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Discipline without Harm Part 3

July 17, 2012 By Steph Leave a Comment

(Part 1) (Part 2)

Throughout this series we are discussing ways of disciplining children that are more in line with what God had in mind.  All of the discipline strategies in this series are very effective when used consistently and in conjunction with each other.  They are all biblically supported and sound.  And none of these methods, when used properly and respectfully, will ever cause any harm to children.  In this piece, we will look at how to set appropriate limits and boundaries for our children by which they can abide.  We will see that allowing children simple choices and giving appropriate alternatives for inappropriate behaviors also help children comply with our limits and boundaries.  Next, we will see why using encouragement with our children is better than using rewards and praise.  Finally, we will discuss using natural and logical consequences with children.  Consequences are not the same as punishment.  And discipline should not be equated with punishment.

Setting Limits and Boundaries—“Three Basic Rules for Life.”

We all need limits and boundaries in our lives for without them life would be very chaotic.  This is especially true for children as this world is too overwhelming for them to handle on their own.  Children feel most secure when they know what the limits and boundaries are.  In fact, young children will test limits and boundaries to make sure that the adults in their lives will enforce them.  “Children need secure, loving boundaries in order to feel safe, just as adults need a house with strong walls and a roof to feel protected from the weather.  [Read more...]

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Discipline without Harm Part 2

May 22, 2012 By Steph Leave a Comment

(Part 1)

In the last piece we looked at how Proverbs 22:6 means to discipline children in a way that works with them instead of against them.  God is not an adversarial Parent to us, therefore, we should not be adversarial parents with our children as we are also sinners and actually sin more than our children do.  The purpose of this series is to learn how to discipline our children in a manner that will lead them to God instead of away from Him.  We must provide gentle yet firm discipline to our children.  In this piece we will look at how to validate feelings, deal with temper tantrums, and why we shouldn’t use time-out as punishment but instead use something known as “time-IN” to help children calm down in a helpful way.

Validating Feelings—“It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to!”

Many people fail to realize just how much of an emotional life infants have right from birth.  The young infant feels happy, sad, angry, and scared.  But because crying is the only way of communicating their feelings, many infants do not get the validation that they require.  Tragically, some infants are ignored and/or punished for crying.  It is very important to understand that infants’ emotions are also their needs, and those needs must always be responded to in a sensitive and respectful manner.  “It seems wise for caregivers to make the assumption that infants of all ages have feelings, since it helps us to understand their needs.  The interventions we make that are consonant with our interpretations of infant emotions often seem to have the intended effect.  We pick up a crying baby to soothe what we believe to be the child’s pain or discomfort as much as to stop the crying, and the subsequent relaxation of the infant confirms our belief about his or her feelings” (Fogel, 2011, p. 280).  [Read more...]

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The Christian History of Spanking Part 6

July 18, 2011 By Steph 2 Comments

( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

This will be the conclusion of this series in which we have explored and discovered some of the origins of spanking children within Christianity.  It was my goal to show that spanking is from man and not God, as so many well-meaning Christians have believed throughout the ages.  In this paper, I will show how the idea of controlling children dates back to the early church in the ancient world, look at how Catholicism has advocated and used physical punishment with children, show the likely origin of the “Christian rules of how to spank children,” and will conclude with explaining Behaviorism and how physical punishment falls under that very old and outdated branch of Psychology.

The Origins of the Christian Need to Control Children

Many Christian advocates of spanking as well as the parents who follow these advocates are often quite concerned with controlling their children’s behavior, and really, one could say controlling their children.  Advocates such as James Dobson, the Ezzos, the Pearls, and others teach parents that they must be in control of their children from birth.  They claim that newborn infants must be taught that their parents are the bosses, not them.  If this sounds familiar, it is because control and breaking children’s wills go hand and hand.  We’ve seen how breaking the child’s will has been advocated for and done by Christians throughout history despite there being no biblical grounds for doing such a thing (See Parts 1, 2, & 3 for more info on breaking children’s wills).  This need for adults to control their children dates back to New Testament times.  In fact, certain verses of the New Testament are used to try and justify controlling one’s children. [Read more...]

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Grace-Based Discipline and the Older Child

February 22, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Here is an excellent article from Crystal Lutton, of Arms of Love, on how to use Grace-Based Discipline on the older child.

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Suffer The Little Children

February 12, 2011 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

The website, Suffer The Little Children, belongs to Joan Vasquez, the writer of the Rod Study.  She has many interesting articles as well as an interview of the author of Biblical Parenting, Crystal Lutton. This website is an invaluable resource and I recommend that you read it thoroughly.

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Spanking is NOT God’s Will Part 7

January 28, 2011 By Steph 3 Comments

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 ) ( Part 6 )

The Rod

What about the “rod” in the 5 verses in Proverbs that pro-spankers take literally to mean spanking young children?  In Crystal Lutton’s book, Biblical Parenting, she includes an in-depth study of the rod as it is used throughout the Old Testament.  Interestingly, as I will show in a bit, there are only two verses in the Old Testament in which the rod is used to hit someone!  For now, let’s look at the Hebrew word for rod.

The Hebrew word for rod is shebet.   Shebet is defined in Strong’s Hebrew Lexicon #7626 as “rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, scepter, tribe:

a) Rod, staff

b) Shaft (of spear, dart)

c) Club (of shepherd’s implement)

d) Truncheon, scepter (mark of authority)

e) Clan, tribe”

(Lutton, 2001).

Here is Strong’s definition of rod: “From an unused root probably meaning to branch off; a scion, for example literally a stick (for punishing, writing, fighting, walking, ruling, etc.) or figuratively a clan.”  In the KJV of the Bible, rod is used for tribe 140 times; rod 34 times; scepter 10 times; staff 2 times; and miscellaneous 4 times (Lutton, 2001).   It is quite interesting that shebet or rod is used to symbolize tribes.  Also, while it is considered a tool (see Leviticus 27:32, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 2:9, Isaiah 28:27, and Exodus 21:20) in all 34 places in which the word “rod” is used, it is in conjunction with the full council of God.  It is clear that if we look at all the places in which shebet is used for rod in the Old Testament, it is used as a symbol of authority the majority of the time.  It symbolizes the authority of God, nations, and parents as in Proverbs.

In Exodus 20:21 a rod is used to hit someone.  Let’s take a look at the verse.

[Read more...]

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What is Grace Based Discipline?

December 3, 2010 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

The Web Magazine, Positively Feminine, is running a new series called, What Is Grace-Based Discipline? by PhenomoMom. I am quite impressed with this magazine and its contributors and suggest you check it out.

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Good Parenting Resources

December 1, 2010 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

Dulce de Leche shares how she rejected the teachings of Ezzo and Pearl and what she replaced them with in Christian Parenting Books: How Our Bookshelf Grew.

She then shares her Christian Parenting Books Recommendations which is a very good resource.

And here are her Discipline Books Recommendations.

Back in April she shared another very good resource, what is in her Gentle Discipline Tool Box.  This is a must read for anyone who has an interest in gentle discipline.

Also, here is Pearl In Oyster’s list of Recommended Parenting Books.

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My Thoughts on Submission

November 23, 2010 By Hermana Linda 5 Comments

Ever since my good friend, GreenGem, posted her Thoughts On Leadership I have been pondering my own thoughts on submission. When someone actually emailed me to ask me whether I believed in Wife Only Submission (WOS) or Mutual Submission (MS) I pondered even harder.  Now I am feeling led to solidify my thoughts.

MS starts with Eph 5:21 which says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”  WOS starts with Eph 5:22-24 which says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.” (Note that the words in brackets are not in the original Greek but were added by the translators.) Crystal Lutton has very good explanations of what the word, “submit” means, and what the word, “head” means.  You might also  want to read this explanation for more information.  I’m very thankful for theses explanations because I knew that I did not agree with the patriarchy explanation which leads to so much abuse. I have seen many healthy marriages which claim to believe in WOS yet they are really following MS. This is not to say that a WOS marriage cannot be healthy, I just have not met any.

Now, I’d like to note that both those verses are followed by Eph 5:25 which says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.“  It occurs to me that I have never seen anyone teaching Husband Only Love (HOL.)  It seems obvious to everyone that the wife is still supposed to love her husband.  The fact that this passage tells the man to love  his wife and does not tell the woman to love her husband seems to suggest  if the man is loving his wife, she will naturally love him in return.  So, maybe if the wife is submitting to her husband’s will while he is loving her, his natural reaction is to want to please her and so will naturally submit his will to what she wants.  So, as they love each other and submit to each other, they work together to try to meet each other’s needs.  Which is exactly how I understand MS.

Note, someone commented below that the Bible says that women should love their husbands in Titus 2:4.  I would like to point out that while Eph 5:25 uses the word agape (perfect and sacrificial love), Titus 2:4 uses a variation of phileo (brotherly/family love).  Also, the Bible teaches in many places that we should love everyone.

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Grace Is For Mamas, too

November 19, 2010 By Hermana Linda 2 Comments

Dulce has done a post at Authentic Parenting Blog called, Gently Disciplining Ourselves – Part I.  In this post she explains how to be the kind of parent you were planing to be when you were a child.

Here is Part 2.

Here is Part 3.

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MN from Michigan’s Testimony

March 10, 2010 By Hermana Linda Leave a Comment

The first time I met someone who trained their child like Michael and Debi Pearl recommend my first child was around 6 to 9 months old. This older mother invited me to her house for a “Moms’ group”. We would sit for a couple of hours in her living room and, while we talked or listened to a tape on discipline, the children were to sit perfectly still and not talk unless they had quietly tapped Mama & gotten her attention. The first time I wasn’t sure I liked what was going on. Smacking babies’ thighs seemed harsh and it made me cry the first time I trained him to sit still. At home, though, my mobile baby had been, well, acting his age, and it was very frustrating at times, and these moms seemed to have such happy quiet kids. I went back. The Pearls hadn’t actually written their book yet at this point, but when they did, this friend gave me a copy.

I hated the Pearls the first time I read their book, I found their methods harsh, to say the least. This woman really liked them, though, and I saw that her son was a mature & cheerful child, so I figured she knew what worked. Besides, the book offers such hope of perfection! After reading their newsletter they didn’t come off so strict . They actually teach a lot of things about connecting w/ your kids, making your joy be their strength, & letting boys be boys, etc. which made me feel good about them at the time.

That was how I got hooked. Keep in mind that, because of my childhood background (religious, but abusive) it was very easy to buy into the pain=love mentality, and especially since I was “disciplining in love” rather than anger.

About 7 years later my theology began to change! I began to learn about & understand for the first time what God’s Grace toward me really means! I felt so free! All the shackles of legalism and fear began to fall off! Unfortunately it took me 3 more years to realize it also applies to my children!!!

One day I followed a link someone sent me to Gentle Christian Mothers and looked around. “Oh cool!” I thought, “Christian AP Moms!” (I had considered myself AP despite the use of punitive discipline). I was, however, very turned off by what some of the mothers where saying about Michael & Debi Pearl. I held the Pearls in extremely high regard. I envisioned a bunch of Christian homes with horrible monster kids that controlled everything with their whining and their tempers . One article bugged me the most. I’m sure it was Jeri that wrote it and it was about one day when she was in a doctor’s office & got a compliment on her children’s behavior & about how non-punitive doesn’t mean permissive. I couldn’ t believe how that could be. I mean, if I don’t spank my kids, won’t they end up being reprobates???

I didn’t come back for a couple of months. But during that time my husband & I began to feel that our 6yo really needed a different approach . He has been our out of the box boy and he wasn’t “getting” the training I was using. Instead of repenting and having his conscience cleansed through use of the rod, he was developing this despair & self-loathing. I came back to GCM and applied for membership at the message board so I could ask some questions. I absorbed everything on the Gentle Discipline forum & the articles about the rod. During that time God ‘s spirit was speaking to my heart that this was all true and right. By the time I was approved to post I vowed never to spank again. In addition, I began to see that so much of the non-violent methods that the Pearls advocate are very disrespectful toward children. My husband wasn’t convinced as quickly as I was, but after reading Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton he said he didn’t ever want to hit his kids again!

So, we made the change, but yes there is that messy little thing that I call “The Paradigm Shift Zone”! So things DID get about as bad as they could! My 3year old was totally out of control with his emotional responses for a long time. It is very hard to change from a punitive mindset! I struggle with it everyday. Punishment and condemnation are second nature to me, even without the rod! But I know that God doesn’t treat me that way, and I want so much to show my children the Love, Patience, and Gentleness that He has shown me again & again & again without fail. And yes, my children ARE responding to the effort in gentleness that I have been making.

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