Christian arguments against the Pearls' teachings.
Dara Stoltzfus discusses the influence we have on our children in What Do Your Kids See You Doing?
While you’re at Dara’s blog, you will also want to read, her very thought provoking post, Kids need consequences to learn right from wrong, don’t they?! in which she considers two possible responses to a child stealing and considers which would teach the child more.
Note from Hermana Linda: Pam continues to ask thought provoking questions about how one can raise children without spanking. In This comment, she asks,
What do you mean by natural consequences? I think some of those are what I hoped for my children to avoid and why I view some punishment as a necessary part of discipline. Am I misunderstanding?
Dara Stoltzfus answered her question so well, I have asked her to reproduce her comment here. (Dara, I think I speak for everyone when I say, please don’t apologize for your many insightful words. )
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[Read more...]
Dara Stoltzfus looks at pain and whether or not is is useful for teaching.
In the last piece we saw how to set flexible yet solid boundaries and limits by which young children can abide. We also learned why using affirmations and encouragement with children is better than praises and rewards. And finally we saw that using natural and logical consequences with children helps them to be able to take responsibility for their actions. Again, it is important for us to remember that all the discipline strategies in this series are biblically supported, and are effective when used consistently and in conjunction with each other. In this piece we are going to discuss how to figure out the need behind unwanted behavior in order to help our children fulfill that need. We will also discuss regression in children and how to deal with it in a positive manner.
Fulfilling Needs—“Why is my child behaving this way?”
Many Christians, as we have seen throughout all of my series, believe that most of children’s unwanted behaviors are due to their sinful natures. They place so much emphasis on keeping children’s sinful nature in check that they forget, ignore, or deny the fact that God created children to develop the ways that they do, and that young children do not set out to sin. They are learning about their worlds. The more we understand child development and how God designed children, the easier it will be for us to guide and discipline (teach) our children.
From infancy, children have needs that must be met in order for children to thrive. Since young children have zero to limited vocabulary in the first few years of life, they cry and find other ways of trying to communicate their needs to us. As I’ve discussed in many of my series, an infant’s crying is not manipulative. Infants’ brains do not allow them to be able to manipulate us. A toddler will test limits, but will also try to communicate their needs by acting out as they still lack vocabulary and are just beginning to learn how to appropriately express themselves. [Read more...]
Sarah, of Under the Olive Branch, explains why she does not believe in spanking in a well researched and chatty post entitled, A person’s a person no matter how small. She also answers some common arguments for spanking with counter arguments, which many will find helpful.
Throughout this series we are discussing ways of disciplining children that are more in line with what God had in mind. All of the discipline strategies in this series are very effective when used consistently and in conjunction with each other. They are all biblically supported and sound. And none of these methods, when used properly and respectfully, will ever cause any harm to children. In this piece, we will look at how to set appropriate limits and boundaries for our children by which they can abide. We will see that allowing children simple choices and giving appropriate alternatives for inappropriate behaviors also help children comply with our limits and boundaries. Next, we will see why using encouragement with our children is better than using rewards and praise. Finally, we will discuss using natural and logical consequences with children. Consequences are not the same as punishment. And discipline should not be equated with punishment.
Setting Limits and Boundaries—“Three Basic Rules for Life.”
We all need limits and boundaries in our lives for without them life would be very chaotic. This is especially true for children as this world is too overwhelming for them to handle on their own. Children feel most secure when they know what the limits and boundaries are. In fact, young children will test limits and boundaries to make sure that the adults in their lives will enforce them. “Children need secure, loving boundaries in order to feel safe, just as adults need a house with strong walls and a roof to feel protected from the weather. [Read more...]
In this series we will be looking at how to biblically discipline our children without inflicting pain on them or harming them in any way. Some of the discipline strategies that we will be discussing throughout this series are modeling, child-proofing, validating feelings, fulfilling the child’s physical and emotional needs, setting realistic limits and boundaries, helping children comply, giving choices, and using natural and logical consequences with children. The Bible says that we are to encourage each other (2 Corinthians 13:11). All of the discipline strategies in this series do exactly that with our children. In this first piece, we will be discussing authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting. We will also discuss how to child-proof, modeling, and introducing God to our children.
Authoritative versus Permissive Parenting—Not Spanking does NOT Mean Wild, Rebellious Children
Pro-spankers often accuse or claim that parents who do not spank or use any type of punishment with their children of having wild and rebellious children. This simply is not the case for parents that use the authoritative parenting style. There seems to be much confusion over the three types of parenting styles. We discussed the authoritarian parenting style in great detail in Part 6 of my series, “The Effects of Spanking.” As we begin to focus on how to gently but firmly discipline children, we need to examine the other two parenting styles: authoritative parenting and permissive parenting. [Read more...]
Pearl in Oyster (PIO) takes a look at Logical Consequences vs Punishment as she continues her 52 Tool Cards Series.
Bonus post: Sibling Rivalry? From the Mouth of Babes. <3
Carissa Robinson looks at how God Responds To His Children When They Sin. Do we respond to our children the same way?
And to help us with that, Pearl in Oyster (PIO) explains how to use Natural Consequences in a gentle way as she continues her 52 Tool Card Series. This is a very important post as it is very easy to ruin the lesson with the wrong attitude.
Carissa Robinson discusses Natural Consequences and gives 2 examples to help us along in our journey to gentle parenting.
And don’t miss this very important explanation of how being upset causes us to access the flight or fight part of our brains in 52 Tool Cards: Understand the Brain on Pearl in Oyster (PIO)
Rach at The Incorrigible Gingers discusses the question, “Is Punishment Biblical?“ Notice that she is not just referring to corporal punishment here but all punishment. Now, that is a really radical thought.
Elizabeth, at Virginia Is For Mothers, reviews To Train Up A Child. In part 1 she shares her overall reaction which is mixed, and then what she found Good and Helpful about the book. I agree that there are some good and helpful messages in that book. To say otherwise is to put up a wall between us and those who are so taken by the good that they downplay the bad or don’t see it at all. There is a lot of good and that is what makes the book so dangerous. Nobody would eat a bitter tasting poison, it needs to be mixed with honey if anyone is going to eat it. And yes, this is is a very good honey.
But Elizabeth is not fooled. She says:
Here’s what I think about To Train Up A Child: SIGH….these people are such a mixed bag of normalcy and wisdom with a whole lot of weird thrown in. It takes a lot of concentration to weed through the information and advice to find pieces that I think are reasonable and biblical. Once again, I did glean some encouragement and reminders to do what I already believe in doing. So, I’m going to start with that and later write about the (many) parts of the book that had me raising my eyebrows, cringing and picking my jaw up off the floor.
Which brings us to Part 2 in which she reminds people not to fall into the error of relying to heavily on one parenting method and then shares what she found Weird, Harsh and Downright Shocking. She includes plenty of quotes to back up her conclusions. I’m glad that she is participating in warning people about this book.
( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 )
The following is based on a comment from a pro-spanker to Part 5 of my series. Spanking does not automatically mean you will have a bad relationship with your children. If you have not read my entire series, I highly recommend you do so. Remember, children are very forgiving and want to be in their parents’ good graces.
It is clear from the Hebrew translations that God does NOT want children to be spanked (hit). Proverbs is Wisdom Literature. It is not meant to be taken out of context. The verse cited Hebrews 12:5-6 is not talking about physical punishment nor young children. Yes, God disciplines us as His children. Discipline means to TEACH. God does not punish us. Jesus rebuked His disciples, but He NEVER punished them. Even after Peter denied Jesus, Jesus FORGAVE him! [Read more...]
( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 )
In Samuel Martin’s book, he explains how many pro-spankers quote the following Proverb to support their argument that the spanking should cause crying in children. And cause not just crying, but a broken will.
“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” Proverbs 19:18 (KJV).
One of the most prominent and most followed Christain advocates of spanking children; especially young children, is Dr. James Dobson. In his book, Dare to Discipline, Dobson (1970) states, “Real crying usually lasts two minutes or less, but may continue for five. After that point, the child is merely complaining, and the change can be recognized in the tone and intensity of his voice. I would require him to stop the protest crying, usually by offering him a little more of what caused the original tears” (p. 13). Does this sound like a loving way to “discipline” our children? A parent purposely inflicts pain on a child to break his or her will, and then tells the child to quit crying or he or she will purposely inflict more pain on the child. When I’m in pain, I complain lots. I remember how awful it felt when my dad hit me and told me to quit crying. It was all I could do to stifle both the emotional and physical pain that I felt. God commands us to live in peace with one another to the best of our ability.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18.
This blog post is exactly one year old today. I am linking to it because I just found it and have always found this topic interesting. Behaviour Modification: Punishment by Hippie Housewife. Here is a quote:
…Every day I hear the same parenting advice – punishment and rewards, threats and praise, negative and positive attention. In other words, the very definition of behaviour modification.
Does it work? That depends on what your goals are. If your goal is to get your child to mind you, then yes, it quite often does. However, for our own family’s goals, we have chosen not to use this system of behaviour modification. I’d like to share our reasons for this choice, today focusing in particular on the punishment side, saving the rewards/praise aspect for another day…
Here is her follow up post Behaviour Modification: Praise to which she alluded in that quote.
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