I receive them. We need to hear these voices now.Many of you know that I have strongly endorsed Prof. Webb’s book in this newsletter (July 2011 Newsletter). Today, I am herein once again not only endorsing this book, but I am asking you to support this book to ensure that it obtains the widest possible reading, attention and exposure. Rather than telling you what Prof. Webb told me, I am herein including a written communication from him that I received just this morning. The following is a direct quote from Prof. Webb and is used with his permission.THE PEARL’S BEATINGS ARE NOT REALLY BIBLICAL“Although they will tell you it is from the Bible, the Pearl’s version of child discipline is not really biblical. Not in the truest sense. Not in the deepest sense of what should shape biblical authority. Not in a way that honors the Bible’s underlying redemptive spirit. It is utterly heart breaking to watch “Christian materials” written by Michael and Debi Pearl become part of the murder investigations in three separate cases where so-called Christian parents allegedly abused their children in life-threatening and life-ending ways. I am stunned and appalled by what I have seen on CNN, King5 News, etc.Unfortunately, Christians often get stuck in their ability to apply the Bible in today’s world. It is my hope that my recent book (Corporal Punishment in the Bible: A Redemptive-Movement Hermeneutic for Troubling Texts) will inspire hope and positive dialogue that helps the Christian community move towards something better for our children. The book outlines how Marilyn (my wife) and I changed our minds about spanking. Like the Pearls we were severely deluded in thinking that the rod was God’s way. But over time we learned how to read and understand the Bible differently. We also learned a truck-load of non-corporal methods of discipline which were far more weighty and effective than the Dobson version (2 smacks max) and certainly better than the abusive Pearl prescription (many beatings with the rod). Like the slavery texts of Scripture, the answer is not simply in moving towards a better form of slavery. That only captures part of Scripture’s redemptive spirit. The Dobson approach is to be commended because they move away from the Pearl-type literalism. But, that is not where biblical application should stop. Like the slavery issue of past days, we need to move beyond a gentler, kinder form of slavery/corporal punishment. Two smacks max is good but it does not reflect an ultimate ethical application of the Bible. As with slavery, only abolitionism (of the rod) will permit Christians to fully embrace effective non-corporal methods and do the courageous, William Wilberforce action in this hour of time. I pray that contemporary followers of Jesus might be known as those who want to live out the very highest ethical application of Scripture. What the Pearls offer is nothing other than “gutter theology”; it is not really the Bible at all . . . well, not if we want to live out Scripture’s redemptive heartbeat.” Dr. William J. Webb is Adjunct Professor of New Testament at Tyndale Seminary, Toronto, Canada. (Quotation from Prof. Webb ends here.)Brethren, now is the time for all of us to take action to work to stop what is happening today to children at the hands of dear misguided parents/others who think they are doing God’s will.First, I am asking you to take this newsletter and the exact comments of Prof. Webb and post them to your blogs, pass them to your networks, put them on your FACEBOOK pages and disseminate his above referenced quotation as far and as wide as you can. For more links, reviews and other information about Professor Webb and his book see: http://redemptivechristianity.com & http://www.ivpress.com/cgi-ivpress/book.pl/review/code=2761. Please include these in your posts.Second, I am asking you to please buy his book. Get your copy here – https://shop.ivpress.com/epages/IVP.storefront/en/addtobasket/0-8308-2761-7Third, I am asking you to write positive reviews of this book in any forum that you come across including but not limited to Amazon, news sites and other book related sites and blogs.Fourth, I am also you to join me in applauding and supporting InterVarsity Press (www.ivpress.com) for publishing such courageous and careful scholarship. They need to know that we are watching and supporting Christian publishers who stand up for what is right. Please join me in doing this by writing/emailing them or leaving comments on their site.I would like to thank Prof. Webb for standing up and letting his voice be heard through this newsletter at this difficult time. His message is an important one. His work is really an inspiration for those of us who are looking for truth. I am reminded of a quotation from a giant of Biblical scholarship who was a friend of my late father and I think it is appropriate to reference it here. “…we must bear in mind that the cause of learning has often been promoted by scholars who are prepared to take a risk and expose their brain-waves to the pitiless criticisms of others” (F.F.Bruce, “Modern Studies on the Judean Scrolls,” CT, I (11):5).Prof. Webb, thank you for your courage, risk taking, intellectual honesty and standing up and speaking out for the truths of the Holy Scripture. I look forward to supporting you and your work for many years to come.Samuel Martin – www.biblechild.com – info@biblechild.comPosted by Samuel Martin at 1:31 PM
I came across 2 Christian bloggers who very eloquently explain why they don’t spank.
Spanking…..The Post I Finally Had to Write and Spare the Rod: What Spanking Teaches Children by Amanda at Not Just Cute
To spank or not to spank? by Raqual at Connected Christian Mom
Here is a link to Ted Hildebrant’s article in the Grace Theological Journal 9.1 (1988) 3-19, Proverbs 22:6a; To Train Up A Child? which analyses what “To Train Up A Child” really means.
Here is a short quote from the intro:
Careful consideration of lexical and contextual factors suggests that “train up a child in the way he should go” needs to be reexamined. The verb “to train” really refers to a bestowal of status and responsibility. The noun translated “child” denotes the status of a late adolescent rather than a child. “In the way he should go” is best understood as “according to what is expected.” The original intent then of this verse addresses a late adolescent’s entrance into his place in adult society.
As he did not study the word for Rod, this article does not change his ideas about spanking. He does, however, come to the conclusion that the verse does not advocate early childhood training. He also reminds us that it is a Proverb, not a promise, which is something to keep in mind.
His final conclusion is this:
The parent must not violate the adolescent’s personhood by authoritarian domination, permissive allowance of immaturity, or overprotection from the consequences of his actions.
I must make note of the fact that his Hebrew words were transliterated Right to Left so that they read, “backwards” for us. If you want to read a better version of this article, you may read it here, but you will have to subscribe to the site first.
“I Was Just Thinking…” blog looks at Na’ar in Proverbs…what kind of child are parents to strike?
Here are more of her thoughts about spanking.
pFamilyGal considers the question of whether it is right for Christians to condemn the Pearls’ teachings in Called to Judge.
Pearl In Oyster (PIO) responds to her critics in More Thoughts on Biblical Parenting where she discusses Divine Punishment vs. Grace, Spanking for Danger Situations and the Rod Verses.
Dulce de Leche has finally posted part 2 of her book review of Samuel Martin’s book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me where she discusses the content of the book chapter by chapter.
Pearl in Oyster has a post examining what the Bible says about how to respond to false teachers in A Stand For Truth.
If false teachers are to be treated kindly and patiently and instructed gently, how much more should I be kind, patient and gentle with my child? If it’s God’s job to change the hearts of false teachers, then it stands to reason that it is God’s job to change my child’s heart.
Lucy tells us how she gently parents her teenager at Dare to Disciple.
Along similar lines, Virginia Is For Mothers has written a post about using Calm Words with our children rather than yelling and/or scolding. This is a good reminder for all of us.
Meanwhile, Under Much Grace continues with her series analyzing the Schatz Tragedy. It occurs to me that this series should probably be read by the Schatzes defense attorneys.
Ordained Minister( and Parenting and Relationship expert) Thomas Haller has written an article with Chick Moorman called, Biblical Perspectives on Spanking in which they take a closer look at the typical verses which are considered to command parents to spank.
Samuel Martin’s book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me, also studies those verses, as well as Jewish attitudes towards children in Biblical times. Brenda King of Positively Feminine has a book review of his book and is also offering a chance to win a free copy of it.
In other news, I have updated yesterday’s post with part III of the series.
Deb has posted the 3rd and final part of her review of Michael Pearl’s book, To Train Up A Child. In this post she looks at how Pearl prevented “sissies” and trained his children to always be happy. She also looks at what he teaches about the rod. She says that what Pearl teaches about persistence bothered her the most. I totally understand that. It is exactly this emphasis on persistence which I suspect killed Lydia Schatz.
For your convenience, here are Part 1 and Part 2 and here is the Intro.
Discipleship Parenting has started a series of Biblical evidence against spanking in, Rightly Dividing the Word: A Study of “Spanking” Scriptures.
She has also posted 2 addendums to her Letters to Dobson:
Addendum to “Grace”
Handling Disputes Biblically
In my quest for further understanding as to why so many Christians (and non-Christians, though I am mainly looking at Christians for this study) are adamant pro-spankers, I have begun a journey into some of the darker history of Christianity and the harsh treatment of children starting as young as infancy. My purpose in doing this study is to uncover some of the main Christian advocates of harsh treatment of children in order to show that spanking came from man and not from God as so many truly believe.
Sadly, as I pointed out in Part 7 of my “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, brutality of children can be traced back to Biblical times which is why Jesus radicalized the way He wanted society to view and treat children. Despite Jesus placing such a high value on children and never once advising the people to harshly punish young children when He had ample opportunity to do so, Christians have, for centuries, used the Holy Bible to advocate and justify spanking and abusing young children. For some unknown reason, at least to me as of now, physical punishment runs deep within the roots of Christianity, especially within the sects of the Protestants, Fundamentalists, and Evangelicals. It is important for me to note here that I proudly consider myself an Evangelical Christian and have always taken the Bible quite literally. It appears to me as I continue my study of God’s Word and the history of this subject that pro-spankers seem to focus more of their attention on the God of the Old Testament. Yes, God is the same today, tomorrow, and forever (See James 1:17 & Malachi 3:6a). However, the God of the Old Testament was quite harsh at times in His righteous anger allowing men, women, and children to be killed because of their sins against Him. But, as I point out in Part 8 of my series, “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” we also see God’s grace and love for His people. The minute His people cried out to Him in the Old Testament, God forgave them and had mercy on them. “So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty” Malachi 3:6b-7. With the coming of Jesus Christ, God allowed His grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness to be much more accessible and evident to mankind. Through Jesus, we can now have a very personal relationship with the God of the Old Testament.
As I have been pointing out throughout the “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” series, Christians, as well as the secular culture, use primarily the Old Testament to justify the use of physical punishment with children—especially the book of Proverbs. In fact, the main saying that Christians and non-Christians use to justify and advocate spanking is “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” While this saying sounds very much like a Proverb out of the Bible as many people believe, it is not from the Bible whatsoever! So, where does this saying come from? According to scholar, Philip Greven (1992), “The aphorism is from Samuel Butler’s poem ‘Hudibras’ (1664). See Ian Gibson, The English Vice: Beating, Sex and Shame in Victorian England and After (London: Dukworth, 1978), p. 49” (p. 227). The saying has absolutely nothing to do with God’s Word; it only sounds as if it does.
It is concerning that when Christians choose to focus primarily on one aspect of God—His harshness—some Christians have even questioned whether He applied harsh punishment to His own Son. This would basically be saying that God killed Jesus which is only partial truth and leaves out crucial information regarding Christ’s sufferings and death. This feels dangerous to me! It must be pointed out that while Jesus was God’s only begotten Son (John 3:16), Jesus was also God Himself (Philippians 2:6a; John 8:58; Revelation 22:13), and chose to suffer and die on the cross for us (Philippians 2:8; John 10:11; Matthew 26:38-39)! Yet, many Christians continue to only look at the harshness of God instead of looking at all His aspects which reveal His True Identity as I have just pointed out. Jonathan Edwards, an eighteenth century American theologian, chose to focus much of his attention on the harshness of God depicted in the Old Testament. Because of this viewpoint, he “believed that the Crucifixion ‘was willed and ordered by God,’ a condition that made ‘one of the most heinous things that ever was done’ by men, ‘one of the most horrid acts,’ into ‘the most admirable and glorious of all events.’ For Edwards, at least, ‘the crucifixion of Christ was not evil, but good.’ This argument, however, implies that God the Father was directly responsible for the death of his only earthly son” (Greven, 1992, p. 50). That is simply preposturous as while God allowed the crucifixion and death to happen, He did not bring it on Himself. It was brought on by the hands of men. This is sad because people who focus on the harshness of Gods seem to lose sight of who God is! After all, the Bible couldn’t have made it any more clearer exactly who God is. “God is love” 1st John 4:16. It is clear from the following Bible passage that God didn’t harshly punish His Son. There was no reason to. God loved us so much that He chose to do something so major in order to make it easy for us to be reconciled to Him and have an intimate relationship with Him. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” 1st John 4:9-10. To use the harshness of God to justify and advocate the use of physical punishment is completely illogical after seeing all the aspects of God in the same lens.
Along the same lines as focusing heavily on the harshness of God, many Christian pro-spankers have been quite influence by the threat of eternal punishment—Hell—throughout the centuries. They have also been influenced by the feeling of an imminent apocalyptic end (Greven, 1992). Hell has always been a part of Christian theology and teaching. The threat of eternal damnation has terrified many people throughout time. While it is true that eternal punishment does await those that purposely reject Christ’s gift of forgiveness and salvation by not asking Him for the forgiveness of sins and accepting Him as Savior (Romans 6:23; Matthew 25:46; Luke 16:19-31), some parents and pastors seem to use this to justify spanking children. A seventeenth century pastor, “Michael Wigglesworth, whose parents were among the first generation of settlers in New England, wrote an extraordinarily popular poem about the approaching ‘Day of Doom.’ Punishment and affliction were the central themes shaping the obsessions of this anxious and tormented Puritan preacher, whose poem vividly portrays the final days on earth before the Last Judgment and the ultimate separation of the saved from the damned” (Greven, 1992, p. 55). Jonathan Edwards was also quite focused on the terrors of eternal punishment during the eighteenth century (Greven, 1992). They seem to truly believe that “beating the devil out of them” will somehow save them from Hell. This is often based on Proverbs 23:13-14 which states, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (KJV). Pro-spankers throughout history have taken these verses quite literally. Please see Part 3 of my series entitled “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” for the correct interpretation of these verses.
It seems that this focus on the harshness of God and on punishment traces back to Europe. Yes, while we can be sure that the harsh treatment of children was occurring during Old Testament times, it is unclear if it was done commonly or by those that were naturally prone to violence. What is quite interesting is that advocates of spanking use the Old Testament to justify their claims and yet there is not one single passage in the Old Testament, or in the entire Bible for that matter, of a parent spanking a child. As I pointed out in Part 7 of my series “Spanking is NOT God’s Will,” the Romans were very cruel to children during the first century. It seems that physical punishment was brought to America by the European settlers. We read throughout our history books that these Puritans convinced the Native Americans to allow their children to go to English boarding schools where they would supposedly get a great education. In reality, the Native American children were treated very harshly and physically punished by these Christians who thought they could beat the evil out of them (Cushner, McClelland, & Safford, 2006). They were not allowed to speak their native language or go back to their parents. See, the Native Americans did not typically use physical punishment with their young children. Therefore, in the eyes of the Christian English settlers who had been taught by their leaders that spanking was an absolute must for obedience to God, the Native Americans were disobeying God and the children needed to be “saved” from their impending doom. “Anglo-American Protestants have always been among the most vocal public defenders of physical punishments for infants, children, and adolescents. They have provided many generations of listeners and readers with a series of theological and moral justifications for painful blows inflicted by adults upon the bodies, spirits, and wills of children. These defenses remain crucial to any understanding of the earliest sources of suffering and violence in our culture” (Greven, 1992, p. 60-61). It makes me wonder why they went wrong in following “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:16. I can’t imagine spanking children would be truly glorifying God.
Another theme occuring throughout the centuries among advocates of spanking is the absolute need to break children’s wills. It has (still is) been suggested that the breaking of a child’s will happen during the first two years of life! That way the child supposedly will not remember that they had a will. This idea is sad because infants and toddlers do not understand the concept of wills. They are mainly conncentrating on discovering their abilities. It is important for them to be separate beings from their parents, otherwise they will grow up having a sense of shame and self-doubt (Erikson, 1963). Yet, this breaking of wills seems to dominate many Christian sects. Greven (1992) states, “Breaking the child’s will has been the central task given to parents by successive generations of preachers, whose bibically based rationales for discipline have reflected the belief that self-will is evil and sinful. From the seventeenth century to present, evangelical and fundamentalist Protestants have persistently advocated the crushing of the will even before a child can remember the painful encounters with punishment that are always necessary to accomplish such goals” (p. 65). Is breaking a child’s will even biblical? Jesus does say to “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” Luke 9:23. We are to die to our flesh (Romans 8:13). God obviously wants us to surrender ourselves to Him. However, He gently brings us into submission through grace, mercy, forgiveness, and natural consequences. Ephesians 5:21 also tells us to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we must hit each other in order to submit to each other. God doesn’t strike us to make us submit to Him. So where exactly does this breaking of a child’s will by their parents come from if there’s no actual biblical support for this concept?
Susanna Wesley, Jonathan Wesley’s mother, was an early proponent of breaking children’s wills beginning in infancy through corporal punishment. For example, if her infant son cried too loud, she spanked him (Greven, 1992). Accounts also say that she would not allow her children to eat or drink anything between meals except in the case of illness. If she found that they had asked the slaves for something between meals, she beat the children and harshly reprimanded the slaves. She wrote a letter to her sons regarding her beliefs on child rearing. Sadly, this letter is often quoted by many pro-spankers today. “Susanna Wesley was certain in 1732 that ‘religion is nothing else than doing the will of God and not our own: that the one grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness being self-will, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends on this alone; so that the parent who studies to subdue it in the child works together with God in the renewing and saving a soul. The parent who indulges it does the Devil’s work; makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child body and soul forever’” (Greven, 1992, p. 62). This seems to be saying that salvation lies in how a parent raises his/her child. This couldn’t be more wrong. Salvation lies in receiving God’s gift of Jesus Christ who paid for all of our sins! No human or other god can save us. “For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people” 1 Timothy 2:5-6. (See also Hebrews 8:6; 1 Thessalonians 5:9; 2 Timothy 3:15).
The thing about breaking children’s wills through spanking is what happens if their wills never break sufficiently? The pro-spankers say that we must repeat the spanking. Children have been spanked to death with one of the most recent cases occurring in 2010 with 7-year-old Lydia Schatz who was repeatedly spanked with a whip type instrument during a biblical chastisement. In 1982, a 2-year-old boy was also spanked to death by his parents. “On October 3, 1982, two year old Joseph Green died from a spanking by his parents, Stuart and Leslie Green. Leslie Green began spanking her son Joseph when he refused to apologize to another two year old after striking him. After a period of spanking, Stuart Green, Joseph’s father, entered the room and continued to spank him with a paddle while both parents unsuccessfully tried to force Joseph to apologize to the other boy. After approximately two hours of intermittent spankings, petitioner, who had been out of the sight and sound of the room where the spanking was occurring throughout the two hour period, was summoned to the room by another. As soon as petitioner Dorothy McClellan arrived, she told Stuart Green to stop the paddling. Petitioner and others rendered first aid to Joseph, and he was later taken to a local hospital. Shortly thereafter Joseph Green died from shock and hemorrhaging” (Greven, 1992, p. 38-39). These parents were trying to do what they thought was biblical and right in God’s eyes.
What is interesting to me is that many of the proverbs that are quoted by pro-spankers that seem to advocate spanking say the child will not die from spanking (“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die” Proverbs 23:13 KJV), and yet, children have died from repetitive and/or the force of the spanking. Every time a child is hit, slight injury can occur as pain is a signal that injury is occurring or is about to. Redness after a spanking shows that the skin has been irritated. Slapping several times can cause the tissue to break down. Over time, this can lead to organ damage and hemorrhaging. Surely, God, who formed us in our mother’s wombs (Isaiah 44:24; Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 139:13-16), knew how hitting affects our bodies; especially a small child’s body that is much more vulnerable to force, did NOT mean hitting in the rod verses. God does not lie to His people. So, to say that a child shall not die from being hit with a big, heavy walking stick (the rod), He must have meant authority and not physical punishment! The Holy Bible is Truth—PERIOD! “For the word of God is alive and active” Hebrews 4:12a. Yet, Satan loves to skew God’s Word whenever possible. He is the father of lies (John 8:44b).
Throughout history many Christian advocates of spanking claim that if parents don’t spank their children then they are disobeying God. They use Proverbs 13:24 to coerce parents into believing that if they don’t use physical punishment then they hate their children. Of course, based on the correct interpretation of these rod verses (see Part 3 of “Spanking is NOT God’s Will” & “The Rod Study”), this couldn’t be farther from the truth! And yet, sadly, pro-spanking advocates continue to teach that spanking is an absolute requirement from God in order to raise obedient, godly children. “Parents are often advised to tell their children that they are acting as God’s surrogates when they inflict pain. As Jack Hyles notes: ‘So God is like a father and He chooses fathers and mothers to represent Him in the punishing of little children.’ He advises parents: ‘Explain to him that you are a child of God and if you refuse to obey God in His judgment upon your children, God will pour out His wrath upon you. For you to be a good child of God requires that you be a good parent to the child. Let him understand this. He will get the idea that God is a holy and just God, One Who loves and yet One Who wants us to become our best. For this to be so He must punish us when we are deserving” (Greven, 1992, p. 63). I must ask where do grace, mercy, and forgiveness come in here? If we are forgiven, then we are saved from God’s Wrath. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth” John 1:14.
“And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23. (See also 1 Timothy 1:14).
It also appears that throughout history advocates of spanking have treated the parent-child relationship as a battleground in which the parent must always win over the child. Susanna Wesley and other early seventeenth and eighteenth century evangelical Christians were adamant in regards to using physical punishment to conquer children. The most prominent advocate of spanking in today’s Christian society, James Dobson (1970), states, “The child may be more strong-willed than the parent, and they both know it. If he can outlast a temporary onslaught, he has won a major battle, eliminating punishment in the parent[‘]s repertoire. Even though Mom spanks him, he wins the battle by defying her again. The solution to this situation is obvious: outlast him; win, even if it takes a repeated measure” (p. 45). Or the child is beaten to death.
It is very sad that somehow all of these seemingly unbiblical themes and misinterpretations have continued so prevalently throughout history. Countless children and families have been harmed, some more visibly than others, by these great misinterpretations of God’s Holy Word. I do not know where all these beliefs about child-rearing came about. My purpose in this quest to uncover the historic roots of violence against our children, who Jesus so dearly loves, is not to point fingers at anyone. My hope is to show where some of this comes from. It seems obvious to me from studying Scripture with an open heart and listening to the Holy Spirit convict me that spanking, hitting, beating, coercing, belittling, and punishing young children did not come from God. Jesus renounced all violence when he came to Earth. It is my hope that as we continue this journey that we “See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end. As has just been said:
‘Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion’” Hebrews 3:12-15.
The Christian History of Spanking by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.
The website, Suffer The Little Children, belongs to Joan Vasquez, the writer of the Rod Study. She has many interesting articles as well as an interview of the author of Biblical Parenting, Crystal Lutton. This website is an invaluable resource and I recommend that you read it thoroughly.
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