Christian arguments against the Pearls' teachings.
Carissa Robinson discusses Natural Consequences and gives 2 examples to help us along in our journey to gentle parenting.
And don’t miss this very important explanation of how being upset causes us to access the flight or fight part of our brains in 52 Tool Cards: Understand the Brain on Pearl in Oyster (PIO)
Rach at The Incorrigible Gingers discusses the question, “Is Punishment Biblical?“ Notice that she is not just referring to corporal punishment here but all punishment. Now, that is a really radical thought.
Elizabeth, at Virginia Is For Mothers, reviews To Train Up A Child. In part 1 she shares her overall reaction which is mixed, and then what she found Good and Helpful about the book. I agree that there are some good and helpful messages in that book. To say otherwise is to put up a wall between us and those who are so taken by the good that they downplay the bad or don’t see it at all. There is a lot of good and that is what makes the book so dangerous. Nobody would eat a bitter tasting poison, it needs to be mixed with honey if anyone is going to eat it. And yes, this is is a very good honey.
But Elizabeth is not fooled. She says:
Here’s what I think about To Train Up A Child: SIGH….these people are such a mixed bag of normalcy and wisdom with a whole lot of weird thrown in. It takes a lot of concentration to weed through the information and advice to find pieces that I think are reasonable and biblical. Once again, I did glean some encouragement and reminders to do what I already believe in doing. So, I’m going to start with that and later write about the (many) parts of the book that had me raising my eyebrows, cringing and picking my jaw up off the floor.
Which brings us to Part 2 in which she reminds people not to fall into the error of relying to heavily on one parenting method and then shares what she found Weird, Harsh and Downright Shocking. She includes plenty of quotes to back up her conclusions. I’m glad that she is participating in warning people about this book.
( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 )
The following is based on a comment from a pro-spanker to Part 5 of my series. Spanking does not automatically mean you will have a bad relationship with your children. If you have not read my entire series, I highly recommend you do so. Remember, children are very forgiving and want to be in their parents’ good graces.
It is clear from the Hebrew translations that God does NOT want children to be spanked (hit). Proverbs is Wisdom Literature. It is not meant to be taken out of context. The verse cited Hebrews 12:5-6 is not talking about physical punishment nor young children. Yes, God disciplines us as His children. Discipline means to TEACH. God does not punish us. Jesus rebuked His disciples, but He NEVER punished them. Even after Peter denied Jesus, Jesus FORGAVE him!
31Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:
“‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’
32 But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”33 Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.”
34 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”35 But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same”
-Matthew 26:31-35.
69 “Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. “You also were with Jesus of Galilee,” she said.
70 But he denied it before them all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.
71 Then he went out to the gateway, where another servant girl saw him and said to the people there, “This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth.”
72 He denied it again, with an oath: “I don’t know the man!”
73 After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, “Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away.”
74 Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!” Immediately a rooster crowed.
75 Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly”
- Matthew 26:69-75.
15 “When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”
John 21:15-19.
Jesus could have easily condemned Peter, but He did not!
Punishment does NOT teach young children proper behavior. It teaches them to fear us. The Bible makes it very clear that there is NO FEAR in LOVE.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”
1 John 4:18.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us”
1 John 4:7-12.
Young children do not understand being hit. All it does is teaches that love hurts when I’m wrong. As an early childhood professional, I have observed that modeling, redirection, natural and logical consequences, simple choices, and firm guidance work better to teach proper behavior than punishment. Also, brain research shows that young children cannot control their impulses. Pro-spankers may think it’s the spanking that is working, but aside from fear, brain development is one reason that older children need less spankings. That is why I find it so interesting that Jewish rabbis absolutely FORBID the use of physical punishment for children 6 and under!!!
Interestingly, in the book of Matthew we see that Moses and Jesus’ lives parallel each other. Moses and Jesus faced death as infants. Both were tempted. Both taught God’s Law to the people. Both were taken up to Heaven after they finished God’s Will for their lives. However, there’s one HUGE difference between Moses and Jesus! Jesus is God and was (still is) on the move with His people. Speaking of Jesus, “He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms” Luke 24:44. While Moses could only write down the Law as God told Him to, Jesus fulfilled the Law of Moses for us! Now the only thing we have to do to fulfill the Law of Christ is to Love the Lord, our God with all our soul, all our mind, all our strength, and all of our heart…And “Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” Matthew 22:39-40. All Jesus truly requires of us after we repent of our sins and acknowledge Him as Savior is that we love God and others as He did. That we follow after Him, dying to ourselves, picking up our crosses, and loving and serving each other just as He did! To fulfill Law, we are to LOVE!
“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law”
Romans 13:8.
“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” [Lev. 19:18]”
Galatians 5:14.
Also, Matthew 5-7 and Matthew 23-25 parallel Deuteronomy 27-30 as they both have blessings and woes to the people. Moses then offers a promise in Deut. 30 that even if a curse comes upon them due to their sins, that God will still rescue them out of exile. Jesus was the rescue! He freed His people from exile.
Throughout the New Testament, we see Jesus rebuke the teachers of the Law for being hypocrites. The teachers of the Law would rather observe the Law than help people as Jesus often did on the Sabbath. ““Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to” Matthew 23:13. People who spank children seem to be more concerned with the Law than with the love of Christ that fulfills the Law. We need to love our children the way Christ commands us in order to fulfill the Law!
Another beautiful illustration of a parent actually doing as Jesus commanded is the story of the prodigal son. Back in those days, it was very shameful for children to ask their parents for their inheritance before the death of the parents. Yet, his father gave his younger son his share of the inheritance and allowed him to leave home. After the son squandered his money, he decided to go back home even though he knew that he could never be treated as a son again because of what he had done to his father. In the Jewish tradition, families would publically shame relatives for shaming them by breaking a pot to show that they had broken ties with the family. So, the son prepared a speech for his father in the hopes of convincing his father to allow him to work as a servant on the family’s farm. How did his father respond to his son’s returning? Let’s look:
20 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Luke 15:20-32.
The father immediately forgave him and welcomed him back into his family! He celebrated his son return. He didn’t punish him or shame him. He had compassion on him. This is how God wants us to treat our children!
Finally, some pro-spankers say that we need to be God to our young children, I would be very hesitant to say that. As humans, we cannot be God to anyone! God is Holy! He is the ONLY One who can be God to His children-including young children.
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”
Philippians 2:1-4.
May we be blessed as we seek God’s Truth!
Spanking is NOT God’s Will by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.
( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 )
In Samuel Martin’s book, he explains how many pro-spankers quote the following Proverb to support their argument that the spanking should cause crying in children. And cause not just crying, but a broken will.
“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” Proverbs 19:18 (KJV).
One of the most prominent and most followed Christain advocates of spanking children; especially young children, is Dr. James Dobson. In his book, Dare to Discipline, Dobson (1970) states, “Real crying usually lasts two minutes or less, but may continue for five. After that point, the child is merely complaining, and the change can be recognized in the tone and intensity of his voice. I would require him to stop the protest crying, usually by offering him a little more of what caused the original tears” (p. 13). Does this sound like a loving way to “discipline” our children? A parent purposely inflicts pain on a child to break his or her will, and then tells the child to quit crying or he or she will purposely inflict more pain on the child. When I’m in pain, I complain lots. I remember how awful it felt when my dad hit me and told me to quit crying. It was all I could do to stifle both the emotional and physical pain that I felt. God commands us to live in peace with one another to the best of our ability.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you” 2 Corinthians 13:11.
There are over 20 Hebrew words that relate to weeping or actual crying with tears in the Bible, but none of them are found in the book of Proverbs. These are used when someone important or a family member dies throughout Scripture or to an infant as seen in Exodus 2:6. Let’s take a look at the five Hebrew words that are used in Proverbs and their English translations.
The first Hebrew word in Proverbs that we come across for crying is rahnan. Proverbs 1:20 states, “Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets” (KJV). And Proverbs 8:3 says, “She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors” (KJV). These two verses are speaking about “Lady Wisdom,” and rahnan is being translated as singing, cry out, rejoice, and shouting or shout aloud for joy. It is clear from these verses that “Lady Wisdom” is shouting and shouting aloud for joy. Rahnan is used throughout Proverbs in this way. See Proverbs 29:6 as well.
Another Hebrew translation used in Proverbs for crying is hah-mah. It means loud, clamorous, or raging. Let’s look at a few Proverbs in which hah-mah is translated in crying.
“She crieth in the chief place of concourse, in the openings of the gates: in the city she uttereth her words” Proverbs 1:21 (KJV).
“She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house” Proverbs 7:11 (KJV).
“A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing” Proverbs 9:13 (KJV).
“Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise” Proverbs 20:1 (KJV).
It is clear from the context of these verses that crying is being used as in someone being loud and obnoxious; not as in actual crying with tears. The next Hebrew translation for crying does mean crying with tears and is used even when speaking of children. Yet, it is not used in Proverbs 19:18. This Hebrew word is z-gah-kah. It, as mentioned before, is used in Exodus 2:6. Even Jesus Himself wept when He came to His friend, Lazarus’ tomb before He raised him from death.
“Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept” John 11:30-35.
Z-gah-kah is also used in Proverbs 21:13 which says, “Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard” (KJV). It is interesting that this has nothing to do with children. So, what is the Hebrew translation for crying that we see in Proverbs 19:18? It is mooth and is used over 500 times in the Hebrew Bible. It has 40 different means that refer to death. The NIV version of Proverbs 19:18 says it like this:
“Discipline your children, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to their death.”
This means not allowing your child to go down the wrong road that could lead to a premature death. This has absolutely nothing to do with actual crying as Dobson and many other Christian advocates of spanking believe! Children need limits. We wouldn’t let a toddler run out in the street to be run over by a car. But instead of spanking the toddler, we should firmly tell the toddler that the street is dangerous, and then show the toddler the safe way to cross the street holding onto Mommy or Daddy hands. Does hitting a toddler really teach him or her why the street is dangerous and how to be safe? No! It teaches them that danger makes Mommy and Daddy hurt me. That Jesus wants me to be hurt when I’m in danger. Remember, young children cannot make abstract connections like adults can.
Christian advocates of spanking are totally misinterpreting Scripture and/or are purposely teaching false doctrine. The Apostle Paul warns about this. “20 Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: 21 “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22 These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. 23 Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence” Colossians 2:20-23. We are not to obey these regulations anymore. We are to obey Jesus Christ!
Older infants and toddlers require boundaries and limits. These help young children to feel safe and secure. For example, securely attached infants and toddlers will often look at their parent or caregiver when they encounter something that they are unsure about. If the adult smiles approvingly, the child will usually continue exploring. If the adult frowns, the child will usually stop exploring. Infants and toddlers need discipline and guidance because they lack self-control. Unfortunately, many people think of discipline and punishment as one and the same. This should not be the case whatsoever. “Webster’s Dictionary describes discipline as ‘training that corrects, molds, or perfects.’ I believe the best and most long-lasting training comes from within. Discipline is first learned externally, based on parental, and then societal expectations” (Gerber & Johnson, 1998, p. 204). Positive guidance strategies such as modeling, redirection, and natural consequences work better to truly teach children more appropriate ways of behaving. For example, if a toddler gets up from the table, then the natural consequence is that he will be finished eating. This is not punishment; it is cause and effect that directly relates to the toddler’s behavior.
Christian pediatrician Dr. William Sears implores the importance of understanding the child’s perspective in order to appropriate respond and guide the child. “Authority is vital to discipline, and authority must be based on trust. If an infant can trust his mother to feed him when he’s hungry, he will be more likely as a toddler to listen to her for what to do when, for example, he encounters breakable objects on Grandma’s coffee table” (Sears & Sears, 2001, p. 20).
Again, discipline means to teach and to guide children in appropriate behaviors. Spanking does not do this; it controls. “Physical punishment such as hitting or spanking will mean two things to her: one, that you are bigger than she and you can get away with it, and two, that you believe in aggression” (Brazelton & Sparrow, 2006, p. 146). Spanking children causes them to slowly lose their trust in their parents and caregivers. This makes them less likely to listen to parents without the threat of punishment. Discipline, however, has the opposite effect on children. “Discipline is the second most important thing you do for a child. Love comes first, and discipline second. Discipline means teaching, not punishment. The goal is for the child to incorporate her own limits. Each opportunity for discipline becomes a chance for teaching. Hence, after a brief disciplinary maneuver, sit down to comfort and hold her, saying, ‘You can’t do that. I’ll have to stop you until you can learn to stop yourself’” (Brazelton & Sparrow, 2006, p. 147). Brazelton recommends using time-outs not as punishments but to help the child calm down.
Do we really want children growing up believing that Jesus wants them to be hurt every time they make a mistake or misbehave? Do we really want children to equate hitting and causing pain to love? Numerous studies suggest that children from violent homes are at an increased risk of becoming violent themselves. Yes, someday Jesus will come back to unleash His final Wrath on the Earth, but He’s giving everyone a chance before He does. He does not want anyone to perish. Should children be taught about His love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness by modeling it to them? Or would we rather model “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God Galatians 5:19-21.
Do not let satan deceive you. Famous Christian theologian Dwight Moody did not let satan deceive him. Despite being spanked as a child, he chose to live by the Law of Christ and did not spank his own children.
As in the Words of Christ, “He who has ears, let him hear!”
Spanking is NOT God’s Will by Steph is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.whynottrainachild.com.
This blog post is exactly one year old today. I am linking to it because I just found it and have always found this topic interesting. Behaviour Modification: Punishment by Hippie Housewife. Here is a quote:
…Every day I hear the same parenting advice – punishment and rewards, threats and praise, negative and positive attention. In other words, the very definition of behaviour modification.
Does it work? That depends on what your goals are. If your goal is to get your child to mind you, then yes, it quite often does. However, for our own family’s goals, we have chosen not to use this system of behaviour modification. I’d like to share our reasons for this choice, today focusing in particular on the punishment side, saving the rewards/praise aspect for another day…
Here is her follow up post Behaviour Modification: Praise to which she alluded in that quote.
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